It's hard not to take it personal. My AH said some things today that really hurt. The overall message was I'm the reason he uses, he would be clean except for me. I caused his relapse. He told his counselor and she agrees. And my program Al Anon/Nar Anon isn't working for me because AH doesn't see me changing.
These are my "Buttons". AH knows they hurt. He uses them when he doesn't get his way. For years I've been triggered by these same "Buttons." Like a well-worn script, he presses the buttons, 1, 2, 3, 4 and suddenly I'm raging and we're having a full blown fight. Wow, I'm glad I can now see how that works!!!
I'm thankful to have Al Anon in my life. I'm thankful to my HP. I am changing, slowly. I've been able to flip the script. AH pressed the buttons. 1,2,3,4. and while I did get hot in the face and I heard my tone get snappy..... I was able to stop myself before it got too crazy. Walk and exit stage right!!
Later I let the tears fall. For me a little cry is an okay release. Feel the feelings (they are natural), process them, and let them pass.
It's okay AH doesn't think I'm changing. His opinion of me is not my business! I know I'm changing, slowly but surely.
When I'm patient with my progress, it helps me be patient with AH. The past few days he increased his meetings and started outpatient. And I can see small changes in him. Even if he doesn't accept his changes, either. I guess like most A's, AH is hardest on himself.
I don't make excuses for AH but I'm able to accept now it isn't about ME. He behaves like this because he's an active A. He says irrational things to avoid responsibility for his choices. And he tries to avoid responsibility so he can continue drinking/use.
QTIP - Quit Taking it Personal. Let Go and Let God. These two slogans helped me today. Letting go is very hard, I'm working on it.
Bo said
Jun 20, 2018
sakina wrote:
It's hard not to take it personal. My AH said some things today that really hurt. The overall message was I'm the reason he uses, he would be clean except for me. I caused his relapse. He told his counselor and she agrees. And my program Al Anon/Nar Anon isn't working for me because AH doesn't see me changing.
These are my "Buttons". AH knows they hurt. He uses them when he doesn't get his way. For years I've been triggered by these same "Buttons." Like a well-worn script, he presses the buttons, 1, 2, 3, 4 and suddenly I'm raging and we're having a full blown fight. Wow, I'm glad I can now see how that works!!!
I'm thankful to have Al Anon in my life. I'm thankful to my HP. I am changing, slowly. I've been able to flip the script. AH pressed the buttons. 1,2,3,4. and while I did get hot in the face and I heard my tone get snappy..... I was able to stop myself before it got too crazy. Walk and exit stage right!!
Later I let the tears fall. For me a little cry is an okay release. Feel the feelings (they are natural), process them, and let them pass.
It's okay AH doesn't think I'm changing. His opinion of me is not my business! I know I'm changing, slowly but surely.
When I'm patient with my progress, it helps me be patient with AH. The past few days he increased his meetings and started outpatient. And I can see small changes in him. Even if he doesn't accept his changes, either. I guess like most A's, AH is hardest on himself.
I don't make excuses for AH but I'm able to accept now it isn't about ME. He behaves like this because he's an active A. He says irrational things to avoid responsibility for his choices. And he tries to avoid responsibility so he can continue drinking/use.
QTIP - Quit Taking it Personal. Let Go and Let God. These two slogans helped me today. Letting go is very hard, I'm working on it.
First things first...you did not cause his relapse. If you tell me you tied him down and forced alcohol down his throat, or injected him with drugs, OK, I'll agree. But short of that, you did not. I am shocked that a professional would say such a thing. Perhaps it is out of context or something, but any professional knows better.
Second, your program working or not working has NOTHING to do with your AH seeing you change or not. That is not what alanon is about. We don't look for affirmation or approval from others, or check with others to see if they think we've changed, and if they do, we are a success, and if they don't, then we are a failure. That is simply inaccurate and incorrect.
He can't push your buttons if -- they weren't buttons, if you didn't let him, if they weren't exposed, if you focused on you and what you need to do to get better. That's our goal -- all of us -- for us to get better. Keep being thankful and keep working it. Find a sponsor and get a new perspective on your thinking. You did a great job being aware and not slipping. You were able to stop before it got worse! That's great.
Keep doing what you are doing...progress, not perfection. Little by slowly.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 20, 2018
Good on you saki .. change is hard and I know I didn'tget he over night. It so sounds like you handled the whole situation with grace dignity and tact .. that's not easy to do. Stand in your truth and let your program through changed behavior be the light to others. :) big big hugs!!
Iamhere said
Jun 20, 2018
(((sakina))) - it took me a long while to realize that words are ... just that - words. Yes, when others are throwing blame/shame my way, it hurts, especially when it's someone who's supposed to be on my side! Yet, the way you processed does show me the program is working and you are working it!!!
Like feelings, they are here, present, not always pleasant yet the good news I learned in recovery - they do not define me. Like feelings, they are not facts. They are simply words - and what you shared is so true - what another thinks of me is not my business.
We had multiple counselors over the years and those who did not understand addiction/alcoholism were not helpful. It's also not helpful when counseling is 'forced' and it was painful as all get out when my guys had absolutely no interest in being there....It was a waste of time and not helpful as they were not willing or ready to be honest and to work together for improvement.
I did carry a Q-Tip in my pocket for a long while to help remind me to Quit Taking It Personally. Al-Anon gave me a variety of tools to use and to learn how to respond vs. react...my best response in the beginning was no response - when mine learned that my buttons were 'uninstalled', they were baffled but over time, the dance stopped...
I 'hear' you working on you and working on recovery. What we feel about ourselves and our days matters way more than what others observe/say - and it took me a while to realize that. My alcoholics did NOT like me changing at all at first as I became way less predictable. Over time, they began to see it was a good thing and we're all in a better place than we used to be. My best suggestion - just keep doing you as best you can and keep leaning into Al-Anon....it's been a game changer for me!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 20, 2018
I see growth in your post! Awareness! Acceptance!
Keep it up... Progress not perfection!
Peace to you!
Bo said
Jun 21, 2018
I used to hear in meetings -- just because the alcoholic calls you a chair, that doesn't mean you're a chair...and the other one was...just because the alcoholic calls you a cow, that doesn't mean you are going to go outside and start eating grass...LOL.
Now, I get that words have meaning, they sometimes make a statement, and they hurt. Without question. I would never say "simply ignore the words" in perpetuity. Verbal harassment is still verbal harassment. We can't ignore words forever, because at a certain point, and in a certain context, they do have meaning...but not here, LOL.
They don't define you as a person...and words don't equate and doesn't mean right or wrong, or guilt or innocence. We don't learn co-dependency and outward thinking in, and that becomes our way of living. That is NOT alanon. Others, and their accusations don't define us and keep us down.
There are plenty of excellent therapists, counsellors, professionals -- and some are specialists. I can't say you and you spouse have a good one or bad one. No one here can. And I don't buy into the blanket statements about -- unless they specialize in addiction, they are useless, good for nothing, etc. Yes, a specialist certainly helps. Personally and professionally I believe in specialists. Absolutely. However, when someone isn't a specialist, that doesn't equate to incompetence -- although, as I said, I have never heard of a professional out and out saying -- he drinks because of you. Now, understand something else -- with rehab, counselling, IOP, any solution -- when the alcoholic does it for the WRONG reason(s), meaning they didn't truly want to, the chances of success plummet. Unfortunately, it's a reality no one wants to face.
That said, my response when I faced this -- and I faced it constantly -- was "I am sorry you feel that way." Period. No back and forth. I didn't engage. I was saying something to end a discussion or tirade. I have found if you ignore a confronting alcoholic, things can escalate. Ignoring can be insulting, offensive, childish, etc. -- but if you like, go right ahead. If the attack, discussion, words, tirate did not end -- then, I then spoke my boundary...."As I explained to you and expressed to you in the past, when ___________________ (fill in the blank), I was not comfortable engaging, I wasn't going to engage with you, get into a back and forth, I am not comfortable having a conversation with you." And then I was done. I walked away. I went into another room. I locked the door. I went for a walk if I had to. I left the house and went to Starbucks. I went to a movie. I just went. Because that was my boundary...and I was going to honor it!!! If I didn't...I would not get better. Period.
As this continued -- and I got better -- the dynamic changed. My experience was that -- for as long as my wife was still drinking -- she absolutely, without question, did NOT like me changing, getting better (she didn't think it was better, but I did), etc. She wanted me to stay the same and do what I always did -- be there for her, get into the back and forth, get into the arguments and fights, she wanted me to keep accepting blame, and so on. Me changing, me getting better was a massive threat to her status quo! If she had her choice, she would have wanted me to remain exactly the same...because then it would be easier for her to do exactly what she was doing (drinking and everything that resulted from it) and do so without any consequences. Get it? So ironic and thought-provoking.
Keep going to meetings, talk to your sponsor and keep learning. You are doing it and doing it well. Keep on doing it. It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it.
Jozie said
Jun 21, 2018
(((Sakina))) Great Awareness :) Awesome Job...
Early on In my Program, I had NO IDEA How to Not Take Anything & Everything... other then Personal... And I can say there are Still days it stings but Like you mentioned, once we wrap our Head around Our Recovery... and What's Best for Us, Slowly the Fog Clears and We Begin to Realize it is but THEIR Disease...
You are Doing Great :) And Thanks for Sharing your ESH... I Love Coming here and Seeing so Much Progress, with No Need For Perfection :) Works if We Work it...
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
sakina said
Jun 21, 2018
Thank you all for listening, being here and for the ESH! "It works if you work it..." at first I wondered what this meant and why others kept saying this! Lol. I understand now. Today I will keep working it because I am worth it! I hope you all have a wonderful day.
canadianguy said
Jun 21, 2018
(((hugs Sakina)))
You KNOW that the three C's are valid and factual, and the absolute truth is - even if you were the meanest, most dastardly woman in the whole history of the universe (which you are obviously NOT), you still can't be the reason why he uses....
One of the best parts of accepting the validity of the 12 Steps.... if we accept that we truly are "powerless" over our loved one's addictions - then that is also very freeing, as if we are powerless in terms of making them drunk (or sober), then it also stands to reason that we can't shoulder the blame for whether they choose to be drunk (or sober).
Interesting comment that his therapist "agrees with him" - wonder if that is him paraphrasing, or whether you have heard that directly? If the counselor truly said/believes that, I could only guess that they have ZERO training in the area of addictions. If that is just him telling you what his interpretation of what the counselor said, then I would assume that his version of any truth is definitely being significantly influenced by his desire to keep in his addiction.
Take care
Tom
p.s. this popped up on my "daily affirmations" list today - perfect timing! "I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves."
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 21st of June 2018 12:35:33 PM
lgnutah said
Jun 21, 2018
I doubt his counselor actually agreed with your AH (think about it.....he grouses to her and says you are the reason for all his problems etc etc, and then she....she agrees? Ummm, doubt it!)
Conflicted said
Jul 1, 2018
You are doing a great job working your program. Be proud. When my AH was in rehab. his counselor said some things in my presence that supported his "off" thinking. Back then I wasn't in Alanon and I now know how wrong she was in her thinking. Sometimes the approach they take in rehab is not the same as ours. It took that to get my AH to AA and the whole situation to get me to Alanon, so I'm grateful even though not everything was always on par with clear thinking. Lean on your program and do something good for yourself.
tiredtonite said
Jul 1, 2018
Hi Sakina,
Yep, way to work it! I like the way you are working QTIP. I like the way you are leaving his behavior with him. It's totally about him and not you. I heard a lot of compassion for the alcoholic in your share. You care about what he's going through and know that he's struggling. That has to help a lot with not taking mean words personally. He's very lucky to have someone like you in his life. Alanon teaches us that the most loving support we can give to another is to continue to work our program and leave others to work themselves out. You're putting loving detachment into action and taking care of yourself.
It could be possible that he is jealous of how you are working your program and your serenity. If he is ill at ease and you aren't, he may want to instigate. But if that is so, you don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to. You are choosing not to engage and to keep your serenity and that's great! TT
Bo said
Jul 2, 2018
This is a topic that I very much like to read and revisit often -- because before recovery, while I was in the abyss and in the direct line of fire of my wife's disease...all I did was take it personally! Very personally! This goes hand in hand with being gentle with yourself. Focusing on you, doing the next right thing in front of you. It is hard to love someone when they punch you in the face every single day, multiple times a day, when you are not looking, when you keep loving them, trying to help them, etc.
From the time we were kids -- we heard "stick and stones" and that's true, all well and good. However, even as adults. Words hurt. It's easy to say they are just words, they are not facts...but we are human, with sensitivities and feelings...and words can hurt. I don't believe that the answer is "NO, don't feel that way, they are just words" -- as much as I feel it's words can hurt, and maybe they are supposed to hurt...it's just what we do with the hurt that counts. We don't let it consume or overtake us!!! We surrender to it, we have acceptance, and we let it go. It doesn't define us. It doesn't dictate to us or for us.
Keep doing what you are doing sakina. You are doing great. Lean into and rely on the program, your sponsor, and keep working it. It works if you work it.
We have our program -- our steps, our tools, our resources, our material, and so much more -- and that's how we live our lives in a healthy way.
sakina said
Jul 2, 2018
Thank you all for your encouragement and shares. As far as the counselor... I heard it from my AH. Not the most reliable source! I'm sure my AH is hearing what he wants to. I've accepted most of what he tells me (second hand) is really his own voice.
Bo - "... just because the alcoholic calls you a chair, that doesn't mean you're a chair...and the other one was...just because the alcoholic calls you a cow, that doesn't mean you are going to go outside and start eating grass." Lol, very true! This is a good thing to call to mind if the A (or others) start labeling!!
Hope you all are having a great Monday.
-- Edited by sakina on Monday 2nd of July 2018 02:11:54 PM
Bo said
Jul 2, 2018
sakina wrote:
Thank you all for your encouragement and shares. As far as the counselor... I heard it from my AH. Not the most reliable source! I'm sure my AH is hearing what he wants to. I've accepted most of what he tells me (second hand) is really his own voice.
Bo - "... just because the alcoholic calls you a chair, that doesn't mean you're a chair...and the other one was...just because the alcoholic calls you a cow, that doesn't mean you are going to go outside and start eating grass." Lol, very true! This is a good thing to call to mind if the A (or others) start labeling!!
Hope you all are having a great Monday.
-- Edited by sakina on Monday 2nd of July 2018 02:11:54 PM
Sakina, thanks. While true, as I also said in my other post, words can hurt. It's a topic I talk about regularly -- when I am in the line of fire. However, I don't always have to be in the line of fire. For example, lately, I've been receiving texts from my ex -- starting out nice, and escalating, ending with, that's right, name calling, accusations, etc. I don't give it thought other than to know this is her wanting to be heard, wanting to be right, etc. So, once again, as I did in the past -- I don't have to read the texts!!! What a great idea!!! LOL.
Even today, in recovery -- words hurt, and at the same time, we are human. We have our sensitivities, can be immune to certain things, and overly sensitive to others. That's OK. It doesn't matter. Words hurt. What matters is...what we do with the hurt!!! I make sure it doesn't eat me alive. I make sure it doesn't consume me. I make sure it doesn't grow and manifest where it impacts me negatively. The words, and the hurt...DO NOT CHANGE ME. I don't fight the hurt. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. I accept that the words hurt. I surrender to it...and then I can let it go.
Thanks again. Keep working it. It works if you work it.
It's hard not to take it personal. My AH said some things today that really hurt. The overall message was I'm the reason he uses, he would be clean except for me. I caused his relapse. He told his counselor and she agrees. And my program Al Anon/Nar Anon isn't working for me because AH doesn't see me changing.
These are my "Buttons". AH knows they hurt. He uses them when he doesn't get his way. For years I've been triggered by these same "Buttons." Like a well-worn script, he presses the buttons, 1, 2, 3, 4 and suddenly I'm raging and we're having a full blown fight. Wow, I'm glad I can now see how that works!!!
I'm thankful to have Al Anon in my life. I'm thankful to my HP. I am changing, slowly. I've been able to flip the script. AH pressed the buttons. 1,2,3,4. and while I did get hot in the face and I heard my tone get snappy..... I was able to stop myself before it got too crazy. Walk and exit stage right!!
Later I let the tears fall. For me a little cry is an okay release. Feel the feelings (they are natural), process them, and let them pass.
It's okay AH doesn't think I'm changing. His opinion of me is not my business! I know I'm changing, slowly but surely.
When I'm patient with my progress, it helps me be patient with AH. The past few days he increased his meetings and started outpatient. And I can see small changes in him. Even if he doesn't accept his changes, either. I guess like most A's, AH is hardest on himself.
I don't make excuses for AH but I'm able to accept now it isn't about ME. He behaves like this because he's an active A. He says irrational things to avoid responsibility for his choices. And he tries to avoid responsibility so he can continue drinking/use.
QTIP - Quit Taking it Personal. Let Go and Let God. These two slogans helped me today. Letting go is very hard, I'm working on it.
First things first...you did not cause his relapse. If you tell me you tied him down and forced alcohol down his throat, or injected him with drugs, OK, I'll agree. But short of that, you did not. I am shocked that a professional would say such a thing. Perhaps it is out of context or something, but any professional knows better.
Second, your program working or not working has NOTHING to do with your AH seeing you change or not. That is not what alanon is about. We don't look for affirmation or approval from others, or check with others to see if they think we've changed, and if they do, we are a success, and if they don't, then we are a failure. That is simply inaccurate and incorrect.
He can't push your buttons if -- they weren't buttons, if you didn't let him, if they weren't exposed, if you focused on you and what you need to do to get better. That's our goal -- all of us -- for us to get better. Keep being thankful and keep working it. Find a sponsor and get a new perspective on your thinking. You did a great job being aware and not slipping. You were able to stop before it got worse! That's great.
Keep doing what you are doing...progress, not perfection. Little by slowly.
Like feelings, they are here, present, not always pleasant yet the good news I learned in recovery - they do not define me. Like feelings, they are not facts. They are simply words - and what you shared is so true - what another thinks of me is not my business.
We had multiple counselors over the years and those who did not understand addiction/alcoholism were not helpful. It's also not helpful when counseling is 'forced' and it was painful as all get out when my guys had absolutely no interest in being there....It was a waste of time and not helpful as they were not willing or ready to be honest and to work together for improvement.
I did carry a Q-Tip in my pocket for a long while to help remind me to Quit Taking It Personally. Al-Anon gave me a variety of tools to use and to learn how to respond vs. react...my best response in the beginning was no response - when mine learned that my buttons were 'uninstalled', they were baffled but over time, the dance stopped...
I 'hear' you working on you and working on recovery. What we feel about ourselves and our days matters way more than what others observe/say - and it took me a while to realize that. My alcoholics did NOT like me changing at all at first as I became way less predictable. Over time, they began to see it was a good thing and we're all in a better place than we used to be. My best suggestion - just keep doing you as best you can and keep leaning into Al-Anon....it's been a game changer for me!
Keep it up... Progress not perfection!
Peace to you!
Now, I get that words have meaning, they sometimes make a statement, and they hurt. Without question. I would never say "simply ignore the words" in perpetuity. Verbal harassment is still verbal harassment. We can't ignore words forever, because at a certain point, and in a certain context, they do have meaning...but not here, LOL.
They don't define you as a person...and words don't equate and doesn't mean right or wrong, or guilt or innocence. We don't learn co-dependency and outward thinking in, and that becomes our way of living. That is NOT alanon. Others, and their accusations don't define us and keep us down.
There are plenty of excellent therapists, counsellors, professionals -- and some are specialists. I can't say you and you spouse have a good one or bad one. No one here can. And I don't buy into the blanket statements about -- unless they specialize in addiction, they are useless, good for nothing, etc. Yes, a specialist certainly helps. Personally and professionally I believe in specialists. Absolutely. However, when someone isn't a specialist, that doesn't equate to incompetence -- although, as I said, I have never heard of a professional out and out saying -- he drinks because of you. Now, understand something else -- with rehab, counselling, IOP, any solution -- when the alcoholic does it for the WRONG reason(s), meaning they didn't truly want to, the chances of success plummet. Unfortunately, it's a reality no one wants to face.
That said, my response when I faced this -- and I faced it constantly -- was "I am sorry you feel that way." Period. No back and forth. I didn't engage. I was saying something to end a discussion or tirade. I have found if you ignore a confronting alcoholic, things can escalate. Ignoring can be insulting, offensive, childish, etc. -- but if you like, go right ahead. If the attack, discussion, words, tirate did not end -- then, I then spoke my boundary...."As I explained to you and expressed to you in the past, when ___________________ (fill in the blank), I was not comfortable engaging, I wasn't going to engage with you, get into a back and forth, I am not comfortable having a conversation with you." And then I was done. I walked away. I went into another room. I locked the door. I went for a walk if I had to. I left the house and went to Starbucks. I went to a movie. I just went. Because that was my boundary...and I was going to honor it!!! If I didn't...I would not get better. Period.
As this continued -- and I got better -- the dynamic changed. My experience was that -- for as long as my wife was still drinking -- she absolutely, without question, did NOT like me changing, getting better (she didn't think it was better, but I did), etc. She wanted me to stay the same and do what I always did -- be there for her, get into the back and forth, get into the arguments and fights, she wanted me to keep accepting blame, and so on. Me changing, me getting better was a massive threat to her status quo! If she had her choice, she would have wanted me to remain exactly the same...because then it would be easier for her to do exactly what she was doing (drinking and everything that resulted from it) and do so without any consequences. Get it? So ironic and thought-provoking.
Keep going to meetings, talk to your sponsor and keep learning. You are doing it and doing it well. Keep on doing it. It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it.
Early on In my Program, I had NO IDEA How to Not Take Anything & Everything... other then Personal... And I can say there are Still days it stings but Like you mentioned, once we wrap our Head around Our Recovery... and What's Best for Us, Slowly the Fog Clears and We Begin to Realize it is but THEIR Disease...
You are Doing Great :) And Thanks for Sharing your ESH... I Love Coming here and Seeing so Much Progress, with No Need For Perfection :) Works if We Work it...
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
Thank you all for listening, being here and for the ESH! "It works if you work it..." at first I wondered what this meant and why others kept saying this! Lol. I understand now. Today I will keep working it because I am worth it! I hope you all have a wonderful day.
(((hugs Sakina)))
You KNOW that the three C's are valid and factual, and the absolute truth is - even if you were the meanest, most dastardly woman in the whole history of the universe (which you are obviously NOT), you still can't be the reason why he uses....
One of the best parts of accepting the validity of the 12 Steps.... if we accept that we truly are "powerless" over our loved one's addictions - then that is also very freeing, as if we are powerless in terms of making them drunk (or sober), then it also stands to reason that we can't shoulder the blame for whether they choose to be drunk (or sober).
Interesting comment that his therapist "agrees with him" - wonder if that is him paraphrasing, or whether you have heard that directly? If the counselor truly said/believes that, I could only guess that they have ZERO training in the area of addictions. If that is just him telling you what his interpretation of what the counselor said, then I would assume that his version of any truth is definitely being significantly influenced by his desire to keep in his addiction.
Take care
Tom
p.s. this popped up on my "daily affirmations" list today - perfect timing! "I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves."
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 21st of June 2018 12:35:33 PM
Hi Sakina,
Yep, way to work it! I like the way you are working QTIP. I like the way you are leaving his behavior with him. It's totally about him and not you. I heard a lot of compassion for the alcoholic in your share. You care about what he's going through and know that he's struggling. That has to help a lot with not taking mean words personally. He's very lucky to have someone like you in his life. Alanon teaches us that the most loving support we can give to another is to continue to work our program and leave others to work themselves out. You're putting loving detachment into action and taking care of yourself.
It could be possible that he is jealous of how you are working your program and your serenity. If he is ill at ease and you aren't, he may want to instigate. But if that is so, you don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to. You are choosing not to engage and to keep your serenity and that's great! TT
From the time we were kids -- we heard "stick and stones" and that's true, all well and good. However, even as adults. Words hurt. It's easy to say they are just words, they are not facts...but we are human, with sensitivities and feelings...and words can hurt. I don't believe that the answer is "NO, don't feel that way, they are just words" -- as much as I feel it's words can hurt, and maybe they are supposed to hurt...it's just what we do with the hurt that counts. We don't let it consume or overtake us!!! We surrender to it, we have acceptance, and we let it go. It doesn't define us. It doesn't dictate to us or for us.
Keep doing what you are doing sakina. You are doing great. Lean into and rely on the program, your sponsor, and keep working it. It works if you work it.
We have our program -- our steps, our tools, our resources, our material, and so much more -- and that's how we live our lives in a healthy way.
Thank you all for your encouragement and shares. As far as the counselor... I heard it from my AH. Not the most reliable source! I'm sure my AH is hearing what he wants to. I've accepted most of what he tells me (second hand) is really his own voice.
Bo - "... just because the alcoholic calls you a chair, that doesn't mean you're a chair...and the other one was...just because the alcoholic calls you a cow, that doesn't mean you are going to go outside and start eating grass." Lol, very true! This is a good thing to call to mind if the A (or others) start labeling!!
Hope you all are having a great Monday.
-- Edited by sakina on Monday 2nd of July 2018 02:11:54 PM
Sakina, thanks. While true, as I also said in my other post, words can hurt. It's a topic I talk about regularly -- when I am in the line of fire. However, I don't always have to be in the line of fire. For example, lately, I've been receiving texts from my ex -- starting out nice, and escalating, ending with, that's right, name calling, accusations, etc. I don't give it thought other than to know this is her wanting to be heard, wanting to be right, etc. So, once again, as I did in the past -- I don't have to read the texts!!! What a great idea!!! LOL.
Even today, in recovery -- words hurt, and at the same time, we are human. We have our sensitivities, can be immune to certain things, and overly sensitive to others. That's OK. It doesn't matter. Words hurt. What matters is...what we do with the hurt!!! I make sure it doesn't eat me alive. I make sure it doesn't consume me. I make sure it doesn't grow and manifest where it impacts me negatively. The words, and the hurt...DO NOT CHANGE ME. I don't fight the hurt. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. I accept that the words hurt. I surrender to it...and then I can let it go.
Thanks again. Keep working it. It works if you work it.