I have a friend who has been struggling with alcohol, and has had the issues of countless DUI, going to rehab and drinking shortly after, etc. His wife is a good friend of mine and weve gone to Al-Anon and shared our experiences to help each other. While shes out of town, hes been on his drinking binges. My spouse, and his three best friends were going to meet with him tonight to help him, since nothing so far has been working. One of his best friends spilled the beans today so it would go easier on him tonight. Then the two of them planned to have all of them meet for dinner. So, now hes calling all the rest and screaming at them, and then did the same with his wife. My spouse did get to call back and talk briefly and hopefully diffuse the situation somewhat. Yet, Im not convinced. My situation with my AS pales in comparison with their situation. Im almost wondering if I need to ask the friends of this group to attend Al-Anon with me to get to understand how our friend is when it comes to alcoholism. Its hard seeing this on this side, watching my friends go through this. It also can be triggering for me. I guess I can just be a support and offer whatever help I can. I did give him my book on Children of Alcoholics book, but Im unsure if hes really using it. He needs to attend AA, and hes in denial that he has a drinking problem, although he has to breathe into a mouthpiece to start his car and stashes Alcohol in his car. I hate this disease!
Iamhere said
Jun 3, 2018
(((Gabigail))) - so sorry for what you're watching, witnessing and enduring. Your post reminds me of the many times I watched the disease consume another and how I felt so powerless....It's so easy to forget how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is until it raises up near by again. I get the triggers too - I always feel as if there is something I should be doing and then usually fall back on the Serenity Prayer to realize I can do very little beyond pray and be ready to be of service when/if asked.
I'm sending you tons of peaceful, positive thoughts and prayers. I too hate this disease often and even more so when it's in my face destroying another person I deeply care about.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 3, 2018
Big hugs,
I find I get myself into the most trouble when I meddle into things that are not my business .. it is HP's business and my HP has a better handle on the situation than I do.
If your friend asks that's one thing .. however thumping Alanon at them isn't going to help them . I prefer to have people ask me .. now .. when I see someone struggling and they have shared with me what's going on then yes .. I will say have you considered Alanon .. I'm not going to just impose that on them. Even if it is in their best interests .. it's just outside my hula hoop.
Big hugs S :)
tiredtonite said
Jun 3, 2018
((gabigail))) sorry for what you are going through. You've done what you could. Wishing the best for all concerned. This is an awful disease. TT
gabigail said
Jun 3, 2018
Thanks everyone- I will continue prayers. My friend whose spouse is the alcoholic has asked me for help by listening to her and attending Al Anon with her. My spouse, who is a recovering alcoholic, along with his three best friends, planned this intervention, which fell apart. However, with our collective work, she handled herself well, helping to defuse the situation with the help of Al Anon/ AA tools. I was very impressed to see that in action. I guess I wish I can do more, and seeing my friend constantly going through this (both of them), is upsetting to witness. All I can do is be here for her. I honestly dont know how much more she can take. Shes been asking me about kicking him out and finding out legal stuff. All I can do is help her in her healing and be a support.
lookingup said
Jun 4, 2018
Sounds like your handling this sit very well gabi,
I can so relate as I'm going through similar sit myself with a freind,
I now know as you have said all I can do is be a support,not imposing alanon upon her,with lots of prayers.......thank you for sharing ,lots of great esh given here...........lu
el-cee said
Jun 4, 2018
I think your a very kind and caring friend. It sounds like everybody is learning good lessons here and maybe your friend will be able to do whats right for her. Powerlessness is a hard one to accept but as soon as its accepted the letting go can begin and everyone can get back to concentrating on their own lives including the alcoholic.
Bo said
Jun 4, 2018
Gabigail, welcome. I certainly understand how you feel, given the circumstances that are surrounding you. While they may be around your life, they don't have to consume or take over your life. Given the binges while your friend is out of town -- it is a judgement call as to your spouse, his best friends, etc., going to visit with him. I get the motives, and they are nothing but care and sincere; I just don't know if it's appropriate, not minding my own business, etc., which we learn about in alanon. My efforts would be minimal vis a vis forcing my opinion, my will, what I want, etc. If he wants to get help, he will. If he wants to stop/quit, he will. It's really up to him.
The entire intervention thing -- well, my experience is there are two sides of that coin. The side that says it's "forcing" and the side that says it's setting the ultimate boundary and completely re-framing the entire relationship between those involved and the alcoholic. If it's done right, truly right -- with the right motives in mind, and one of the wrong motives is to threaten, force, etc., the alcoholic into quitting, getting help, etc. It's not about forcing them. It's about giving them the choice, letting them know the consequences if they say yes, or if they say no, and then letting them make the choice. Many people don't do that however. Neither here nor there.
As far as your friends -- you are going with his spouse, and you are a great friend. You are there for her, in a healthy and supportive way, and that's wonderful. However, as you know, we don't want to go too far. "Rounding up" everyone involved to go to alanon meetings could be great -- if everyone wants to go. Each person can make their own decisions based upon how far they want to go, how involved they want to be, etc. -- and being too involved is not healthy for us. Attraction not promotion. That is one of alanon's principles, and you can read about it in official, conference approved literature. Being that this isn't an official, conference approved forum, I don't know if you can find that information here. However, they will have it at face to face, official/conference approved meetings. Offer the option to them. Maybe they will go if it's impacting them as much to the point where they feel they need it. I always felt cautioned to "get too involved" so to speak. That is part of our sickness!!!
Yes, that can be a trigger for you -- for all of us. While you said "He needs to attend AA" -- actually, it's his decision. If he's in denial, then he's already made that decision. Are all of you trying to convince him that he has a problem? Check your motives. Let everyone check their respective motives. Everyone has to be healthy. Part of our sickness is that we want to show them, prove to them, make them realize, etc. -- that they have a problem, they should quit, go to rehab, etc. That's why we are in alanon!!! That's part of our disease.
Hi everyone
I have a friend who has been struggling with alcohol, and has had the issues of countless DUI, going to rehab and drinking shortly after, etc. His wife is a good friend of mine and weve gone to Al-Anon and shared our experiences to help each other. While shes out of town, hes been on his drinking binges. My spouse, and his three best friends were going to meet with him tonight to help him, since nothing so far has been working. One of his best friends spilled the beans today so it would go easier on him tonight. Then the two of them planned to have all of them meet for dinner. So, now hes calling all the rest and screaming at them, and then did the same with his wife. My spouse did get to call back and talk briefly and hopefully diffuse the situation somewhat. Yet, Im not convinced. My situation with my AS pales in comparison with their situation. Im almost wondering if I need to ask the friends of this group to attend Al-Anon with me to get to understand how our friend is when it comes to alcoholism. Its hard seeing this on this side, watching my friends go through this. It also can be triggering for me. I guess I can just be a support and offer whatever help I can. I did give him my book on Children of Alcoholics book, but Im unsure if hes really using it. He needs to attend AA, and hes in denial that he has a drinking problem, although he has to breathe into a mouthpiece to start his car and stashes Alcohol in his car. I hate this disease!
I'm sending you tons of peaceful, positive thoughts and prayers. I too hate this disease often and even more so when it's in my face destroying another person I deeply care about.
I find I get myself into the most trouble when I meddle into things that are not my business .. it is HP's business and my HP has a better handle on the situation than I do.
If your friend asks that's one thing .. however thumping Alanon at them isn't going to help them . I prefer to have people ask me .. now .. when I see someone struggling and they have shared with me what's going on then yes .. I will say have you considered Alanon .. I'm not going to just impose that on them. Even if it is in their best interests .. it's just outside my hula hoop.
Big hugs S :)
((gabigail))) sorry for what you are going through. You've done what you could. Wishing the best for all concerned. This is an awful disease. TT
I can so relate as I'm going through similar sit myself with a freind,
I now know as you have said all I can do is be a support,not imposing alanon upon her,with lots of prayers.......thank you for sharing ,lots of great esh given here...........lu
I think your a very kind and caring friend. It sounds like everybody is learning good lessons here and maybe your friend will be able to do whats right for her. Powerlessness is a hard one to accept but as soon as its accepted the letting go can begin and everyone can get back to concentrating on their own lives including the alcoholic.
The entire intervention thing -- well, my experience is there are two sides of that coin. The side that says it's "forcing" and the side that says it's setting the ultimate boundary and completely re-framing the entire relationship between those involved and the alcoholic. If it's done right, truly right -- with the right motives in mind, and one of the wrong motives is to threaten, force, etc., the alcoholic into quitting, getting help, etc. It's not about forcing them. It's about giving them the choice, letting them know the consequences if they say yes, or if they say no, and then letting them make the choice. Many people don't do that however. Neither here nor there.
As far as your friends -- you are going with his spouse, and you are a great friend. You are there for her, in a healthy and supportive way, and that's wonderful. However, as you know, we don't want to go too far. "Rounding up" everyone involved to go to alanon meetings could be great -- if everyone wants to go. Each person can make their own decisions based upon how far they want to go, how involved they want to be, etc. -- and being too involved is not healthy for us. Attraction not promotion. That is one of alanon's principles, and you can read about it in official, conference approved literature. Being that this isn't an official, conference approved forum, I don't know if you can find that information here. However, they will have it at face to face, official/conference approved meetings. Offer the option to them. Maybe they will go if it's impacting them as much to the point where they feel they need it. I always felt cautioned to "get too involved" so to speak. That is part of our sickness!!!
Yes, that can be a trigger for you -- for all of us. While you said "He needs to attend AA" -- actually, it's his decision. If he's in denial, then he's already made that decision. Are all of you trying to convince him that he has a problem? Check your motives. Let everyone check their respective motives. Everyone has to be healthy. Part of our sickness is that we want to show them, prove to them, make them realize, etc. -- that they have a problem, they should quit, go to rehab, etc. That's why we are in alanon!!! That's part of our disease.
All the best.