What to do if pretty sure "sober" husband is drinking
kakr444 said
Jun 20, 2018
My husband has been "sober" for 12 weeks after an in-patient rehab stay. We have a vacation home that has open bottles of liquor and he was adamant about leaving it there for other people (his counselor said it was up to him). However, I have twice seen the alcohol level decreasing in the bottle and of course when asked he denied drinking. I know I'm supposed to "let go" and am powerless, but do I just decide to accept what he says and wait and see what happens? I am not sure how I am supposed to handle this. Thanks for any advice.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 20, 2018
Hi and welcome,
I hope you will do for yourself and attend alanon if you are not already.
My experience taught me that I will know when I know instead of trying to catch my XAH in a lie. It just did more damage to our relationship because I always set the proverbial trap for him to fall into. Sorry to say it was so easy to do and he left himself wide open.
Honestly if you think he's drinking .. there's a good chance he probably is .. it is more helpful to get yourself healthy because living with active alcoholism creates the crazies and I really didn't enjoy that side of myself .. I was awful to be around .. in a lot of ways I empathize with my X's drinking .. he had an excuse for what he did .. my excuse was him and that wasn't really fair. It wasn't him .. it was me and my unhealthy responses to a situation as you stated that you are powerless over .. not helpless .. you always have choices .. I needed to be healthy so I could make better choices for myself.
Alanon gave me that peace to do so.
I just encourage you to keep coming back and seeking the answers for yourself.
Hugs S :)
kakr444 said
Jun 20, 2018
Thank you for your reply. I do attend al-anon though probably not as regularly as I should. I will try to keep focusing on my own health and happiness. Definitely not easy though.
Tude said
Jun 20, 2018
Hi kak,
Serenity summed it up wonderfully. My own experience has been if I am watching, measuring, asking..........I am a mess of anxiety and all other emotions. It actually breeds fear for me. I didn't recognize this tho until I came into Alanon. Everyone is just so awesome! I ope you keep coming back and maybe check out some face to face meetings in your area?
Hugs!
Bo said
Jun 20, 2018
I can't tell you how many times I was faced with this. Rather than talk about my pre-recovery days, where I did everything humanly possible that was unhealthy and crazy, LOL; I'll spend my time focusing on when I found recovery and started to live a healthy life, a happy life.
So, what did I do? Nothing. Nothing at all. I watched, observed, waited, and that's it. Other than that, I did nothing. When it became apparent and obvious she was drinking, I still, again, did nothing. All this meat to me was that I had to think about what I wanted to do, for me. I had to think about what was best and healthiest for me -- what did I want to do, for me, about me, what was next for me. I never had any discussion with her about her drinking. I knew she was drinking, and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to live like that. In time, I had a discussion with her and let her know the decision I made about how I wanted to live, our marriage, and what decision I made about where I was going to live. That was it.
kakr444 said
Jun 20, 2018
Wow, you sound like a really strong person. I hope I get there one day. I will try to follow your lead but again, it's not easy. But totally makes sense to me.
Bo said
Jun 20, 2018
kakr444 wrote:
Wow, you sound like a really strong person. I hope I get there one day. I will try to follow your lead but again, it's not easy. But totally makes sense to me.
Strong? I don't know, maybe. I still had itches to say something. However, my intellect eventually won over -- that and many years of fighting a battle and war you just can't win -- and I realized, there is absolutely nothing that can be accomplished by saying something. Nothing positive that is. To what end? I asked myself that question hundreds of times. My sponsor asked me that question thousands of times.
Even if I was right...to what end? It accomplishes nothing. Now, anyone can convince themselves that it would accomplish something -- and that's why they do it! They justify saying something, they rationalize saying something, they vacillate saying something, they prove their point to themselves, and that gives them the permission they need to say something...and that, right there is part of OUR disease. That's why we are in alanon. Because we want what we want, we want to be right, we want to be heard, prove our point, and in some strange thought process...we think that is going to make us happy and that is going to get us what we want.
He will decide if he wants to drink. Not you. He will decide if he wants to get, stay clean and sober. Not you. It is up to him. Not you. Why try?
Jozie said
Jun 21, 2018
(((Kakr)))
So Glad your Here, and This is one of the Most Cunning & Baffling Diseases when it comes to Recovery that's for sure... But Like above, I had to make a Decision to Turn My Life & My Will over to HP and Trust that HP could handle what I Could not! To say its been easy I would be lying to myself and everyone else...
When we Love someone so Deeply, and Only want what is Best for them, sometimes it makes us feel like we should or Could have some sort of Control over them... Truth to the Matter is we Don't... I know for Me I Can Barely Control my Own Emotions and Life happenings, let alone taking on those of the Ones I love...
When I Lost my AFather to this Disease almost 10yrs ago, I had Begged, Pleaded, Prayed he would get Help... He was a Father of 5 that looked to him for Guidance and he couldn't get out of his Own Way, even tho I Knew in my Heart He Loved Me Like No One else, I still Couldn't get him Sober with my Love for him, No Matter How Hard I Tried... and the More I Pushed the More He Pulled away... It was Ugly for Everyone, and I had NO Al-Anon up till that Point, so I had No Tools, Only Raw Emotions that Just felt like I was Constantly being Stabbed by his Painful Disease that Riddled My Hole Family!
After He Past, I Found Al-Anon because I Thought I Could Save Another Member of My Family... HP got a Good Laugh at that too.. :) Turns Out Al-Anon, HP, and the Loving Peeps here at MIP Saved Me From Myself, That Person is still a Full Alcoholic without recovery, However, I Respect him and Love him Dearly... But I Don't any longer Push My Agenda Down his Throat, I Now Accept that he has his Own HP whether he Chooses to Accept it or Not, I Can Love him Thru it, but I Can't "Control it, Didn't Cause it, & I Can't Cure it"...
Keep Coming Back, Find a Face to Face Meeting in Your Area, Read the Books, the Shares... all of It because only then can we see How NOT ALONE we are in our Struggles, and What a Blessing to know the Support of Such amazing Strong Peeps all Striving for Progress Not Perfection...
Glad your Here, Please Take what you Like and Leave the rest :)
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
Mattie said
Jun 21, 2018
I think the question is: if you knew for sure that he was drinking, what would change? What would you do? I mean apart from confronting him, which we all know from experience doesn't change anything and just makes things more chaotic.
When I suspected my A was drinking again - after many relapses, rehabs, more relapses, etc. - I finally knew that if he was still drinking after all that, he wasn't going to stop, at least not any time in the foreseeable future, not on my timeline. And so in my case, I knew it was time to split up. I couldn't take the ongoing chaos with no end in sight. I suspected something was up, and when one day I found the stash of empties - among other calamities that happened that day - I realized what was up, and that was the last straw. So that's when we separated. He never did stop.
But of course leaving is not the choice for everyone. It could mean that you take care to have your own money in your own bank account so he can't spend it all in a drunken binge. It could mean that you don't let yourself or your children ride in a car with him, because he could be impaired. It could mean that you seek out other forms of support - Al-Anon, a therapist, reliable friends, or whatever. It could mean that you start looking for a job or for a better job. It could mean that you take care not to make longterm plans that rely on him being sober.
The "good" news is that when they're drinking, they can't hide it for very long. So if he has indeed relapsed, you'll know for sure. That's not great, but it's better than living in the land of suspicion and doubt.
My husband has been "sober" for 12 weeks after an in-patient rehab stay. We have a vacation home that has open bottles of liquor and he was adamant about leaving it there for other people (his counselor said it was up to him). However, I have twice seen the alcohol level decreasing in the bottle and of course when asked he denied drinking. I know I'm supposed to "let go" and am powerless, but do I just decide to accept what he says and wait and see what happens? I am not sure how I am supposed to handle this. Thanks for any advice.
I hope you will do for yourself and attend alanon if you are not already.
My experience taught me that I will know when I know instead of trying to catch my XAH in a lie. It just did more damage to our relationship because I always set the proverbial trap for him to fall into. Sorry to say it was so easy to do and he left himself wide open.
Honestly if you think he's drinking .. there's a good chance he probably is .. it is more helpful to get yourself healthy because living with active alcoholism creates the crazies and I really didn't enjoy that side of myself .. I was awful to be around .. in a lot of ways I empathize with my X's drinking .. he had an excuse for what he did .. my excuse was him and that wasn't really fair. It wasn't him .. it was me and my unhealthy responses to a situation as you stated that you are powerless over .. not helpless .. you always have choices .. I needed to be healthy so I could make better choices for myself.
Alanon gave me that peace to do so.
I just encourage you to keep coming back and seeking the answers for yourself.
Hugs S :)
Thank you for your reply. I do attend al-anon though probably not as regularly as I should. I will try to keep focusing on my own health and happiness. Definitely not easy though.
Serenity summed it up wonderfully. My own experience has been if I am watching, measuring, asking..........I am a mess of anxiety and all other emotions. It actually breeds fear for me. I didn't recognize this tho until I came into Alanon. Everyone is just so awesome! I ope you keep coming back and maybe check out some face to face meetings in your area?
Hugs!
So, what did I do? Nothing. Nothing at all. I watched, observed, waited, and that's it. Other than that, I did nothing. When it became apparent and obvious she was drinking, I still, again, did nothing. All this meat to me was that I had to think about what I wanted to do, for me. I had to think about what was best and healthiest for me -- what did I want to do, for me, about me, what was next for me. I never had any discussion with her about her drinking. I knew she was drinking, and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to live like that. In time, I had a discussion with her and let her know the decision I made about how I wanted to live, our marriage, and what decision I made about where I was going to live. That was it.
Wow, you sound like a really strong person. I hope I get there one day. I will try to follow your lead but again, it's not easy. But totally makes sense to me.
Strong? I don't know, maybe. I still had itches to say something. However, my intellect eventually won over -- that and many years of fighting a battle and war you just can't win -- and I realized, there is absolutely nothing that can be accomplished by saying something. Nothing positive that is. To what end? I asked myself that question hundreds of times. My sponsor asked me that question thousands of times.
Even if I was right...to what end? It accomplishes nothing. Now, anyone can convince themselves that it would accomplish something -- and that's why they do it! They justify saying something, they rationalize saying something, they vacillate saying something, they prove their point to themselves, and that gives them the permission they need to say something...and that, right there is part of OUR disease. That's why we are in alanon. Because we want what we want, we want to be right, we want to be heard, prove our point, and in some strange thought process...we think that is going to make us happy and that is going to get us what we want.
He will decide if he wants to drink. Not you. He will decide if he wants to get, stay clean and sober. Not you. It is up to him. Not you. Why try?
So Glad your Here, and This is one of the Most Cunning & Baffling Diseases when it comes to Recovery that's for sure... But Like above, I had to make a Decision to Turn My Life & My Will over to HP and Trust that HP could handle what I Could not! To say its been easy I would be lying to myself and everyone else...
When we Love someone so Deeply, and Only want what is Best for them, sometimes it makes us feel like we should or Could have some sort of Control over them... Truth to the Matter is we Don't... I know for Me I Can Barely Control my Own Emotions and Life happenings, let alone taking on those of the Ones I love...
When I Lost my AFather to this Disease almost 10yrs ago, I had Begged, Pleaded, Prayed he would get Help... He was a Father of 5 that looked to him for Guidance and he couldn't get out of his Own Way, even tho I Knew in my Heart He Loved Me Like No One else, I still Couldn't get him Sober with my Love for him, No Matter How Hard I Tried... and the More I Pushed the More He Pulled away... It was Ugly for Everyone, and I had NO Al-Anon up till that Point, so I had No Tools, Only Raw Emotions that Just felt like I was Constantly being Stabbed by his Painful Disease that Riddled My Hole Family!
After He Past, I Found Al-Anon because I Thought I Could Save Another Member of My Family... HP got a Good Laugh at that too.. :) Turns Out Al-Anon, HP, and the Loving Peeps here at MIP Saved Me From Myself, That Person is still a Full Alcoholic without recovery, However, I Respect him and Love him Dearly... But I Don't any longer Push My Agenda Down his Throat, I Now Accept that he has his Own HP whether he Chooses to Accept it or Not, I Can Love him Thru it, but I Can't "Control it, Didn't Cause it, & I Can't Cure it"...
Keep Coming Back, Find a Face to Face Meeting in Your Area, Read the Books, the Shares... all of It because only then can we see How NOT ALONE we are in our Struggles, and What a Blessing to know the Support of Such amazing Strong Peeps all Striving for Progress Not Perfection...
Glad your Here, Please Take what you Like and Leave the rest :)
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
I think the question is: if you knew for sure that he was drinking, what would change? What would you do? I mean apart from confronting him, which we all know from experience doesn't change anything and just makes things more chaotic.
When I suspected my A was drinking again - after many relapses, rehabs, more relapses, etc. - I finally knew that if he was still drinking after all that, he wasn't going to stop, at least not any time in the foreseeable future, not on my timeline. And so in my case, I knew it was time to split up. I couldn't take the ongoing chaos with no end in sight. I suspected something was up, and when one day I found the stash of empties - among other calamities that happened that day - I realized what was up, and that was the last straw. So that's when we separated. He never did stop.
But of course leaving is not the choice for everyone. It could mean that you take care to have your own money in your own bank account so he can't spend it all in a drunken binge. It could mean that you don't let yourself or your children ride in a car with him, because he could be impaired. It could mean that you seek out other forms of support - Al-Anon, a therapist, reliable friends, or whatever. It could mean that you start looking for a job or for a better job. It could mean that you take care not to make longterm plans that rely on him being sober.
The "good" news is that when they're drinking, they can't hide it for very long. So if he has indeed relapsed, you'll know for sure. That's not great, but it's better than living in the land of suspicion and doubt.
Take good care of yourself.