I am learning that nothing changes if nothing changes the hard way. AH was sober for maybe a week... we went to our second marriage counseling today and he was definitely intoxicated. Of course I am hurt and disappointed. I tried to express my hurt in a calm way, but there is no calm way to communicate with an intoxicated A so needless to say it became heated and he is back to saying he is leaving and filing for divorce tomorrow because he cannot take my "nagging" At this point I feel there may be no other choice for me but to let him do that and hit rock bottom. Our marriage counselor is an older Christian man who has been sober for 50 years who seems to really care about what he does and was really trying today to talk to my AH about the importance of getting sober or losing everything possibly. I plan to call our marriage counselor in the morning because he mentioned in our session today the term codependency due to the fact that I am in my second marriage to an A. I am sad that this is happening, but I am giving this burden to God (my HP) and I am trusting him to place people around me and give me the strength and knowledge to do what I need to do to be ok. I am thankful that I have found a f2f al anon group to attend, this online support through this message board and the marriage counselor has also guided us to a great church that has a program called celebrate recovery that has a group for codependency that I think I can learn from. My son is also going to some counseling and we can be ok! I appreciate all of your positive vibes, prayers and words of encouragement. Trying as best as I can.
Kat
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 21, 2018
(((((Kat)))))
It does suck when you come to the realization that the marriage is not going to survive. Sending you love & support!
Aline said
Jun 22, 2018
Hi, Kat. I'm really glad you have support in various forms and also support for your child. Keep working on yourself, however life unfolds. The longer I work on myself, the more I see the importance and wisdom of that. (((Hugs)))
Jozie said
Jun 22, 2018
(((Kat)))
Very Glad your here, and Yes Positive Vibes Coming your way...
Sometimes realizing even Love can't Save them from their self is Never Easy, But Taking Care of Ourselves through the Process is now what's most important.
I'm Grateful you found Several Recovery Outlets to Help Carry you through, Including MIP... With HP by our Side we can do All things :)
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
SerenityRUS said
Jun 22, 2018
Big hugs .. here's the thing about an intoxicated A .. whatever they say they are doing while drunk 99.9% chance it ain't happening .. I doubt my ex would have filed for divorce for years .. it came to fruition because I filled .. so focus on you .. what do you want get your house in order and let the A rant. A's forget what they go on about .. some don't my experience with my X taught me it's bully behavior so I would get in line. Again .. big hugs .. take care of you. S :)
mamakat71 said
Jun 22, 2018
Thank you for your reply and yes you are right about the bullying behavior. My AH didn't have much to say to me this morning before he left for work and I am not saying too much to him as well, because I am not willing to participate in his madness at least for today as best as I can. I have a full day ahead of me and I plan to stay on task. I hope you have a great day.
Kat
Iamhere said
Jun 22, 2018
(((Kat))) - great to hear you found a local meeting and glad that you are finding support through here and others. I am sorry for what you are going through - it often does feel like one step forward and then two backwards. What my sponsor suggested to me and it was really true was my responses to others was changing as was my acceptance and awareness....all of this was the forward direction I needed for my own growth, healing and recovery.
Good to hear you have support for your child too. Just keep doing you one day at a time and know that you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Jun 22, 2018
Nothing changes if nothing changes is only as hard as we make it. And, it's US who can make it hard, or easy. Remember, pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional. I found that once I focused on me -- and I mean really focused, with a laser precision focus, on me, what I had to do, what I needed to do, on me being healthy, as I've never focused on me before -- than what my AW did, said, threatened, postured, promised, didn't promise, drank, didn't drink, and so on, just didn't matter. It truly didn't matter. Why? Because it takes two to make a marriage work, and if the other person didn't want it, then there's nothing to do. We can't do anything about their drinking, and we can't do anything about what they want or not want. They want to drink...they want to make a marriage work...they want to live a certain way...and there's nothing we can do about it.ling
As much as we say when we change...it still doesn't change the other person and what they want to do. We can go to counselling, talk to them, express whatever we want or think will help...but it doesn't change the other person. You are not nagging. Don't believe that. Not for a minute. Unless you are in fact. How? By trying to stop him from drinking, by trying to control his drinking, by trying to control him, prevent him from doing what he wants to do, and so on and so on. In order to get better, truly better, healthy -- I had to stop that! But in order to get better -- we have to stop trying to prove our point, or that we aren't doing something (like nagging). For me to get better -- I had to stop trying to Control it, Manage it, Control her, Control her drinking, Change her, and so on. If you feel you "haven't let him hit rock bottom" -- and I felt that too -- then look at you. Look at your role. Look at your contribution to the situation. Me, I "perpetuated" a lot of what was going on. How? By trying to control her, control her drinking, cure her, and so on. Now, remember -- in your case -- his rock bottom is HIS. You can try to stop him from hitting it -- but many call that enabling. However, if you allow it, allow him to hit his rock bottom...it assures nothing. It certainly doesn't assure us that we will get what we want or that things will work out the way we want them to.
I find it ironic when a professional talks to an alcoholic or addict about "getting sober" and the consequences if they don't. I get it. Leave no stone unturned. An objective voice. A voice of authority. A qualified voice. Sure, I get it. In my experience, it still comes down to...it is the alcoholic's decision...it is up to them. Do we hope the professional can "convince" them? I guess so. Do we "believe" the professional can "convince" them? Maybe. Many call that denial. Me, I had hoped, but I stayed away from believe. The professional in my case, told me, she (my wife) simply doesn't want to quit. She enjoys drinking. She wants to drink. She does not want to and she will not quit. I got it.
When I went through the "last" 12 months of trying to save my marriage, and a lot more -- I learned one thing. When it was happening...it sounded, felt, and looked one way to me. When it was over, and I got better, got some objectivity, and really looked at my role, my contribution, my involvement, etc. -- it sounded, felt and looked very different. I had no remorse, no second thoughts, no stone unturned, etc. However, I felt good. Content. Whole. At peace.
-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 23rd of June 2018 11:17:05 AM
Tude said
Jun 23, 2018
((mamakat)) I love this program. The 12 steps and all the fellowship showed/show me my part in the whole thing and keeps me looking at self vs trying to change my AH. I didn't think I was codependent. Again. Even tho people were more than happy to point this out lol. And......I had been in 12 step recovery before I moved. Several different support groups all of which were awesome, including Celebrate Recovery. When I moved away I fell back into my old ways, patterns and found myself trying to fix everyone around me. Over the past 10 years I can see how fast I fell back into old junk, emotions etc and downright crazies........my AH may not be sober today but I am totally at peace again and am so very grateful. I am learning to detach from all he does and just go on with my life WITH him but also very separate in the living my own life now. I'm glad you're here! Hugs and prayers!
tiredtonite said
Jun 23, 2018
Hello Kat,
It really sounds like you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself. Your hp, Alanon and all of these other support systems can only help you to keep making progress and bring clarity when it comes to making life decisions. I wish you the best! Alcoholism is a truly a baffling illness, unpredictable. I never really mastered keeping my expectations low and my patience high when living with someone active in their disease. My faith base was not very strong at that time and I was only a newcomer to Alanon. I hope the many support systems you have added to your life help you to sense hp's will for you as you make decisions that best honor you and your family. (((hugs))) TT
I am learning that nothing changes if nothing changes the hard way. AH was sober for maybe a week... we went to our second marriage counseling today and he was definitely intoxicated. Of course I am hurt and disappointed. I tried to express my hurt in a calm way, but there is no calm way to communicate with an intoxicated A so needless to say it became heated and he is back to saying he is leaving and filing for divorce tomorrow because he cannot take my "nagging" At this point I feel there may be no other choice for me but to let him do that and hit rock bottom. Our marriage counselor is an older Christian man who has been sober for 50 years who seems to really care about what he does and was really trying today to talk to my AH about the importance of getting sober or losing everything possibly. I plan to call our marriage counselor in the morning because he mentioned in our session today the term codependency due to the fact that I am in my second marriage to an A. I am sad that this is happening, but I am giving this burden to God (my HP) and I am trusting him to place people around me and give me the strength and knowledge to do what I need to do to be ok. I am thankful that I have found a f2f al anon group to attend, this online support through this message board and the marriage counselor has also guided us to a great church that has a program called celebrate recovery that has a group for codependency that I think I can learn from. My son is also going to some counseling and we can be ok! I appreciate all of your positive vibes, prayers and words of encouragement. Trying as best as I can.
Kat
It does suck when you come to the realization that the marriage is not going to survive. Sending you love & support!
Very Glad your here, and Yes Positive Vibes Coming your way...
Sometimes realizing even Love can't Save them from their self is Never Easy, But Taking Care of Ourselves through the Process is now what's most important.
I'm Grateful you found Several Recovery Outlets to Help Carry you through, Including MIP... With HP by our Side we can do All things :)
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
Thank you for your reply and yes you are right about the bullying behavior. My AH didn't have much to say to me this morning before he left for work and I am not saying too much to him as well, because I am not willing to participate in his madness at least for today as best as I can. I have a full day ahead of me and I plan to stay on task. I hope you have a great day.
Kat
Good to hear you have support for your child too. Just keep doing you one day at a time and know that you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
Nothing changes if nothing changes is only as hard as we make it. And, it's US who can make it hard, or easy. Remember, pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional. I found that once I focused on me -- and I mean really focused, with a laser precision focus, on me, what I had to do, what I needed to do, on me being healthy, as I've never focused on me before -- than what my AW did, said, threatened, postured, promised, didn't promise, drank, didn't drink, and so on, just didn't matter. It truly didn't matter. Why? Because it takes two to make a marriage work, and if the other person didn't want it, then there's nothing to do. We can't do anything about their drinking, and we can't do anything about what they want or not want. They want to drink...they want to make a marriage work...they want to live a certain way...and there's nothing we can do about it.ling
As much as we say when we change...it still doesn't change the other person and what they want to do. We can go to counselling, talk to them, express whatever we want or think will help...but it doesn't change the other person. You are not nagging. Don't believe that. Not for a minute. Unless you are in fact. How? By trying to stop him from drinking, by trying to control his drinking, by trying to control him, prevent him from doing what he wants to do, and so on and so on. In order to get better, truly better, healthy -- I had to stop that! But in order to get better -- we have to stop trying to prove our point, or that we aren't doing something (like nagging). For me to get better -- I had to stop trying to Control it, Manage it, Control her, Control her drinking, Change her, and so on. If you feel you "haven't let him hit rock bottom" -- and I felt that too -- then look at you. Look at your role. Look at your contribution to the situation. Me, I "perpetuated" a lot of what was going on. How? By trying to control her, control her drinking, cure her, and so on. Now, remember -- in your case -- his rock bottom is HIS. You can try to stop him from hitting it -- but many call that enabling. However, if you allow it, allow him to hit his rock bottom...it assures nothing. It certainly doesn't assure us that we will get what we want or that things will work out the way we want them to.
I find it ironic when a professional talks to an alcoholic or addict about "getting sober" and the consequences if they don't. I get it. Leave no stone unturned. An objective voice. A voice of authority. A qualified voice. Sure, I get it. In my experience, it still comes down to...it is the alcoholic's decision...it is up to them. Do we hope the professional can "convince" them? I guess so. Do we "believe" the professional can "convince" them? Maybe. Many call that denial. Me, I had hoped, but I stayed away from believe. The professional in my case, told me, she (my wife) simply doesn't want to quit. She enjoys drinking. She wants to drink. She does not want to and she will not quit. I got it.
When I went through the "last" 12 months of trying to save my marriage, and a lot more -- I learned one thing. When it was happening...it sounded, felt, and looked one way to me. When it was over, and I got better, got some objectivity, and really looked at my role, my contribution, my involvement, etc. -- it sounded, felt and looked very different. I had no remorse, no second thoughts, no stone unturned, etc. However, I felt good. Content. Whole. At peace.
-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 23rd of June 2018 11:17:05 AM
Hello Kat,
It really sounds like you are doing everything you can to take care of yourself. Your hp, Alanon and all of these other support systems can only help you to keep making progress and bring clarity when it comes to making life decisions. I wish you the best! Alcoholism is a truly a baffling illness, unpredictable. I never really mastered keeping my expectations low and my patience high when living with someone active in their disease. My faith base was not very strong at that time and I was only a newcomer to Alanon. I hope the many support systems you have added to your life help you to sense hp's will for you as you make decisions that best honor you and your family. (((hugs))) TT