Hello everyone, please give me some advice on how to proceed in the following situation. My husband has had addictions for many years (drugs in the past, and alcohol/gambling the last few years). As a result of the lying/drinking/gambling, we have not had a good relationship the last few years. Most of the time we just donât talk, and when we make up, he just gets drunk again to where he just wonât come home and spend the night wherever he was drinking (typically at one of his friends house where the drinking took place). Drinking always leads to him going to the casino and gambling away any money he has at the moment (from hundreds to more than a thousand at times). He would come home the next morning and just be rude, make comments about things like âthere is nothing to eatâ, etc. I work and we have 4 children. He also works but due to the heavy and frequent drinking, he has called in to work and would sometimes miss work. It got to the point about 5-6 weeks ago that he was binge drinking for 3 days in a row (not at home), and he was saying things about suicide. His sister encouraged him to go to a Russian speaking Christian rehab. He agreed. A few days later he went to rehab. He stayed there for 4 weeks. Then he came back home, talking as a changed person. Two days later he again got drunk at the same friends house and didnât come home, went to the casino and lost $400 which is all the money he had that day. The next morning he apologized and told me he just wanted to see if he is able to drink just a beer or two and stop but realized he cannot stop. We prayed and I forgave him. Just a few days later (2 or 3), he again got very drunk at that friends house that he didnât come home. I lost hope for him ever stopping the drinking. Yesterday he had an appt and his doctor gave him a prescription (which he hasnât filled yet) for pills that help to reduce alcohol cravings etc. so when he got drunk this last time, he was calling me saying things like âtomorrow I will take a pill and wonât drinkâ. I am just so tired of the endless empty promises/lies. We are back to sleeping in different rooms. I have anxiety as a result of this.
I just donât know what am I supposed to do? Do I keep living like this waiting for god to change him, as his sisters keep telling me? One of them told me to forgive and it will be easier for me. I donât feel like I can just ignore this behavior time after time. I have no trust in that he wonât get drunk the next day or any day.
I am devastated because he already went to rehab and its still happening! He says he wonât go back to rehab.
Update: a few days after I wrote this post he was involved in a hit and run accident while very drunk (late at night), I donât know exactly what happened but someone hit him (likely due to him cutting them off), and he came outside, made sure his truck has no damage (it was minor), and left. The 4 guys who were in the other car started yelling âwhere are you going?â And he just said home and left. He came home, I was asleep. Turns out two police officers came to our house (the people in the other car got his license plate number and reported it to the police). The police asked him if he was out driving, etc. I believe they also questioned the drinking. He wasnât arrested nor was he given any paperwork. Anyhow, he hasnât been home for 3 days now (likely binge drinking at someoneâs house). I am trying to detach and live my life with the kids. I hope he goes to jail though. Not even sure how that all works since he wasnât given a citation or anything.
What do I do? I know I canât live like this anymore. My oldest son is 16. He also wants him to go to jail. Let him face natural consequences. No rescuing.
Jerry F said
Jun 11, 2018
Aloha Sister and welcome to the board and MIP Family. We don't actually give advise. We share with you what it was like for us during the insanity of alcoholism and what we learned and did; our experiences now.
It does sound like you are in the progression of the disease of alcoholism which cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence which is not what he is doing now. The disease is progressing for you both. Understand he is not a bad person and is suffering from the disease (actually listed with the AMA as a disease) of addiction to alcohol and it sounds like he is moving toward end stage. Alcoholism if not totally arrested quite often is fatal for those affected.
I was born and raised in the disease on both sides of my family and I was a compulsive drinker outside of the program. I married the women I drank with so my own family life was a shambles too. Again this disease is not curable. I had to be led to a different way of understanding and living and I found that in the Al-Anon Family Groups...I am also a member of AA. I learned in Al-Anon that I didn't cause this disease, Cannot control it and Cannot Cure it. I needed a new and different way of living. The Al-Anon Family Groups are all over this world and gather daily to help each other to understand the need of change. There are two meetings daily on this board which you can sit in on and read and share. You can only change yourself and you are responsible for that only.
We have come to understand that we are powerless over the disease and the alcoholic and that there is a power greater than ourselves who we can join with to help us arrive at sanity and serenity whether the alcoholic and or addict continues to drink or not.
I would suggest that you look for (in the white pages of your local telephone book) for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that number to find out where and when the groups meet in your area. You will be glad you did...and keep coming back here also for continuous support. Prayers and support for you and your alcoholic and family. (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Jun 11, 2018
Welcome to MIP Heythere! Glad you found us and glad that you joined in. I also would suggest seeking out and attending Al-Anon to get support and ESH from others locally who understand how this disease affects families and how they were able to work on recovery for a better way.
I too have this disease all around me. I am 5th generation and my sons are 6th. It does not discriminate and it's progressive, baffling, powerful and deadly. It's considered a family disease as usually everyone is affected by the disease. Our thinking gets distorted and often we find ourselves doing things we really have no interest in and accepting things that we normally would not - simply because it's less tiring that dealing with the insanity of the disease.
Recovery gave me back me in more ways that I can put into words. It's been a game changer and I've found my journey manageable and the disease is still all around me. I hope you keep coming back - there is hope/help in recovery.
Jozie said
Jun 15, 2018
(((Heythere)))
So Glad you are Here, and I Hope you Continue to Return...
I Sure can relate to a lot of what you are Speaking of, and Like Mentioned above, Finding a Face to Face meeting in my Area was a True Blessings, Just Knowing that I am NOT Alone was Huge for Me & My Recovery... I Lived in a world where I believed No One could Understand the Insanity I was Facing on a Daily basis, but what a Blessing to have a Place like Al-Anon to go too... It Truly Saved Me from Myself and Helped me be a Better "Unstressed" Mother for my Son... Which he So Deserved...
I too Came from a Long Line of Alcoholics/Drug Addicts/ and Gambling Addicts... My Gram is 93 and if you take her to Casino till this Day she will blow every penny she has and ask for more... I Lost my Dad to Alcoholism in 2008 and that is what Brought me Here... I was Going to "Save" my baby Brother from my Dad's Fate! lol Funny How God had Better Plans for Me ;)
I Hope you Locate a Meeting in your Area, and I Hope you Continue to Come here, Read others messages & Experience Strength & Hope and I Hope your Healing can begin for you :) Any Meeting is a Good Meeting whether on-line or Face to Face... All Bring Healing
So Glad your Here... Keep Coming Back...
Be Blessed
Jozie :)
hotrod said
Jun 15, 2018
Welcome HeyThere please do search out alanon meetings and attend You are not alone .
Aloha Sister and welcome to the board and MIP Family. We don't actually give advise. We share with you what it was like for us during the insanity of alcoholism and what we learned and did; our experiences now.
It does sound like you are in the progression of the disease of alcoholism which cannot be cured only arrested by total abstinence which is not what he is doing now. The disease is progressing for you both. Understand he is not a bad person and is suffering from the disease (actually listed with the AMA as a disease) of addiction to alcohol and it sounds like he is moving toward end stage. Alcoholism if not totally arrested quite often is fatal for those affected.
I was born and raised in the disease on both sides of my family and I was a compulsive drinker outside of the program. I married the women I drank with so my own family life was a shambles too. Again this disease is not curable. I had to be led to a different way of understanding and living and I found that in the Al-Anon Family Groups...I am also a member of AA. I learned in Al-Anon that I didn't cause this disease, Cannot control it and Cannot Cure it. I needed a new and different way of living. The Al-Anon Family Groups are all over this world and gather daily to help each other to understand the need of change. There are two meetings daily on this board which you can sit in on and read and share. You can only change yourself and you are responsible for that only.
We have come to understand that we are powerless over the disease and the alcoholic and that there is a power greater than ourselves who we can join with to help us arrive at sanity and serenity whether the alcoholic and or addict continues to drink or not.
I would suggest that you look for (in the white pages of your local telephone book) for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that number to find out where and when the groups meet in your area. You will be glad you did...and keep coming back here also for continuous support. Prayers and support for you and your alcoholic and family. (((((hugs)))))
I too have this disease all around me. I am 5th generation and my sons are 6th. It does not discriminate and it's progressive, baffling, powerful and deadly. It's considered a family disease as usually everyone is affected by the disease. Our thinking gets distorted and often we find ourselves doing things we really have no interest in and accepting things that we normally would not - simply because it's less tiring that dealing with the insanity of the disease.
Recovery gave me back me in more ways that I can put into words. It's been a game changer and I've found my journey manageable and the disease is still all around me. I hope you keep coming back - there is hope/help in recovery.
So Glad you are Here, and I Hope you Continue to Return...
I Sure can relate to a lot of what you are Speaking of, and Like Mentioned above, Finding a Face to Face meeting in my Area was a True Blessings, Just Knowing that I am NOT Alone was Huge for Me & My Recovery... I Lived in a world where I believed No One could Understand the Insanity I was Facing on a Daily basis, but what a Blessing to have a Place like Al-Anon to go too... It Truly Saved Me from Myself and Helped me be a Better "Unstressed" Mother for my Son... Which he So Deserved...
I too Came from a Long Line of Alcoholics/Drug Addicts/ and Gambling Addicts... My Gram is 93 and if you take her to Casino till this Day she will blow every penny she has and ask for more... I Lost my Dad to Alcoholism in 2008 and that is what Brought me Here... I was Going to "Save" my baby Brother from my Dad's Fate! lol Funny How God had Better Plans for Me ;)
I Hope you Locate a Meeting in your Area, and I Hope you Continue to Come here, Read others messages & Experience Strength & Hope and I Hope your Healing can begin for you :) Any Meeting is a Good Meeting whether on-line or Face to Face... All Bring Healing
So Glad your Here... Keep Coming Back...
Be Blessed
Jozie :)