Talking to young children about parentsā behavior
Holly73 said
May 22, 2018
Hello...and thank you to everyone for all their wonderful posts and comments. I read them everyday and while I very rarely post, Iām so thankful for this board.
Iām wondering how people handle talking to young children about a parentās behavior? I am thankful that my three young children do not see their father drunk, as he is a bar drinker and gets home late, but they do see his anger and rage the next morning, usually directed at me (verbally) and sometimes them (again, verbally). It is scary and confusing them because they adore their father and want to do everything like him (oh my!) and to see him like that is not the father they know and love.
I am so very grateful to this program that I now have tools for handling these situations...where I used to get pulled into his anger, I know can detach and remind myself he is sick and I am powerless over these outbursts.
However the children do not have these tools and I think it would be helpful to talk to them about it so it seems less scary and confusing but I donāt know the appropriate way to do so.
Thank you and have a wonderful day!
Dutchy said
May 22, 2018
Hi Holly73,
We have 3 young children. 5,4 and 22 months. The youngest is not really aware of what is going on and I've noticed lately that she doesn't even know her father that well and gravitates towards me where the older two are ecstatic when they see their father.
A little background, my husbands drinking became a problem 4 years ago. Sneaky, emotionally abusive. We spent nights at friends houses or days out of the house as to not let the girls see their father unconscious on the sofa or verbally abusive towards me and them. Unfortunately I haven't always been able to stop them from seeing or hearing things especially not at the end of all of it. they've also see their father have seizures due to his drinking (his drinking caused him frontal lobe brain damage) . Our GP sounded the alarm in January this year (we were supposed to move to the Netherlands but at the last minute the transfer was delayed and we are unfortunately still in England).
Anyway it finally convinced my husband to go into rehab and it was just me and the girls. I sat them down, asked them about what they thought of daddy and if they noticed that daddy sometimes wasn't very well. They knew a lot more than I thought and they definitely knew the word 'vodka' which I didn't think they knew. they hear, see and feel more than you and I know. I then told them that daddy went into the hospital so he could get better and that we wouldn't see daddy for 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks there was a definite change in them. They were more relaxed, no tension, their behaviours were calmer, my eldest wasn't as controlling or shouting. She would often break out into such rage and tears over nothing. It was sad to see her not cope with her thoughts and feelings.
When my husband got out of rehab he moved in with his mum (his choice) so I told the girls that because daddy needs to heal a bit more and wants to make us proud he is going to live with his mummy for a bit until he is well enough to come home.
In this time (now 5 months later), the eldest girls have shown a lot of their feelings and had a lot of questions regarding their daddy and I've always answered them honestly. I don't see the point in telling them something else. They love their dad, they've seen his behaviour and (apparently) heard him too. Maybe it's because I am Dutch or maybe because I grew up in a close family where things were always talked through, listened to and answered honestly but I think they deserve the truth.
They may be small human beings but they have more knowledge then we sometimes give them credit for.
Jerry F said
May 22, 2018
Aloha Holly. This disease is no respecter of others no matter the age or gender and when and if it could it will support "taking sides" with parents. It will support acting out against the victim parent and it will create large cracks and fizzures between members of the family. Alcoholism is defined as cunning powerful and baffling and what the disease causes in the family right up to and including the non-drinkers. Alcoholism is rightly termed and fatal disease even up to and including the non-drinker.
I am a former family and young family member therapist and one of the strongest tools for their recovery was the voices of young people (children) in recovery. There is a program called Alateen for those youngsters 12 years of age and up and the power in that recovery was to hear and see the youngsters hear their own voices about what they fell and think. I was a "listener" and encouraged (not forces) my young clients to speak their own experiences and thoughts and wishes. Very much like an Alanon meeting for midgets (LOL) I love them cause they would teach me also.
Yes and listening to them is so very much as important than talking to them. If you can remember what it was like growing up in this disease and/or with its difficulties then you know where they are at and can share on their level. Please keep coming back. In support. (((((hugs)))))
andromeda said
May 22, 2018
Welcome and glad you are here. Honestly, in hindsight, I did a poor job of protecting my son from his father's disease and the emotional fallout that ensued. But, my best suggestion is to use program, set the example using the tools learned in program, and possibly use counseling or Ala Teen for children so they can learn that they did not cause this.
I learned how to talk to my son using what I learned in program. I was open and honest with him about what we were dealing with as a family, but my son was a bit older and my XAH was a binge drinker and had mental health issues that made daily life difficult. I did the best I could but I do believe that counseling was the best thing for him and he still (at age 19) goes back to his counselor when he feels he needs it.
Hugs to you. I know how difficult this is and I pray you find peace and serenity through MIP and the Al Anon program.
ginnyc said
May 23, 2018
I think its great that you are talking to your children about this. Like a lot of us I grew up in an alcoholic home. No discussion about it, the elephant in the room. etc. I believe that is one thing that is so damaging at least in my case. I thought I was going crazy. It was so painful. Even as an adult my immediate family doesn't see why I need to talk about it or that it is even an issue! I believe you cannot build relationships or intimacy this way. I could go on but there are books written about this. Maybe your children will be so much better for your honesty and sanity. Wish you well.
Hi Holly73,
We have 3 young children. 5,4 and 22 months. The youngest is not really aware of what is going on and I've noticed lately that she doesn't even know her father that well and gravitates towards me where the older two are ecstatic when they see their father.
A little background, my husbands drinking became a problem 4 years ago. Sneaky, emotionally abusive. We spent nights at friends houses or days out of the house as to not let the girls see their father unconscious on the sofa or verbally abusive towards me and them. Unfortunately I haven't always been able to stop them from seeing or hearing things especially not at the end of all of it. they've also see their father have seizures due to his drinking (his drinking caused him frontal lobe brain damage) . Our GP sounded the alarm in January this year (we were supposed to move to the Netherlands but at the last minute the transfer was delayed and we are unfortunately still in England).
Anyway it finally convinced my husband to go into rehab and it was just me and the girls. I sat them down, asked them about what they thought of daddy and if they noticed that daddy sometimes wasn't very well. They knew a lot more than I thought and they definitely knew the word 'vodka' which I didn't think they knew. they hear, see and feel more than you and I know. I then told them that daddy went into the hospital so he could get better and that we wouldn't see daddy for 3 weeks. In those 3 weeks there was a definite change in them. They were more relaxed, no tension, their behaviours were calmer, my eldest wasn't as controlling or shouting. She would often break out into such rage and tears over nothing. It was sad to see her not cope with her thoughts and feelings.
When my husband got out of rehab he moved in with his mum (his choice) so I told the girls that because daddy needs to heal a bit more and wants to make us proud he is going to live with his mummy for a bit until he is well enough to come home.
In this time (now 5 months later), the eldest girls have shown a lot of their feelings and had a lot of questions regarding their daddy and I've always answered them honestly. I don't see the point in telling them something else. They love their dad, they've seen his behaviour and (apparently) heard him too. Maybe it's because I am Dutch or maybe because I grew up in a close family where things were always talked through, listened to and answered honestly but I think they deserve the truth.
They may be small human beings but they have more knowledge then we sometimes give them credit for.
Aloha Holly. This disease is no respecter of others no matter the age or gender and when and if it could it will support "taking sides" with parents. It will support acting out against the victim parent and it will create large cracks and fizzures between members of the family. Alcoholism is defined as cunning powerful and baffling and what the disease causes in the family right up to and including the non-drinkers. Alcoholism is rightly termed and fatal disease even up to and including the non-drinker.
I am a former family and young family member therapist and one of the strongest tools for their recovery was the voices of young people (children) in recovery. There is a program called Alateen for those youngsters 12 years of age and up and the power in that recovery was to hear and see the youngsters hear their own voices about what they fell and think. I was a "listener" and encouraged (not forces) my young clients to speak their own experiences and thoughts and wishes. Very much like an Alanon meeting for midgets (LOL) I love them cause they would teach me also.
Yes and listening to them is so very much as important than talking to them. If you can remember what it was like growing up in this disease and/or with its difficulties then you know where they are at and can share on their level. Please keep coming back. In support. (((((hugs)))))
I learned how to talk to my son using what I learned in program. I was open and honest with him about what we were dealing with as a family, but my son was a bit older and my XAH was a binge drinker and had mental health issues that made daily life difficult. I did the best I could but I do believe that counseling was the best thing for him and he still (at age 19) goes back to his counselor when he feels he needs it.
Hugs to you. I know how difficult this is and I pray you find peace and serenity through MIP and the Al Anon program.
I think its great that you are talking to your children about this. Like a lot of us I grew up in an alcoholic home. No discussion about it, the elephant in the room. etc. I believe that is one thing that is so damaging at least in my case. I thought I was going crazy. It was so painful. Even as an adult my immediate family doesn't see why I need to talk about it or that it is even an issue! I believe you cannot build relationships or intimacy this way. I could go on but there are books written about this. Maybe your children will be so much better for your honesty and sanity. Wish you well.