It's been 4 days since I ended it. A-EXBF is in hospital. I am going to visit him today. THe people around me (non alanon) don't seem to understand that while I can no longer handle the drama of an active alcoholic, the feelings of love and caring for him don't go away. I've not closed off the idea of restarting a relationship at some point in the future, but for now I need the break for focus back on me. I will have a counsellor and I've been given a key worker and I have al-anon as well. I'm using the support that is there for me rather than passive-aggressively getting angry about all the help being there for him. I feel very sad for him. I don't know where he'll go now or what he will do. He is coming round to the idea of having to quit his job which will give him no reason to be in London other than the alcohol service being here. My mum says I'm too kind hearted - which I don't think is a bad thing but I do know I need to focus more on me and how I survive this - rather than worrying about him and what his next step is.
I have spent the weekend focusing on me - I went to the theatre with my mum to see one of my favourite films (Strictly Ballroom) as a play adaptation and it did not disappoint! So many sequins!! I'm now on my own for the first time as a single woman again. not a place I wanted to ever be again and so it's a bit frightening at the moment but in reality nothing has really changed as I was alone a lot in my relationship. I need to keep focusing on the good, the moving forwards and take one day at a time.
Hope everyone else is having a lovely weekend!
Rach
Tude said
May 20, 2018
(((Mizz))) You left things open to possibly a restoration in time. You are taking good care of you:) I can relate the the frightening part of it from my past departure from XAGH. The family of the A always seems to cause more emotional distress. Too bad they are not in the program too when these things happen but........life. I'm so grateful for this program and to see you are using all tools available to you.
bud said
May 20, 2018
(((Rach))) Thank you for your inspiring share. Transitions during large change can feel awkward and uprooting... scary for sure!
Your words captured how I felt too - unable to be with him but still loved and cared. I remember so many times sitting across the dinner table with my exAH and he was completely drawn into himself, no conversation, no eye contact. I felt so alone with him. It was also scary to actually be alone without his unavailable presence at the other end of the table. In time, I adjusted and found peace.
You're doing an amazing job of working your program and keeping the focus on yourself. Sending positive thoughts.
MizzB said
May 20, 2018
Thank you both. I feel so sad and think I might cry when I see him. I think that he knows better than his family how hard it's been on me and I genuinely believe that he doesn't feel any ill will to me for doing what I had to do. In many ways we have some positives to work on as there is no hate or resentment, just fear and sadness for how it worked out. in fact it's easier not to feel the resentments and pain than when we were together, I just know I need to not let that take over and take him straight back. We need this to end for the time being at least because he needs to focus on recovery and I need to get some love back to my life - even if that love comes from me to me. I'm allowing myself the sadness, as I would at the end of any relationship and giving myself time to get back to being me.
-- Edited by MizzB on Sunday 20th of May 2018 06:09:05 AM
bud said
May 20, 2018
"...just fear and sadness for how it worked out."
Yes, this is such a dreadful disease. Continue to be good to yourself during this challenging time. It's ok to cry and feel your feelings; I think this is often a healthy way to grieve and process them. You're not alone.
hotrod said
May 20, 2018
((( MizB)))) you are doing great . It is understandable that the feeling of sadness is coming up and that you cannot discard the love and caring within your heart. You are taking care of yourself and that is extremely important. Remember you are not alone and that life keeps moving forward with new and challenging opportunities around the corner Keep an open mind Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 20th of May 2018 07:05:52 AM
Aline said
May 20, 2018
Hugs, (((Rach))). Its good you are taking care of yourself and enjoying pleasant things. I've been separated from my ex-abf almost for a year now and have stopped responding to any attempts to contact me for several weeks now, I still feel being by myself is very good for me at this time. I feel I am growing up bit by bit as I didn't make much growing up the first time around. Occasionally I slip into brief fantasies about meeting a gorgeous, gentle and, you know, perfect man for ME, the kind that doesn't exist ;). Mostly I just try and live ODAT and restore my sanity and serenity.
Iamhere said
May 20, 2018
(((MizzB))) - I too am sending you hugs, prayers and positive thoughts to you. There is never any shame in loving another person and needing to step away to reflect and learn to love/care for self. Change is hard and I believe we grieve when we make changes. Even when things are dysfunctional in life, we mourn the habits, patterns and predictable events. It's just part of existing here on this earth where we are created imperfect and working to be our best.
I too see you leaning into recovery and hope you continue to process to your journey of peace and serenity. You are not alone!
PosiesandPuppies said
May 20, 2018
Support from me as well, Mizz B!
I have been separated from my spouse for 9 months now with a divorce in the final stages. The time right after the physical separation is oh so hard on your mental psyche!
I too have family members (my support system) that didn't (and still don't) understand that I still can speak to, and don't have hatred towards my STBXH. Through Al-Anon I have come to realize that even though I can't be married to him, I don't have to hate him. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments... LOL! But I found that holding onto the anger/resentments just disrupt my peace and forward progress... so why bother?
One note however, I did find (with help of my sponsor) that having this mind-set DID make me more vulnerable to his manipulations and the games in my head those first few months. It was very important for me to be strong in my path and convictions, and if I felt I was wavering, take a step back from contact with him. My sponsor told me "When you are angry, it is easier to 'cut the cord,' with your SO, so if you have moved past the anger stage, make sure you stay strong with yourself so that you don't get manipulated back into a position you don't want to be in." Wise words for me. I have found the longer I am away, the longer I am doing things on my own, the stronger I am when it comes to interacting with my STBXH.
Also, he finally embraced sobriety and is doing so well....good for HIM! So I would imagine it makes it easier for me to deal with him too - I feel if he was still drinking/using, then this would be a different post!
Stay the course, Mizz B... work on YOU harder than ever before...don't feel guilt for having compassion for him.... DO be aware that can make you vulnerable.
Hello,
It's been 4 days since I ended it. A-EXBF is in hospital. I am going to visit him today. THe people around me (non alanon) don't seem to understand that while I can no longer handle the drama of an active alcoholic, the feelings of love and caring for him don't go away. I've not closed off the idea of restarting a relationship at some point in the future, but for now I need the break for focus back on me. I will have a counsellor and I've been given a key worker and I have al-anon as well. I'm using the support that is there for me rather than passive-aggressively getting angry about all the help being there for him. I feel very sad for him. I don't know where he'll go now or what he will do. He is coming round to the idea of having to quit his job which will give him no reason to be in London other than the alcohol service being here. My mum says I'm too kind hearted - which I don't think is a bad thing but I do know I need to focus more on me and how I survive this - rather than worrying about him and what his next step is.
I have spent the weekend focusing on me - I went to the theatre with my mum to see one of my favourite films (Strictly Ballroom) as a play adaptation and it did not disappoint! So many sequins!! I'm now on my own for the first time as a single woman again. not a place I wanted to ever be again and so it's a bit frightening at the moment but in reality nothing has really changed as I was alone a lot in my relationship. I need to keep focusing on the good, the moving forwards and take one day at a time.
Hope everyone else is having a lovely weekend!
Rach
Your words captured how I felt too - unable to be with him but still loved and cared. I remember so many times sitting across the dinner table with my exAH and he was completely drawn into himself, no conversation, no eye contact. I felt so alone with him. It was also scary to actually be alone without his unavailable presence at the other end of the table. In time, I adjusted and found peace.
You're doing an amazing job of working your program and keeping the focus on yourself. Sending positive thoughts.
Thank you both. I feel so sad and think I might cry when I see him. I think that he knows better than his family how hard it's been on me and I genuinely believe that he doesn't feel any ill will to me for doing what I had to do. In many ways we have some positives to work on as there is no hate or resentment, just fear and sadness for how it worked out. in fact it's easier not to feel the resentments and pain than when we were together, I just know I need to not let that take over and take him straight back. We need this to end for the time being at least because he needs to focus on recovery and I need to get some love back to my life - even if that love comes from me to me. I'm allowing myself the sadness, as I would at the end of any relationship and giving myself time to get back to being me.
-- Edited by MizzB on Sunday 20th of May 2018 06:09:05 AM
Yes, this is such a dreadful disease. Continue to be good to yourself during this challenging time. It's ok to cry and feel your feelings; I think this is often a healthy way to grieve and process them. You're not alone.
((( MizB)))) you are doing great . It is understandable that the feeling of sadness is coming up and that you cannot discard the love and caring within your heart. You are taking care of yourself and that is extremely important. Remember you are not alone and that life keeps moving forward with new and challenging opportunities around the corner Keep an open mind
Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 20th of May 2018 07:05:52 AM
I too see you leaning into recovery and hope you continue to process to your journey of peace and serenity. You are not alone!
I have been separated from my spouse for 9 months now with a divorce in the final stages. The time right after the physical separation is oh so hard on your mental psyche!
I too have family members (my support system) that didn't (and still don't) understand that I still can speak to, and don't have hatred towards my STBXH. Through Al-Anon I have come to realize that even though I can't be married to him, I don't have to hate him. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments... LOL! But I found that holding onto the anger/resentments just disrupt my peace and forward progress... so why bother?
One note however, I did find (with help of my sponsor) that having this mind-set DID make me more vulnerable to his manipulations and the games in my head those first few months. It was very important for me to be strong in my path and convictions, and if I felt I was wavering, take a step back from contact with him. My sponsor told me "When you are angry, it is easier to 'cut the cord,' with your SO, so if you have moved past the anger stage, make sure you stay strong with yourself so that you don't get manipulated back into a position you don't want to be in." Wise words for me. I have found the longer I am away, the longer I am doing things on my own, the stronger I am when it comes to interacting with my STBXH.
Also, he finally embraced sobriety and is doing so well....good for HIM! So I would imagine it makes it easier for me to deal with him too - I feel if he was still drinking/using, then this would be a different post!
Stay the course, Mizz B... work on YOU harder than ever before...don't feel guilt for having compassion for him.... DO be aware that can make you vulnerable.
(((((RACH)))))