I was able to finally get some sleep, of course after I yelled and cried a lot which has no effect on my AH. He slept on the couch and acts like he is not at all bothered by anything and that hurts even more. He woke me up this morning saying he was going to the bank to make things right and that he thought I should get up and go with him to file for a divorce. I told him to leave me alone and he could go file for himself and I won't contest it. 4-5 days sober is not enough time yet for him to be making an rational decision or have a conversation with me. I was so upset yesterday when I picked him up from detox and he just kept saying "I don't want to fight." I wasn't fighting I was crying and telling him I wasn't comfortable with him in the home and he needs to find somewhere else to be and I am so disappointed that he won't go to inpatient, but I was the crazy one and I should just file for divorce. No remorse at all about the hurtful things said or done over the last few days, but what is new he is never sorry.
I am going to go to a f2f meeting tonight. I need to make some connections and get a sponsor. I am also considering a counselor through employee assistance for my son and I. My older grown children are offering as much help as they can and I have this inner peace that I can come through here and be ok somehow. Right now the AH is still gone from this morning so I am feeling peaceful, but I got to hold on tighter to my HP and the resources that I truly do have available to me. I don't have to stay here stuck, I do deserve better and I cannot control, cure or change my AH or his alcoholism.
Thank you all for your support. I plan to stay connected this time to all of you because coming on here helps.
Kat
Freetime said
Jun 7, 2018
Hi Mamakat, I'm sorry about the chaos you are going through, but glad to hear you are reaching out for various types of support. That was the key for me. I also used the Employee Assistance Program at my work to get a therapist, and that was very helpful.
You said it -- you do deserve better and don't have to stay stuck! Best wishes, and keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Jun 7, 2018
Totally agree with Freetime - reaching out for help - any/all help is a lovely way to start. I hope the meeting is awesome and glad to hear you are coming back.....and yes - you are worth it!! (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Jun 7, 2018
You sound good, and are saying all the right things. You have a healthy, quality, good perspective and outlook. Everyone here is here for you and supports you. And so are the people in the face to face alanon meeting rooms that you are going to. Keep going. Keep doing it. Keep it up. Keep moving forward. Keep going forward.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 8, 2018
Hugs Mkat,
I am so sorry that this is what it came down to however not sorry you are here. Sounds like you have a great plan and I am in FULL agreement .. EAP was the way to go and I backed it up with Alanon .. the changes and healing I went through at that time come around again and again .. so keep up doing you.
Sometimes an adult tantrum is required to stand back up and do the next right thing .. the good news is they come less frequently because being heard is not as difficult.
Hugs S :)
mamakat71 said
Jun 8, 2018
Thank you everyone. The meeting was incredible and they focused the entire meeting on being a newcomer and what to expect. This made me feel so special. I am still scared as to how things are going to turn out and I am upset that I am still consumed with what the AH is going to do. This has been my way of thinking for so long and I have to be gentle with myself and work the program. I am taking this one day at a time.
Bo said
Jun 9, 2018
Sounds like an amazing meeting. I always say at beginners' meetings -- the newcomer/beginner is the most important person in the room!
It is very normal to be so immersed in the alcoholic, so focused on them, obsessed with them...and we lose sight of ourselves, we lose our individuality. Don't beat yourself up. Yes, be gentle with yourself. It is time to focus on you, not be critical of and hard on yourself. It is very common and you have gotten over a major hurdle in that you have awareness. You know it. This is a very good thing. Change, small, little successes of focusing on you, and not him, will come...little by slowly. Yes, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. Whatever it is, take it, embrace it...because it's progress...little by slowly.
Focus on the next thing in front of you...what is the next thing in front of you, for you. You are facing the right direction...no matter how slow you move, or how small a step you take...it is still in the right direction.
Iamhere said
Jun 9, 2018
Kat - I can so relate to the hyper focused on the A. I too felt great in meetings and after, but really had a ton of fear/anxiety as far as the house/home/family the other 23 hours in the day. It was suggested to me that self-care didn't have to be complicated and doing anything different was a good thing. Suggestions - music, reading, taking walks, gym, naps, pedicure, manicure, etc.
I became a gym rat and took many, many long walks with ear buds and my dog. When I felt tense, pressure, uncomfortable, etc. I grabbed my phone, the leash and the dog and took off. Often I would call a program person or sponsor just so I would not 'verbally vomit' at the house. I stopped offering suggestions, opinions, etc. and began waiting for others to find me for discussions. I resigned from the house manager job, and decided to just manage me, one day at a time.
So - find things you enjoy and embrace them as part of your recovery. Many of my program friends have very specific daily routines that include program and self-care (yoga, gym, walk/other) and feel 'off' when they change it up. Find what works best for you and gives you peace and roll with it!! (((Hugs)))
I was able to finally get some sleep, of course after I yelled and cried a lot which has no effect on my AH. He slept on the couch and acts like he is not at all bothered by anything and that hurts even more. He woke me up this morning saying he was going to the bank to make things right and that he thought I should get up and go with him to file for a divorce. I told him to leave me alone and he could go file for himself and I won't contest it. 4-5 days sober is not enough time yet for him to be making an rational decision or have a conversation with me. I was so upset yesterday when I picked him up from detox and he just kept saying "I don't want to fight." I wasn't fighting I was crying and telling him I wasn't comfortable with him in the home and he needs to find somewhere else to be and I am so disappointed that he won't go to inpatient, but I was the crazy one and I should just file for divorce. No remorse at all about the hurtful things said or done over the last few days, but what is new he is never sorry.
I am going to go to a f2f meeting tonight. I need to make some connections and get a sponsor. I am also considering a counselor through employee assistance for my son and I. My older grown children are offering as much help as they can and I have this inner peace that I can come through here and be ok somehow. Right now the AH is still gone from this morning so I am feeling peaceful, but I got to hold on tighter to my HP and the resources that I truly do have available to me. I don't have to stay here stuck, I do deserve better and I cannot control, cure or change my AH or his alcoholism.
Thank you all for your support. I plan to stay connected this time to all of you because coming on here helps.
Kat
You said it -- you do deserve better and don't have to stay stuck! Best wishes, and keep coming back.
I am so sorry that this is what it came down to however not sorry you are here. Sounds like you have a great plan and I am in FULL agreement .. EAP was the way to go and I backed it up with Alanon .. the changes and healing I went through at that time come around again and again .. so keep up doing you.
Sometimes an adult tantrum is required to stand back up and do the next right thing .. the good news is they come less frequently because being heard is not as difficult.
Hugs S :)
Thank you everyone. The meeting was incredible and they focused the entire meeting on being a newcomer and what to expect. This made me feel so special. I am still scared as to how things are going to turn out and I am upset that I am still consumed with what the AH is going to do. This has been my way of thinking for so long and I have to be gentle with myself and work the program. I am taking this one day at a time.
Sounds like an amazing meeting. I always say at beginners' meetings -- the newcomer/beginner is the most important person in the room!
It is very normal to be so immersed in the alcoholic, so focused on them, obsessed with them...and we lose sight of ourselves, we lose our individuality. Don't beat yourself up. Yes, be gentle with yourself. It is time to focus on you, not be critical of and hard on yourself. It is very common and you have gotten over a major hurdle in that you have awareness. You know it. This is a very good thing. Change, small, little successes of focusing on you, and not him, will come...little by slowly. Yes, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time. Whatever it is, take it, embrace it...because it's progress...little by slowly.
Focus on the next thing in front of you...what is the next thing in front of you, for you. You are facing the right direction...no matter how slow you move, or how small a step you take...it is still in the right direction.
I became a gym rat and took many, many long walks with ear buds and my dog. When I felt tense, pressure, uncomfortable, etc. I grabbed my phone, the leash and the dog and took off. Often I would call a program person or sponsor just so I would not 'verbally vomit' at the house. I stopped offering suggestions, opinions, etc. and began waiting for others to find me for discussions. I resigned from the house manager job, and decided to just manage me, one day at a time.
So - find things you enjoy and embrace them as part of your recovery. Many of my program friends have very specific daily routines that include program and self-care (yoga, gym, walk/other) and feel 'off' when they change it up. Find what works best for you and gives you peace and roll with it!! (((Hugs)))