I came to program 7 years ago with a heavy heart. My alcoholic father had died the month prior and my alcoholic spouse was spiraling deeper into his addiction and, after finding him passed out drunk and naked on the toilet at 5 AM, I knew I needed help! My father was an alcoholic and I was married to my XAH for 20 years. It was all I knew. There were times in my marriage where I often felt that death would be welcomed. I knew I was in pain, I just didn't know what to do about it or how to fix it or if I was even worth fixing. I had no self esteem, I blamed the people in my life for my unhappiness because I didn't realize that I had choices and that only I was responsible for me, as an adult.
Without going into my whole story or the crazy stuff I went through while being married to my XAH and even the fallout from the divorce, I still wanted to share with others that this program can bring you peace. I never believed them in the rooms of Al Anon when they would talk about serenity and peace....those words were foreign to me. But, I did find peace and whenever I get turmoil going on in my head and my heart, I remind myself that it's time to get back to program because I have fallen away from the peace of the program. After I left my marriage, I didn't realize that I would still be taking ME with ME and that I'd still struggle in relationships, with control issues, with learning how to love myself, with people, in general. My recovery is necessary no matter who I'm with, no matter where I am in my life professionally, financially, or emotionally.
This past week I sat down with my sponsor to go over some work I'm doing on my step 4. This is the second time I'm going through program over again (from step 1-12). When I sat with her and read what I wrote aloud, I started to cry. I saw tears in her eyes as I read what I wrote, which was truly just written from my heart. What I've learned in program, is that it's OK to write whatever crap you have in your head and your heart. There are no 'wrongs' in Al Anon and I've spent my whole life trying to please other people and be RIGHT all the time that I often forget that the program comes with absolute acceptance for YOU as a person, as a struggling and overwhelmed human being....no matter how many years you've been in program and no matter how long you've been on this earth. One day of peace and the feeling of release you get from knowing you are accepted as you are, can make you feel years younger and give you strength to face the next day.
Here is the consistent message I keep learning in program: I am a people pleaser to the max. I put others before myself because I'm afraid of confrontation and afraid of people's anger. I might lose them if I tick them off. My dad and my XAH were wonderful at being martyrs and victims and they both manipulated me and played the victim. But, what I didn't realize was just how much a part of all of it I played. I allowed it because I engaged. I tried to be a peacekeeper, instead of being a peace maker and making peace with myself first. I am VERY hard on myself and beat myself up for minor things. I once saw a cartoon where a character was sitting at a kitchen table drinking coffee while a fire was burning all around them and the bubble type above this character's head said, "This is fine. I'm ok with the events that are unfolding currently." I spent years in denial. And, once I came out of denial, I then had to make some changes and acknowledge my part in the mess I was in and figure out if I even knew what was acceptable or unacceptable to me. I didn't even know ME.
The beauty of Al Anon is that it there are no set time frames, you have freedom in program to explore who you are and I have to say that the rooms of Al Anon and AA are the only place on earth where I feel I am my true self. My challenge to myself now is to bring that person, the one who sometimes hides in meetings or in confidential talks with her sponsor, out into the light. I still battle with fear: fear of being known, fear of rejection for who I really am with all my brokenness and scars, and fear that I might lose people if they really caught on to the fact that I'm not always kind, I'm not always cheery, and I'm certainly not always honest. I am learning to face my own humanness (if that's a word) and it's frightening but freeing at the same time. I encourage anyone new to program to give yourself a chance to use the program to find YOU. Al Anon is not about the addict/alcoholic in your life. It's about you and figuring out how to find peace in this mess of a world we live in. HUGs to all of you and sending love and light to you all!
Lyne said
May 6, 2018
Thanks Andromeda for your heartfelt share. In meetings and with my sponsor I try to be honest about my side of the street and continue to make progress with my fears, codependency, anxiety, etc. I'm not a newcomer but I still liked reading what you wrote, which reminds me to give myself all the time I need. And I always try to remember, Progress not Perfection, Lyne
Freetime said
May 6, 2018
Andromeda, what a beautiful share. Your story of encouragement and hope shows what it looks like to really work this program and reap the benefits. Thank you for your service.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 6, 2018
Andromeda - Such a powerful share! Thank you for sharing your journey... one that is obviously evolving as we grow in program and in our lives!
This was especially poignant to me, b/c your description of yourself is how I am beginning to see myself (with the help of Step 4).
"Here is the consistent message I keep learning in program: I am a people pleaser to the max. I put others before myself because I'm afraid of confrontation and afraid of people's anger. I might lose them if I tick them off. My dad and my XAH were wonderful at being martyrs and victims and they both manipulated me and played the victim. But, what I didn't realize was just how much a part of all of it I played. I allowed it because I engaged. I tried to be a peacekeeper, instead of being a peace maker and making peace with myself first. I am VERY hard on myself and beat myself up for minor things. I once saw a cartoon where a character was sitting at a kitchen table drinking coffee while a fire was burning all around them and the bubble type above this character's head said, "This is fine. I'm ok with the events that are unfolding currently." I spent years in denial. And, once I came out of denial, I then had to make some changes and acknowledge my part in the mess I was in and figure out if I even knew what was acceptable or unacceptable to me. I didn't even know ME."
It is humbling to be my age, at this stage in my life, and to know that I don't even know myself. Keep workin' it Andromeda! Program looks SO darn good on you!
Peace
Jerry F said
May 6, 2018
Andromeda I agree with the other family members. That was a very supportive share and your recovery looks good on you...Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
Aline said
May 6, 2018
Thank you for sharing, andromeda. Your words and courage give me a bit more of the courage I need. What I need now is to be able to reach out and communicate very honestly inside the program, as well as outside and with myself... Because I am partly hiding, not being able to be really honest, ashamed and afraid of rejection, and this is naturally keeping me from continuing to get better... I'm taking some risks of opening up about what I'm most ashamed of and they pay off, but its the general state of mind that seems more important, where I would just 'feel' safe to be completely honest. Something to relearn, recover, from childhood, because that's probably when I was most honest in my life. I'm not a complete newcomer, but I am still a newcomer. In fact, I have a feeling for the last days or maybe weeks like I have completed a circle in this program, like I'm starting everything anew, as if from the very beginning, just on a level that is a bit deeper, more honest, that takes more courage and also finally some humility too... Thank you
hotrod said
May 6, 2018
Thanks for this reminder Andromeda It is a powerful lesson to learn that this journey is a process and we need to repeat the Steps more than once. I know that I work my 4th through 9th Step every December.
We are all works in progress as well as Miracles. Thanks for sharing the journey
Iamhere said
May 6, 2018
(((Andromeda))) - honest, great, powerful share and reminder. I am humbled to hear your message of faith, hope, progress and growth. It serves me well in knowing that I'll never graduate only improve in recovery. The more often I visit the steps, the more that is revealed. Keep doing you - looks awesome on ya!! (((Hugs)))
canadianguy said
May 7, 2018
What an awesome and honest share..... the only thing I can offer is a cyber hug and "Amen".
Such great stuff
Tom
Dutchy said
May 7, 2018
andromeda wrote:
Here is the consistent message I keep learning in program: I am a people pleaser to the max. I put others before myself because I'm afraid of confrontation and afraid of people's anger. I might lose them if I tick them off. My dad and my XAH were wonderful at being martyrs and victims and they both manipulated me and played the victim. But, what I didn't realize was just how much a part of all of it I played. I allowed it because I engaged. I tried to be a peacekeeper, instead of being a peace maker and making peace with myself first. I am VERY hard on myself and beat myself up for minor things. I once saw a cartoon where a character was sitting at a kitchen table drinking coffee while a fire was burning all around them and the bubble type above this character's head said, "This is fine. I'm ok with the events that are unfolding currently." I spent years in denial. And, once I came out of denial, I then had to make some changes and acknowledge my part in the mess I was in and figure out if I even knew what was acceptable or unacceptable to me. I didn't even know ME.
The beauty of Al Anon is that it there are no set time frames, you have freedom in program to explore who you are and I have to say that the rooms of Al Anon and AA are the only place on earth where I feel I am my true self. My challenge to myself now is to bring that person, the one who sometimes hides in meetings or in confidential talks with her sponsor, out into the light. I still battle with fear: fear of being known, fear of rejection for who I really am with all my brokenness and scars, and fear that I might lose people if they really caught on to the fact that I'm not always kind, I'm not always cheery, and I'm certainly not always honest. I am learning to face my own humanness (if that's a word) and it's frightening but freeing at the same time. I encourage anyone new to program to give yourself a chance to use the program to find YOU. Al Anon is not about the addict/alcoholic in your life. It's about you and figuring out how to find peace in this mess of a world we live in. HUGs to all of you and sending love and light to you all!
This is so me. I feel so much better now than I did just a few months ago. Stringer in myself and finding myself again, doing the things I love, saying NO and also accepting help where it is offered without feeling I need to do something in return or feel guilty for taking up other peoples' time. Thank you for your message!
el-cee said
May 10, 2018
This is a powerful share. I feel Im in the same place as you. Working the steps again, looking at peeling away another layer of that onion! This to me is a perfect (such a bad word) message to newcomers and to any member really. There is freedom from the pain, one day at a time.
I'm just realising this program is a doing program rather than a knowing program. I have spent my life believing that knowing more and more about my problems, the drinker, myself even, then the solutions were there in the knowing. I falsely believed the more I know the more right I was. Im moving away from that today. Im beginning to see that the urge, compulsion to know more and more is the same as every other compulsion I have and I have many.
Im getting more awareness about the effect of this disease on me and Im not even sure its all due to the disease of alcoholism, it goes way back before I lived with an alcoholic, but then again alcoholism, the effects were around me, normal. It is becoming clear that I have assets as well as shortcomings and I want to be a friend to me, change the self talk from beating myself up to accepting my human-ness (should be a word)
At the moment, I can see how compulsive I am in every part of my life. I have a difficult relationship with food, with work life balance. My mind can be everywhere at once and nowhere worthwhile if you know what I mean. Ive somehow set myself those goals again and of course Im basing the success of these goals as evidence of my self worth so my self esteem is attacked again.
Its all about acceptance of me just as I am and not waiting until im the perfect person that I will never be. Letting go of those false beliefs. Letting go and acceptance each day. How simple is that? Seems so so simple. Thanks for sharing and letting me explore where I am too.
mamalioness said
May 12, 2018
WOW!!! (((((Andromeda)))) what a beautiful , powerful and open and honest share....I loved reading it and seeing your strength w/out bitterness in it.....Amazing!!! You are a real testimony that this "recovery stuff" works.......HUGS
I came to program 7 years ago with a heavy heart. My alcoholic father had died the month prior and my alcoholic spouse was spiraling deeper into his addiction and, after finding him passed out drunk and naked on the toilet at 5 AM, I knew I needed help! My father was an alcoholic and I was married to my XAH for 20 years. It was all I knew. There were times in my marriage where I often felt that death would be welcomed. I knew I was in pain, I just didn't know what to do about it or how to fix it or if I was even worth fixing. I had no self esteem, I blamed the people in my life for my unhappiness because I didn't realize that I had choices and that only I was responsible for me, as an adult.
Without going into my whole story or the crazy stuff I went through while being married to my XAH and even the fallout from the divorce, I still wanted to share with others that this program can bring you peace. I never believed them in the rooms of Al Anon when they would talk about serenity and peace....those words were foreign to me. But, I did find peace and whenever I get turmoil going on in my head and my heart, I remind myself that it's time to get back to program because I have fallen away from the peace of the program. After I left my marriage, I didn't realize that I would still be taking ME with ME and that I'd still struggle in relationships, with control issues, with learning how to love myself, with people, in general. My recovery is necessary no matter who I'm with, no matter where I am in my life professionally, financially, or emotionally.
This past week I sat down with my sponsor to go over some work I'm doing on my step 4. This is the second time I'm going through program over again (from step 1-12). When I sat with her and read what I wrote aloud, I started to cry. I saw tears in her eyes as I read what I wrote, which was truly just written from my heart. What I've learned in program, is that it's OK to write whatever crap you have in your head and your heart. There are no 'wrongs' in Al Anon and I've spent my whole life trying to please other people and be RIGHT all the time that I often forget that the program comes with absolute acceptance for YOU as a person, as a struggling and overwhelmed human being....no matter how many years you've been in program and no matter how long you've been on this earth. One day of peace and the feeling of release you get from knowing you are accepted as you are, can make you feel years younger and give you strength to face the next day.
Here is the consistent message I keep learning in program: I am a people pleaser to the max. I put others before myself because I'm afraid of confrontation and afraid of people's anger. I might lose them if I tick them off. My dad and my XAH were wonderful at being martyrs and victims and they both manipulated me and played the victim. But, what I didn't realize was just how much a part of all of it I played. I allowed it because I engaged. I tried to be a peacekeeper, instead of being a peace maker and making peace with myself first. I am VERY hard on myself and beat myself up for minor things. I once saw a cartoon where a character was sitting at a kitchen table drinking coffee while a fire was burning all around them and the bubble type above this character's head said, "This is fine. I'm ok with the events that are unfolding currently." I spent years in denial. And, once I came out of denial, I then had to make some changes and acknowledge my part in the mess I was in and figure out if I even knew what was acceptable or unacceptable to me. I didn't even know ME.
The beauty of Al Anon is that it there are no set time frames, you have freedom in program to explore who you are and I have to say that the rooms of Al Anon and AA are the only place on earth where I feel I am my true self. My challenge to myself now is to bring that person, the one who sometimes hides in meetings or in confidential talks with her sponsor, out into the light. I still battle with fear: fear of being known, fear of rejection for who I really am with all my brokenness and scars, and fear that I might lose people if they really caught on to the fact that I'm not always kind, I'm not always cheery, and I'm certainly not always honest. I am learning to face my own humanness (if that's a word) and it's frightening but freeing at the same time. I encourage anyone new to program to give yourself a chance to use the program to find YOU. Al Anon is not about the addict/alcoholic in your life. It's about you and figuring out how to find peace in this mess of a world we live in. HUGs to all of you and sending love and light to you all!
Andromeda - Such a powerful share! Thank you for sharing your journey... one that is obviously evolving as we grow in program and in our lives!
This was especially poignant to me, b/c your description of yourself is how I am beginning to see myself (with the help of Step 4).
"Here is the consistent message I keep learning in program: I am a people pleaser to the max. I put others before myself because I'm afraid of confrontation and afraid of people's anger. I might lose them if I tick them off. My dad and my XAH were wonderful at being martyrs and victims and they both manipulated me and played the victim. But, what I didn't realize was just how much a part of all of it I played. I allowed it because I engaged. I tried to be a peacekeeper, instead of being a peace maker and making peace with myself first. I am VERY hard on myself and beat myself up for minor things. I once saw a cartoon where a character was sitting at a kitchen table drinking coffee while a fire was burning all around them and the bubble type above this character's head said, "This is fine. I'm ok with the events that are unfolding currently." I spent years in denial. And, once I came out of denial, I then had to make some changes and acknowledge my part in the mess I was in and figure out if I even knew what was acceptable or unacceptable to me. I didn't even know ME."
It is humbling to be my age, at this stage in my life, and to know that I don't even know myself. Keep workin' it Andromeda! Program looks SO darn good on you!
Peace
Andromeda I agree with the other family members. That was a very supportive share and your recovery looks good on you...Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
We are all works in progress as well as Miracles. Thanks for sharing the journey
What an awesome and honest share..... the only thing I can offer is a cyber hug and "Amen".
Such great stuff
Tom
This is so me. I feel so much better now than I did just a few months ago. Stringer in myself and finding myself again, doing the things I love, saying NO and also accepting help where it is offered without feeling I need to do something in return or feel guilty for taking up other peoples' time. Thank you for your message!
This is a powerful share. I feel Im in the same place as you. Working the steps again, looking at peeling away another layer of that onion! This to me is a perfect (such a bad word) message to newcomers and to any member really. There is freedom from the pain, one day at a time.
I'm just realising this program is a doing program rather than a knowing program. I have spent my life believing that knowing more and more about my problems, the drinker, myself even, then the solutions were there in the knowing. I falsely believed the more I know the more right I was. Im moving away from that today. Im beginning to see that the urge, compulsion to know more and more is the same as every other compulsion I have and I have many.
Im getting more awareness about the effect of this disease on me and Im not even sure its all due to the disease of alcoholism, it goes way back before I lived with an alcoholic, but then again alcoholism, the effects were around me, normal. It is becoming clear that I have assets as well as shortcomings and I want to be a friend to me, change the self talk from beating myself up to accepting my human-ness (should be a word)
At the moment, I can see how compulsive I am in every part of my life. I have a difficult relationship with food, with work life balance. My mind can be everywhere at once and nowhere worthwhile if you know what I mean. Ive somehow set myself those goals again and of course Im basing the success of these goals as evidence of my self worth so my self esteem is attacked again.
Its all about acceptance of me just as I am and not waiting until im the perfect person that I will never be. Letting go of those false beliefs. Letting go and acceptance each day. How simple is that? Seems so so simple. Thanks for sharing and letting me explore where I am too.
WOW!!! (((((Andromeda)))) what a beautiful , powerful and open and honest share....I loved reading it and seeing your strength w/out bitterness in it.....Amazing!!! You are a real testimony that this "recovery stuff" works.......HUGS