hi,this is my first post. My mom was a Raging Alcholic and still is. She was also a mean narcissist. I am 47. I have come to terms and built my strength through hard work but my issue that plagues me is in relationships. I fell in love with a new woman. We are really in love and getting along so well. No drama. She is not always the best communicator but is honest. i have such sever trust issues. If I feel she lying, I will have such bad anxiety, paranoia and depression. I spiral and believe her one second she is being honest and then the next second I feel she is be deceitful or playing games. It takes away from my work and interferes in the relationship. What advise can doyou have to find balance. Since it was my mother who would be deceitful to me and I could never trust her and she went out of her way to make sure I felt like shit and would turn into nothing in life. I became extremely successful in my business but Every time I fall in love these issues take over.
thanks
a4l said
May 26, 2018
I am impressed by your awareness and that you are stopping to question whether the reaction you are having is a response to the actual person or is a response to an old wound.
I can relate to superimposing old survival mechanisms onto new situations where I felt under threat. It was--and when it arises, still is--very confusing.
I don't think there is any shortcut to this. The healing needs to take place. Until that happens, most everything scratches the old wound. In my own experience, I was walking around with one in particular for many years, and then came back into Alanon which was very needed. It raised lots of things to the surface for personal analysis. So I made my way into a counselling session, three of them I think, which I didn't find particularly enjoyable and with a counsellor I thought was not especially good. But we got the job done enough, which was in my case to grieve out loud. It was not pleasant. But it was necessary to my healing process and was a lot easier at the end than all the years walking around with the buried alive feelings. I wouldn't have got that far without the support of a fellowship and the stepwork of alanon.
Well that's my twenty cents worth anyway. Glad you stopped by, and take care.
DavidG said
May 26, 2018
Hi Joji...
reaching out, and opening your mouth [in a manner of speaking] is a good first step...
oh my! What a backlog of confusion and mistrust! Taking things one day at a time- one moment at a time would be my way forward... ...
hotrod said
May 26, 2018
Welcome Jack, you are not alone. Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. Growing up with the disease of alcoholism causes many to develop negative coping tools that need to changed.
AlAnon is a recovery program for family members that offers healthy new tools to live by and a supportive network of folks who truly understand. I suggest that you check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Please do keep coming back here as well There is hope
Jojijung said
May 26, 2018
Thank you so much for everyoneâs support. I need to make big changes so donât ruin my relationships and drive my self nuts as well
hotrod said
May 26, 2018
You can and will if you attend alanon and keep being so honest.
Tude said
May 27, 2018
Hi J. Welcome to MIP. Yes, you certainly nailed your feelings and thoughts. I have struggled with this all my life in relationships. From my parents alcohol and anger issues, I seemed to find my way into relationships much the same. You are certainly in the right place. There is hope. When those feelings hit out of nowhere today, I can use the tools in alanon and stop long enough to really assess what is going on. Those feelings are awful to say the least. Since working the steps and staying with this program, I have learned/am learning to separate what is really happening from what is not. They are brief thoughts now vs the old hanging on and tormenting ones. I can separate what is the old from the new fairly quickly.
My ex of over 30 years ago drugged me. That was a short couple year relationship but it really hammered my mind and fragmented it. I won't go into the details but suffice it to say, I carried this into my next relationship that lasted 23 years. It was so bad that if I put down my coke and left the room, I would pour it out when I realized I left it unattended even if for a moment. Even if he wasn't home..........this was also an abusive relationship. What you shared caused me to pause and wonder at my thoughts. I always wondered if he had not also been abusive, would I have thought he was capable of doing the same? Or would I still have been wounded enough to think this......it gives me something to write on and work on in this area today.
I am now in a 10+ year relationship that is very kind, yes has a few A related episodes but he has a great heart, and loves people. Since coming into Alanon I have peace most the time, my relationship is great and when the bumps in the road hit, because they will in any relationship.......I work on me in here. I don't have the off the wall feelings of wondering if he is doing something to me, etc. If he does get a bit sideways, I don't go into the old thoughts of "it's happening again." Instead I look at what is going on with myself and work on me to keep growing and learning.
I hope you keep coming back! God used this fellowship and everyone in it to save my life, relationships and learn who I am. Being raised in an alcoholic home where there is no safety, no consistency, carries over into all lives effected by the alcoholic.
hi,this is my first post. My mom was a Raging Alcholic and still is. She was also a mean narcissist. I am 47. I have come to terms and built my strength through hard work but my issue that plagues me is in relationships. I fell in love with a new woman. We are really in love and getting along so well. No drama. She is not always the best communicator but is honest. i have such sever trust issues. If I feel she lying, I will have such bad anxiety, paranoia and depression. I spiral and believe her one second she is being honest and then the next second I feel she is be deceitful or playing games. It takes away from my work and interferes in the relationship. What advise can doyou have to find balance. Since it was my mother who would be deceitful to me and I could never trust her and she went out of her way to make sure I felt like shit and would turn into nothing in life. I became extremely successful in my business but Every time I fall in love these issues take over.
thanks
I am impressed by your awareness and that you are stopping to question whether the reaction you are having is a response to the actual person or is a response to an old wound.
I can relate to superimposing old survival mechanisms onto new situations where I felt under threat. It was--and when it arises, still is--very confusing.
I don't think there is any shortcut to this. The healing needs to take place. Until that happens, most everything scratches the old wound. In my own experience, I was walking around with one in particular for many years, and then came back into Alanon which was very needed. It raised lots of things to the surface for personal analysis. So I made my way into a counselling session, three of them I think, which I didn't find particularly enjoyable and with a counsellor I thought was not especially good. But we got the job done enough, which was in my case to grieve out loud. It was not pleasant. But it was necessary to my healing process and was a lot easier at the end than all the years walking around with the buried alive feelings. I wouldn't have got that far without the support of a fellowship and the stepwork of alanon.
Well that's my twenty cents worth anyway. Glad you stopped by, and take care.
Hi Joji...
reaching out, and opening your mouth [in a manner of speaking] is a good first step...
oh my! What a backlog of confusion and mistrust! Taking things one day at a time- one moment at a time would be my way forward...
...
Welcome Jack, you are not alone. Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease over which we are powerless. Growing up with the disease of alcoholism causes many to develop negative coping tools that need to changed.
AlAnon is a recovery program for family members that offers healthy new tools to live by and a supportive network of folks who truly understand. I suggest that you check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend.
Please do keep coming back here as well There is hope
My ex of over 30 years ago drugged me. That was a short couple year relationship but it really hammered my mind and fragmented it. I won't go into the details but suffice it to say, I carried this into my next relationship that lasted 23 years. It was so bad that if I put down my coke and left the room, I would pour it out when I realized I left it unattended even if for a moment. Even if he wasn't home..........this was also an abusive relationship. What you shared caused me to pause and wonder at my thoughts. I always wondered if he had not also been abusive, would I have thought he was capable of doing the same? Or would I still have been wounded enough to think this......it gives me something to write on and work on in this area today.
I am now in a 10+ year relationship that is very kind, yes has a few A related episodes but he has a great heart, and loves people. Since coming into Alanon I have peace most the time, my relationship is great and when the bumps in the road hit, because they will in any relationship.......I work on me in here. I don't have the off the wall feelings of wondering if he is doing something to me, etc. If he does get a bit sideways, I don't go into the old thoughts of "it's happening again." Instead I look at what is going on with myself and work on me to keep growing and learning.
I hope you keep coming back! God used this fellowship and everyone in it to save my life, relationships and learn who I am. Being raised in an alcoholic home where there is no safety, no consistency, carries over into all lives effected by the alcoholic.
Hugs!