For the past 2 months, I've been working towards an agreement as a new hire. The owner wanted to partner with me and merge our businesses, and we agreed to start slowly at my working 2 days a week. I signed the HR paperwork and started 2 weeks ago, and was thrilled for the work.
Friday, one of the staff started grilling me on inappropriate questions, such as my salary, my ex, why I left a job 10 years ago and more. None of these things were her business and she got aggressive when she didn't feel I answered the questions satisfactorily. She said a lot of things and I felt judged. In her tirade, she told me that she wasn't getting paid enough and she was supplementing her income with retirement funds just to make ends meet. (I do not have this kind of luxury to volunteer my time like that.) Earlier that day, she stormed to the owner and had a meltdown. She wanted me to take clients that she found problematic. I felt a red flag as I did not want to accrue a list of her problematic clients and she seemed to be taking matters into her own hands. I trusted that the owner would know this would not work well. Prior to this moment, we got along well. I hoped she was just having a bad day.
This morning, the office manager that was hired last week called me to fire me. The explanation was that there was no budget for someone with my experience... he hoped I had a lovely Mother's day and said I was better off without being a part of their group.
All I can think about is how I feel like I'm surrounded by crazy and I wonder if I somehow have invited this. I was honest, true to myself, was brief, said what I meant and meant what I said, and let everyone know I looked forward to working with them.
I know HP is moving me out of harm's way but this does not feel good. I think it would be appropriate for the owner to have said this to me himself after soaking up my time under other pretense.
Support would be greatly appreciated. I keep telling myself that there wasn't anything I could have done differently or better?
SerenityRUS said
May 14, 2018
Big hugs Bud,
I am sooo sorry and that was super crappy .. sometimes someone's rejection is my protection and boy oh boy .. I have dodged some bullets on that one .. LOL.
Honestly what a horrible toxic environment to be in there sounds like way to much drama that they need to address .. I worked at a place that there was one woman who held everyone like a hostage .. she was awful .. they went through many temps and I survived to a point .. LOL .. she was finally let go and they actually called me back and I was hired full time. I was not going to work with crazy.
One thing I do encourage you to do is I believe I attract what I put out to the universe .. so I encourage you to look at your part from that perspective and try to turn the situation upside down.
It sounds like yes .. it could have been handled better however you know I can't control how people respond to me in situations .. I can only respond the way that is in my own best interests .. I encourage you to just let it go and move on to the next plan. One door closes and something else will come open. I can't work for someone I don't respect. I also question .. if the hiring manager hired me then I would expect the hiring manager to fire me especially if I hadn't gotten through my probation .. usually the owner doesn't get involved in that kind of thing .. that's just my perception from both the large and small companies I have worked in .. that's what HR is for in the larger ones.
Hugs S :)
bud said
May 14, 2018
Thanks for the big hug and support SerentiyRUS!
Good validation that this was toxic. Everyone was working on that hamsterwheel and thinking they were getting ahead. They could have handled it better, for sure. The owner hired me. He had his new manager fire me. I know owners don't get involved with that; however I did volunteer days during my negotiations with the owner, and expected a little more decorum.
Sometimes I may attract what I put out into the universe and sometimes not. I did put out good will and did not attract that back.
I thought there was good synergy for something better; but that turned out to not be true.
SerenityRUS said
May 14, 2018
I think I'm going to bounce this back to you .. I wasn't as clear as I meant to be .. LOL .. I was battling my inner demons of easily distracted and not finishing my thoughts.
I'm not saying you didn't put good out .. I am referring to the fact that my energy even though I am on a journey of healing still attracts toxic situations .. I have to always go back to me ... in my relationships . am I being emotionally available? In my work place do I need the drama on some level to function. When my drama quota is low I feel uncomfortable .. now that's true for me .. your truth is probably different.
This has been a theme so I think I need to look at that for me .. LOL .. that's how my HP works with me .. I'm not done with the lesson and need to be aware .. so I have had more than my share of seriously toxic issues in the work force .. the last 3 have been horrid .. this one has issues however issues I can live with and deal with. I just choose not to play, before I tried to control it. I'm talking about working in a funeral home being screamed at in front of customers as well as co-workers .. dealing with crazy people who are either mentally disturbed or on drugs I never figured that one out .. my point is .. there is still something I carry in my vibe or energy that continues to test me in regards to am I healing? Or am I remaining stagnate? Stagnation is no longer an option. When I talk about putting out to the universe .. I always have a part .. I am asking for an emotionally available partner .. can I give that out .. sometimes that answer is yes on a good day however sometimes not so much .. it's easier to be emotionally unavailable. Am I part of the drama at work or am I setting clear boundaries that I'm not comfortable with things .. if there is something that makes me feel weird at work .. my direct line is .. not my business ... that's outside my pay grade .. need to know basis and I don't need to know.
The owner showed you who he was .. ok .. do you think you can change him? Do you believe that you have the right words to make him see that he was wrong? To me that's to much energy .. I can get my words out here or on paper as to what I would have said if it was the right time and place .. I have no control over how the other person would react. What is your motive and do you believe you would find closure and maybe working through your feelings would be better dealt with here and through writing it out on paper and letting it go. I do hear you are hurt and frustrated and all of this was unfair and unexpected .. you know .. blessings come in all kinds of packages .. my worst disappointments have turned out to be some of my biggest joys.
My current office mate and I have had a serious issue recently in terms of they are so focused on another person at work she's standing in the boat with this coworker trying to sink it .. that doesn't workout well and she's way old enough to know better however seems to need a crisis on days I'm not there. I laugh .. and I ask the God of my understanding .. if I got someone with healthy boundaries I would probably scare the crap out of them .. LOL. All of this .. still comes back to me. She's driving me crazy and I had to have what I call a come to Jesus moment with her to tell her to stop .. her behavior is difficult to live with and I'm not happy about it. This comes on the heels of our boss telling her she's part of the problem .. you know some people you can't save them from themselves and she's forcing things that will happen if she just leaves it alone.
The important thing to me is keep doing you because the right job will come around and when it does you will be ready for it.
Hugs S :)
bud said
May 14, 2018
Thanks SerenityRUS for the clarification.
Yes, I haven't really been in an office setting in a while and am uncomfortable with work drama. This is why when I was confronted, I did not answer the questions. They were from a place of judgement.
It's interesting you mention how the focus was on another person at your workplace... I witnessed this to be the case at this place too. They just fired 3 people over the past 3 weeks. No one was a good fit. I am now the 4th person, and my turnaround was hired to fired within 48 hours.
Thank you for the focus on the present, to keep doing and the right job will come around and will be available for it.
xo
Iamhere said
May 14, 2018
Oh Bud - I am sure this doesn't feel good.....it sounds like total dysfunction + 1000 and perhaps you truly did dodge a bullet. I don't do drama/chaos. For any reason at any time in any setting. Good on you for allowing the 'other employee' to do her and not answer, react, etc. From my own personal experience, a long while ago, when I have bent my standards to 'fit in' better, it has always caught up with me. I believe your decision to do you is the right course no matter what the outcome is/was.
Going through the hiring process is kind of like dating....everyone puts their best foot forward and only when closer to 'it' do we see 'it'. The 'it' you describe sounds beyond toxic and I believe your HP was protecting you big time.
What a huge waste of your time. So glad you didn't invest any more based on the outcome. Keep your chin up, keep doing you and as we say - more will be revealed! (((Hugs)))
bud said
May 14, 2018
Thanks Iamhere! It doesn't feel good at all. I thought I was forging high quality professional relationships.
When the co-worker stated she was supplementing her income from her retirement account to pay her bills... I felt doom. Her face got red and wrinkled as her anger grew. Here her employer was hiring me instead of paying her the amount of her value first. I guess she put her foot down with him.
... not my drama...
Thank you for the support and experience about bending values. I've been making great effort to not compromise myself that would hurt me.
Thank you - needed to hear I'm worthy and to keep doing me.
hotrod said
May 14, 2018
((Bud)) sounds very crazy You are better off out of that place, Sending positive thoughts and prayers that a new door will open
bud said
May 14, 2018
Thanks Betty! Thank you for the validation on the crazy. It means so much. I know you are right that I'm better off out of that place. I'm grateful that I still have a part-time job and a few private clients. Time to regroup and leverage resources.
hotrod said
May 14, 2018
I agree Bud
Jerry F said
May 15, 2018
Bud this might not sound so appropriate within the subject of wisdom however here it goes. One of the most useful tools I learned in the disease and the recovery from the disease was and still is manipulation. Yes I said it. We talk about the alcoholic being so manipulative and controlling without openly identifying when we are and do the same thing to stay in control. I was called a "past master of it" and it was a survival tool for me so that I could protect my peace of mind and serenity and my safety. I learned to use power from a humble position including using compassion and empathy with an adversary to gain their trust and belief and confidence with me. As I worked it I learned in time they would be less enemy and more friend.
It takes willingness and time and effort to learn the skills and for me the outcome was much better than before I tried it. I use to employ war tactics before I changed my own. I hurt lots of people until I learned hurting others was not the outcome I was looking for and the amends process of my recovery involved making amends to the people I had hurt.
Your supervision doesn't have the skills you have or the time in practice of those skills. My counselor and sponsors had me learn and then practice empathy, compassion, forgiveness, grace and mercy among other assets. I had to want to and now I like the outcomes when finding myself in situations like yours.
Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Dutchy said
May 15, 2018
Something similar happened to me. I was a new teacher who quickly became popular and it was clear I was hunted down to get fired and a lot of untrue accusations were thrown at me to justify it. Maybe for other to feel better or because of resentment. It was so hard at the time but I found a better teaching job with a lovely owner and a great team of teachers and the school that fired me went under. I also think that my HP was doing me a favour even though I felt horrendously low at the time.
From reading your posts and the comments I think you will be better off not in that toxic environment and though hard to believe now, better things will come your way. (((Bud)))
Tude said
May 15, 2018
(((bud))) The worst job I ever had........(I took to my own fault in desperation.) I had seen a standing ad (meaning their turn around on employees was ridiculous) in the newspaper for a driving position. When you shared they had already fired 3, the flags went up. Coincidence? Maybe but I doubt it.
I stuck that job out for a couple of months until my season started hauling cotton. In that time tho......oh my.........the owner made the employees jump for their paychecks......he was always drunk and the job was dangerous. I didn't jump for my check. I just looked at him and seriously could not believe there were people jumping to grab their checks as he held them up.......later I learned the man started all types of gossip about me. For myself....I was able to hold my head up and move on to a job I loved. I'm glad you are out of there!!!
bud said
May 15, 2018
Thank you Jerry, I had to reread your words several times and the more I reread, the more helpful this is. I know there was a time when I did not have the skill sets that I have today. I'm grateful to continue to learn and grow with the help and support of my Alanon Family and working the steps. Thankfully, I am not continuing to remain stuck in a bad place, reliving the bad bits over and over.
-- Edited by bud on Tuesday 15th of May 2018 12:01:53 PM
bud said
May 15, 2018
Thanks Dutchy and I love that you've had a happy ending. I thought I was walking into a slow startup, not a hornet's nest. I appreciate that I'm not alone and the only one this happened to.
Tude- many thanks and you make a good point - I was feeling a little desperate for money and needed to walk the minute I realized that actions and words did not match. Jumping for paychecks??? Yikes!
(((((Thank you all))))) - great support and I'm grateful for introspection to keep me on a healthy path.
MizzB said
May 15, 2018
Bud, it seems you walked into the middle of a situation and ended up the scapegoat of decisions out of your control. Not a nice situation at all - I've never known any situation where someone has demanded to know my pay and details of my life on my first days at work. I think you are definitely better out of that toxic environment.
Aline said
May 15, 2018
Hugs, ((((bud)))). This job really doesn't sound to me like something good at all (being obvious here, lol). I do not want to minimize your feelings and I think I would feel bad also if it happened with me, though. I agree with others here that better things are waiting for you. Suppose something can be learned from all this anyway, and I don't know what that might be for you. In support, A.
bud said
May 15, 2018
Hidden IPS - thanks so much I'm glad if this helps someone else!!! I agree it is about boundaries and I still haven't learned to walk away early enough. I wait until I'm sure there's a pattern... which is ridiculous... it's like asking myself, "Bud, are you sure the sky isn't green with purple polka dots?!" Why do I wait to check!?!
Thank you MizzB! This is not my first round of being someone's scapegoat. Thank you for the validation that this was beyond my control and not a reflection of me or my program. I know I'm better off now. It's upsetting I was exposed to it and started blaming myself for not stopping it or moving away quickly enough. I understand now that I could not. This is valuable!
bud said
May 15, 2018
Thanks for your support Aline! There must be better things ahead, for sure. I know my HP was waiving his arms for me to get out of my own way and not continue to forge a work relationship with these people. Even the job function was quickly changing and not what was initially agreed. I think what I learned was to trust my gut, not wait for others, and to remain true to myself and my values. I think I can best bloom working with private clients, without someone severely restricting all I have to offer.
Hi Family,
For the past 2 months, I've been working towards an agreement as a new hire. The owner wanted to partner with me and merge our businesses, and we agreed to start slowly at my working 2 days a week. I signed the HR paperwork and started 2 weeks ago, and was thrilled for the work.
Friday, one of the staff started grilling me on inappropriate questions, such as my salary, my ex, why I left a job 10 years ago and more. None of these things were her business and she got aggressive when she didn't feel I answered the questions satisfactorily. She said a lot of things and I felt judged. In her tirade, she told me that she wasn't getting paid enough and she was supplementing her income with retirement funds just to make ends meet. (I do not have this kind of luxury to volunteer my time like that.) Earlier that day, she stormed to the owner and had a meltdown. She wanted me to take clients that she found problematic. I felt a red flag as I did not want to accrue a list of her problematic clients and she seemed to be taking matters into her own hands. I trusted that the owner would know this would not work well. Prior to this moment, we got along well. I hoped she was just having a bad day.
This morning, the office manager that was hired last week called me to fire me. The explanation was that there was no budget for someone with my experience... he hoped I had a lovely Mother's day and said I was better off without being a part of their group.
All I can think about is how I feel like I'm surrounded by crazy and I wonder if I somehow have invited this. I was honest, true to myself, was brief, said what I meant and meant what I said, and let everyone know I looked forward to working with them.
I know HP is moving me out of harm's way but this does not feel good. I think it would be appropriate for the owner to have said this to me himself after soaking up my time under other pretense.
Support would be greatly appreciated. I keep telling myself that there wasn't anything I could have done differently or better?
I am sooo sorry and that was super crappy .. sometimes someone's rejection is my protection and boy oh boy .. I have dodged some bullets on that one .. LOL.
Honestly what a horrible toxic environment to be in there sounds like way to much drama that they need to address .. I worked at a place that there was one woman who held everyone like a hostage .. she was awful .. they went through many temps and I survived to a point .. LOL .. she was finally let go and they actually called me back and I was hired full time. I was not going to work with crazy.
One thing I do encourage you to do is I believe I attract what I put out to the universe .. so I encourage you to look at your part from that perspective and try to turn the situation upside down.
It sounds like yes .. it could have been handled better however you know I can't control how people respond to me in situations .. I can only respond the way that is in my own best interests .. I encourage you to just let it go and move on to the next plan. One door closes and something else will come open. I can't work for someone I don't respect. I also question .. if the hiring manager hired me then I would expect the hiring manager to fire me especially if I hadn't gotten through my probation .. usually the owner doesn't get involved in that kind of thing .. that's just my perception from both the large and small companies I have worked in .. that's what HR is for in the larger ones.
Hugs S :)
Good validation that this was toxic. Everyone was working on that hamsterwheel and thinking they were getting ahead. They could have handled it better, for sure. The owner hired me. He had his new manager fire me. I know owners don't get involved with that; however I did volunteer days during my negotiations with the owner, and expected a little more decorum.
Sometimes I may attract what I put out into the universe and sometimes not. I did put out good will and did not attract that back.
I thought there was good synergy for something better; but that turned out to not be true.
I'm not saying you didn't put good out .. I am referring to the fact that my energy even though I am on a journey of healing still attracts toxic situations .. I have to always go back to me ... in my relationships . am I being emotionally available? In my work place do I need the drama on some level to function. When my drama quota is low I feel uncomfortable .. now that's true for me .. your truth is probably different.
This has been a theme so I think I need to look at that for me .. LOL .. that's how my HP works with me .. I'm not done with the lesson and need to be aware .. so I have had more than my share of seriously toxic issues in the work force .. the last 3 have been horrid .. this one has issues however issues I can live with and deal with. I just choose not to play, before I tried to control it. I'm talking about working in a funeral home being screamed at in front of customers as well as co-workers .. dealing with crazy people who are either mentally disturbed or on drugs I never figured that one out .. my point is .. there is still something I carry in my vibe or energy that continues to test me in regards to am I healing? Or am I remaining stagnate? Stagnation is no longer an option. When I talk about putting out to the universe .. I always have a part .. I am asking for an emotionally available partner .. can I give that out .. sometimes that answer is yes on a good day however sometimes not so much .. it's easier to be emotionally unavailable. Am I part of the drama at work or am I setting clear boundaries that I'm not comfortable with things .. if there is something that makes me feel weird at work .. my direct line is .. not my business ... that's outside my pay grade .. need to know basis and I don't need to know.
The owner showed you who he was .. ok .. do you think you can change him? Do you believe that you have the right words to make him see that he was wrong? To me that's to much energy .. I can get my words out here or on paper as to what I would have said if it was the right time and place .. I have no control over how the other person would react. What is your motive and do you believe you would find closure and maybe working through your feelings would be better dealt with here and through writing it out on paper and letting it go. I do hear you are hurt and frustrated and all of this was unfair and unexpected .. you know .. blessings come in all kinds of packages .. my worst disappointments have turned out to be some of my biggest joys.
My current office mate and I have had a serious issue recently in terms of they are so focused on another person at work she's standing in the boat with this coworker trying to sink it .. that doesn't workout well and she's way old enough to know better however seems to need a crisis on days I'm not there. I laugh .. and I ask the God of my understanding .. if I got someone with healthy boundaries I would probably scare the crap out of them .. LOL. All of this .. still comes back to me. She's driving me crazy and I had to have what I call a come to Jesus moment with her to tell her to stop .. her behavior is difficult to live with and I'm not happy about it. This comes on the heels of our boss telling her she's part of the problem .. you know some people you can't save them from themselves and she's forcing things that will happen if she just leaves it alone.
The important thing to me is keep doing you because the right job will come around and when it does you will be ready for it.
Hugs S :)
Yes, I haven't really been in an office setting in a while and am uncomfortable with work drama. This is why when I was confronted, I did not answer the questions. They were from a place of judgement.
It's interesting you mention how the focus was on another person at your workplace... I witnessed this to be the case at this place too. They just fired 3 people over the past 3 weeks. No one was a good fit. I am now the 4th person, and my turnaround was hired to fired within 48 hours.
Thank you for the focus on the present, to keep doing and the right job will come around and will be available for it.
xo
Going through the hiring process is kind of like dating....everyone puts their best foot forward and only when closer to 'it' do we see 'it'. The 'it' you describe sounds beyond toxic and I believe your HP was protecting you big time.
What a huge waste of your time. So glad you didn't invest any more based on the outcome. Keep your chin up, keep doing you and as we say - more will be revealed! (((Hugs)))
When the co-worker stated she was supplementing her income from her retirement account to pay her bills... I felt doom. Her face got red and wrinkled as her anger grew. Here her employer was hiring me instead of paying her the amount of her value first. I guess she put her foot down with him.
... not my drama...
Thank you for the support and experience about bending values. I've been making great effort to not compromise myself that would hurt me.
Thank you - needed to hear I'm worthy and to keep doing me.
Bud this might not sound so appropriate within the subject of wisdom however here it goes. One of the most useful tools I learned in the disease and the recovery from the disease was and still is manipulation. Yes I said it. We talk about the alcoholic being so manipulative and controlling without openly identifying when we are and do the same thing to stay in control. I was called a "past master of it" and it was a survival tool for me so that I could protect my peace of mind and serenity and my safety. I learned to use power from a humble position including using compassion and empathy with an adversary to gain their trust and belief and confidence with me. As I worked it I learned in time they would be less enemy and more friend.
It takes willingness and time and effort to learn the skills and for me the outcome was much better than before I tried it. I use to employ war tactics before I changed my own. I hurt lots of people until I learned hurting others was not the outcome I was looking for and the amends process of my recovery involved making amends to the people I had hurt.
Your supervision doesn't have the skills you have or the time in practice of those skills. My counselor and sponsors had me learn and then practice empathy, compassion, forgiveness, grace and mercy among other assets. I had to want to and now I like the outcomes when finding myself in situations like yours.
Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
From reading your posts and the comments I think you will be better off not in that toxic environment and though hard to believe now, better things will come your way. (((Bud)))
I stuck that job out for a couple of months until my season started hauling cotton. In that time tho......oh my.........the owner made the employees jump for their paychecks......he was always drunk and the job was dangerous. I didn't jump for my check. I just looked at him and seriously could not believe there were people jumping to grab their checks as he held them up.......later I learned the man started all types of gossip about me. For myself....I was able to hold my head up and move on to a job I loved. I'm glad you are out of there!!!
Thank you Jerry, I had to reread your words several times and the more I reread, the more helpful this is. I know there was a time when I did not have the skill sets that I have today. I'm grateful to continue to learn and grow with the help and support of my Alanon Family and working the steps. Thankfully, I am not continuing to remain stuck in a bad place, reliving the bad bits over and over.
-- Edited by bud on Tuesday 15th of May 2018 12:01:53 PM
Tude- many thanks and you make a good point - I was feeling a little desperate for money and needed to walk the minute I realized that actions and words did not match. Jumping for paychecks??? Yikes!
(((((Thank you all))))) - great support and I'm grateful for introspection to keep me on a healthy path.
Thank you MizzB! This is not my first round of being someone's scapegoat. Thank you for the validation that this was beyond my control and not a reflection of me or my program. I know I'm better off now. It's upsetting I was exposed to it and started blaming myself for not stopping it or moving away quickly enough. I understand now that I could not. This is valuable!