This past weekend, I finally stepped out and said I am doing this alone! I went camping alone. I returned yesterday and I was so proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and taking care of me. I live alone with my adult daughter and I am adjusting to a new lifestyle. I was in fact grateful that I did not have to to tolerate drama or being around a person that is not stable. I was grateful all I had to do was cook and clean up after me only! Its now been 6 months since the alcoholic was taken out of the home by the police for holding me under unlawful confinement while under a drunken state. I have been accessing the service of a therapist, Domestic violence group support group, a psychiatrist, AA and al-anon. I am amazed how far I have come in the past 6 months. The post traumatic stress disorder has gone down a lot and I feel mentally better. I even experience sanity at times and it feels great. I did try dating but that short lived relationship I did have was not good for me. I am again grateful that its over and I am alone again! I feel I learned a lot. I have one huge road block to over come yet. I have to attend court June 7 to testify against the ex-bf as to what he had done. I feel so afraid to see him and have to testify about what he did and relive the nightmare again. I have been trying so hard to take things one day at a time, one minute at a time and to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep accessing my support systems. As the days come closer to the court date, I am seeing the need to focus completely on recovery and accessing all the help and positive experiences and words I can receive! I am trying so hard not to obsess and think of the outcome. I am not god, I have to remember, it will be what it will be and to trust god with the outcome. I have been praying like mad to keep my sanity and calm and doing god's will. I am like take things one day at a time. Do what is in your best interest. What is your best interest? What helps you? These things are what keeping me going right now.              

As well, I am trying to redefine myself, who am I? what makes me happy? What makes me feel content? Am I lonely? If I am why? What am I missing? What do I need? I miss having a boyfriend but I realize, I do not want to deal with another alcoholics drama. Its so draining and unstable and I have had enough of drama and insanity. When I really get honest with myself is what I miss is having a partner, a friend a good man I can depend on, a companion, but I realize I get emotionally connected fast when I feel attracted to a man and that is not good for me and I end up insane and obsessed. I have work to do on me still so I can be a friend not a crazy insane, obsessed woman. I am learning how to be my own best friend. What would a best friend do, say, think, protect?

Right now being single and alone, I find the hardest challenge is having to do things alone and depending on myself to meet my needs and wants. It gets hard at times as I do not have a lot of close friends I can depend on. I have always been a loner and I need to change that and step out and make real honest, caring friends that are there and not obsessed with their drinking and being insane. I find being alone, I can observe better and say is this person safe? sane? addicted? a drunk? abusive? I have to stop desiring having a man in my life so much and just keep the focus on me and if it means I have to do things alone, that is Ok. Its better than tolerating insanity and abuse. I am learning so slowly, what makes me happy? What do I need? What do I want? 

I am now 52 years now now and I feel I am just starting my life over again. I feel this time however, I am more aware of what I want and need and what I will accept and not. I am getting there and I am thankful for all the leanings I am receiving. If it means I live alone and do fun activities alone, that is Ok. I at least do not have to tolerate pain and suffering because of having a drunk present. I have started painting and that helps me process my racing thoughts and feelings. It helps. I have as well being thinking, what have I go to offer? Is what I have to offer to a relationship, sane, stable, consistent? If not, I have work to do to become who I am to be. I want a relationship but I am not sure I am ready or want to endure the pain of rejection again. It hurts to much and I have had enough pain when it comes to having an intimate relationship. I am back to take it day by day, moment by moment and let god deal with the outcome. 

I am grateful today and I have to stop the self pity mode and focus on all the good! I read the forum on line here and I read some of the struggles of the members with their alcoholic and I say, thank you god for m y quite, drama free life that I have created. I am beyond grateful as I endured hell with the alcoholic bf for 3 years and it got very, very bad. I am slowly making progress forward. 

I just wanted to share my development and say thank you to all of you for being here for me. I have a family that loves and accept me and when I think about it, I am not alone!     

((Joker)) thank you for such an inspiring post. i am pleased that you have availed yourself of the support systems and have developed new coping tools. I understand the being alone and needing to change. Over 35 years ago i was almost in the same place. Life keeps challenging me as long as I practice recovery. For example, tomorrow my partner of over 30 years is moving in. I will practice the 11th Step and pray for HP's will and the power to carry it out.
You are doing fine.