Yesterday, my schedule, our Kid's and the STBXRAH's schedules all coalesced... finally! So my RAH picked up sandwiches, and I brought the blanket, Kid and dog. This was his first visit with the dog. Not that I am withholding visitation, just that I am not comfortable having him over to my new home, and my sweet pooch can no longer walk well due to Degenerative Myelitis in her hind end. We have tried to have this meet-up four different times before... each time something gets in the way.
My pooch was happy to see him, although not crazy ecstatic like I thought she would be. We had a relaxing lunch, he got to cuddle with the dog and talk to Kid about this last week (it's been a busy one for Kid - lots of events related to graduation). STBXRAH did question me a lot about the dog's condition, but I felt it was just in a "informative" way. So I told him that she is rarely in pain, but as he could see how difficult it was walking her - I had bought a sling, but she is almost ready for a doggie "wheelchair." I told him I do everything that I possibly can for her... outlining how much it costs me for her medications etc. each month. Perhaps at times it sounded like I might be JADE'ing, but with my tone and his tone of voice, I felt it was just being matter of fact about things he just couldn't possibly know about, and I felt he needed to understand just how much it costs me. So I am fine with it. He also asked about the two cats, and I answered, but I could tell from his voice and the fact that he dropped it, that he has accepted that not seeing them is just one of the consequences of his drinking (They cannot leave the house without stressing them out big time).
He told me that his sponsor wants him to seriously think about taking one of his old jobs being offered to him. His sponsor does not want him to become "institutionalized." He shared with me that although being a counselor intern at his facility is nice, he is beginning to build resentments b/c so many there are just there for the wrong reasons and don't hold up their share of responsibilities. I told him his counselor sounds like a wise person. It felt good to be able to say that statement without feeling the need to interject my feelings, or the need for me to "fix" it, or take on the emotions of that situation myself. Progress for me that I could actually see and identify in the moment!
It is amazing how much more his mind has healed even from the last time I spent time with my RAH!! If he could see videos of himself then (November 2017) compared to now, he would be shocked I think!
For me, I am proud of myself for being able to applaud his success without having resentments... I mean, I would never resent him getting off the addiction crazy train and looking and feeling healthier, but in comparison, I have been living with huge amounts of stress - both emotional, financial and living stresses - and it shows. I am heavier than I have ever been. I am trying to be kind to myself, and in many ways I have been. Now that my schooling has ended and I am now actively trying to land a job in that field, I can insert some exercise into my day.
The other good news is that my final paperwork for the divorce was sent to me for review... there were some informational errors that will need to be corrected, but I should be signing them soon. Then I will have to have the meet-up where I get my RAH to sign them. He said he would... this is uncontested, but I am not looking forward to that! ODAT, PNP, ODAT!
June Gloom has left SoCAl... so back to hot temps! Today should be fun... multiple grad parties to attend!
Wishing you all Peace, today!
Iamhere said
Jun 10, 2018
You sound good PnP - be proud of self and son and where you are today! Your hard work with recovery is paying off and the promises are shining thru even if you don't see/realize it! Glad you all got together and it was good! (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Jun 10, 2018
Congrats PNP :)
Yes on all of this .. be good to you .. it is the smallest steps that are the hardest .. it's funny when I read your statements about living with a huge amount of stress the whole gamut and the irony for me is I will take all of that over living with the stress of an active drinker any day of the week. Yes .. I'm heavier .. and sometimes the financial and emotional stress can be crushing .. let's be real .. however .. I still laugh more .. I live more and I find joy and comfort in the smallest moments vs being constantly obsessed over another person .. Good on you and YES .. be very gentle with yourself this is all big stuff sis .. moving forward is not easy .. it's all in HP's hands.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 11, 2018
Thanks, IAH & Serenity!
Yes, I agree with you, Serenity. The good that I feel each and every day... in me, my Kid, my home... all that is possible because I no longer live with addiction!
Now, all the good I see coming from me, that is because I continue to work this program. I had my "set ways" of dealing, coping. Most were detrimental to me... some I now see were detrimental to my AH! I continue to learn new, healthier ways to cope.
Yesterday, my schedule, our Kid's and the STBXRAH's schedules all coalesced... finally! So my RAH picked up sandwiches, and I brought the blanket, Kid and dog. This was his first visit with the dog. Not that I am withholding visitation, just that I am not comfortable having him over to my new home, and my sweet pooch can no longer walk well due to Degenerative Myelitis in her hind end. We have tried to have this meet-up four different times before... each time something gets in the way.
My pooch was happy to see him, although not crazy ecstatic like I thought she would be. We had a relaxing lunch, he got to cuddle with the dog and talk to Kid about this last week (it's been a busy one for Kid - lots of events related to graduation). STBXRAH did question me a lot about the dog's condition, but I felt it was just in a "informative" way. So I told him that she is rarely in pain, but as he could see how difficult it was walking her - I had bought a sling, but she is almost ready for a doggie "wheelchair." I told him I do everything that I possibly can for her... outlining how much it costs me for her medications etc. each month. Perhaps at times it sounded like I might be JADE'ing, but with my tone and his tone of voice, I felt it was just being matter of fact about things he just couldn't possibly know about, and I felt he needed to understand just how much it costs me. So I am fine with it. He also asked about the two cats, and I answered, but I could tell from his voice and the fact that he dropped it, that he has accepted that not seeing them is just one of the consequences of his drinking (They cannot leave the house without stressing them out big time).
He told me that his sponsor wants him to seriously think about taking one of his old jobs being offered to him. His sponsor does not want him to become "institutionalized." He shared with me that although being a counselor intern at his facility is nice, he is beginning to build resentments b/c so many there are just there for the wrong reasons and don't hold up their share of responsibilities. I told him his counselor sounds like a wise person. It felt good to be able to say that statement without feeling the need to interject my feelings, or the need for me to "fix" it, or take on the emotions of that situation myself. Progress for me that I could actually see and identify in the moment!
It is amazing how much more his mind has healed even from the last time I spent time with my RAH!! If he could see videos of himself then (November 2017) compared to now, he would be shocked I think!
For me, I am proud of myself for being able to applaud his success without having resentments... I mean, I would never resent him getting off the addiction crazy train and looking and feeling healthier, but in comparison, I have been living with huge amounts of stress - both emotional, financial and living stresses - and it shows. I am heavier than I have ever been. I am trying to be kind to myself, and in many ways I have been. Now that my schooling has ended and I am now actively trying to land a job in that field, I can insert some exercise into my day.
The other good news is that my final paperwork for the divorce was sent to me for review... there were some informational errors that will need to be corrected, but I should be signing them soon. Then I will have to have the meet-up where I get my RAH to sign them. He said he would... this is uncontested, but I am not looking forward to that! ODAT, PNP, ODAT!
June Gloom has left SoCAl... so back to hot temps! Today should be fun... multiple grad parties to attend!
Wishing you all Peace, today!
Yes on all of this .. be good to you .. it is the smallest steps that are the hardest .. it's funny when I read your statements about living with a huge amount of stress the whole gamut and the irony for me is I will take all of that over living with the stress of an active drinker any day of the week. Yes .. I'm heavier .. and sometimes the financial and emotional stress can be crushing .. let's be real .. however .. I still laugh more .. I live more and I find joy and comfort in the smallest moments vs being constantly obsessed over another person .. Good on you and YES .. be very gentle with yourself this is all big stuff sis .. moving forward is not easy .. it's all in HP's hands.
Hugs S :)
Yes, I agree with you, Serenity. The good that I feel each and every day... in me, my Kid, my home... all that is possible because I no longer live with addiction!
Now, all the good I see coming from me, that is because I continue to work this program. I had my "set ways" of dealing, coping. Most were detrimental to me... some I now see were detrimental to my AH! I continue to learn new, healthier ways to cope.