Looking for some ESH. I sold my house this week (hooray!) - bittersweet obviously, I love my home but I know it will set me free to move to my own place and leave this behind. My STBXAH pulled some last minute extortion on offer night, trying to threaten me into giving him a bunch of money now before the house closes, and he made me sign some makeshift contract that I would cover all the legal closing costs, he made a scene and it was really tense and horrible and he threatened to leave and ruin our offer many times. I just stayed calm and he finally signed, it was such a sad day for us and our marriage, it would have been nice to share our sadness, instead it became a miserable scene and power struggle. I felt a lot of sadness I haven't felt for a long time, but I'm hoping it's on the path towards moving on.
The next step is that I want to sort out visitation with him. Currently he shows up late, or whenever he feels like it, sometimes like 4pm in the afternoon on weekends, or just says he has to work late and doesn't come over - and I get pressure from him to move plans around because he hasn't seen his daughter, etc.
My daughter lives with me full time, I really don't think that he will try and get joint physical custody, and I am not worried about him getting it - documented substance abuse, still living in short term living situations with no place for a kid, she hasn't stayed overnight with him in years (including when we were still together), he doesn't drive and can't pick her up from school or do anything else she needs in life, and he is very unreliable, and hasn't paid anything towards child support - thankfully he hasn't even brought it up. Currently he comes to my house to visit our daughter, so he is in my space, which is not my favourite thing, but I do it for my daughter for now, she is only 3 and it's good to know she is safe. I made plans tonight and now he is telling me he wants to see her, because he *always comes on Fridays* - not sure what planet he is living on, but whatever - I said this is why I want to sort out visitation he said "fridays, saturdays and sundays" - I am not interested in seeing him 3 days in a row and every single weekend (not that he shows up, but that looming obligation).
For those of you that have sole physical custody and have a partner that visits with no overnights, what kind of schedule did you come up wtih? She is young so I feel like frequency is (ideally) important, he has low stamina for visits, often resorting to tv, he doesn't take her out and do anything fun, he just hangs around my house for a few hours - often showing up late afternoon (sleeping until 1 and then it takes him forever to get himself out the door). Any other useful custody things you included that you might recommend?
I truly support him having a relationship with our daughter as long as he is sober and she is safe, but I want to give myself the space and breathing room to enjoy my life. He is very toxic to be around these days, and I am apparently the cause of everything that isn't going well in his life. I don't want to send her to some depressing visitation centre, and there is no other option at the moment for a place for them to go together.
Thanks for any ESH!
Nikki
Jerry F said
May 4, 2018
Sorry VickiR....wish I had some helpful ESH for you and the subject matter for me resurrects anger and depression for me as my situation involved the invasion of my life and family by a religious organization that inundated our life worse than alcohol and/or drug addiction. I was separated from the children by the courts because they didn't think a man could or would be a nurturing parent, making this decision without even speaking to the children and refusing my request to have the children speak to the decision in court for recording. The kids and I were very close however the church (hers) and the courts ended that horribly.
Do the best you can and take your time use the "VickiR assets" and be fair, honest and just and then turn the rest over to your HP. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
May 4, 2018
VickiR -- I am so sorry you are going through this. In my experience, when dealing with a person like this, there is zero trust. He's proven that already by putting a gun to your head and threatening to sabotage the sale of the house. He's willing to go down just so he can take you with him? That's a truly narcissistic and dangerous person.
You are doing all the right things -- and obviously he is not. You should be getting advice on how to handle everything around this situation and the visitation -- including the terms and conditions. You should know what you can and can't do, legally, as he does not. And, you should really create boundaries and parameters around his time with your daughter -- not being in your house, time constraints, etc.
That said, my experience is that you are always going to be at risk with someone like this. I would speak with an attorney -- one who specializes in family law, custody, divorce/post-divorce matters, etc. In a situation like this, the right attorney will be worth their fee 10 times over. When I was dealing with post-divorce issues, even though I thought I could handle all of the matters (although I am not admitted to the bar), I still went to the right attorney.
Good luck.
Bo said
May 4, 2018
Also, while each case is a case unto itself...I've been involved, professionally, in hundreds of divorces. Many can be similar, but really no two are exactly alike. In mine, mw ex go no overnight visits. After the supervised visits -- in the next phase, we went with Wednesday afternoon after school, through dinner, deadline back at 7pm. Side note -- she was not allowed to drive the child at the time. We also went with Saturday afternoons from 1pm to 5pm, then expanded to 11am to 5pm. We also had every other Sunday, similar time frame (1 to 5 then 11 to 5), and when it wasn't a Sunday, every other Monday. The goal was to find 3 days per week spaced out relatively evenly.
It really depends on the facts and circumstances of the case.
Remember the old joke, and there is much to learn in it...a person who represents themself...has a fool for a client. LOL.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 4th of May 2018 04:34:40 PM
Iamhere said
May 4, 2018
Vicki - good to see you back....I don't have ESH on this subject but know that my state also has agencies that will provide advocacy and support for the visits. Should there come a point where having him at your place is not working, they will supervise and monitor any visit at a specified location. I too support finding professional resources in your area and ask for help with your visitation, boundaries, etc. Sending you tons of support, (((hugs))) and positive energy!
VickiR said
May 4, 2018
Thanks everyone - I have a great attorney fortunately - and hilariously my STBXAH hates her. In the initial separation draft she suggested we work out access ourselves - I was just wondering what kinds of schedules people have come up with. It is a complicated situation and my daughter is my priority. This process has been gruelling to say the least. I am so thankful for this board and for alanon.
el-cee said
May 5, 2018
Is there any social services n your area where he could see his daughter and it takes you and your home and your life out of it. He sounds like he has taken you hostage and has a lot of power over your time your home and even your life. In my experience tgis isn't good for anyone and will continue as ling as you accept it. Matbe use the program to work out what it is in you that accepts this. Why can't you let go if him? It took me a long time too. I was convinced my kids needed a father under any circumstance. This was untrue and the damage was pretty bad. Instead I wish I had let him go and fade out. I had no boundaries either and today the thought of an active drinker having the power over me and my family is unbelievable. I've broken through the mental chains and I'm free.
VickiR said
May 5, 2018
Thanks for the response el-cee - I have spent the past 9 months separating from him and he has made each step a challenge - actively working against me or just not being able to do anything himself and expecting me to pick up the pieces. Selling the house and moving is a big one for me, it really broke a lot of his ties and ownership over my space, and I am hoping that hammering out a black and white access plan will show his lack of involvement and can show in concrete terms that he doesnt use the time. I am totally happy to let him fade out, trust me. Its nice to hear you are free of the mental chains, they are real and I hope to be free soon. :)
SerenityRUS said
May 5, 2018
VickiR,
Big hugs .. something my XAH lacks is the ability to follow through on his own. My attorney called him a bully and then he stomps his feet and then stops.
I wouldn't worry to much about what he says because chances of it actually happening are slim to none with what you are describing. My experience being a mom has truly been being a full time single mom .. I would say from about the time my youngest was 7 years old. I encourage you to build your tribe to have a back up plan. I have learned NOT to say anything to my youngest until I have all of the information this means when his wife is texting my oldest about a car accident that I do not tell my youngest unless I hear it from him. Promises are the same way .. the kids knew when visitation was .. however they also knew not to expect it either.
Sole custody helped me in terms of I didn't have to deal with my XAH when it comes to Dr's appointments and so on, this include schooling, religion, where I move to (he released me from the state 2 years ago).
I know the state of IL it is MUCH harder to get sole custody than it used to be and I got it because of situations that transpired and I insisted on it and the attorney's realized that they needed to do something different for me because of the craziness he put us all through.
What my experience with my XAH was he has checked out for a while at this point .. he is talking to our oldest however he doesn't have a freaking clue what's going on with that kid and we are both ok with that at this point. It is what it is .. oldest is an adult so it's totally up to him what he shares.
I have seen now that the wife is doing all of the emotional work .. and that was a discussion my oldest and I had .. which was if the wife is no longer in the picture .. he lacks the ability to carry on a real conversation, make a real emotional connection .. and what my oldest is getting is going to be it. Just from statements he's made to our kid .. I can see the handwriting on the wall. I get he's trying .. it's not really him who is trying.
My point is .. my XAH in the throws of the early stages just stopped showing up because it required work and effort. He also stopped doing the work because it required him to available to the kids emotionally .. follow through and so on .. I doubt that most of the texts my X is sending to my oldest are from him .. my oldest spots it pretty quick .. there is just a different cadence and as he says mom . you can tell he's being coached based upon how long it takes him to respond and if it's more than a couple sentences long.
If you can get sole custody take it .. it's for your best interest as well as the kids .. it means a whole lot less contact .. and my XAH still trying to control my life through the finances. However .. if not .. I doubt unless your STBAX finds recovery .. and he's this combative .. he's not going to keep showing up .. the disease won't let him.
Hi everyone,
Looking for some ESH. I sold my house this week (hooray!) - bittersweet obviously, I love my home but I know it will set me free to move to my own place and leave this behind. My STBXAH pulled some last minute extortion on offer night, trying to threaten me into giving him a bunch of money now before the house closes, and he made me sign some makeshift contract that I would cover all the legal closing costs, he made a scene and it was really tense and horrible and he threatened to leave and ruin our offer many times. I just stayed calm and he finally signed, it was such a sad day for us and our marriage, it would have been nice to share our sadness, instead it became a miserable scene and power struggle. I felt a lot of sadness I haven't felt for a long time, but I'm hoping it's on the path towards moving on.
The next step is that I want to sort out visitation with him. Currently he shows up late, or whenever he feels like it, sometimes like 4pm in the afternoon on weekends, or just says he has to work late and doesn't come over - and I get pressure from him to move plans around because he hasn't seen his daughter, etc.
My daughter lives with me full time, I really don't think that he will try and get joint physical custody, and I am not worried about him getting it - documented substance abuse, still living in short term living situations with no place for a kid, she hasn't stayed overnight with him in years (including when we were still together), he doesn't drive and can't pick her up from school or do anything else she needs in life, and he is very unreliable, and hasn't paid anything towards child support - thankfully he hasn't even brought it up. Currently he comes to my house to visit our daughter, so he is in my space, which is not my favourite thing, but I do it for my daughter for now, she is only 3 and it's good to know she is safe. I made plans tonight and now he is telling me he wants to see her, because he *always comes on Fridays* - not sure what planet he is living on, but whatever - I said this is why I want to sort out visitation he said "fridays, saturdays and sundays" - I am not interested in seeing him 3 days in a row and every single weekend (not that he shows up, but that looming obligation).
For those of you that have sole physical custody and have a partner that visits with no overnights, what kind of schedule did you come up wtih? She is young so I feel like frequency is (ideally) important, he has low stamina for visits, often resorting to tv, he doesn't take her out and do anything fun, he just hangs around my house for a few hours - often showing up late afternoon (sleeping until 1 and then it takes him forever to get himself out the door). Any other useful custody things you included that you might recommend?
I truly support him having a relationship with our daughter as long as he is sober and she is safe, but I want to give myself the space and breathing room to enjoy my life. He is very toxic to be around these days, and I am apparently the cause of everything that isn't going well in his life. I don't want to send her to some depressing visitation centre, and there is no other option at the moment for a place for them to go together.
Thanks for any ESH!
Nikki
Sorry VickiR....wish I had some helpful ESH for you and the subject matter for me resurrects anger and depression for me as my situation involved the invasion of my life and family by a religious organization that inundated our life worse than alcohol and/or drug addiction. I was separated from the children by the courts because they didn't think a man could or would be a nurturing parent, making this decision without even speaking to the children and refusing my request to have the children speak to the decision in court for recording. The kids and I were very close however the church (hers) and the courts ended that horribly.
Do the best you can and take your time use the "VickiR assets" and be fair, honest and just and then turn the rest over to your HP. ((((hugs))))
You are doing all the right things -- and obviously he is not. You should be getting advice on how to handle everything around this situation and the visitation -- including the terms and conditions. You should know what you can and can't do, legally, as he does not. And, you should really create boundaries and parameters around his time with your daughter -- not being in your house, time constraints, etc.
That said, my experience is that you are always going to be at risk with someone like this. I would speak with an attorney -- one who specializes in family law, custody, divorce/post-divorce matters, etc. In a situation like this, the right attorney will be worth their fee 10 times over. When I was dealing with post-divorce issues, even though I thought I could handle all of the matters (although I am not admitted to the bar), I still went to the right attorney.
Good luck.
Also, while each case is a case unto itself...I've been involved, professionally, in hundreds of divorces. Many can be similar, but really no two are exactly alike. In mine, mw ex go no overnight visits. After the supervised visits -- in the next phase, we went with Wednesday afternoon after school, through dinner, deadline back at 7pm. Side note -- she was not allowed to drive the child at the time. We also went with Saturday afternoons from 1pm to 5pm, then expanded to 11am to 5pm. We also had every other Sunday, similar time frame (1 to 5 then 11 to 5), and when it wasn't a Sunday, every other Monday. The goal was to find 3 days per week spaced out relatively evenly.
It really depends on the facts and circumstances of the case.
Remember the old joke, and there is much to learn in it...a person who represents themself...has a fool for a client. LOL.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 4th of May 2018 04:34:40 PM
Big hugs .. something my XAH lacks is the ability to follow through on his own. My attorney called him a bully and then he stomps his feet and then stops.
I wouldn't worry to much about what he says because chances of it actually happening are slim to none with what you are describing. My experience being a mom has truly been being a full time single mom .. I would say from about the time my youngest was 7 years old. I encourage you to build your tribe to have a back up plan. I have learned NOT to say anything to my youngest until I have all of the information this means when his wife is texting my oldest about a car accident that I do not tell my youngest unless I hear it from him. Promises are the same way .. the kids knew when visitation was .. however they also knew not to expect it either.
Sole custody helped me in terms of I didn't have to deal with my XAH when it comes to Dr's appointments and so on, this include schooling, religion, where I move to (he released me from the state 2 years ago).
I know the state of IL it is MUCH harder to get sole custody than it used to be and I got it because of situations that transpired and I insisted on it and the attorney's realized that they needed to do something different for me because of the craziness he put us all through.
What my experience with my XAH was he has checked out for a while at this point .. he is talking to our oldest however he doesn't have a freaking clue what's going on with that kid and we are both ok with that at this point. It is what it is .. oldest is an adult so it's totally up to him what he shares.
I have seen now that the wife is doing all of the emotional work .. and that was a discussion my oldest and I had .. which was if the wife is no longer in the picture .. he lacks the ability to carry on a real conversation, make a real emotional connection .. and what my oldest is getting is going to be it. Just from statements he's made to our kid .. I can see the handwriting on the wall. I get he's trying .. it's not really him who is trying.
My point is .. my XAH in the throws of the early stages just stopped showing up because it required work and effort. He also stopped doing the work because it required him to available to the kids emotionally .. follow through and so on .. I doubt that most of the texts my X is sending to my oldest are from him .. my oldest spots it pretty quick .. there is just a different cadence and as he says mom . you can tell he's being coached based upon how long it takes him to respond and if it's more than a couple sentences long.
If you can get sole custody take it .. it's for your best interest as well as the kids .. it means a whole lot less contact .. and my XAH still trying to control my life through the finances. However .. if not .. I doubt unless your STBAX finds recovery .. and he's this combative .. he's not going to keep showing up .. the disease won't let him.
Hugs S :)