Wanting to hear what it is like for you to be married to an alcoholic
Connection said
Jun 21, 2018
I would like to hear from others who are or were married to an alcoholic. What did you find the most challenging? What helped you decide to stay or go?
hotrod said
Jun 21, 2018
Living in a n alcoholic marriage was a challenge financially, emotionally, and Spiritually . Attending Alanon face to face meetings provided me with the tools to grow, and live life on life's terms.
The support of like minded people provided the support I needed to change
Iamhere said
Jun 21, 2018
Connection - most of my story is in my bio - if you click thru my username, you can read a blurb and this applies to others who are here too! The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and the insanity is wide-spread. Like Betty, I found the courage to change me in Al-Anon, which saved my sanity and my soul.
Staying or leaving is a personal decision based upon each person's needs/wants. There is no right/wrong answer. What is suggested in Al-Anon is that we work on ourselves, attend meetings, use the steps and literature and not make any decisions for at least 6 months. This is suggested so we can make decisions with a bit less emotion and a bit more sanity. There is hope and help in recovery!
FrustratedWifeofAlcoholic said
Jun 22, 2018
Connection wrote:
I would like to hear from others who are or were married to an alcoholic. What did you find the most challenging? What helped you decide to stay or go?
The bigges challenge has been the worsening instability. Luckily, AH was able to hold a fabulous job and retire with full pension, so im VERY grateful for that.
AH became an alcoholic somewhat later in life, but hes always struggled with mental illness, something that he hid from me for many years and what eventually caused him to choowe booze to self-medicate.
the worse part is that he is an angry drunk and Im usually the target of his verbal assaults. I have Learned to keep money/clothes/keys with me or in car so I can leave when hes drinking
-- Edited by FrustratedWifeofAlcoholic on Friday 22nd of June 2018 03:27:09 AM
canadianguy said
Jun 22, 2018
That's a big, long-winded answer..... I think the reality is that every situation is unique, and thus the decision of stay vs go is unique as well.
For me, I had to learn - a LOT, probably starting with patience, but then all the key skills - such as standing up for me, establishing and enforcing boundaries, and everything in between. I stayed with my AW through several attempts at getting sober, including a couple of significant treatment centers. Ours is somewhat of a happy ending - not THE happy ending that we re-found love and lived happily ever after, but am pleased to say that my ex-AW just celebrated her 16th year of sobriety. I left, once she was able to be sober and stand on her own two feet again, as she was once again capable of being a good and attentive mother (which she certainly was NOT capable of during her active alcoholism). So I was married for ten years - she got sober in 2002, and I left in 2003 - simply too much damage and water (or vodka!) under the bridge, I guess you could say.....
T
sakina said
Jun 22, 2018
Like others above, being married to my A is a challenge in many areas. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. For me the worst challenge is the feeling of being drained or feeling powerless. The good news is I am powerless over him BUT I am not powerless over myself. I'm learning healthy ways to detach and live my own life. The more I practice this new way of living, the less drained I feel. I am starting to believe that each day is only as hard or challenging as I want it to be. Of course it's still really difficult living with an active A in my house because I do love him and we share a life and have kids together. But now I know his choices are his own and I don't have to be dragged down by them.
-- Edited by sakina on Friday 22nd of June 2018 01:54:34 PM
Bo said
Jun 22, 2018
Connection wrote:
I would like to hear from others who are or were married to an alcoholic. What did you find the most challenging? What helped you decide to stay or go?
What did I find most challenging? Well, for me, it's called "Life"...the everyday, day to day, minute to minute, living. The fallout, the collateral damage, the direct damage, the byproduct, the aftermath, and the during-math, of having a spouse who is an alcoholic. The drinking. The sound of the kitchen drawer opening, knowing exactly which drawer it was, and knowing that's where the bottle opener was. The very distinct sound the metal cap on a bottle of beer makes makes when the bottle opener bends the metal and the escape of air from inside the bottle gets released. Having a spouse who could not be present, for a conversation about nothing, or something serious, for a laugh when watching a sitcom, for just a look, a smile, holding hands. Not being able to "connect" with my spouse, connected in a meaningful way, as partners, with the person who I loved and looked forward to each day with, with the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and when thinking about that, I thanked God for having met this person and having this person in my life. That is gone do to alcohol, alcoholism. Having a spouse who is the shell of a person they used to be, where their spirit, their essence of who they were, what made them the person they were, having all of that just disappear.
For me, I guess that's a decent start.
-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 23rd of June 2018 11:08:47 AM
LexieA said
Jun 23, 2018
I am married to a functional alcoholic. With that said, I have moved 3 times. I have 3 young children. I stayed because I am older mom and I could not get a job. I feel very trapped but lucky he is still working because that someday he is not working is coming! I have to face this reality or my denial and I have to plan and be prepared. It is yes to all. I have a plan. Without a plan, I plan to fail. So yes I have a plan. I got in a car accident with him driving and I hurt my neck. I was bed ridden for 4 years but I have worked so hard to restore myself physically and emotionally. I am now physically ready to get a job. Emotionally, it was alnon and my sponsor who restored my sanity. Living with an alcoholic, I have found is living with an mentally ill person. It is much easier for me to view him in that light. Their behavior is social avoidance, dual addictions, unpredictability, unreliable, mood swings, paranoid, delusional, and a pathologically liars. Who in their right mind would want to have a relationship with this person with these traits. So....I have learned to detach, ignore, flips little sayings at him, remove myself from his presence, and stand up for myself. I have learned not to take anything he says personally remembering he is a liar. I do not allow his mood swings or his angry toned voice at me to try to control my behavior. I think oops he done it again. I leave the room. I do not like this person anymore but I do get a peek at the person he once used to be. So I know there is a good person inside somewhere. But this is all mental illness. There is no companionship, trust, or friendship with an alcoholic. I feel like I am a single person again and I plan things with my girl friends who are my companions. I did not treat the alcoholic very nice and kind until alnon helped me. It turned my anger and resentment around. The anger has melted. It has taken me years to become this well behaved nice person to the alcoholic. I am able to see our relationship as separate and I do not enable him at all. He sleeps where he falls. I do not do his laundry or pick up after himself. He is on his own.
I have a schedule for the kids and I am the safe stable one. I am reliable, consistent, and the love in their lives. We have so much fun together. I do not plan dinner, sporting events, outings, games, with the alcoholic. Although I do give him the sporting games schedule and if he wants to show up he can. We eat dinner without him. He doesnt participate in our kids lives. He doesnt know the kids at all. He is what I call a 1 minute dad. He mainly talks about himself. Yes the alcoholic is a narcisstic person. Although he finds himself alone most of the time. The kids choose not to hang around him. The kids love him but they dont come to him for anything maybe money. I found he is hoarding the money. He uses money to control me. The only thing he has left. Maybe he thinks he will not have any to drink? I think his mental capacity is changing.
There is nothing pretty about living with an addict but I have lost myself... but I have found myself. I have become better than I even thought possible. I have a greater admiration for my courage, strength, and hope that I have ever thought I could achieved. The adversity or painful environment pushed me to look deep within myself to see what I want to be or I can change. I know myself better with alnons soul searching steps and principles. The one day at a time book helped me to focus on me and kept me being a kind loving person who can function during adversity or everydays stressful life. I know how to protect myself emotionally, mentally, and physically. I know I am the only one who can make myself happy. I can and do find joy in my life everyday. I do this without having a meaningful relationship with the alcoholic. I am not powerless. So the push that I got to work on myself, Wrestle with my demons, and let go and let God Drive my life. I would have to say thank you to living with an alcoholic.
maria k said
Jun 23, 2018
Most challenging for me? Detaching from him and whatever it is within him that compels him to open beer after beer after beer. Concentrating on my own wellness and not obsessing over how he may or may not ruin an occasion with his drinking. Remembering that I cannot compare my life to other people's lives that seem so perfect compared to the life I am living. And not beating myself up over the choices I made when I was 21, young, and very foolish.
I stay because my situation is not intolerable. There is no abuse. But I take comfort in knowing that I am financially independent, and that should I ever choose to leave, I will be ok on my own. In many ways I've been on my own for the past 26 years.
Finding grace said
Jun 23, 2018
Hi there, interesting question. Honestly, so much is difficult. The constant lying, and attempts to manipulate situations, and complete lack of trust. The blame and outbursts, the extreme selfishness. All things I didn't dream of in my mate! The biggest thing is probably not having my needs met within the relationship
Through alanon I am learning to detach, not get caught up in his moods and issues I will not change him or his behaviour, only my own, and my reactions.. I don't know yet if I will ultimately stay or go. I will be independent, and be sure to have the option to go, if this is what I decide. If I can keep things tolerable enough, I will stay. I know I can't expect him to be who I would like him to be, but focus on my life and serenity.
a4l said
Jun 23, 2018
The total lack of responsibility, reliability and reality. Those were/are challenges. But probably the hardest was/is feeling stupid for falling for the bs inspite of those things and knowing them then suffering the consequences alone. I didn't want to leave. I had to. But I'm still trying to pick up the pieces later. I don't think I'll ever be the same. When I find that thing called forgiveness, for my own idiocy, I will probably graduate to gratitude for the experience. Not there yet, so I keep coming back.
kakr444 said
Jun 25, 2018
For me the lying is the absolute worst. I'm slowly learning to detach and accept my powerlessness. I'm remaining optimistic that one day things might be better, but I'm also accepting that if they're not I'll be ok. Sometimes it does seem like a lose-lose situation. Stay and be unhappy, or leave and by breaking up the family unit, be unhappy.
Jayla said
Jun 25, 2018
Hi there. I no longer live with my alcoholic husband but thereâs so much stuff that goes along with the alcoholism that is terrible to live with. LYING is huge because they even lie to themselves so they can deny their addiction so of course theyâre going to lie to everyone else. Cheating was what did it for me and made me kick him out. While not every alcoholic cheats, it does seem to go hand in hand a lot of times. Mine was functional in that he worked, paid bills etc but I realized over time that if there was a conflict between his family and his drinking, drinking won EVERY SINGLE TIME. You NEVER come first to an alcoholic. Problems with the law often follow, due to Duiâs. Alcoholics tend to be very mean to the people who love them most. Thereâs a lot of bad. For me personally I experienced verbal abuse, one instance of physical abuse, he had a problem with the law, he cheated and so so so much lying from him. I decided Iâd had enough once he cheated and kicked him out. Iâm so glad I did. But every persons situation is different and everyone has to do what works for them. (((HUGS)))
JerryF said
Jun 25, 2018
I have been married to the disease all my life and as a 40 year member of the Al-Anon Family Groups the last 40 years have been exceptional. My present wife of 20 years is also a program member and this marriage has lasted longer than the two before it combined...again because of the programs of Al-Anon and AA. Before I said yes to the program and made up my mind not to run away from it all of my relationships were with the women I drank with and we made each other very sick. When I found out this was a disease and that we were not all bad people things changed for me. Being married to a woman in the program that works the program while I am also working it creates so much hope in our lives and the lives of others in the family. Yes the disease continues on in our family which has a beacon of hope when they are ready. Great post...Mahalo ((((hugs))))
exiled said
Jun 26, 2018
Thank you to a4 and kak, your posts on this thread are really helpful to me right now, as I am trying to figure out my next step. Prayers for you all!
exiled said
Jun 26, 2018
Oops... add Jayla to the list of those to thank. All three of these posts speak directly to my situation.
milkwood said
Jun 26, 2018
What did I find the most challenging: Letting go of MY expectations of what it meant to have a husband and learning to enforce my boundaries without feeling guilty or believing what I was hearing.
What helped me to go: When I recognised that I was becoming someone I didn't like. A desire to enjoy life rather than suffer it.
What helped me to stay: Realising that my husband didn't want to behave like he was and that I could leave at any time. Taking up my own hobbies and interests and protecting my space and schedule. Learning to say no. Oh, and earphones!!
Jen61 said
Jun 27, 2018
For me, it was the lying and the verbal abuse. Words do hurt. I never took a day at a time approach until the alcohol entered our life.
KT2015 said
Jun 27, 2018
HI there, I will jump in too. That is a big question and I agree with Canadianguy in that everyone's situation is unique. What works for one person may not work for another. so this is my sharing on the topic feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.
The most challenging part of living with my AH is the unpredictability of who I am dealing with. When he's sober he's sweet, sensitive and thoughtful much of the time. When he's drinking he can be rude, angry and annoying. My AH's drinking goes up and down as he struggles to control it but ultimately can't seem to do it. I have gone back and forth between staying and going. I have stayed so far but what helped me with the turmoil I was feeling about that decision was to tell myself that I could take the relationship one day at a time. I am in this marriage today but just for today. I can't project past that. When it's time I know that I will know.
What also helped me was not putting all my expectations for support on to him. I did feel lonely and sad when I first came into Al Anon but I have slowly built up a support circle and a life that is not all reliant on the alcoholic. If I need some emotional support and he is not in a state to provide it I seek out others from my group or family or friends that can give it to. I've stopped going to the hardware store for bread as they say in the literature somewhere. I believe that building up my life outside of him has made me a stronger and happier person. If I stay it helps me maintain my relationship and a balance for myself. If I go it will help me in future relationships. I also learned not to accept unacceptable behaviour. I speak up more about how I will and will not tolerate being spoken to. I refuse to engage in heated arguments and will not discuss anything serious when he's drunk. This has drastically improved my life. In the past I used to plead with him not to speak to me the way he did or argue with him about why he should treat me better. When I decided not to accept it I kept it really simple and said "Do not speak to me that way I don't deserve it" and then disengaged if he continued to be rude. I was shocked to see how much more respect we have for each other since I started doing that. I hold a little resentment about the fact that I had to do that to get treated with respect but I try to let that go.
I assume you asked the question because you are struggling with a decision. I wish you all the best and hope you keep coming back.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Wednesday 27th of June 2018 12:30:27 PM
JerryF said
Jun 27, 2018
I am not longer married to an alcoholic...Thank you God and the program...and when I was what was most challenging was the awareness that I really didn't matter as it seemed I did before we were married. The addiction; compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body took over everything and I didn't come in second I came in last in their lives (more than one alcoholic spouse). What finally happened? I was led to the Al-Anon Family Groups and then held there by a power greater than myself to stay and listen, listen, listen and then practice, practice, practice. I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know so I was living in a situation I had no choice about it getting worse constantly.
Coming to the realization that I was truly powerless over what the hell this was all about encouraged me to change direction in a way I would have never considered and didn't at that time. Al-Anon was foreign in thought, feelings and actions and beliefs yet when I started to practice my life changed....sometimes not for the better I thought and mostly changed away from the insanity of the minutes and hours just before.
I learned to do what you have done here...reach out ask for help even taking the risk that I was making a pest of myself and was not worthy of consideration. Keep on keeping on with your search and requests for help. This is the best place for doing it. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Wednesday 27th of June 2018 12:53:06 PM
I would like to hear from others who are or were married to an alcoholic. What did you find the most challenging? What helped you decide to stay or go?
The support of like minded people provided the support I needed to change
Staying or leaving is a personal decision based upon each person's needs/wants. There is no right/wrong answer. What is suggested in Al-Anon is that we work on ourselves, attend meetings, use the steps and literature and not make any decisions for at least 6 months. This is suggested so we can make decisions with a bit less emotion and a bit more sanity. There is hope and help in recovery!
The bigges challenge has been the worsening instability. Luckily, AH was able to hold a fabulous job and retire with full pension, so im VERY grateful for that.
AH became an alcoholic somewhat later in life, but hes always struggled with mental illness, something that he hid from me for many years and what eventually caused him to choowe booze to self-medicate.
the worse part is that he is an angry drunk and Im usually the target of his verbal assaults. I have Learned to keep money/clothes/keys with me or in car so I can leave when hes drinking
-- Edited by FrustratedWifeofAlcoholic on Friday 22nd of June 2018 03:27:09 AM
That's a big, long-winded answer..... I think the reality is that every situation is unique, and thus the decision of stay vs go is unique as well.
For me, I had to learn - a LOT, probably starting with patience, but then all the key skills - such as standing up for me, establishing and enforcing boundaries, and everything in between. I stayed with my AW through several attempts at getting sober, including a couple of significant treatment centers. Ours is somewhat of a happy ending - not THE happy ending that we re-found love and lived happily ever after, but am pleased to say that my ex-AW just celebrated her 16th year of sobriety. I left, once she was able to be sober and stand on her own two feet again, as she was once again capable of being a good and attentive mother (which she certainly was NOT capable of during her active alcoholism). So I was married for ten years - she got sober in 2002, and I left in 2003 - simply too much damage and water (or vodka!) under the bridge, I guess you could say.....
T
Like others above, being married to my A is a challenge in many areas. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially. For me the worst challenge is the feeling of being drained or feeling powerless. The good news is I am powerless over him BUT I am not powerless over myself. I'm learning healthy ways to detach and live my own life. The more I practice this new way of living, the less drained I feel. I am starting to believe that each day is only as hard or challenging as I want it to be. Of course it's still really difficult living with an active A in my house because I do love him and we share a life and have kids together. But now I know his choices are his own and I don't have to be dragged down by them.
-- Edited by sakina on Friday 22nd of June 2018 01:54:34 PM
What did I find most challenging? Well, for me, it's called "Life"...the everyday, day to day, minute to minute, living. The fallout, the collateral damage, the direct damage, the byproduct, the aftermath, and the during-math, of having a spouse who is an alcoholic. The drinking. The sound of the kitchen drawer opening, knowing exactly which drawer it was, and knowing that's where the bottle opener was. The very distinct sound the metal cap on a bottle of beer makes makes when the bottle opener bends the metal and the escape of air from inside the bottle gets released. Having a spouse who could not be present, for a conversation about nothing, or something serious, for a laugh when watching a sitcom, for just a look, a smile, holding hands. Not being able to "connect" with my spouse, connected in a meaningful way, as partners, with the person who I loved and looked forward to each day with, with the person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and when thinking about that, I thanked God for having met this person and having this person in my life. That is gone do to alcohol, alcoholism. Having a spouse who is the shell of a person they used to be, where their spirit, their essence of who they were, what made them the person they were, having all of that just disappear.
For me, I guess that's a decent start.
-- Edited by Bo on Saturday 23rd of June 2018 11:08:47 AM
I have a schedule for the kids and I am the safe stable one. I am reliable, consistent, and the love in their lives. We have so much fun together. I do not plan dinner, sporting events, outings, games, with the alcoholic. Although I do give him the sporting games schedule and if he wants to show up he can. We eat dinner without him. He doesnt participate in our kids lives. He doesnt know the kids at all. He is what I call a 1 minute dad. He mainly talks about himself. Yes the alcoholic is a narcisstic person. Although he finds himself alone most of the time. The kids choose not to hang around him. The kids love him but they dont come to him for anything maybe money. I found he is hoarding the money. He uses money to control me. The only thing he has left. Maybe he thinks he will not have any to drink? I think his mental capacity is changing.
There is nothing pretty about living with an addict but I have lost myself... but I have found myself. I have become better than I even thought possible. I have a greater admiration for my courage, strength, and hope that I have ever thought I could achieved. The adversity or painful environment pushed me to look deep within myself to see what I want to be or I can change. I know myself better with alnons soul searching steps and principles. The one day at a time book helped me to focus on me and kept me being a kind loving person who can function during adversity or everydays stressful life. I know how to protect myself emotionally, mentally, and physically. I know I am the only one who can make myself happy. I can and do find joy in my life everyday. I do this without having a meaningful relationship with the alcoholic. I am not powerless. So the push that I got to work on myself, Wrestle with my demons, and let go and let God Drive my life. I would have to say thank you to living with an alcoholic.
I stay because my situation is not intolerable. There is no abuse. But I take comfort in knowing that I am financially independent, and that should I ever choose to leave, I will be ok on my own. In many ways I've been on my own for the past 26 years.
Hi there, interesting question. Honestly, so much is difficult. The constant lying, and attempts to manipulate situations, and complete lack of trust. The blame and outbursts, the extreme selfishness. All things I didn't dream of in my mate! The biggest thing is probably not having my needs met within the relationship
Through alanon I am learning to detach, not get caught up in his moods and issues
I will not change him or his behaviour, only my own, and my reactions.. I don't know yet if I will ultimately stay or go. I will be independent, and be sure to have the option to go, if this is what I decide. If I can keep things tolerable enough, I will stay. I know I can't expect him to be who I would like him to be, but focus on my life and serenity.
For me the lying is the absolute worst. I'm slowly learning to detach and accept my powerlessness. I'm remaining optimistic that one day things might be better, but I'm also accepting that if they're not I'll be ok. Sometimes it does seem like a lose-lose situation. Stay and be unhappy, or leave and by breaking up the family unit, be unhappy.
I have been married to the disease all my life and as a 40 year member of the Al-Anon Family Groups the last 40 years have been exceptional. My present wife of 20 years is also a program member and this marriage has lasted longer than the two before it combined...again because of the programs of Al-Anon and AA. Before I said yes to the program and made up my mind not to run away from it all of my relationships were with the women I drank with and we made each other very sick. When I found out this was a disease and that we were not all bad people things changed for me. Being married to a woman in the program that works the program while I am also working it creates so much hope in our lives and the lives of others in the family. Yes the disease continues on in our family which has a beacon of hope when they are ready. Great post...Mahalo ((((hugs))))
What helped me to go: When I recognised that I was becoming someone I didn't like. A desire to enjoy life rather than suffer it.
What helped me to stay: Realising that my husband didn't want to behave like he was and that I could leave at any time. Taking up my own hobbies and interests and protecting my space and schedule. Learning to say no. Oh, and earphones!!
HI there,
I will jump in too. That is a big question and I agree with Canadianguy in that everyone's situation is unique. What works for one person may not work for another. so this is my sharing on the topic feel free to take what you like and leave the rest.
The most challenging part of living with my AH is the unpredictability of who I am dealing with. When he's sober he's sweet, sensitive and thoughtful much of the time. When he's drinking he can be rude, angry and annoying. My AH's drinking goes up and down as he struggles to control it but ultimately can't seem to do it. I have gone back and forth between staying and going. I have stayed so far but what helped me with the turmoil I was feeling about that decision was to tell myself that I could take the relationship one day at a time. I am in this marriage today but just for today. I can't project past that. When it's time I know that I will know.
What also helped me was not putting all my expectations for support on to him. I did feel lonely and sad when I first came into Al Anon but I have slowly built up a support circle and a life that is not all reliant on the alcoholic. If I need some emotional support and he is not in a state to provide it I seek out others from my group or family or friends that can give it to. I've stopped going to the hardware store for bread as they say in the literature somewhere. I believe that building up my life outside of him has made me a stronger and happier person. If I stay it helps me maintain my relationship and a balance for myself. If I go it will help me in future relationships. I also learned not to accept unacceptable behaviour. I speak up more about how I will and will not tolerate being spoken to. I refuse to engage in heated arguments and will not discuss anything serious when he's drunk. This has drastically improved my life. In the past I used to plead with him not to speak to me the way he did or argue with him about why he should treat me better. When I decided not to accept it I kept it really simple and said "Do not speak to me that way I don't deserve it" and then disengaged if he continued to be rude. I was shocked to see how much more respect we have for each other since I started doing that. I hold a little resentment about the fact that I had to do that to get treated with respect but I try to let that go.
I assume you asked the question because you are struggling with a decision. I wish you all the best and hope you keep coming back.
-- Edited by KT2015 on Wednesday 27th of June 2018 12:30:27 PM
I am not longer married to an alcoholic...Thank you God and the program...and when I was what was most challenging was the awareness that I really didn't matter as it seemed I did before we were married. The addiction; compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body took over everything and I didn't come in second I came in last in their lives (more than one alcoholic spouse). What finally happened? I was led to the Al-Anon Family Groups and then held there by a power greater than myself to stay and listen, listen, listen and then practice, practice, practice. I didn't know about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know so I was living in a situation I had no choice about it getting worse constantly.
Coming to the realization that I was truly powerless over what the hell this was all about encouraged me to change direction in a way I would have never considered and didn't at that time. Al-Anon was foreign in thought, feelings and actions and beliefs yet when I started to practice my life changed....sometimes not for the better I thought and mostly changed away from the insanity of the minutes and hours just before.
I learned to do what you have done here...reach out ask for help even taking the risk that I was making a pest of myself and was not worthy of consideration. Keep on keeping on with your search and requests for help. This is the best place for doing it. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Wednesday 27th of June 2018 12:53:06 PM