I'm sick of going through this cycle. My AH is an alcoholic and addict. he thinks alcohol is not "as bad" and says stuff like at least he's just drinking. Or at least it's "just beer" instead of hard liquor. Or at least it's "just marijuana" instead of hard drugs. And he keeps saying over and over how he's gonna change. He's going to get sober this time. But every time I let down my guard he goes right back where he left off.
I feel like I got fooled. I feel like I fooled myself. My AH got out of inpatient last week. He relapsed within days! It was his fourth time. His counselor said he was really ready and I bit my tongue. I was hoping against hope. Maybe this time...
It's just so depressing because we've been planning a road trip to visit my parents across country the end of June. We haven't seen them in so long so the kids were excited. My AH made bold promises about going to rehab, being serious about his family and sobriety, making this trip. He even talked to our kids about going to rehab to get right. He psyched them up about our road trip. Like a fool I planned around these promises again. Now I have to rearrange those plans. How can I possibly drive several states with AH when he can't stay sober 24 hours?
On top of this my AH has to go to court this MONTH. He got arrested before he went to inpatient. Tell me I'm not insane to be planning a vacation around all this??
My brother-in-law told me I should buy some plane tickets, take the kids and visit my parents. Leave AH here. My brother in law is a recovering alcoholic, 1 1/2 years sober. He keeps telling me to focus on myself and forget what AH thinks. I think that sounds like a plan but I feel intimidated. To go alone? To leave AH here? To "give up" on AH? To explain the truth to my parents? All of the above, I guess. I don't know what to do.
Tude said
Jun 5, 2018
((sakina)) I'm glad you are here. Alcoholism is a family disease. It effects everyone whether we are aware of this or not. Your brother in law is right. You did nothing to cause the alcoholism. He has to make his own mind up and keep seeking help. Regardless, in the meantime, taking care of you is the most important thing you can do. Are there any Alanon meetings close to where you live? If so, it would be great if you could attend some and find one you like. Are your kids old enough for Alateen? The disease effects our children as well.
This site saved my rear and I'm so very grateful for the program and everyone in it.
This stuff is sneaky. It's easy to believe the lies, because they believe what are saying and may even really mean it at the time it is said. The issue is, with addictions, there's no follow thru. We get too caught up in it all. In here, we learn how to live whether the "A" (alcoholic/addict) is drinking or not. How to handle situations that arise, and how to have peace in our lives. It's not a quick fix, but I can promise you, if you work the program, it works. There are so many great people on here going thru the same thing you are. You're not alone and I hope you keep coming back
Hugs!
Iamhere said
Jun 5, 2018
Welcome sakina to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared....This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. He may have meant every word of promise to you and the kids about recovery, rehab, vacation, etc. What we learn in recovery is it's a family disease that is more powerful that self-will, good intentions, etc.
Tude touches upon it being a family disease - so, so true. We end up with distorted thinking, supercharged emotions and uncertainty what's best to do next. I tend to agree that the vacation is planned and there is no reason why you & the kids can't go without him. It's not giving up on anyone - it's taking the planned vacation in spite of him/his disease.
As far as all the other, what I've learned in recovery is I do much, much better when I stay focused on the right here and the right now. Worrying about yesterday or tomorrow is wasted time/energy. Doing the best with what I have and know, just for today, feels manageable. One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I can't Control this and I can't Cure this. All I can do is work to get me as healthy as possible to manage life on life's terms.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
Freetime said
Jun 5, 2018
Welcome,Sakina! From my experience, going on a vacation with just you and the kids sounds like a great idea. It doesn't mean giving up on husband, it just means taking care of yourself.
You don't have to explain yourself. If asked why husband did not come, you can choose how many details to provide. You can say he is sick -- because that is true. I think your brother-in-law gave good advice. It's great that you have support from him.
I hope you can find a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting. They really helped me when I was in the throes of confusion and despair.
Jazzie18 said
Jun 5, 2018
Welcome Sakina. I can relate to your post. I will have to say your BIL has some good advice. Although hard to follow, you leaving and enjoying your vacation without your AH will help him realize there are consequences to his drinking. It will also be nice for you to get away from it all and to focus on you. I agree with Freetime that you can just tell your parents that he is sick. Or maybe you can find the courage to tell them the truth. It took me forever to tell my parents about my AH (even though my father is a recovering A) and then I did I have to say it felt like a ton of weight was lifted off of me. It also gave me an additional support system that I didn't have when I was trying to keep my AH secret.
Best of luck to you and I really hope you keep your vacation plans and enjoy your time with your kids.
Aline said
Jun 5, 2018
Hi, sakina, welcome and (((hugs))). I also do not think it is in any way insane to be planning a vacation. I know my life pretty much stopped, well, I stopped living it, always waiting for the alcoholic to change... Regardless of what you decide, I can share that I had spent years waiting for my ex-a to become a dependable person, among other things, and apart from separate occasions it never was as I wanted. Others shared here on MIP when I was recently introduced to this program that expecting "normal" behavior from an alcoholic is like going for bread to a hardware store. I admit it took a long time to sink in and I still can pretty easily slip into thinking I may find bread where there can not be any bread... I too warmly encourage you to attend face to face Alanon meetings. The best thing you can do for yourself, your children and your husband is to be as healthy and happy as you can be, and there is healing available in this program for people like us, whose lives have been affected by a loved one's drinking. Keep coming back here as well, you are not alone.
Bo said
Jun 5, 2018
sakina wrote:
I'm sick of going through this cycle. My AH is an alcoholic and addict. he thinks alcohol is not "as bad" and says stuff like at least he's just drinking. Or at least it's "just beer" instead of hard liquor. Or at least it's "just marijuana" instead of hard drugs. And he keeps saying over and over how he's gonna change. He's going to get sober this time. But every time I let down my guard he goes right back where he left off.
I feel like I got fooled. I feel like I fooled myself. My AH got out of inpatient last week. He relapsed within days! It was his fourth time. His counselor said he was really ready and I bit my tongue. I was hoping against hope. Maybe this time...
It's just so depressing because we've been planning a road trip to visit my parents across country the end of June. We haven't seen them in so long so the kids were excited. My AH made bold promises about going to rehab, being serious about his family and sobriety, making this trip. He even talked to our kids about going to rehab to get right. He psyched them up about our road trip. Like a fool I planned around these promises again. Now I have to rearrange those plans. How can I possibly drive several states with AH when he can't stay sober 24 hours?
On top of this my AH has to go to court this MONTH. He got arrested before he went to inpatient. Tell me I'm not insane to be planning a vacation around all this??
My brother-in-law told me I should buy some plane tickets, take the kids and visit my parents. Leave AH here. My brother in law is a recovering alcoholic, 1 1/2 years sober. He keeps telling me to focus on myself and forget what AH thinks. I think that sounds like a plan but I feel intimidated. To go alone? To leave AH here? To "give up" on AH? To explain the truth to my parents? All of the above, I guess. I don't know what to do.
Well, you asked some pointed questions, and you got some advice from your brother-in-law. So, I will reply directly to that. Yes!!! I think your brother-in-law is right! And, yes, you should focus on YOU! Yes, I think you should go on the trip -- you and your kids! Yes, leave him there. And, by the way, leaving him there is NOT giving up on him. That is your distorted thinking. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Don't worry about what you will tell your parents. Focus on the next thing in front of you -- the trip.
Jerry F said
Jun 5, 2018
Aloha Sakina and welcome to the MIP Family...You will get lots of ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) here because we have all been there and done that until we changed and did better. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and yes as already said it is progressive. If it is not arrested by total abstinence it will get worse and it is a fatal disease. It affects everyone it comes into contact with and your brother in law reveals that he is affected by your husbands drinking also. He is a recovering alcoholic as many of us are also (called doubles because we are in both programs and work them) and he has a wealth of information part of which he has already shared with you...good. Myself...I was born and raised in this disease and both the maternal and paternal sides were addicted and like it has already been said, my life was saved or spared by our program. The suggestion to seek out face to face Al-Anon meetings is a best choice. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book...call it and find out where the meetings are and what time. Keep coming back here often. You can scroll back in time for earlier shares that are very helpful and supportive also. (((((hugs)))))
canadianguy said
Jun 6, 2018
Lots of great feedback from the group, and I echo their sentiments. Please see that taking your brother-in-law's suggestion is not at all "giving up on your AH", but rather not letting your AH's addictions dictate/control your every action & decision. He is a big boy, and still messing around with what he ultimately knows deep down - that "addiction is addiction is addiction", and it doesn't matter if it is beer, hard liquor, drugs, sex, gambling etc., it is still all addiction.
You are frustrated cuz you appear to be enmeshed in his disease, and you are taking on the consequences that rightfully need to be his to deal with. Posting here, reading great Al-Anon books, getting to F2F meetings - are all a terrific way for you to begin to break that chain of dysfunction.... If you change, your AH will have the choice/opportunity to change as well......
He's either gonna drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care
Tom
sakina said
Jun 6, 2018
Thank you all SO much for your kind words and support. I know deep in my heart you are all right.
Now, to take the first step. I am going to try to gather courage to go to a face to face meeting in my area. I'm going to try detaching from my AH and focusing on myself.
Jerry F said
Jun 6, 2018
Check back with us Sakina and let us know how it come out for you...we learn from others experiences. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jun 7, 2018
Sakina - my hope for you, just for today is that you are given the courage you need to find local meetings! I remember also having tons of fear and yet when I finally arrived, I was pleasantly surprised at how welcome I felt and loved - from the first meeting forward. May you find that as well! (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Jun 7, 2018
Welcome Sakina...now that I have the liberty and leisure of more time, I can respond to your post, other than answering the pointed questions you asked. On that note, having been "in the rooms" (that means going to official, conference approved face to face alanon meetings -- conference approved means approved by our conference or organization, which is the Alanon World Services Organization, which is the world-wide parent organization) for almost 25 years, my experience regarding beginners is that I see many "common" factors. While each person and each situation is case specific, there are in fact many common factors. Whether people show up here, or find the courage needed to walk into an official, conference approved face to face meeting -- many people are feeling fear. Many are feeling overwhelmed. Many are feeling pain, are overwhelmed, are frustrated, and so much more.
So, beginners/necomers find themselves in alanon and they start hearing about new terms, slogans, new ideas, concepts, and so on. Perhaps it is foreign to them. It can certainly sound foreign to the newcomer. It can certainly sound counter-intuitive. And, some of it can certainly sound like "bad news" so to speak. They hear about tools they can or should start to use in order to change and get better. They hear about change they could or should make in order to feel better and in order to get off the roller coaster so to speak. I know that's how I felt. I felt worse actually. I, like you, was sick and tired of going through the day to day roller coaster, drama, chaos, turmoil, havoc, phone calls, accidents, police, lawyers, doctors, counsellors, bars, bartenders, cancelled plans, screaming, yelling, fighting, arguing, and so on and so on and so on. I too heard the nonsense, BS rationalization -- it's only wine, it's just a glass or two, I drank on an empty stomach, it was my "medication" and so on and so on and so on. I wasn't able to see or feel the hope when I was a beginner. I was a beaten down person. I was emotionally and mentally broken and bankrupt. I just couldn't take it anymore. Enough!!! I had enough!!!
That being the case, the newcomer comes into the room, a loved one is in trouble...so the natural, innate, reaction, desire, is to do something. "What do I do?" is the natural next step for us, for anyone. And there lies the question. There lies the mindset, the philosophy, the approach, the methodology. We could be in a place where we have bought into the never again promise, or this time I will quit promise, or whatever the words are following "I promise" -- and we feel like we got fooled, nor we got conned, or we got taken advantage of. We are mad at the person, we are mad at ourselves! I got fooled, again, and again, and again. I was a human ATM machine giving out an endless supply of one last chance and one more chance. Why? Because I kept hoping. Praying. I wanted her to quit. I would do anything to have her quit, make her quit, get her to quit. My hoping, praying, etc., turned into denial. While I was in denial, I was not focusing on me. I was immersed in her, what she was doing, where she was going, what happened, why she was behaving this way, why she drank, didn't, could, could not, might not, analyzing, rationalizing, negotiating with her, and the disease. Some people do this, some don't. I did.
All of this sounds very negative. Perhaps bleak. However, it is not. It is the journey, the thinking, the experience I had to go through...all of this...BEFORE...I was ready, able, and willing...to embrace the alanon program. You see, it was not only new, but it was also very different and very "opposite" of what I had been doing for years. Hence, it was a change, a paradigm shift, in my thinking, actions, reactions, my mindset, my philosophy, and more. I had to be ready. I had to want it -- it being for me to get better. I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired every single day. I had to be ready to scratch, claw, crawl, do whatever it takes for me to get better. I had to be at a point where my pain was just so bad, that I couldn't take it for another minute, and I just had to change. That was my rock bottom. I fell to that point. I got up, I brushed myself off...and I started...at that moment...I started doing the work that it took...for me to get better. That was the beginning of me doing the work, the beginning of my journey to and on recovery.
More to follow...I have a business/telephone meeting now.
KT2015 said
Jun 7, 2018
welcome to the board Sakia.
I can relate very much to what you wrote and how you feel. Especially when you expressed that when you "let down your guard" he goes back to drinking. I used to feel that way too. Face to face meetings really helped me with this. The board is a good start but the real support and care happens in those meetings.
I will share my experience that I think might be relevant to your situation. Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest. One of the concepts that helped me in Al Anon was the three c's. Regarding my AH. I didn't cause his alcoholism (or cause him to drink), I can't cure his alcoholism, and I can't control it (or his drinking). It's something I really had to accept when I started and it helped me immensely. I used to think that somehow me monitoring what he was doing had some kind of effect on if he drank or not. Turns out I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism. My AH just hid his drinking more when I tried to monitor it and him. And no matter what I did or didn't do he would eventually drink because that's what alcoholics do. I want more than anything for my AH to be sober. That's why I tried so hard to "help" him but it never worked. I (and countless others in these groups) have tried to help an alcoholic get sober and failed. Once I let go of trying to help/control him I was able to focus more on me. My life turned around slowly from something that was completely unmanageable (trying to manage someone else's disease) to something much more manageable (taking care of myself and my child). I had to detach and then detach with love and focus on me. I still love my AH and I hope one day he will find sobriety but I know that I can't make that happen and in the meantime I have to live my life. I have done exactly what you are considering doing. We used to rent a cottage in the summer for a few weeks and go away and one year it was just horrific. His drinking was terrible, we were fighting, my daughter didn't enjoy it and neither did I. It was so bad that I started dreading them so I stopped planning them. I planned a trip to visit my best friend across the country last year. Just the two of us (my daughter and I). It was a nice change. We had more control over our trip and we enjoyed the freedom. My AH did have the option of flying with us but he didn't choose to do that. My world didn't end. I came home and nothing had changed. He hadn't found sobriety or fallen apart while I was gone. What did change was me. I built more self confidence . I had a fun trip. My daughter also had a great time! This year my friend is coming to me and we are taking a road trip. It's going to be fun for us.
I know how hard and lonely it feels to live with an active AH. I would encourage you to attend a face to face meeting. That is what helped me improve my life for the better.
Bo said
Jun 7, 2018
My telephone meeting was shorter than expected, thankfully, LOL.
So, sakina, I can very much relate to your post. I felt and faced many of the same things you are facing and feeling -- many of us have. And, here's the hope for you -- many of us, got through it. Many of us have gotten better, and now have a wonderful, happy life. You can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic/addict is still drinking/using, or not. Now, that may sound very strange. It may sound impossible to you. However, it is not. Our focus, the alanon focus is on US, us getting better. Thus, the very beginning is to focus on YOU. Once I stopped trying to figure out why my wife was drinking, why she was sad, angry, depressed -- one I stopped trying to figure out anything that had to do with her...once I started to focus on me, what I had to do to get better, then, I started to get better. And, when I trying to figure out all of that stuff, the more I tried, the more I drove myself crazy...because there is no figuring it out. This is an enigmatic, decimating, progressive, insidious, cunning, and baffling disease. There is no answer to so much of it. In addition, once I stopped trying to fix it, control it, once I stopped trying to force her into quitting, once I stopped trying to prove to her that she had a problem, that she was killing herself, and me, and that she was tearing apart our family/marriage, once I tried to stop all of that -- I began to get better.
Why? Because, and here is the sad and bad news...the alcoholic/addict will NOT quit UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. They have to want it. Not us. We can't want it more than them. They have to want to quit. And, there is nothing we can do about it. There is nothing we can do to make that day come about quicker, or at all. Now, that is not a defeatist attitude. It is not negative. It is simply the truth...and it can be very freeing for us, very empowering. Once we give up trying to fix this or fix the other person...we are now able to focus on ourselves and what we need to do.
That is not giving up on the alcoholic/addict. That is not abandoning them. That doesn't mean we stop loving them. It just means we need to change, and we need to start using new tools, new resources, new ways of thinking, behaving, acting and reacting. The alcoholic/addict may say we are giving up on them. They may accuse us of abandoning them. They may blame us, and say that we no longer love them. However, none of that is true. That is the disease talking, the sickness, the lying, the blame, the denial, the manipulation, and everything else they have.
Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work. Focus on you. Alanon will work if you want it to.
More to follow...
Bo said
Jun 7, 2018
When I started going to meetings, I was struggling. I didn't know what to do, how to act, react, behave. The day to day "what do I do" things were killing me. We had upcoming travel plans, vacation, going away for the summer to our summer home, weddings to attend, charity events, and so on. Plus, every single day, when I got home -- what was I supposed to do and say when she was buzzed? Drunk? Passed out? Slurring her words? And so on.
All of this was so overwhelming. And all of this got handled and addressed, when I got a sponsor and started working with him -- calling him, talking to him, asking him for help, guidance, options, and learning from him.
I was scared to walk into a meeting. Petrified. I was well known in my community, served on the board of a major hospital/healthcare system, had just been on CNBC, and was somewhat high profile. All the things went through my head -- what if I see someone I know, what if someone recognizes me, knows me, what if they ask me why I am there, and so on and so on and so on. I am a Jewish guy from NYC, and I had to walk into a massive church for a meeting with strangers, and I had no idea what to expect. Normally, I would love to walk into a room full of strangers, and here, that night, I wanted to cry. I did cry. I parked my car and started walking in. I then felt like I was going to get sick and actually throw up. That passed. Then it got worse. By the time I got to the door, I felt like I was going to faint or pass out. That wasn't good. Somehow I made it into the room.
The first person, a woman, approached me and asked if I was new, if it was my first meeting. I said yes, my voice cracking a bit and I again almost started to cry. She introduced herself, and gestured to come with her and she was going to introduce me to everyone...and that they were not strangers...they were just friends I hadn't met yet. She was right. They welcomed me. With open hands, arms, and open hearts. This room full of people took care of me. They not only made me feel welcome, they made me feel at home. They assured me, and proved to me in a sense, that many of them had faced or were facing exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I was facing. It was in that moment I realized and learned...I WAS NOT ALONE. I was in a room full of people who knew -- who understood -- exactly what I was feeling and going through!!! And, most important...they could...and they would...help me. And they did. And they told me and got me to keep coming back. They -- and alanon -- saved my life.
The moral of my story and experience...GO TO A MEETING. NOW. and KEEP GOING BACK. Find a sponsor. NOW. Start learning, working, start you getting better TODAY.
I'm sick of going through this cycle. My AH is an alcoholic and addict. he thinks alcohol is not "as bad" and says stuff like at least he's just drinking. Or at least it's "just beer" instead of hard liquor. Or at least it's "just marijuana" instead of hard drugs. And he keeps saying over and over how he's gonna change. He's going to get sober this time. But every time I let down my guard he goes right back where he left off.
I feel like I got fooled. I feel like I fooled myself. My AH got out of inpatient last week. He relapsed within days! It was his fourth time. His counselor said he was really ready and I bit my tongue. I was hoping against hope. Maybe this time...
It's just so depressing because we've been planning a road trip to visit my parents across country the end of June. We haven't seen them in so long so the kids were excited. My AH made bold promises about going to rehab, being serious about his family and sobriety, making this trip. He even talked to our kids about going to rehab to get right. He psyched them up about our road trip. Like a fool I planned around these promises again. Now I have to rearrange those plans. How can I possibly drive several states with AH when he can't stay sober 24 hours?
On top of this my AH has to go to court this MONTH. He got arrested before he went to inpatient. Tell me I'm not insane to be planning a vacation around all this??
My brother-in-law told me I should buy some plane tickets, take the kids and visit my parents. Leave AH here. My brother in law is a recovering alcoholic, 1 1/2 years sober. He keeps telling me to focus on myself and forget what AH thinks. I think that sounds like a plan but I feel intimidated. To go alone? To leave AH here? To "give up" on AH? To explain the truth to my parents? All of the above, I guess. I don't know what to do.
This site saved my rear and I'm so very grateful for the program and everyone in it.
This stuff is sneaky. It's easy to believe the lies, because they believe what are saying and may even really mean it at the time it is said. The issue is, with addictions, there's no follow thru. We get too caught up in it all. In here, we learn how to live whether the "A" (alcoholic/addict) is drinking or not. How to handle situations that arise, and how to have peace in our lives. It's not a quick fix, but I can promise you, if you work the program, it works. There are so many great people on here going thru the same thing you are. You're not alone and I hope you keep coming back
Hugs!
Tude touches upon it being a family disease - so, so true. We end up with distorted thinking, supercharged emotions and uncertainty what's best to do next. I tend to agree that the vacation is planned and there is no reason why you & the kids can't go without him. It's not giving up on anyone - it's taking the planned vacation in spite of him/his disease.
As far as all the other, what I've learned in recovery is I do much, much better when I stay focused on the right here and the right now. Worrying about yesterday or tomorrow is wasted time/energy. Doing the best with what I have and know, just for today, feels manageable. One of the first things I learned in Al-Anon was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause this, I can't Control this and I can't Cure this. All I can do is work to get me as healthy as possible to manage life on life's terms.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
You don't have to explain yourself. If asked why husband did not come, you can choose how many details to provide. You can say he is sick -- because that is true. I think your brother-in-law gave good advice. It's great that you have support from him.
I hope you can find a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting. They really helped me when I was in the throes of confusion and despair.
Best of luck to you and I really hope you keep your vacation plans and enjoy your time with your kids.
Well, you asked some pointed questions, and you got some advice from your brother-in-law. So, I will reply directly to that. Yes!!! I think your brother-in-law is right! And, yes, you should focus on YOU! Yes, I think you should go on the trip -- you and your kids! Yes, leave him there. And, by the way, leaving him there is NOT giving up on him. That is your distorted thinking. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Don't worry about what you will tell your parents. Focus on the next thing in front of you -- the trip.
Aloha Sakina and welcome to the MIP Family...You will get lots of ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) here because we have all been there and done that until we changed and did better. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease and yes as already said it is progressive. If it is not arrested by total abstinence it will get worse and it is a fatal disease. It affects everyone it comes into contact with and your brother in law reveals that he is affected by your husbands drinking also. He is a recovering alcoholic as many of us are also (called doubles because we are in both programs and work them) and he has a wealth of information part of which he has already shared with you...good. Myself...I was born and raised in this disease and both the maternal and paternal sides were addicted and like it has already been said, my life was saved or spared by our program. The suggestion to seek out face to face Al-Anon meetings is a best choice. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book...call it and find out where the meetings are and what time. Keep coming back here often. You can scroll back in time for earlier shares that are very helpful and supportive also. (((((hugs)))))
Lots of great feedback from the group, and I echo their sentiments. Please see that taking your brother-in-law's suggestion is not at all "giving up on your AH", but rather not letting your AH's addictions dictate/control your every action & decision. He is a big boy, and still messing around with what he ultimately knows deep down - that "addiction is addiction is addiction", and it doesn't matter if it is beer, hard liquor, drugs, sex, gambling etc., it is still all addiction.
You are frustrated cuz you appear to be enmeshed in his disease, and you are taking on the consequences that rightfully need to be his to deal with. Posting here, reading great Al-Anon books, getting to F2F meetings - are all a terrific way for you to begin to break that chain of dysfunction.... If you change, your AH will have the choice/opportunity to change as well......
He's either gonna drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care
Tom
Now, to take the first step. I am going to try to gather courage to go to a face to face meeting in my area. I'm going to try detaching from my AH and focusing on myself.
Check back with us Sakina and let us know how it come out for you...we learn from others experiences. (((hugs)))
Welcome Sakina...now that I have the liberty and leisure of more time, I can respond to your post, other than answering the pointed questions you asked. On that note, having been "in the rooms" (that means going to official, conference approved face to face alanon meetings -- conference approved means approved by our conference or organization, which is the Alanon World Services Organization, which is the world-wide parent organization) for almost 25 years, my experience regarding beginners is that I see many "common" factors. While each person and each situation is case specific, there are in fact many common factors. Whether people show up here, or find the courage needed to walk into an official, conference approved face to face meeting -- many people are feeling fear. Many are feeling overwhelmed. Many are feeling pain, are overwhelmed, are frustrated, and so much more.
So, beginners/necomers find themselves in alanon and they start hearing about new terms, slogans, new ideas, concepts, and so on. Perhaps it is foreign to them. It can certainly sound foreign to the newcomer. It can certainly sound counter-intuitive. And, some of it can certainly sound like "bad news" so to speak. They hear about tools they can or should start to use in order to change and get better. They hear about change they could or should make in order to feel better and in order to get off the roller coaster so to speak. I know that's how I felt. I felt worse actually. I, like you, was sick and tired of going through the day to day roller coaster, drama, chaos, turmoil, havoc, phone calls, accidents, police, lawyers, doctors, counsellors, bars, bartenders, cancelled plans, screaming, yelling, fighting, arguing, and so on and so on and so on. I too heard the nonsense, BS rationalization -- it's only wine, it's just a glass or two, I drank on an empty stomach, it was my "medication" and so on and so on and so on. I wasn't able to see or feel the hope when I was a beginner. I was a beaten down person. I was emotionally and mentally broken and bankrupt. I just couldn't take it anymore. Enough!!! I had enough!!!
That being the case, the newcomer comes into the room, a loved one is in trouble...so the natural, innate, reaction, desire, is to do something. "What do I do?" is the natural next step for us, for anyone. And there lies the question. There lies the mindset, the philosophy, the approach, the methodology. We could be in a place where we have bought into the never again promise, or this time I will quit promise, or whatever the words are following "I promise" -- and we feel like we got fooled, nor we got conned, or we got taken advantage of. We are mad at the person, we are mad at ourselves! I got fooled, again, and again, and again. I was a human ATM machine giving out an endless supply of one last chance and one more chance. Why? Because I kept hoping. Praying. I wanted her to quit. I would do anything to have her quit, make her quit, get her to quit. My hoping, praying, etc., turned into denial. While I was in denial, I was not focusing on me. I was immersed in her, what she was doing, where she was going, what happened, why she was behaving this way, why she drank, didn't, could, could not, might not, analyzing, rationalizing, negotiating with her, and the disease. Some people do this, some don't. I did.
All of this sounds very negative. Perhaps bleak. However, it is not. It is the journey, the thinking, the experience I had to go through...all of this...BEFORE...I was ready, able, and willing...to embrace the alanon program. You see, it was not only new, but it was also very different and very "opposite" of what I had been doing for years. Hence, it was a change, a paradigm shift, in my thinking, actions, reactions, my mindset, my philosophy, and more. I had to be ready. I had to want it -- it being for me to get better. I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired every single day. I had to be ready to scratch, claw, crawl, do whatever it takes for me to get better. I had to be at a point where my pain was just so bad, that I couldn't take it for another minute, and I just had to change. That was my rock bottom. I fell to that point. I got up, I brushed myself off...and I started...at that moment...I started doing the work that it took...for me to get better. That was the beginning of me doing the work, the beginning of my journey to and on recovery.
More to follow...I have a business/telephone meeting now.
I can relate very much to what you wrote and how you feel. Especially when you expressed that when you "let down your guard" he goes back to drinking. I used to feel that way too. Face to face meetings really helped me with this. The board is a good start but the real support and care happens in those meetings.
I will share my experience that I think might be relevant to your situation. Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest. One of the concepts that helped me in Al Anon was the three c's. Regarding my AH. I didn't cause his alcoholism (or cause him to drink), I can't cure his alcoholism, and I can't control it (or his drinking). It's something I really had to accept when I started and it helped me immensely. I used to think that somehow me monitoring what he was doing had some kind of effect on if he drank or not. Turns out I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism. My AH just hid his drinking more when I tried to monitor it and him. And no matter what I did or didn't do he would eventually drink because that's what alcoholics do. I want more than anything for my AH to be sober. That's why I tried so hard to "help" him but it never worked. I (and countless others in these groups) have tried to help an alcoholic get sober and failed. Once I let go of trying to help/control him I was able to focus more on me. My life turned around slowly from something that was completely unmanageable (trying to manage someone else's disease) to something much more manageable (taking care of myself and my child). I had to detach and then detach with love and focus on me. I still love my AH and I hope one day he will find sobriety but I know that I can't make that happen and in the meantime I have to live my life. I have done exactly what you are considering doing. We used to rent a cottage in the summer for a few weeks and go away and one year it was just horrific. His drinking was terrible, we were fighting, my daughter didn't enjoy it and neither did I. It was so bad that I started dreading them so I stopped planning them. I planned a trip to visit my best friend across the country last year. Just the two of us (my daughter and I). It was a nice change. We had more control over our trip and we enjoyed the freedom. My AH did have the option of flying with us but he didn't choose to do that. My world didn't end. I came home and nothing had changed. He hadn't found sobriety or fallen apart while I was gone. What did change was me. I built more self confidence . I had a fun trip. My daughter also had a great time! This year my friend is coming to me and we are taking a road trip. It's going to be fun for us.
I know how hard and lonely it feels to live with an active AH. I would encourage you to attend a face to face meeting. That is what helped me improve my life for the better.
So, sakina, I can very much relate to your post. I felt and faced many of the same things you are facing and feeling -- many of us have. And, here's the hope for you -- many of us, got through it. Many of us have gotten better, and now have a wonderful, happy life. You can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic/addict is still drinking/using, or not. Now, that may sound very strange. It may sound impossible to you. However, it is not. Our focus, the alanon focus is on US, us getting better. Thus, the very beginning is to focus on YOU. Once I stopped trying to figure out why my wife was drinking, why she was sad, angry, depressed -- one I stopped trying to figure out anything that had to do with her...once I started to focus on me, what I had to do to get better, then, I started to get better. And, when I trying to figure out all of that stuff, the more I tried, the more I drove myself crazy...because there is no figuring it out. This is an enigmatic, decimating, progressive, insidious, cunning, and baffling disease. There is no answer to so much of it. In addition, once I stopped trying to fix it, control it, once I stopped trying to force her into quitting, once I stopped trying to prove to her that she had a problem, that she was killing herself, and me, and that she was tearing apart our family/marriage, once I tried to stop all of that -- I began to get better.
Why? Because, and here is the sad and bad news...the alcoholic/addict will NOT quit UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. They have to want it. Not us. We can't want it more than them. They have to want to quit. And, there is nothing we can do about it. There is nothing we can do to make that day come about quicker, or at all. Now, that is not a defeatist attitude. It is not negative. It is simply the truth...and it can be very freeing for us, very empowering. Once we give up trying to fix this or fix the other person...we are now able to focus on ourselves and what we need to do.
That is not giving up on the alcoholic/addict. That is not abandoning them. That doesn't mean we stop loving them. It just means we need to change, and we need to start using new tools, new resources, new ways of thinking, behaving, acting and reacting. The alcoholic/addict may say we are giving up on them. They may accuse us of abandoning them. They may blame us, and say that we no longer love them. However, none of that is true. That is the disease talking, the sickness, the lying, the blame, the denial, the manipulation, and everything else they have.
Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work. Focus on you. Alanon will work if you want it to.
More to follow...
All of this was so overwhelming. And all of this got handled and addressed, when I got a sponsor and started working with him -- calling him, talking to him, asking him for help, guidance, options, and learning from him.
I was scared to walk into a meeting. Petrified. I was well known in my community, served on the board of a major hospital/healthcare system, had just been on CNBC, and was somewhat high profile. All the things went through my head -- what if I see someone I know, what if someone recognizes me, knows me, what if they ask me why I am there, and so on and so on and so on. I am a Jewish guy from NYC, and I had to walk into a massive church for a meeting with strangers, and I had no idea what to expect. Normally, I would love to walk into a room full of strangers, and here, that night, I wanted to cry. I did cry. I parked my car and started walking in. I then felt like I was going to get sick and actually throw up. That passed. Then it got worse. By the time I got to the door, I felt like I was going to faint or pass out. That wasn't good. Somehow I made it into the room.
The first person, a woman, approached me and asked if I was new, if it was my first meeting. I said yes, my voice cracking a bit and I again almost started to cry. She introduced herself, and gestured to come with her and she was going to introduce me to everyone...and that they were not strangers...they were just friends I hadn't met yet. She was right. They welcomed me. With open hands, arms, and open hearts. This room full of people took care of me. They not only made me feel welcome, they made me feel at home. They assured me, and proved to me in a sense, that many of them had faced or were facing exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I was facing. It was in that moment I realized and learned...I WAS NOT ALONE. I was in a room full of people who knew -- who understood -- exactly what I was feeling and going through!!! And, most important...they could...and they would...help me. And they did. And they told me and got me to keep coming back. They -- and alanon -- saved my life.
The moral of my story and experience...GO TO A MEETING. NOW. and KEEP GOING BACK. Find a sponsor. NOW. Start learning, working, start you getting better TODAY.