ABF has been away in a hotel for 3 days. Came back today and has been drinking. I've ended it. He's had so much help and he's just not engaging in it - just wants to work, which is the thing that causes him stress than then triggers him to drink. He wasn't surprised. I'm off to a meeting now. I need that.
MizzB said
May 16, 2018
His mum is being a bit off with me now.
SerenityRUS said
May 16, 2018
MizzB,
I think that's kind of a "norm" with families who feel they have to take the addict back in .. I remember my first XAH and he was a drug addict .. his dad's response when I left was .. I thought you were going to fix him. I really think looking back now what he was saying was I now have to deal with this how dare you.
Big hugs, I know this is a difficult time for you and I just encourage you to be gentle with you, stay very close to your program because what comes next is huge manipulation .. the disease needs to live and it is the diseased thinking that will say anything to continue to do what it's doing .. all you can do is focus on you and do the next right thing for you.
S :)
MizzB said
May 16, 2018
Thanks Serenity. I need the support today xx
Aline said
May 16, 2018
(((((MizzB))))). Take care of yourself. You are not alone... I hope going to a meeting helps.
hotrod said
May 16, 2018
((MizzB))) pryers continue
PosiesandPuppies said
May 16, 2018
Hugs, Mizz B. You will feel great relief, but sadness as well. Be gentle with yourself. My husband's family at first were totally put off by the developments that occurred, b/c they had to deal with him... it wasn't until they had 2 months of his madness that they started believing me and became VERY supportive ( but to be completely fair, it was b/c I was such a good "manager" of him for the past 20 years ). So yeah, many times the family is at a "What do I do with him/her now?" point of view when you finally say "i've had enough and want off the hamster wheel!"
Even if the mom never comes around, that's OK, b/c you are doing what is right & HEALTHY for YOU!!
Good on you for knowing a meeting is what you need at this moment.
Sending you peace and light!
Iamhere said
May 16, 2018
(((MizzB))) - sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers your way....a meeting sounds to me like the 'next right thing'!!!
Skorpi said
May 16, 2018
(((hugs))) MIzzB - good for you for taking care of you!
MizzB said
May 16, 2018
Thank you. I went to a meeting, it helped. I am now back home overthinking like usual. Meditation needed tonight or I won't sleep.
Did I do the right thing? Yes, I think so. He can't focus on recovery when I'm in the picture. I can't move on while he is.
He has had help from the mental health team, he has a sick note from work but still chose to work knowing it was a trigger for him. I suggested AA, he didn't go. He said he would go to a mental health group but didn't go. He was the one who chose to get space by going to a hotel and he was the one who chose to not communicate with me despite saying that was what he wanted. He was the one who chose to drink. He isn't engaging in the help that's there. Me not being there for him won't change his drinking or not drinking.
Who knows what will happen in the next few months. Maybe after real time in recovery (if he engages) he might be in a place where a relationship is possible. Maybe I will have used that time to work on my anger and resentment.
I'm sad about how he is wasting his life. I'm sad that if he doesn't stop, he will be dead before 50. I'm sad for me the things I have missed out on.
At the meeting someone mentioned about being hardened to life. I hadn't heard that before but it resonated. I have become hardened. I have been getting through not living and the positivity from the group really helped. I feel calmer but still so so sad about it all.
But for now, this is where I need to be. My HP can take the wheel on the rest.
Bo said
May 16, 2018
MizzB -- words cannot express how much I admire and respect the decision you made and that you actually did it. Many people make the decision, but then go into denial and don't follow through.
Regardless, at a time like this -- you need to focus on YOU. Do the next right thing in front of you -- for YOU. The meeting is the best thing. Have a bad day, go to a meeting. Have a good day, go to two! LOL. I have never been one to try and analyze, explain, understand, etc. -- what, why or how the alcoholic is thinking. It is an exercise in futility, and one that can drive us crazy, distort our thinking, and cause havoc, chaos and turmoil in our lives. That said -- for you -- this is the opportunity for you to be where you need to be.
Again, not focusing on him -- he had nothing but chances. He made a decision, conscious or not, objectively or not, healthy or not -- he had an opportunity to get help, to get clean, sober, to get healthy. As you said, he's had "so much help" and he's "just not engaging in it." I get that. I really do. I think many people get it -- but fight. The alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. He did not want to. It is sad. However, it is reality. However, it is reality...just for today.
My best wishes and warmest thoughts go out to you. You will be fine.
Tude said
May 16, 2018
(HUGS!)
So glad you're going to a meeting. Hang in there and prayers for you as you move forward!
bud said
May 16, 2018
(((MzzB))) Sending prayers for comfort, continued courage, healing, support, and wisdom.
Dutchy said
May 17, 2018
MizzB what a courage step. I feel it's tike to let go of him and concentrate 100% on you! It'll be difficult. My head is always trying to drift to my husband but I need to drag myself back to me and enjoy me, the peace and calm me and the girls have right now. Sending lots of (((hugs)))
ginnyc said
May 17, 2018
Meetings have really helped me. I read the literature and pray and meditate but there is nothing like that contact with other people. People who share a common bond.
Jen61 said
May 17, 2018
Prayers and positive thoughts.
Bo said
May 17, 2018
ginnyc wrote:
Meetings have really helped me. I read the literature and pray and meditate but there is nothing like that contact with other people. People who share a common bond.
I absolutely agree!!! I am grateful for the fact that where I live there are over 40 meetings a week (in my county). Just hearing other people, listening, hearing a different perspective, for me, has always been of critical importance. I don't know if I would have gotten better, gotten healthy, without face to face meetings. It was meetings and daily contact with my sponsor. Even though I'd see him at a couple of meetings a week -- talking every day, doing the work every day, meeting with him outside of meetings, etc. -- that's what made it all happen for me. I feel for the people who don't have access to face to face meetings.
Hearing the same tool, the same acronym, the same idea, suggestion, whatever -- just hearing it from someone else, even if it's only slightly different, is still hearing it from a different perspective...and that has always helped me tremendously. Thanks ginnyc.
MizzB said
May 17, 2018
THank you. The meeting I went to yesterday was good and not to far - I can probably manage to go fortnightly when I have my early afternoon off work. I really did help.
The ongoing drama doesn't stop just because I"ve called an end to the relationship so I feel they will be important.
Bo said
May 17, 2018
MizzB -- while you may not feel as though the ongoing drama can stop because you ended the relationship...try this...he was on a roller-coaster, up, down, upside down, twists, turns, high, low, all over the place.
You can choose to -- and you did -- get off the roller-coaster. Focus on YOU. You may get calls, texts, emails, family members may contact you, and so on.
Call upon the tools -- focus on YOU. Keep going to meetings. Find a sponsor. Talk to him/her. You will be fine. One day at a time. Even if it takes one minute at a time.
Keep it up.
Iamhere said
May 17, 2018
MizzB - I have never attended a meeting that I didn't feel better after. That includes F2F as well as phone and online. Glad that the meeting helped and hope you can squeeze more time to attend more meetings. As far as the drama, mine didn't go away either. As I set boundaries, I faced even more as there was huge resistance to me changing. Consistency helped greatly and I have been known to block my A(s) when active....it took a ton of courage for me to do so, but it did bring about some peace, quiet and time to reflect/meditate.
Keep doing you and lean in as best you can. One Day at a Time is all we got!
Anjuanae1964 said
May 17, 2018
Anjuanae1964 wrote:
I am new to the meetings and I just need to attend to get a better understanding of how to deal with someone that I have known most of my life. And now that he is been to rehab, I am trying to deal with the other attitude of the short temper. It is hard walking on egg shells all the time. I am not trying to lose myself in order for him to continue to grow. I am willing to be understanding and stand by him but I also need for him to know that I am who I am as well to listen to me and understand me.
ABF has been away in a hotel for 3 days. Came back today and has been drinking. I've ended it. He's had so much help and he's just not engaging in it - just wants to work, which is the thing that causes him stress than then triggers him to drink. He wasn't surprised. I'm off to a meeting now. I need that.
I think that's kind of a "norm" with families who feel they have to take the addict back in .. I remember my first XAH and he was a drug addict .. his dad's response when I left was .. I thought you were going to fix him. I really think looking back now what he was saying was I now have to deal with this how dare you.
Big hugs, I know this is a difficult time for you and I just encourage you to be gentle with you, stay very close to your program because what comes next is huge manipulation .. the disease needs to live and it is the diseased thinking that will say anything to continue to do what it's doing .. all you can do is focus on you and do the next right thing for you.
S :)
Hugs, Mizz B. You will feel great relief, but sadness as well. Be gentle with yourself. My husband's family at first were totally put off by the developments that occurred, b/c they had to deal with him... it wasn't until they had 2 months of his madness that they started believing me and became VERY supportive ( but to be completely fair, it was b/c I was such a good "manager" of him for the past 20 years
). So yeah, many times the family is at a "What do I do with him/her now?" point of view when you finally say "i've had enough and want off the hamster wheel!"
Even if the mom never comes around, that's OK, b/c you are doing what is right & HEALTHY for YOU!!
Good on you for knowing a meeting is what you need at this moment.
Sending you peace and light!
Did I do the right thing? Yes, I think so. He can't focus on recovery when I'm in the picture. I can't move on while he is.
He has had help from the mental health team, he has a sick note from work but still chose to work knowing it was a trigger for him. I suggested AA, he didn't go. He said he would go to a mental health group but didn't go. He was the one who chose to get space by going to a hotel and he was the one who chose to not communicate with me despite saying that was what he wanted. He was the one who chose to drink. He isn't engaging in the help that's there. Me not being there for him won't change his drinking or not drinking.
Who knows what will happen in the next few months. Maybe after real time in recovery (if he engages) he might be in a place where a relationship is possible. Maybe I will have used that time to work on my anger and resentment.
I'm sad about how he is wasting his life. I'm sad that if he doesn't stop, he will be dead before 50. I'm sad for me the things I have missed out on.
At the meeting someone mentioned about being hardened to life. I hadn't heard that before but it resonated. I have become hardened. I have been getting through not living and the positivity from the group really helped. I feel calmer but still so so sad about it all.
But for now, this is where I need to be. My HP can take the wheel on the rest.
Regardless, at a time like this -- you need to focus on YOU. Do the next right thing in front of you -- for YOU. The meeting is the best thing. Have a bad day, go to a meeting. Have a good day, go to two! LOL. I have never been one to try and analyze, explain, understand, etc. -- what, why or how the alcoholic is thinking. It is an exercise in futility, and one that can drive us crazy, distort our thinking, and cause havoc, chaos and turmoil in our lives. That said -- for you -- this is the opportunity for you to be where you need to be.
Again, not focusing on him -- he had nothing but chances. He made a decision, conscious or not, objectively or not, healthy or not -- he had an opportunity to get help, to get clean, sober, to get healthy. As you said, he's had "so much help" and he's "just not engaging in it." I get that. I really do. I think many people get it -- but fight. The alcoholic will not stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. He did not want to. It is sad. However, it is reality. However, it is reality...just for today.
My best wishes and warmest thoughts go out to you. You will be fine.
So glad you're going to a meeting. Hang in there and prayers for you as you move forward!
I absolutely agree!!! I am grateful for the fact that where I live there are over 40 meetings a week (in my county). Just hearing other people, listening, hearing a different perspective, for me, has always been of critical importance. I don't know if I would have gotten better, gotten healthy, without face to face meetings. It was meetings and daily contact with my sponsor. Even though I'd see him at a couple of meetings a week -- talking every day, doing the work every day, meeting with him outside of meetings, etc. -- that's what made it all happen for me. I feel for the people who don't have access to face to face meetings.
Hearing the same tool, the same acronym, the same idea, suggestion, whatever -- just hearing it from someone else, even if it's only slightly different, is still hearing it from a different perspective...and that has always helped me tremendously. Thanks ginnyc.
The ongoing drama doesn't stop just because I"ve called an end to the relationship so I feel they will be important.
You can choose to -- and you did -- get off the roller-coaster. Focus on YOU. You may get calls, texts, emails, family members may contact you, and so on.
Call upon the tools -- focus on YOU. Keep going to meetings. Find a sponsor. Talk to him/her. You will be fine. One day at a time. Even if it takes one minute at a time.
Keep it up.
Keep doing you and lean in as best you can. One Day at a Time is all we got!
Do not let the past define your future.