I haven't seen my family since February (they are in Holland and I am in London, not a great deal of water in between but still) and as next week is a half term for my eldest I was hoping to visit my family back home and get some more scrumptious Dutch food while I am there.
Now our finances haven't been doing well for months and I've been trying to save them whichever way I can. Either through my savings or the profit of the house and still it goes bad because my not so recovering alcoholic husband spends a lot of money on himself and recently has been putting his drinking money on a credit card which I can't see or access and yesterday in couples counselling he felt guilty for what he has created and said it's not a small amount even though I helped him pay the last bill off (£1000).
I am now of the opinion that I shouldn't visit my family next week as it's the cost of the boat (£105) and other things we will be doing there when we have the car MOT coming, road tax for a year, we're already starting with debt, the girls need summer clothes and shoes, the last half of the camping trip needs to be paid for (I paid for the first half) and some other things which are coming such as couples therapy. SO by not going I am being the responsible adult here by not making things worse than the already are. Of course not happy about not going to my family but what can I do?
My sister says that I should do what I want and if I want to see my family than I should just do it. My husband doesn't look at money and just spends spends spends so why am I not doing things for myself (I am but they don't cost a huge amount of money). The girls don't really want to stay in England for holiday they want to go and see my parents, my sister, her husband and my niece. They love it in the Netherlands so it's difficult enough every time we leave. My husband has taken the time off so he could come as well but I have a real problem justifying the trip and the extra money it will cost when the accounts are already struggling and even more so after my husbands little confession last night.
The therapist did suggest opening an account for my husband and have money in there every 2 weeks he can use and the account won't have an overdraft but my husband is the sole earner at the moment is very unwilling to be told what to do with 'his' money (this behaviour comes out when he is drunk, he showed more humility last night but still was unwilling to entertain the idea). the therapist explained why it would be a good idea and him and his wife did the same thing when he was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. It's a fight I will have with my husband again at some point because he is wasting everything and more. He's never looked at his spending behaviour. Used to have 6 credit cards all with massive overdrafts. He doesn't have them anymore but in my opinion he needs to go to a money management course.
Mattie said
May 24, 2018
In my experience they can't even begin to address the spending until they're solid in recovery. And in my experience, sometimes when they stop drinking, they start spending even more, because spending is the new compulsion. (Or increased compulsion.)
It's tough when he's the only earner in the family. It sounds like some financial problems are looming. I'm not sure that merely not seeing your family will be enough to make sure you have enough money to keep things going.
I don't know your situation, but I think if I were in this situation, I'd find a way to have my own income, and then I'd separate finances. I never did combine finances with my A, because even though I didn't know he was an A when we got together, it was clear that he was a lavish spender. And I work hard enough for my money that I didn't want to see it pour out the door on all the things he spent money on. Marrying him turned out to be a big mess, but the one thing I did right was to keep my own bank accounts and my own money. He ended up going bankrupt owing $90,000+.
A bonus to having your own money would be that you could visit your family and that yummy food without wondering if you are spending the money you'll need to live on.
I often think that we should never put our well-being in the hands of an A.
Hope you will take good care of yourself.
Dutchy said
May 24, 2018
That's exactly the reason I had an interview for online teaching this morning and all going well later today I might be able to work around the girls (early morning, late at night and weekends, the girls will watch a lot of movies) to earn some more money. Going out to earn money doesn't stack up with the childcare I need for 2 children and breakfast and after school clubs for the eldest.
We don't have that many debts at the moment but I can see it going down and I don't want to make the 'injury' by spending quite a bit of money to get myself to Holland and have a good time myself. I was at least clever enough to have the profit of the house we sold come into my personal account which my husband can't reach. If anything I have that for now.
My husband has always done and bought whatever he wanted. He was a bachelor before me with a big salary so he didn't need to watch it but children and then alcoholism came along and it went wrong. Now he doesn't think about anything.
SerenityRUS said
May 24, 2018
Dutchy .. I know non addict people meaning the is no addiction and they can't be financially responsible .. that's the issue of knowing where the money is going. This is a situation to me and based on my experience your financial health comes first if that means you get a job and bank that money as long as you can 2 things happen .. u have a leg up on survival as a single parent. The worst part about my split was my x's ambivalence about paying anything it was "his" money .. "that's not how he wanted to spend it". Asshat x 10000000 .. now part of his sick thinking .. or not .. irrelevant .. to me I'm not the virgin Mary i didn't give birth to the second coming and anti christ at the same time lol. For me .. as mom .. our survival is first .. the A is going to do what they will do .. it's my job to be sure we are ok .. AND I make men uncomfortable especially ones who do not do right financially for their families. Now that's me .. and I promise my ex is learning to leave me alone .. I am very passionate about the issue of support and deadbeat parents .. not ok. Big hugs .. put yourself first financially an active A is not concerned about that .. their focus is the next feel good. Big hugs .. S :)
Freetime said
May 24, 2018
Dutchy, I'm so glad you are looking into the online teaching job. I hope it works out for you. The is a one-step-at-a-time journey, and that sounds like a great step.
Just a thought, Would your family help with some of the travel expenses to go to Holland? Maybe they want to see you as much as you want to see them. And then in the future when your financial situation is stronger you could do something nice for them. At times like what you are going through, a mini-vacation was very healing and empowering for me, as an investment in my mental health.
Bo said
May 24, 2018
Nothing changes if nothing changes. That statement is about YOU. It has nothing to do with the other person.
My sponsor told me -- it's not about the text, the voicemail, the vacation, dinner, the laundry, the lie, the truth, the analysis, or anything else...other than...it is about YOU.
Dutchy said
May 24, 2018
Hi Freetime, yes they often do help m out or pay for the trip. I always spend my time with my parents so I don't have to hotel costs which makes a huge difference but brcause it's also a bit of a holiday, and definitely healing, I do always spend more money when I am back home.
I've just done my training in the online classroom. It doesn't earn enough to really sustain me and the girls as I don't have the time to make the hours and the hourly rate is quite a bit lower than face to face teaching but it's a start I guess.
-- Edited by Dutchy on Thursday 24th of May 2018 11:11:01 AM
Iamhere said
May 24, 2018
I support separate finances - we have his, mine and ours. Of the three, mine is the largest simply because I am thrifty and a financial person. My AH wants, buys, the end. I did earn my own money before retiring. I'm able to support my wants/needs from my savings and pay our bills from 'ours'. It just was better when we got together, plus I had been married before, and made the mistake of 'adding' my first husband to my savings account. When we divorced, our state considered that a gift and he got half....I learned the hard way.
There are always ways to earn money. Sell unwanted items, have a garage sale/neighborhood sale or the like. If you are held hostage at home by small children, do daycare for other parents. It pays quite well here in the states. Again, I'm thrifty so never pay retail for anything at any time. I rarely eat out as I eat clean so save a ton there. If you can't find a way to earn, then find a way to cut back. There are also legal ways here in the states to separate debt even while married but separated. Convincing him to take a finance class may be a departure from your side of the street, but there's nothing that says you can't. They are helpful even for the thriftiest people and might be available online. There are legit. work from home jobs out there too.
Short term, I agree with the idea of 'asking for help' from family. Sending thoughts and prayers your way - it's not easy when finances are in disarray. (((Hugs)))
Tude said
May 25, 2018
Dutchy, my XAG, went from alcohol into compulsive gambling. I had no idea what he made. I learned later that he was going thru over $80,000 a year. I was homeschooling at the time. The teaching you are looking into, opens other doors should that need come. I went to work for the county womens shelter. It didn't pay much but the doors it opened at that time helped me navigate the kids, build more self esteem and later get into a higher paying job. I agree with everyone on the ESH's. Take care of you. He may not be there to rely on either. The suggesting financial counseling.........I stepped into that and looking back was a huge mistake. I couldn't change him. The addictions had him. I just had myself and my kids to look after.
I'm glad you are looking into ways to earn an income. Our situation became so bad I was just outright crazy for a time. I knew he wasn't drinking 95% of the time. I knew he wasn't using drugs, altho he acted like he was using everything......my 10 year old son had climbed into the attic and found large black trash bags filled with scratch tickets, lotto tickets and checkbooks. It was a battle to keep food in the house until things became apparent and I finally knew what was going on. You're looking ahead and that's awesome!!!
Hugs!!!
Dutchy said
May 25, 2018
It's the cigarettes and lunches he buys that cost a fortune. £11 a packet!!!!! For something that kills you. I never smoked, I don't drink band never did drugs.
Had a confusing day seeing our daughters therapist, mine for the last time and my pastor. I'll work through it.
My sister and I are having a discussion.
I haven't seen my family since February (they are in Holland and I am in London, not a great deal of water in between but still) and as next week is a half term for my eldest I was hoping to visit my family back home and get some more scrumptious Dutch food while I am there.
Now our finances haven't been doing well for months and I've been trying to save them whichever way I can. Either through my savings or the profit of the house and still it goes bad because my not so recovering alcoholic husband spends a lot of money on himself and recently has been putting his drinking money on a credit card which I can't see or access and yesterday in couples counselling he felt guilty for what he has created and said it's not a small amount even though I helped him pay the last bill off (£1000).
I am now of the opinion that I shouldn't visit my family next week as it's the cost of the boat (£105) and other things we will be doing there when we have the car MOT coming, road tax for a year, we're already starting with debt, the girls need summer clothes and shoes, the last half of the camping trip needs to be paid for (I paid for the first half) and some other things which are coming such as couples therapy. SO by not going I am being the responsible adult here by not making things worse than the already are. Of course not happy about not going to my family but what can I do?
My sister says that I should do what I want and if I want to see my family than I should just do it. My husband doesn't look at money and just spends spends spends so why am I not doing things for myself (I am but they don't cost a huge amount of money). The girls don't really want to stay in England for holiday they want to go and see my parents, my sister, her husband and my niece. They love it in the Netherlands so it's difficult enough every time we leave. My husband has taken the time off so he could come as well but I have a real problem justifying the trip and the extra money it will cost when the accounts are already struggling and even more so after my husbands little confession last night.
The therapist did suggest opening an account for my husband and have money in there every 2 weeks he can use and the account won't have an overdraft but my husband is the sole earner at the moment is very unwilling to be told what to do with 'his' money (this behaviour comes out when he is drunk, he showed more humility last night but still was unwilling to entertain the idea). the therapist explained why it would be a good idea and him and his wife did the same thing when he was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. It's a fight I will have with my husband again at some point because he is wasting everything and more. He's never looked at his spending behaviour. Used to have 6 credit cards all with massive overdrafts. He doesn't have them anymore but in my opinion he needs to go to a money management course.
In my experience they can't even begin to address the spending until they're solid in recovery. And in my experience, sometimes when they stop drinking, they start spending even more, because spending is the new compulsion. (Or increased compulsion.)
It's tough when he's the only earner in the family. It sounds like some financial problems are looming. I'm not sure that merely not seeing your family will be enough to make sure you have enough money to keep things going.
I don't know your situation, but I think if I were in this situation, I'd find a way to have my own income, and then I'd separate finances. I never did combine finances with my A, because even though I didn't know he was an A when we got together, it was clear that he was a lavish spender. And I work hard enough for my money that I didn't want to see it pour out the door on all the things he spent money on. Marrying him turned out to be a big mess, but the one thing I did right was to keep my own bank accounts and my own money. He ended up going bankrupt owing $90,000+.
A bonus to having your own money would be that you could visit your family and that yummy food without wondering if you are spending the money you'll need to live on.
I often think that we should never put our well-being in the hands of an A.
Hope you will take good care of yourself.
We don't have that many debts at the moment but I can see it going down and I don't want to make the 'injury' by spending quite a bit of money to get myself to Holland and have a good time myself. I was at least clever enough to have the profit of the house we sold come into my personal account which my husband can't reach. If anything I have that for now.
My husband has always done and bought whatever he wanted. He was a bachelor before me with a big salary so he didn't need to watch it but children and then alcoholism came along and it went wrong. Now he doesn't think about anything.
Just a thought, Would your family help with some of the travel expenses to go to Holland? Maybe they want to see you as much as you want to see them. And then in the future when your financial situation is stronger you could do something nice for them. At times like what you are going through, a mini-vacation was very healing and empowering for me, as an investment in my mental health.
My sponsor told me -- it's not about the text, the voicemail, the vacation, dinner, the laundry, the lie, the truth, the analysis, or anything else...other than...it is about YOU.
Hi Freetime, yes they often do help m out or pay for the trip. I always spend my time with my parents so I don't have to hotel costs which makes a huge difference but brcause it's also a bit of a holiday, and definitely healing, I do always spend more money when I am back home.
I've just done my training in the online classroom. It doesn't earn enough to really sustain me and the girls as I don't have the time to make the hours and the hourly rate is quite a bit lower than face to face teaching but it's a start I guess.
-- Edited by Dutchy on Thursday 24th of May 2018 11:11:01 AM
There are always ways to earn money. Sell unwanted items, have a garage sale/neighborhood sale or the like. If you are held hostage at home by small children, do daycare for other parents. It pays quite well here in the states. Again, I'm thrifty so never pay retail for anything at any time. I rarely eat out as I eat clean so save a ton there. If you can't find a way to earn, then find a way to cut back. There are also legal ways here in the states to separate debt even while married but separated. Convincing him to take a finance class may be a departure from your side of the street, but there's nothing that says you can't. They are helpful even for the thriftiest people and might be available online. There are legit. work from home jobs out there too.
Short term, I agree with the idea of 'asking for help' from family. Sending thoughts and prayers your way - it's not easy when finances are in disarray. (((Hugs)))
I'm glad you are looking into ways to earn an income. Our situation became so bad I was just outright crazy for a time. I knew he wasn't drinking 95% of the time. I knew he wasn't using drugs, altho he acted like he was using everything......my 10 year old son had climbed into the attic and found large black trash bags filled with scratch tickets, lotto tickets and checkbooks. It was a battle to keep food in the house until things became apparent and I finally knew what was going on. You're looking ahead and that's awesome!!!
Hugs!!!
Had a confusing day seeing our daughters therapist, mine for the last time and my pastor. I'll work through it.