Good afternoon! Iām upset with myself for my behavior today. My husband strolled in at 7am this morning after a night on the town...and at 11am I had my proverbial gloves on ready to tell him what a terrible person he was. I ranted, I raved, I threatened empty threats, I name called, I told him exactly what he was doing wrong...I ended up looking like the crazy one. And of course it just made the situation worse and didnāt solve anything. Itās so hard when all the work youāve done to detach and not get sucked into the mayhem and try to keep your own peace goes out the window and you are back in that crazy place. Iām disappointed in myself but I guess I just jump back into my readings and meetings and hope for more serenity and restraint next time. It is just so hard some time to handle the feelings of pain but I have to remind myself of HOPE (hold on. pain ends)Thank you for letting me share.
Jerry F said
May 31, 2018
(((((Holly))))) ...There!!! if you don't give yourself hugs...let some of us do it and then forgive yourself and jump into recovery memory for verification. "We are not saints". "It's about progress...not perfection". **Let go and Let God** (both for the alcoholic and for the victims of our disease) and there are more in our memories if we have been working the program.
I know what you went thru....been there...done that until I learned not to do that which I get to practice over again when I forget and get caught off guard by my thoughts, feelings and memory. I can add to the lessons and create wider, stronger, more useful lessons after getting to the meetings, getting with my sponsor, using the literature and then practicing, practicing, practicing that which I am learning, keeping my mind, heart and spirit open to the presence of HP.
Slips for me means that I have forgotten the practice for just a while and that it is temporary and as long as my willingness to keep my recovery. I slip and will slip as long as I have the opportunity to accept my humanness. Then I keep working and remember the successes. When we slip we get back up and thank God for the opportunities to live, learn and help and just for today we continue on.
In my recovery I do not discount my ability and opportunity to help others and always question them after about what I have offered..."How did that work out for you"? and then listen, listen, listen.
Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
May 31, 2018
Hi Holly You are definitely not alone. Program suggests that we forgive ourselves for such slips and as you noted get right back into our reading and meetings.
This is not an easy road that we walk and beating ourselves up for reverting back to old tools although understandable is not acceptable I found at times such as you encountered, a telephone call to an alanon member instead of using old tools helped tremendously. Checking out a meeting schedule and coming to this Board is also an option
Loved your definition of HOPE-- "Hold on pain ends " Had not heard that one before however it is so true
Jill said
May 31, 2018
So true. You describe my behavior. Memories of it humble and make me think ICK I never want to be her again. Then I temporarily am.
I know how I feel, and assume your feelings are similar. (Maybe they aren't.)
Congrats to getting back to your program mindset, It is SO helpful for me.
I know of no other way back to the person I can admire.
Stan1 said
May 31, 2018
Hello everyone and thank you for ESH. I just expressed myself and hopefully in a more grown up manner. I have been planning a baby shower for months for my daughter in law. The shower is on Sunday and I overhear my SA telling our son to bring a spray gun out to paint shoot a project he is working on for a friend. This annoyed me as he did the same thing on Mother's Day.. commondeared our 2 sons to help one of his friends. So feeling annoyed I decided to go outside and weed a little and calm down. Well he followed me out and started telling me how to weed. I said Don't you have something to do because I am busy right now and I don't like anyone in my lane. Not sure if this was an appropriate response or a slip.
Iamhere said
May 31, 2018
Oh ... I can relate...I do the best I can to practice the pause and respond vs. react but am an imperfect human! (((Hugs))) to us all - I am one who believes that our program was designed knowing 'life' would happen and therefore gave us the steps to reflect, make amends and then return to practicing these principles in all our affairs.
Self-awareness for me is such a gift....today, I feel that 'ick' described above much sooner and can right my wrongs when needed. The only way I too know how to regroup is to realign with recovery.
SerenityRUS said
Jun 3, 2018
Big HUGS .. when I attended open meetings I used to joke it's a good thing we didn't get a coin for our program because I would get it and give it back 20x a day probably way more in the beginning of Alanon for me.
I didn't do better until I knew better and I still struggle on specific weeks. It is much better.
That's why I keep coming back .. be gentle with yourself and move forward.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 3, 2018
((((Holly73))))
It's been 9 months out from under the "Crazy Train" for me, and I am just now seeing progress in situations you are describing. Be kind to yourself, realize it's Progress NOT Perfection, and move forward.
YOU GOT THIS!
canadianguy said
Jun 6, 2018
Awesome, honest, real post Holly....
Remember to hug yourself, and remind you that "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time", and then move on. We all have those slips to be sure, they are part of our learning process, and then we put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, and take things one day at a time....
Hugs
Tom
Bo said
Jun 6, 2018
Thank you for posting this Holly...our slips are just that, slips. It's like slipping when walking -- a little glitch, hitch, kind of thing, and if we have "good balance" it's a quick little thing. Our slips are common, and it's easy to slip. Not to compare, but for the alcoholic/addict, it's black and white -- either you drank or you didn't. Either you used or you didn't. Slip, relapse, I get it. For us -- it's not so black and white. For me, my slip could be a thought, an idea, an itch to say or do something. I asked my friend who is in AA, how long have you been clean and sober. He said 24 years. He asked me how long have I been clean and sober from my disease, my sickness, my "stuff" so to speak. I looked at my watch and said 12 hours! Why? Having dinner last night with my daughter, she brought up her mother. She made an innocent comment about her mother "getting back from the weekend" -- that's all, in passing, an innocent, meaning nothing comment. My first thought -- where did she go, who was involved, was she sneaking away with this ex, fling, person who was in and out of her life over the course of 10 years, who is a criminal, addict, user, con man, and so on. See my slip!?!?!? There it is. I caught it, after a few seconds, and realized -- I am grateful she is not in my life and I've moved on.
In your case, yes, I get it made the situation worse. Of course it didn't solve anything. When I used to do that, and I did it a lot -- I learned that was me "enabling" (not in the traditional sense) and even more that was me "perpetuating" -- that was my role, my contribution. I was contributing to the drama, chaos, turmoil, hostility, fighting, etc. My ex was thriving on it, and I fed into it. That's on me! So, it is common to do great work, detach, not enable, not get sucked in, get better, and so on -- and then BANG!!! A slip.
So, here's the answer...go gentle unto yourself!!! Do not beat yourself up. Move on. Let it go. When I did this, I apologized. A simple, short, concise apology. That's it. And when my wife used to bring up my "explosion" -- I would say "I am not going to get into this with you right now, it's over, and I am not going to re-hash everything, I've moved on." And, when she said "well, I haven't moved on" and kept going that I did this and I did that...I would simply say, I am sorry you feel that way. Or I might say, I understand your point/feelings. It happened less and less as time went on -- because I continue to go to meetings. I don't ever "stop" and then go back if something happens. Going to meetings regularly -- minimum 3 days a week -- is part of my life. I also didn't get caught up in the hope -- because there can be a fine line between hope and some unhealthy things. Very detrimental things. Like denial. Like accepting unacceptable behavior. I didn't want to hope for the rest of my life, and just keep giving out an endless supply of one more chance or one last chance.
mamakat71 said
Jun 9, 2018
I had a big slip today. Everything said between us turned into a fight until I chose to pull myself out of the situation with the AH and go to bed. He hasn't found a meeting (the one today didn't exist) and he is making no contact with anyone from detox so I am mad, hurt and angry that he isn't trying harder and no sorry from him at all. He doesn't think I deserve any sorry's because he doesn't remember anything and I am just being emotional. He even said I was making it difficult for him to stay sober. So am I slipping? Am I feeding into the chaos? Why isn't it ok for me to want an apology? Why shouldn't I want him to make things better? I don't want to hear its because he has alcoholic thinking, how about some human compassion for others, especially me. He says I am not supportive enough and something I read on this post rings true to me...are we supposed to just be an endless supply of chances for them and we get whatever they can? Is that all I matter? I almost posted with the topic of take it or leave it because that's what I feel I am being offered. Anyone else feel that at times? Was hoping to have a better day, but honestly this weekend sucks like so many have and I don't even know what I want or need.
Kat
SerenityRUS said
Jun 9, 2018
MK .. I hope you find a meeting it makes a HUGE difference .. you are not alone. Regardless if he is drinking or not having support for you is huge .. you aren't going to get it from an active alcoholic.
(((((Holly))))) ...There!!! if you don't give yourself hugs...let some of us do it and then forgive yourself and jump into recovery memory for verification. "We are not saints". "It's about progress...not perfection". **Let go and Let God** (both for the alcoholic and for the victims of our disease) and there are more in our memories if we have been working the program.
I know what you went thru....been there...done that until I learned not to do that which I get to practice over again when I forget and get caught off guard by my thoughts, feelings and memory. I can add to the lessons and create wider, stronger, more useful lessons after getting to the meetings, getting with my sponsor, using the literature and then practicing, practicing, practicing that which I am learning, keeping my mind, heart and spirit open to the presence of HP.
Slips for me means that I have forgotten the practice for just a while and that it is temporary and as long as my willingness to keep my recovery. I slip and will slip as long as I have the opportunity to accept my humanness. Then I keep working and remember the successes. When we slip we get back up and thank God for the opportunities to live, learn and help and just for today we continue on.
In my recovery I do not discount my ability and opportunity to help others and always question them after about what I have offered..."How did that work out for you"? and then listen, listen, listen.
Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
This is not an easy road that we walk and beating ourselves up for reverting back to old tools although understandable is not acceptable I found at times such as you encountered, a telephone call to an alanon member instead of using old tools helped tremendously. Checking out a meeting schedule and coming to this Board is also an option
Loved your definition of HOPE-- "Hold on pain ends " Had not heard that one before however it is so true
I know how I feel, and assume your feelings are similar. (Maybe they aren't.)
Congrats to getting back to your program mindset, It is SO helpful for me.
I know of no other way back to the person I can admire.
Self-awareness for me is such a gift....today, I feel that 'ick' described above much sooner and can right my wrongs when needed. The only way I too know how to regroup is to realign with recovery.
I didn't do better until I knew better and I still struggle on specific weeks. It is much better.
That's why I keep coming back .. be gentle with yourself and move forward.
Hugs S :)
It's been 9 months out from under the "Crazy Train" for me, and I am just now seeing progress in situations you are describing. Be kind to yourself, realize it's Progress NOT Perfection, and move forward.
YOU GOT THIS!
Awesome, honest, real post Holly....
Remember to hug yourself, and remind you that "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time", and then move on. We all have those slips to be sure, they are part of our learning process, and then we put one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, and take things one day at a time....
Hugs
Tom
In your case, yes, I get it made the situation worse. Of course it didn't solve anything. When I used to do that, and I did it a lot -- I learned that was me "enabling" (not in the traditional sense) and even more that was me "perpetuating" -- that was my role, my contribution. I was contributing to the drama, chaos, turmoil, hostility, fighting, etc. My ex was thriving on it, and I fed into it. That's on me! So, it is common to do great work, detach, not enable, not get sucked in, get better, and so on -- and then BANG!!! A slip.
So, here's the answer...go gentle unto yourself!!! Do not beat yourself up. Move on. Let it go. When I did this, I apologized. A simple, short, concise apology. That's it. And when my wife used to bring up my "explosion" -- I would say "I am not going to get into this with you right now, it's over, and I am not going to re-hash everything, I've moved on." And, when she said "well, I haven't moved on" and kept going that I did this and I did that...I would simply say, I am sorry you feel that way. Or I might say, I understand your point/feelings. It happened less and less as time went on -- because I continue to go to meetings. I don't ever "stop" and then go back if something happens. Going to meetings regularly -- minimum 3 days a week -- is part of my life. I also didn't get caught up in the hope -- because there can be a fine line between hope and some unhealthy things. Very detrimental things. Like denial. Like accepting unacceptable behavior. I didn't want to hope for the rest of my life, and just keep giving out an endless supply of one more chance or one last chance.
I had a big slip today. Everything said between us turned into a fight until I chose to pull myself out of the situation with the AH and go to bed. He hasn't found a meeting (the one today didn't exist) and he is making no contact with anyone from detox so I am mad, hurt and angry that he isn't trying harder and no sorry from him at all. He doesn't think I deserve any sorry's because he doesn't remember anything and I am just being emotional. He even said I was making it difficult for him to stay sober. So am I slipping? Am I feeding into the chaos? Why isn't it ok for me to want an apology? Why shouldn't I want him to make things better? I don't want to hear its because he has alcoholic thinking, how about some human compassion for others, especially me. He says I am not supportive enough and something I read on this post rings true to me...are we supposed to just be an endless supply of chances for them and we get whatever they can? Is that all I matter? I almost posted with the topic of take it or leave it because that's what I feel I am being offered. Anyone else feel that at times? Was hoping to have a better day, but honestly this weekend sucks like so many have and I don't even know what I want or need.
Kat
Hugs S :)