Like everyone, I have a long story, but I'll try to stick to what is immediately relevant. Separated from my husband 10 months ago, and came back a week ago for a "trial", a chance to practice and see if all that he has said over the last 10 months about changing is true.
He is a very successful, functional alcoholic. On a number of occasions over the years he has said he would quit drinking but did not. Supposedly he hasn't been drinking since I left him, but I found a bottle of gin behind the bed. However, in the week I have been here I have not seen him drink, and I have searched for more hidden bottles, but haven't found any.
Is it possible for him to refrain from drinking while we are here for a few weeks? Can an alcoholic go that long without drinking, or does that prove he is not an alcoholic, or that he has quit, after all? He claims the bottle behind the bed was old, but I know that isn't true, there was no dust on it.
There is a lot more history, but I just need to start here. Thank you all.
Freetime said
Jun 24, 2018
Welcome, exiled! I am glad you found us and shared. In my experience married to an alcoholic, yes, he could quit drinking for a certain amount of time. He quit once for a year, at his own decision, but without any type of program. Another time he was urged by doctors to quit -- and made it for three months. Sadly, the disease is powerful and progressive. When he could not stay quit, he started to drink when I wasn't looking and started to hide the bottles. When I discovered the sneaking and hiding, the anger and fear I felt was tremendous. That's what drove me to Al-Anon.
I found face-to-face meetings, and they saved my sanity. I discovered I was not alone. I learned various ways to cope with my situation and to become stronger, and even to have compassion.
Best wishes to you. You are in the right place.
Lyne said
Jun 24, 2018
Greetings exiled-My A swore over and over again that she had quit drinking, and what I discovered is that she was able to lie without blinking an eye. She is now sober over a year (possibly), but so far no specific treatment for her alcoholism. So except for not drinking, she is exactly the same. She is not learning about herself and her drinking and evolving. Tomorrow we are going to therapy with an addiction counselor. We go every other week. I'm going to suggest we go to an open AA meeting together. We are staying together but it is far from a healthy, happy relationship (almost 27 years). Keep coming back. Lyne
sakina said
Jun 24, 2018
Hi exiled and welcome. I'm also new to Al Anon. Like you my husband is my qualifier. In my experience yes, my AH at times through the years has been able to abstain. Each time he promised it was "for real" and "for good this time." It didn't turn out that way. There's a difference between my A being Clean and being in Recovery. Being clean is not using alcohol or drugs and is a good start. But Recovery is when he works on changing addictive thinking and replace addictive behaviors with healthy ones. Thank my HP I see how unmanageable things were getting for ME... and found my way to Al Anon. Keep coming back.
Bo said
Jun 24, 2018
exiled wrote:
Like everyone, I have a long story, but I'll try to stick to what is immediately relevant. Separated from my husband 10 months ago, and came back a week ago for a "trial", a chance to practice and see if all that he has said over the last 10 months about changing is true.
He is a very successful, functional alcoholic. On a number of occasions over the years he has said he would quit drinking but did not. Supposedly he hasn't been drinking since I left him, but I found a bottle of gin behind the bed. However, in the week I have been here I have not seen him drink, and I have searched for more hidden bottles, but haven't found any.
Is it possible for him to refrain from drinking while we are here for a few weeks? Can an alcoholic go that long without drinking, or does that prove he is not an alcoholic, or that he has quit, after all? He claims the bottle behind the bed was old, but I know that isn't true, there was no dust on it.
There is a lot more history, but I just need to start here. Thank you all.
Welcome...I've long heard in 25 years of going to face to face, conference approved, official alanon meetings...it doesn't matter if a person is successful, not, functional, not, a weekday, a weekend, a binge, or any other type of alcoholic. It doesn't matter. If someone's drinking bothers you...then you are in the right place inside a face to face, conference approved, official alanon meeting.
That said, I too have been seperated, "dated" my wife while seperated, didn't, did the so called trial thing, and so on and so on. In my experience, this is about YOU. You decided to go back, right? He didn't decide for you, force you, etc. You decided to go back and you did it under conditions that were acceptable to you -- to see if all that he has said over the last 10 months about changing is true. Interesting the way you worded it. Almost as if you have your doubts, don't think so, etc. I hear words like all that he has said, and changing, and true. So, if it's not, then what?
For me, during the trial thing -- my experience was it had nothing to do with her. It was me. Over the course of many years, my wife said she would quit...and she didn't!!! Same with you. Are you neglecting that? Does it mean anything to you? If not, that's OK, but it has to be OK for you. Going back to now -- you haven't seen him drink? OK. I didn't see my wife drink for a year. But, she was buzzed/drunk the entire year. She said about 30-40 times that year that she wasn't drinking. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one sees it...did it make a noise? Here's the answer...it doesn't matter!!! The tree still fell!!! LOL. I don't think it matters whether they can refrain or not. For me, it was about being open and honest. Lying isn't acceptable to me. It doesn't matter how long they can go and if that has anything to do with being an alcoholic. It was about me and how I wanted to live my life, what kind of life did I want to live.
Focus on YOU and what you need to do to get better, to get healthy. Go to face to face meetings and find a sponsor. Alanon works if you work it.
mamalioness said
Jun 24, 2018
hi and welcome
I agree with Bo.....I did the round and round with my 2 X's and I found myself forsaking me because I was obsessing, checking up on them...I got into Al-anon and figured out I can only control me..fix me..change me..help me...ANd with the help of my Higher Power as I understand it within me, that is what I am doing...its weird...since I stopped trying to "sleuth" my alcoholics, brothers, friends, etc., I SEE the red flags more and I'm not looking..but my eyes are more open because I am taking care of me, watching out for me, working my program, doing the spiritual end of it now and I am keeping it simple...keeping the focus on me...unless he is in a heavy AA program, working the steps with a sponsor, I would not put too much into his "behaving"...I would just take care of me and follow what my program tells me and what my HP within tells me
IN SUPPORT
a4l said
Jun 24, 2018
Welcome Exiled. As a "double winner", ( in recovery that is someone who qualifies for both this and the AA program) I can answer your last question as follows.
Is it possible for an alcoholic to stop drinking for a week? Yes. It's possible for an alcoholic to stop drinking for years. I speak to that one from my own experience where I have white knuckled for five years, another time for two, before coming to realise I was actually one " of them", lol. It is a four fold disease, that impacts a person physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. So in assessing how changed a person is from a multi dimensional perspective, the removal of the actual physical drinking is but one aspect. An alcoholic who quits drinking without doing any healing or recovery work on the other aspects is often termed a "dry drunk". There is a difference between sober and merely dry.
Coming back to the partner of an alcoholic side, I know that the many let downs experienced due to active alcoholism on the part of a loved one, left me with major trust issues. For example, I find it difficult to beleive almost anything that is said by an alcoholic, especially as it relates to commitments of any kind. This is dual aspect. On the one hand, it's rational, self preservation, sense. On the other hand, should someone genuinely be attempting recovery, to be constantly met with scorn and doubt is an impediment and a disservice. Family disease this one. It affects all it comes into contact with.
Whether you choose to reconcile or wait is up to you. It is recommended we make no major decisions for 6 months after entering recovery. For me, alanon and aa opened up my viewpoint a lot. I am empowered now to consider whatever is presented to me from a recovering perspective which has cleared a lot of the confusion I was living with. I hope you keep coming back and do seek out literature and face to face meetings. Take good care.
exiled said
Jun 24, 2018
Thank you to all of you. So many titles of these threads are ones I could/would write myself about my own situation. Reading them is helpful and I am hoping that I gain that last bit of strength that it will take to walk away from the chaos.
This afternoon he actually texted me and asked if I would sleep in the same bed with him again if he goes to AA. What kind of question is that? Does that mean he won't go to AA if I don't share a bed with him again? What is the thought process behind this? Is it to try to make me responsible if he doesn't go?
Iamhere said
Jun 24, 2018
Exiled - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. With this disease, anything is possible and every different scenario can/has happened. Alcoholism is described as cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. I too am a double winner (sober member of AA + sane member of Al-Anon) and have seen alcoholics with 10, 20, 30 years relapse. For the Alcoholic, the disease is always present, pulling at the mind and body of the drinker. We know in our minds that trouble happens when we drink, yet people slip and relapse all the time. There are stories in the big book about old-timers who literally were doing everything suggested, and then found themselves in a black-out without any warning of impending 'doom'.
In AA, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. We never label another an alcoholic - that's best left up to each person. For many/most, it takes years of mishaps, mistakes, loss, etc. before the denial is lifted and one realizes life doesn't work well when alcohol is involved. Each person hits their own bottom in their own time and no human power will facilitate recovery for an alcoholic.
In Al-Anon, the only requirement for membership is being bothered by the drinking in a family member or friend. Both are defined simply because both want everyone to feel welcome even if they are uncertain if there at the right place. I have also had rage-inducing moments when I caught my A(s) doing what they do best - drinking/hiding/fibbing/denying - and can say that all the emotional fallout I used to have when I felt disappointed by the disease has been lifted by working on my own recovery. Meetings are a great start but not the only answer - we work steps, use literature, have fellowship/sponsors and much, much more. If you can't get to local meetings or happen to be in a location where there aren't any, there are 2 scheduled here each day. You can look to the top left for the schedule and the link to the online meeting/chat room.
I am sorry that you are hurting because of this disease. We all arrived with similar experiences...yet, we found help and hope by supporting each other. It is absolutely devastating to watch one you love be swallowed up by this disease and I personally felt so very helpless and hopeless. I no longer feel that way and live much differently, thanks to my own recovery.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
Bo said
Jun 24, 2018
exiled, alcoholism is a baffling, cunning, insidious, enigmatic, and progressive disease. It is unlike any other disease. It is a disease where the people around the alcoholic (usually the closest ones to the alcoholic, a spouse, family members, loved ones, etc.) can be faced with -- blame, guilt, manipulation, anger/rage, sadness/depression, lying, co-dependency, sabotage, narcissism, and many other strange things.
The longer we try to "figure it out" -- it being the why is he/she doing this, saying that, trying to figure out why they are behaving a certain why, why don't they do this or that, what they mean, and so on; the more we try and analyze, assess, and find so called answers...the more we drive ourselves crazy. Because, there is no "answers" so to speak. Hence, the baffling, cunning, insidious, enigmatic, and progressive disease! What is the thought process? There often is none!!! You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation -- because that is what the alcoholic and alcoholism is!
In my experience, I had to find the balance, and often it was a delicate balance -- between loving the alcoholic and not being joined at the hip, a partner in the disease/drinking and the byproduct of the disease/drinking, and on the roller coaster with the alcoholic. That was the hard part. While my wife and I were seperated, the therapist recommended us "dating" and there were very specific reasons and goals be design. There is a very big difference and dynamic between H&W and a couple dating. The therapist was setting goals and objectives for us, having us slowly trying to spend time together, be intimate, etc. Why? To see if each one of us -- INDIVIDUALLY -- could find a place where we could be with the other and live the type of life it would take for each of us to live with and be with the other. For me, what I learned, was about ME -- what I could and would accept, what life needed and had to look like, what I would and would not allow to be bearable, etc. The biggest part I learned was that I could not live with all of the things that went on, resulted from, were a byproduct of her drinking. But that was me.
Good luck...focus on YOU. Go to face to face meetings and start learning the tools and what alanon is all about.
Like everyone, I have a long story, but I'll try to stick to what is immediately relevant. Separated from my husband 10 months ago, and came back a week ago for a "trial", a chance to practice and see if all that he has said over the last 10 months about changing is true.
He is a very successful, functional alcoholic. On a number of occasions over the years he has said he would quit drinking but did not. Supposedly he hasn't been drinking since I left him, but I found a bottle of gin behind the bed. However, in the week I have been here I have not seen him drink, and I have searched for more hidden bottles, but haven't found any.
Is it possible for him to refrain from drinking while we are here for a few weeks? Can an alcoholic go that long without drinking, or does that prove he is not an alcoholic, or that he has quit, after all? He claims the bottle behind the bed was old, but I know that isn't true, there was no dust on it.
There is a lot more history, but I just need to start here. Thank you all.
I found face-to-face meetings, and they saved my sanity. I discovered I was not alone. I learned various ways to cope with my situation and to become stronger, and even to have compassion.
Best wishes to you. You are in the right place.
Welcome...I've long heard in 25 years of going to face to face, conference approved, official alanon meetings...it doesn't matter if a person is successful, not, functional, not, a weekday, a weekend, a binge, or any other type of alcoholic. It doesn't matter. If someone's drinking bothers you...then you are in the right place inside a face to face, conference approved, official alanon meeting.
That said, I too have been seperated, "dated" my wife while seperated, didn't, did the so called trial thing, and so on and so on. In my experience, this is about YOU. You decided to go back, right? He didn't decide for you, force you, etc. You decided to go back and you did it under conditions that were acceptable to you -- to see if all that he has said over the last 10 months about changing is true. Interesting the way you worded it. Almost as if you have your doubts, don't think so, etc. I hear words like all that he has said, and changing, and true. So, if it's not, then what?
For me, during the trial thing -- my experience was it had nothing to do with her. It was me. Over the course of many years, my wife said she would quit...and she didn't!!! Same with you. Are you neglecting that? Does it mean anything to you? If not, that's OK, but it has to be OK for you. Going back to now -- you haven't seen him drink? OK. I didn't see my wife drink for a year. But, she was buzzed/drunk the entire year. She said about 30-40 times that year that she wasn't drinking. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one sees it...did it make a noise? Here's the answer...it doesn't matter!!! The tree still fell!!! LOL. I don't think it matters whether they can refrain or not. For me, it was about being open and honest. Lying isn't acceptable to me. It doesn't matter how long they can go and if that has anything to do with being an alcoholic. It was about me and how I wanted to live my life, what kind of life did I want to live.
Focus on YOU and what you need to do to get better, to get healthy. Go to face to face meetings and find a sponsor. Alanon works if you work it.
I agree with Bo.....I did the round and round with my 2 X's and I found myself forsaking me because I was obsessing, checking up on them...I got into Al-anon and figured out I can only control me..fix me..change me..help me...ANd with the help of my Higher Power as I understand it within me, that is what I am doing...its weird...since I stopped trying to "sleuth" my alcoholics, brothers, friends, etc., I SEE the red flags more and I'm not looking..but my eyes are more open because I am taking care of me, watching out for me, working my program, doing the spiritual end of it now and I am keeping it simple...keeping the focus on me...unless he is in a heavy AA program, working the steps with a sponsor, I would not put too much into his "behaving"...I would just take care of me and follow what my program tells me and what my HP within tells me
IN SUPPORT
This afternoon he actually texted me and asked if I would sleep in the same bed with him again if he goes to AA. What kind of question is that? Does that mean he won't go to AA if I don't share a bed with him again? What is the thought process behind this? Is it to try to make me responsible if he doesn't go?
In AA, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. We never label another an alcoholic - that's best left up to each person. For many/most, it takes years of mishaps, mistakes, loss, etc. before the denial is lifted and one realizes life doesn't work well when alcohol is involved. Each person hits their own bottom in their own time and no human power will facilitate recovery for an alcoholic.
In Al-Anon, the only requirement for membership is being bothered by the drinking in a family member or friend. Both are defined simply because both want everyone to feel welcome even if they are uncertain if there at the right place. I have also had rage-inducing moments when I caught my A(s) doing what they do best - drinking/hiding/fibbing/denying - and can say that all the emotional fallout I used to have when I felt disappointed by the disease has been lifted by working on my own recovery. Meetings are a great start but not the only answer - we work steps, use literature, have fellowship/sponsors and much, much more. If you can't get to local meetings or happen to be in a location where there aren't any, there are 2 scheduled here each day. You can look to the top left for the schedule and the link to the online meeting/chat room.
I am sorry that you are hurting because of this disease. We all arrived with similar experiences...yet, we found help and hope by supporting each other. It is absolutely devastating to watch one you love be swallowed up by this disease and I personally felt so very helpless and hopeless. I no longer feel that way and live much differently, thanks to my own recovery.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!
The longer we try to "figure it out" -- it being the why is he/she doing this, saying that, trying to figure out why they are behaving a certain why, why don't they do this or that, what they mean, and so on; the more we try and analyze, assess, and find so called answers...the more we drive ourselves crazy. Because, there is no "answers" so to speak. Hence, the baffling, cunning, insidious, enigmatic, and progressive disease! What is the thought process? There often is none!!! You are trying to apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation -- because that is what the alcoholic and alcoholism is!
In my experience, I had to find the balance, and often it was a delicate balance -- between loving the alcoholic and not being joined at the hip, a partner in the disease/drinking and the byproduct of the disease/drinking, and on the roller coaster with the alcoholic. That was the hard part. While my wife and I were seperated, the therapist recommended us "dating" and there were very specific reasons and goals be design. There is a very big difference and dynamic between H&W and a couple dating. The therapist was setting goals and objectives for us, having us slowly trying to spend time together, be intimate, etc. Why? To see if each one of us -- INDIVIDUALLY -- could find a place where we could be with the other and live the type of life it would take for each of us to live with and be with the other. For me, what I learned, was about ME -- what I could and would accept, what life needed and had to look like, what I would and would not allow to be bearable, etc. The biggest part I learned was that I could not live with all of the things that went on, resulted from, were a byproduct of her drinking. But that was me.
Good luck...focus on YOU. Go to face to face meetings and start learning the tools and what alanon is all about.