Hi everyone hope you are all keeping well, I haven't posted in a while. The question I want to ask is not about an alcoholic though I know now that I'm coming at it from someone who has been affected by the disease and actually so has the other person been more than likely. Also, as some of you will know the alcoholic in my life died last October so I am still very much in and out of the grief about that, still feeling a lot of loss, loneliness, sensitivity etc and not sure how much all of that is affecting my perceptions or whether I am actually seeing things more clearly for the first time and am just not willing to put up with crappy treatment anymore! I had left the alcoholic 3 months before he died and I think that has made me stronger, I left not because of the drinking but some of the insanity and abuse that went along with it, and I'm a bit like if I could leave him, and survive iin spite of how much I thought I needed him, I will never have to tolerate disrespect from anyone else again.
So I have been really good friends with this woman for about 5 years. We have been there for each other through a lot. She was very good for a while after my ex died and I have been there for her through some big stuff too. Lately things seem to be getting more distant and a couple of times in the last few weeks I have felt very hurt by her. Once was when my son got married a few weeks ago and she didn't contact me after to ask how it went until I contacted her a few days after. I would always contact her if there was something going on in her or her kids lives. Then this weekend I had her son for the weekend while she was away. I wasn't here when she picked him up, he's 18, he has autism but is ok to be let for a while, she knew I wouldn't be here for an hour but I have had no text to say thanks for having him or anything. Now, I know she has a lot going on and we don't all act the same way.
I suppose I just don't know what to do with the feelings, do I say something, or just back off completely which is what I feel like doing? How would I apply the programme here? Am I over reacting? Do I have to have a problem with someone and now that there is no alcoholic stuff to deal with it's seeping out on to other people close to me, or do I have a habit of doing too much, giving too much and an getting angry when I don't get the same back or am I attracted to people generally who aren't very good for/to me? Sorry I think this is probably quite trivial compared to what some people here will be going through but I am just putting it out there seeking some al anon wisdom from you all. Thanks.
milkwood said
Jun 25, 2018
Hi Sorcha,
I understand and I don't think it is trivial at all - it is, for me, another one of those learning curves about myself, like a gift that comes from growing and getting new levels of awareness. Not always comfortable, but helpful important stuff!
You are right, we do all act differently and sometimes, especially when a relationship is comfortable, I can forget the small nice gestures that keep relationships turning.
I don't know about your friend, it sounds as if she is someone who has been good for you at times, but I do know that when I'm going through stuff I quite often shut down a bit and not make contact with people, even though I care about them a great deal. Bless my friends, they even pick up the phone and check in and we are close enough that I can apologise for going silent on them. Is it possible that is what your friend is going through as well?
I certainly relate to doing too much and then get a bit upset when I don't get a rosette or my energy gets depleted. I find it helpful to recognise that I make my own choices, and that I might just be a bit tired because I took on way too many things. At times like that I have to remind myself about my own self care. That awareness has really helped me to check in to see if I'm tired or playing out old habits so I completely get the self-questioning that can go on when my expectations seem off kilter. I do find that that kind of self talk can get me down after a while because I guess if it goes on long enough I'm really asking "is there something wrong with me?" The answer to that is always the same, just perfectly imperfect!!!
"How important is it?" helps me keep things in perspective. And sometimes, if I'm feeling taken for granted or a bit used, it might be because that is exactly what is going on! Sometimes it is true!!! In that case, what am I going to choose to do?!!!
I love the phrases we learn in Al Anon and how they apply in all aspects of life. Sending (((((hugs)))))
Sorcha said
Jun 27, 2018
Thank you Milkwood, that helps a lot, self-awareness, self-care, people-pleasing, yes all of that is my responsibility and helps me to avoid resentment building. Thank you.
sunmustshine said
Jun 27, 2018
((((Sorcha))))
Iām sorry for your loss.
I can relate to all of your wonderings regarding your friend. Iāve experienced this with a best friend of 25 years. Same, both effected by the disease. My friend was also there for me in the darkest times with my AH. My marriage didnāt end at the low point before I got help for myself and found Alanon. My friend strongly advocated it should. My AH upset and offended my friend during the dark times as well. My friend has over time completely stopped communicating with me to the point of...friendship over. I went through a mourning period missing my friend terribly. I wondered if it was what AH did, if it was something I did, if my friend was just standing in judgement of me, or if my friend was going through something of his own. Then I stopped wondering and just accepted what is. HP puts people into my life and takes people out of my life in ways I donāt always understand but need to accept. Turning it over to god stops me from endlessly turning it over in my brain and stops my stomach from turning over the whole thing.
The helpful parts of my experience were examining my actions, motives, wants and needs. All I can do is understand myself and be the best person and friend I can be.
I hope things turn out best for you.
Hi everyone hope you are all keeping well, I haven't posted in a while. The question I want to ask is not about an alcoholic though I know now that I'm coming at it from someone who has been affected by the disease and actually so has the other person been more than likely. Also, as some of you will know the alcoholic in my life died last October so I am still very much in and out of the grief about that, still feeling a lot of loss, loneliness, sensitivity etc and not sure how much all of that is affecting my perceptions or whether I am actually seeing things more clearly for the first time and am just not willing to put up with crappy treatment anymore! I had left the alcoholic 3 months before he died and I think that has made me stronger, I left not because of the drinking but some of the insanity and abuse that went along with it, and I'm a bit like if I could leave him, and survive iin spite of how much I thought I needed him, I will never have to tolerate disrespect from anyone else again.
So I have been really good friends with this woman for about 5 years. We have been there for each other through a lot. She was very good for a while after my ex died and I have been there for her through some big stuff too. Lately things seem to be getting more distant and a couple of times in the last few weeks I have felt very hurt by her. Once was when my son got married a few weeks ago and she didn't contact me after to ask how it went until I contacted her a few days after. I would always contact her if there was something going on in her or her kids lives. Then this weekend I had her son for the weekend while she was away. I wasn't here when she picked him up, he's 18, he has autism but is ok to be let for a while, she knew I wouldn't be here for an hour but I have had no text to say thanks for having him or anything. Now, I know she has a lot going on and we don't all act the same way.
I suppose I just don't know what to do with the feelings, do I say something, or just back off completely which is what I feel like doing? How would I apply the programme here? Am I over reacting? Do I have to have a problem with someone and now that there is no alcoholic stuff to deal with it's seeping out on to other people close to me, or do I have a habit of doing too much, giving too much and an getting angry when I don't get the same back or am I attracted to people generally who aren't very good for/to me? Sorry I think this is probably quite trivial compared to what some people here will be going through but I am just putting it out there seeking some al anon wisdom from you all. Thanks.
I understand and I don't think it is trivial at all - it is, for me, another one of those learning curves about myself, like a gift that comes from growing and getting new levels of awareness. Not always comfortable, but helpful important stuff!
You are right, we do all act differently and sometimes, especially when a relationship is comfortable, I can forget the small nice gestures that keep relationships turning.
I don't know about your friend, it sounds as if she is someone who has been good for you at times, but I do know that when I'm going through stuff I quite often shut down a bit and not make contact with people, even though I care about them a great deal. Bless my friends, they even pick up the phone and check in and we are close enough that I can apologise for going silent on them. Is it possible that is what your friend is going through as well?
I certainly relate to doing too much and then get a bit upset when I don't get a rosette or my energy gets depleted. I find it helpful to recognise that I make my own choices, and that I might just be a bit tired because I took on way too many things. At times like that I have to remind myself about my own self care. That awareness has really helped me to check in to see if I'm tired or playing out old habits so I completely get the self-questioning that can go on when my expectations seem off kilter. I do find that that kind of self talk can get me down after a while because I guess if it goes on long enough I'm really asking "is there something wrong with me?" The answer to that is always the same, just perfectly imperfect!!!
"How important is it?" helps me keep things in perspective. And sometimes, if I'm feeling taken for granted or a bit used, it might be because that is exactly what is going on! Sometimes it is true!!! In that case, what am I going to choose to do?!!!
I love the phrases we learn in Al Anon and how they apply in all aspects of life. Sending (((((hugs)))))