I just need some guidance and advice, maybe a little confirmation that Im not completely crazy. My husband of 13 years, has been being more distant the past month or so. He hangs around a group of guys who are 10 years younger than him(theyre in their 20s) and I barely spend any time with him any more, which in itself suspicious because we were best friends for all these years. Things just changed the past couple of months. He also admitted that he had a friend hes been texting for about 2 weeks. I contacted her and she told me that they were just friends but that he never told her that he was married, and that he made it seem like he was a single dad. I found the texts in his phone and there isnt anything very bad in them, just him being very nice to her and he had her in his phone under a guys name. Also, I found texts to one of his friends talking bout girls around them(a restaurant) that he wanted to sleep with, it sounded kind of like he was joking and it didnt say that he has slept with anyone, it was just very crude and hurtful to me. Im embarrassed and heart broken. When I try to talk to him, he gets angry and says hes not doing anything wrong and he doesnt want to talk about it. Ive never searched through his phone all these years until now btw. Ive trusted him with my whole heart all these years and the person hes become is like a stranger to me. When he mentioned the girl last week and told me that he was tired of me, thats when I checked his phone and I know it wasnt right but something just felt off
Bo said
Jun 15, 2018
So your question is "Am I crazy"...in my experience, having gone through very similar things...NO...you are not crazy at all...your thinking, concerns, and feelings are absolutely normal in my experience and opinion.
Jlsdoll85 said
Jun 15, 2018
Do you have any advice on how to move forward? Since he doesnt want to communicate, Ive just distanced myself and am just trying to get through the next few days. Im still in shock, everything I believed in seems like it was a lie. My whole world is falling apart. I guess theres no choice but to start thinking of separation, theres no trust, no communication. Its my only option Thank you for your kindness
SerenityRUS said
Jun 15, 2018
J,
Big hugs .. that kind of betrayal hurts big time.
I remember when my XAH started doing this behavior and I questioned it. I started to feel like I was reading more into than I was and so on.
One thing that the program here has given me if it walks like a duck .. talks like a duck .. you are probably dealing with a duck. IF you have open communication which I did not with my X because of the addiction and there were other issues happening I really encourage you to talk to him however this is a situation where you have to decide what is and is not ok for you. With my X it wasn't the drinking that made me leave it was the cheating and all that went with it. I do not believe anyone has the right to put my sexual health at risk and it happens far to often that there are STD's brought back home to the non cheating spouse.
The other thing this program has given me is the ability to trust I will know when I need to know and to stop creating my own pain by snooping .. here's the issue with snooping .. now you know or you think you do .. you are going to have a conversation with your spouse about it or have and now what .. I feel like I was put in a position of having to make a decision with the current information because now what .. allow the cheating to go on in terms of no trust. When I decided to leave it was literally all left up on the computer and it still hurt and I felt stupid and so on .. however I was better able to know what I wanted and what I didn't although I was a hot mess for a while after that. Looking back now .. any sooner and I wouldn't have been ready and when I found out I didn't "feel" ready .. really I was.
Only you can decide what you want and you are not going to stop him from cheating .. that's that whole I am powerless over others .. not helpless .. I always have my own choices I can make .. the cheating was not about me .. it was about him and what he was going through. I know couples who have survived these kinds of transgressions .. I had so much water under the proverbial bridge I was very honestly done and I wasn't willing to risk something that couldn't be cured with antibiotics when I had children to continue to raise and he was not giving up his bachelor married lifestyle.
This would be a big breech of trust for me to find something like that on my partners phone and I would really be in a position of this is so not ok .. that's because of my circumstances of life lessons and where I am today .. you may have a different journey.
I do encourage you to listen to what your spouse is saying and believe him based upon what he's telling you now .. "he's tired of me" that's a big clue of being emotionally checked out of a relationship and I don't know how to get that part back .. I do know my XAH told me over and over things I should have listened to and I did a big disservice to us both by not paying attention.
Big hugs, S :)
Jlsdoll85 said
Jun 15, 2018
Thank you so much for your kindness. I have so much to think about now. It felt good to let it all out here, I have no one in real life to talk too
sakina said
Jun 15, 2018
((hugs)) I have been there, too. I've decided to trust my gut because while it may feel momentarily satisfactory to find "evidence" (I'm not crazy after all) it's also incredibly draining to snoop around after AH wondering about his phone, email, whereabouts. I can't control his choices. But in every situation I have a choice, too. I can make a decision what I will or won't accept. What I will or won't live with. I've also realized that MY choices can be made in my own time, in my own way. I don't have to make a Big Decision today, right now. In the meantime, no matter what, I try my best to take care of myself. To eat well, sleep well, use tools to de-stress, and enjoy one small thing each day just for me. Often this is harder than it sounds but I'm getting the hang of it, slowly, a little at a time.
-- Edited by sakina on Friday 15th of June 2018 01:42:46 PM
Jlsdoll85 said
Jun 15, 2018
Thanks for the wonderful advice. I havent been eating and barely sleeping, I need to remember my self worth and try not to blame myself. Ill do my best to take care of myself and thank you all again. I hope we all find positivity and happiness in our everyday lives in spite of what our spouses/ex-spouses have put us through
hotrod said
Jun 15, 2018
(((Jlsdoll)) you are not crazy . I do hear your pain and am so very sorry that you are enduring this without proper support I urge you to search out alanon face to face metings in your community and attend Here you will find the support of like mineed members and be given new tools to live by and new literature to reaffirm your principles.
a4l said
Jun 16, 2018
Glad you're here and keep coming back. Many times and over similiar events did I also question my sanity. You are not crazy, and those are awfully disrespectful things to endure. I found strength right here on these boards to begin with. Sending you lots of warm and supportive thoughts.
Jayla said
Jun 16, 2018
YOUāRE NOT CRAZY!!! Heās up to no good or about to be. Those are all huge warning signs especially this āfriendā who he didnāt tell he was married and put her into his phone under a guys name. That shows his intent to deceive you. If they were really ājust friendsā he would have told her he was married and put her in his phone under her real name and maybe even hung out with you and her together. I just caught my husband cheating last year so this is all really fresh to me. He always told me I was crazy with jealousy, he wasnāt doing anything wrong until the day I busted him at her house. Even then he continued to try to lie to me for another month about it!! But I was done believing him. But what it boils down to is I knew he was cheating, my gut instinct was RIGHT. I was NOT CRAZY and Iām willing to bet neither are you. The hard part comes next. What do you do for you? What is the next right step for you? No one but you can decide that. And you donāt have to decide it all in one day. Take what time you need to think and process emotions. Keep coming back. (((Hugs)))
Lyne said
Jun 17, 2018
Greetings and welcome. I lived through a situation like your's for 12 years, until I couldn't take the pain anymore and came to Alanon. My A told me I was crazy right to my face. The lying, sneaking around, being in love with someone else, wreaked havoc on my confidence and self-esteem. Alanon gave me back a life. I learned that I could not control the alcoholic's behavior, but I have been learning how to control mine. Keep coming back. Healing and happiness is available , Lyne
Bo said
Jun 17, 2018
Jlsdoll85 wrote:
I just need some guidance and advice, maybe a little confirmation that Im not completely crazy. My husband of 13 years, has been being more distant the past month or so. He hangs around a group of guys who are 10 years younger than him(theyre in their 20s) and I barely spend any time with him any more, which in itself suspicious because we were best friends for all these years. Things just changed the past couple of months. He also admitted that he had a friend hes been texting for about 2 weeks. I contacted her and she told me that they were just friends but that he never told her that he was married, and that he made it seem like he was a single dad. I found the texts in his phone and there isnt anything very bad in them, just him being very nice to her and he had her in his phone under a guys name. Also, I found texts to one of his friends talking bout girls around them(a restaurant) that he wanted to sleep with, it sounded kind of like he was joking and it didnt say that he has slept with anyone, it was just very crude and hurtful to me. Im embarrassed and heart broken. When I try to talk to him, he gets angry and says hes not doing anything wrong and he doesnt want to talk about it. Ive never searched through his phone all these years until now btw. Ive trusted him with my whole heart all these years and the person hes become is like a stranger to me. When he mentioned the girl last week and told me that he was tired of me, thats when I checked his phone and I know it wasnt right but something just felt off
Let's just look at the facts here -- no opinion, no excuses, no stories, etc.
1) He has a "friend" -- of the opposite sex
2) He never told her that he was married
3) He made it seem like he was a single dad
4) He had her listed in his phone under a completely different, guy's/male, name
5) He discusses with his friends women/girls that he wants/wanted to sleep with (even if somewhat jokingly)
I'll end there.
And...your question is...are you crazy? NO!!! How about this...are you the crazy one? NO!!! He is!!!
If you were my daughter...I'd have a very serious discussion with him...and believe me, he would never forget it...and I'd be telling you to pack your bags and leave. In part, because...Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I wish you all the best.
Jerry F said
Jun 17, 2018
Doll for me I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of trying to figure out what was going on with my alcoholic/addict wife and family and friends...I stopped being oppositional defiant by not listening and trying to figure it all out on my own. I didn't even know what the problem was much else like where to find the answers. The answers came from within the fellowship from others who had been where I had been and who had solutions that worked for them and then worked for me as I sat and listened and learned. I couldn't even spell alcoholism when I finally gave up trying to figure it all out on my own.
Yes I did come to admit I had gone crazy and the steps of the program gave me understanding from the very first step and then promised me sanity by the end of the second. I keep coming back on a daily basis and I keep practicing the program that way also.
Yes we all reach insanity at one level or another as insanity is one of the symptoms of this mind and mood altering chemical addiction disease and its victims. Now you know it and now you can keep coming back for help. (((((hugs)))))
I just need some guidance and advice, maybe a little confirmation that Im not completely crazy. My husband of 13 years, has been being more distant the past month or so. He hangs around a group of guys who are 10 years younger than him(theyre in their 20s) and I barely spend any time with him any more, which in itself suspicious because we were best friends for all these years. Things just changed the past couple of months. He also admitted that he had a friend hes been texting for about 2 weeks. I contacted her and she told me that they were just friends but that he never told her that he was married, and that he made it seem like he was a single dad. I found the texts in his phone and there isnt anything very bad in them, just him being very nice to her and he had her in his phone under a guys name. Also, I found texts to one of his friends talking bout girls around them(a restaurant) that he wanted to sleep with, it sounded kind of like he was joking and it didnt say that he has slept with anyone, it was just very crude and hurtful to me. Im embarrassed and heart broken. When I try to talk to him, he gets angry and says hes not doing anything wrong and he doesnt want to talk about it. Ive never searched through his phone all these years until now btw. Ive trusted him with my whole heart all these years and the person hes become is like a stranger to me. When he mentioned the girl last week and told me that he was tired of me, thats when I checked his phone and I know it wasnt right but something just felt off
Do you have any advice on how to move forward? Since he doesnt want to communicate, Ive just distanced myself and am just trying to get through the next few days. Im still in shock, everything I believed in seems like it was a lie. My whole world is falling apart. I guess theres no choice but to start thinking of separation, theres no trust, no communication. Its my only option Thank you for your kindness
Big hugs .. that kind of betrayal hurts big time.
I remember when my XAH started doing this behavior and I questioned it. I started to feel like I was reading more into than I was and so on.
One thing that the program here has given me if it walks like a duck .. talks like a duck .. you are probably dealing with a duck. IF you have open communication which I did not with my X because of the addiction and there were other issues happening I really encourage you to talk to him however this is a situation where you have to decide what is and is not ok for you. With my X it wasn't the drinking that made me leave it was the cheating and all that went with it. I do not believe anyone has the right to put my sexual health at risk and it happens far to often that there are STD's brought back home to the non cheating spouse.
The other thing this program has given me is the ability to trust I will know when I need to know and to stop creating my own pain by snooping .. here's the issue with snooping .. now you know or you think you do .. you are going to have a conversation with your spouse about it or have and now what .. I feel like I was put in a position of having to make a decision with the current information because now what .. allow the cheating to go on in terms of no trust. When I decided to leave it was literally all left up on the computer and it still hurt and I felt stupid and so on .. however I was better able to know what I wanted and what I didn't although I was a hot mess for a while after that. Looking back now .. any sooner and I wouldn't have been ready and when I found out I didn't "feel" ready .. really I was.
Only you can decide what you want and you are not going to stop him from cheating .. that's that whole I am powerless over others .. not helpless .. I always have my own choices I can make .. the cheating was not about me .. it was about him and what he was going through. I know couples who have survived these kinds of transgressions .. I had so much water under the proverbial bridge I was very honestly done and I wasn't willing to risk something that couldn't be cured with antibiotics when I had children to continue to raise and he was not giving up his bachelor married lifestyle.
This would be a big breech of trust for me to find something like that on my partners phone and I would really be in a position of this is so not ok .. that's because of my circumstances of life lessons and where I am today .. you may have a different journey.
I do encourage you to listen to what your spouse is saying and believe him based upon what he's telling you now .. "he's tired of me" that's a big clue of being emotionally checked out of a relationship and I don't know how to get that part back .. I do know my XAH told me over and over things I should have listened to and I did a big disservice to us both by not paying attention.
Big hugs, S :)
Thank you so much for your kindness. I have so much to think about now. It felt good to let it all out here, I have no one in real life to talk too
((hugs)) I have been there, too. I've decided to trust my gut because while it may feel momentarily satisfactory to find "evidence" (I'm not crazy after all) it's also incredibly draining to snoop around after AH wondering about his phone, email, whereabouts. I can't control his choices. But in every situation I have a choice, too. I can make a decision what I will or won't accept. What I will or won't live with.
I've also realized that MY choices can be made in my own time, in my own way. I don't have to make a Big Decision today, right now.
In the meantime, no matter what, I try my best to take care of myself. To eat well, sleep well, use tools to de-stress, and enjoy one small thing each day just for me. Often this is harder than it sounds but I'm getting the hang of it, slowly, a little at a time.
-- Edited by sakina on Friday 15th of June 2018 01:42:46 PM
Thanks for the wonderful advice. I havent been eating and barely sleeping, I need to remember my self worth and try not to blame myself. Ill do my best to take care of myself and thank you all again. I hope we all find positivity and happiness in our everyday lives in spite of what our spouses/ex-spouses have put us through
Let's just look at the facts here -- no opinion, no excuses, no stories, etc.
1) He has a "friend" -- of the opposite sex
2) He never told her that he was married
3) He made it seem like he was a single dad
4) He had her listed in his phone under a completely different, guy's/male, name
5) He discusses with his friends women/girls that he wants/wanted to sleep with (even if somewhat jokingly)
I'll end there.
And...your question is...are you crazy? NO!!! How about this...are you the crazy one? NO!!! He is!!!
If you were my daughter...I'd have a very serious discussion with him...and believe me, he would never forget it...and I'd be telling you to pack your bags and leave. In part, because...Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I wish you all the best.
Doll for me I got sick and tired of being sick and tired of trying to figure out what was going on with my alcoholic/addict wife and family and friends...I stopped being oppositional defiant by not listening and trying to figure it all out on my own. I didn't even know what the problem was much else like where to find the answers. The answers came from within the fellowship from others who had been where I had been and who had solutions that worked for them and then worked for me as I sat and listened and learned. I couldn't even spell alcoholism when I finally gave up trying to figure it all out on my own.
Yes I did come to admit I had gone crazy and the steps of the program gave me understanding from the very first step and then promised me sanity by the end of the second. I keep coming back on a daily basis and I keep practicing the program that way also.
Yes we all reach insanity at one level or another as insanity is one of the symptoms of this mind and mood altering chemical addiction disease and its victims. Now you know it and now you can keep coming back for help. (((((hugs)))))