I can finally start to see some progress in myself. It has taken a long while to get to this stage of detaching and accepting. For a long long while I tried to control the outcome for my AD. I set boundaries but they were not really boundaries they were manipulations to get her to conform and change. It left me feeling very upset when that didn't happen and damaged our relationship.
I now get that boundaries are for me and me alone, the sole purpose being to restore my own sanity. They can be be flexible and I can revisit them as needed. I continue to have a boundary in place right now that I do not want to have any kind of relationship with her boyfriend. He is verbally abusive, manipulative and has tons and tons of drama, threats of suicide and the list goes on and on. . I suspect some physical abuse as well but that is being downplayed and hidden as victims tend to do.
I have done everything I can to encourage, support my AD but she continues to involve herself with him. I have to accept that she is an adult who makes her own choices whether I or anyone in her circle thinks they are good choices. It certainly does limit how often we see her as she caters to his demands and her family is put on the back burner. It does hurt and if I focus on it I feel pretty sad.
She is currently visiting in the area, but we will see little of her due to our boundary. Her siblings have the same boundary (their choice), but it does hurt my heart to see their faces when they realize that they wont see her much at all. I encouraged them to not have any expectations as this leads to big resentments.
I accept this is just the way things need to be at the present time. I am working hard to stay out of all the sibling relationships and other ones and worry about only mine. It is not good for me to have that chaos in my life right now. I don't know what the future holds for any of us. I do know that with working the steps, seeking support here and at my meetings my life will go on. I will enjoy the brief times I do see her and release her to her higher power to follow her path.
hotrod said
May 5, 2018
((Serenity)) Powerful share!!! Thank you. Sending positive thoughts and continued prayers for you and your entire family The serenity prayer helps
Iamhere said
May 5, 2018
(((Serenity))) - Great awareness, honesty and share. I can so relate and all I know to do is just keep practicing recovery and acceptance. Hang in there and I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers.
PosiesandPuppies said
May 5, 2018
((((Serenity))))
I cannot relate fully as my qualifier is a spouse, but I feel that there must be a special type of hurt when addiction affects your child. But acceptance is acceptance and I got so much out of your honesty. I applaud you for such great insight to yourself. Thank you for the the powerful share of your progress, and how you are making the program work for you!!
Aline said
May 6, 2018
Thank you for sharing, serenity... I have been thinking about my boundaries with ex-abf over the past days and its like you share, I could've protected myself emotionally better had I just stopped all contact with ex sooner. I'm sorry this means you have limited contact with your daughter because of this...
I can finally start to see some progress in myself. It has taken a long while to get to this stage of detaching and accepting. For a long long while I tried to control the outcome for my AD. I set boundaries but they were not really boundaries they were manipulations to get her to conform and change. It left me feeling very upset when that didn't happen and damaged our relationship.
I now get that boundaries are for me and me alone, the sole purpose being to restore my own sanity. They can be be flexible and I can revisit them as needed. I continue to have a boundary in place right now that I do not want to have any kind of relationship with her boyfriend. He is verbally abusive, manipulative and has tons and tons of drama, threats of suicide and the list goes on and on. . I suspect some physical abuse as well but that is being downplayed and hidden as victims tend to do.
I have done everything I can to encourage, support my AD but she continues to involve herself with him. I have to accept that she is an adult who makes her own choices whether I or anyone in her circle thinks they are good choices. It certainly does limit how often we see her as she caters to his demands and her family is put on the back burner. It does hurt and if I focus on it I feel pretty sad.
She is currently visiting in the area, but we will see little of her due to our boundary. Her siblings have the same boundary (their choice), but it does hurt my heart to see their faces when they realize that they wont see her much at all. I encouraged them to not have any expectations as this leads to big resentments.
I accept this is just the way things need to be at the present time. I am working hard to stay out of all the sibling relationships and other ones and worry about only mine. It is not good for me to have that chaos in my life right now. I don't know what the future holds for any of us. I do know that with working the steps, seeking support here and at my meetings my life will go on. I will enjoy the brief times I do see her and release her to her higher power to follow her path.
I cannot relate fully as my qualifier is a spouse, but I feel that there must be a special type of hurt when addiction affects your child. But acceptance is acceptance and I got so much out of your honesty. I applaud you for such great insight to yourself. Thank you for the the powerful share of your progress, and how you are making the program work for you!!