Monday - he gets sent home from work for "not functioning" - he'd taken diazapam
Tuesday - call from his mum, police have been involved as he was suicidal, took out a lot of money and disappeared
Wednesday - He's in hospital and his mum comes down
Thursday - My mum comes over to help me look after the dog. He's in a hotel with his mum
Friday - he's back at home, drinking as it's too unsafe for him not to be. I spend my lunch break talking to an addition counsellor.
Saturday - I take a "day off" from alcoholism and hang out with a friend.
SUnday - his mum is still down. She talks a lot. I didn't get my work done for this week.
Monday-Tuesday - his mum is here. I get more stressed as I can't get my work done. SHe's lovely but she talks so much. HE's tapering down.
Wednesday - (that's today!) He goes back to work for a meeting. Was supposed to be home by 3. He's not back. HIs mum has gone home as sh'es going on holiday for a month. THe addiction counsellor is due tomorrow.
And me? I'm lonely. He's go so many people there for him and I"m struggling. He's not talking to me about much. Not messaging. I hear most things from his mum and now she's gone, I don't know anything. I'm leaving him to it. If he's gone back to the drinking, that's his choice.
But me, I was doing well but I'm struggling this week. Work is so so stressful as we get closer to exams. I've done so little all week as I haven't been able to get space to do that. I've got the added problem with lady hormones which make is really hard for me to be mentally strong and work the program. And I"m pretty tearful which could be the hormones, or it could be the tiredness or it could be the stress of the week. I think most people would struggle after a 60 hour week on top of everything else from this week.
I now have my own counsellor from the addiction service but because of work I can't meet her for 2 weeks. And some of the readings last week really resonated with me - was I feeling ok because I have numbed my feelings and this is now me feeling things again? Why does the first feeling to come back have to be pain and loneliness? Or is this just the frigging girl hormones which hits me every few months and make me feel clinically depressed? I guess I won't know for a couple of days which it is. But for now, I just have to get through this next hour. And then the next. And then the next.
SerenityRUS said
May 2, 2018
he'd taken diazepam **
My eyeballs popped out of my head at that one and drinking that's a good thing .. NOT. Alcohol and drugs prescription or otherwise is just not a good thing .. bless his heart.
Big hugs, I really want to encourage you to take care of yourself first .. when I first got to alanon I want to say I was there for everyone else .. the reality was I was so obsessed with my XAH that I didn't take care of myself as I was so exhausted .. then I guess that first part of the statement wasn't true because I was dragging my XMIL through her crap as well and she was attending alanon with the hopes X's dad would get better since it worked the last time .. that didn't workout that way this time and she was an emotional drain on my energy big time, in all fairness I was on hers as well.
This is not advice .. it is at the same time .. unless you address your needs first you will not be good to anyone. I am sorry that your AB's mom is in a bad way however no .. you don't have anyone to talk to because you are giving all of your time away and not filling your own cup. I could phrase that better however .. that's what Alanon taught me fill my own cup first and then I had extra to give .. without that I couldn't get a handle on anything.
In the past I would have wound up sounding like a shrew with what took place this week .. I try to remember badly on some days that my HP has got my back and it will workout. I just hate the unknown. I have to take care of me.
I have a point .. LOL .. it got lost in the throws of everything else .. first thing first .. take care of YOU!! YOU are worth it and YOU deserve the same time and care you are giving to everyone else.
Hugs S :)
MizzB said
May 2, 2018
Thanks Serenity. I did try that this weekend. I went to a gig (on my own - ABF was supposed to come but wasn't capable, so I went on my own and chatted to people in the crowd) and hung out with a friend. The difficulty was that on top of everything else, it wore me out. I've been to see my boss this week about workload as mine is unmanageable and he is aware of that (6 people have done my job in the last 7 years which is a big turnover in teaching) and they are trying to work something for next year. His mother is lovely and did all the cleaning for me but she talks so much about nothing of much consequence. All in all, I"m so tired and sleep isn't good quality right now. But I am trying to put me in the centre. Unfortunately with 2 weeks until exams, the children are trying to put themselves in the centre. But I"m trying!
Iamhere said
May 2, 2018
MizzB - I am so sorry that you are lonely....I truly wish you could find your way to get to some meetings - that's what really helped me be a part of vs. a part from. I know you worry about your dog and job and so many things as did I. Yet, before I lost my mind completely, a wise person said that I had to prioritize ME first if I wanted a different life, attitude and outcome.
I too encourage you to take good care of you. I got a chuckle out of how you see his mom....I suspect that's how my son's baby momma sees me at times. I tend to talk too much about silly things when I am nervous. I am not nervous often yet yesterday, She, her mother & I met to split up 'to-dos' for the graduation party we are planning and clearly I was nervous as I was kind of babbling on. They know me well enough to know I am not always crazy - just sometimes!
(((Hugs))) - one day at a time my friend is the best I can offer you today....and be gentle with you!
Dutchy said
May 2, 2018
My recovering husbands mum is lovely now that she knows what I've been going through for 4 years because she went through it with home for a month last year.
I often feel serene and think I am doing well albeit exhausted from running a household, managing finances which my husband keeps messing up because 'he earns the money so he can do what he wants with it' and 3 young children. Something will then happen, he will say something in couples counselling which completely derails me and I have to completely regroup whilst he goes on living his life at his mums, goes to AA and work and basically has all the time in the world to spend on himself.
I've learnt in the last few weeks that it's no use to get upset about it all the time. I need to go at this with a clear mind, calm. Me and the girls have our lives and our routines and we are as happy as we can be. There is still always the questions about my husband but at the moment they don't bother me anymore simply because there is absolutely nothing I can do. Last Sunday I spoke to him sternly after he had had seizures and wanted to end his life because being sober was not at all fun. I remained calm, put down the positives, his choices and that the world is still open to him if he wants it to be. Off course he has been quiet ever since and it doesn't bother me. I've my timeline, tomorrow is couples counselling and every week something becomes clear. My therapist always has something wise to say and I walk away from both wiser. Not necessarily calmer but I speak to my friends and family a lot. Do the Steps and although I do plan for the future I take every day as it comes.
However difficult and counter intuitive it sounds and feels....forget about him, do what you have to do, what you want to do. Maybe ask him to go and live with his mums for a bit and leave him be. He will do what he wants to do regardless of all the help in the world. Make time for you and your dog enjoy each others company. Concentrate on work and maybe use it as a distraction.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do and I'm not trying to be horrible, these are just my thoughts.....(((hugs)))
MizzB said
May 2, 2018
THank you Iamhere. When I meet the counsellor in 2 weeks, I know they run groups which is nearer for me than any of the al-anon meetings (which in London can take up to an hour to get to even though they tend to only be a few miles away!) and to have my own counselling will help too. I made asking for a referral a priority when I spoke to the addiction counsellor. The loneliness comes from sharing a one bed room apartment/flat with someone who won't sleep in the same bed as me (not that I"m ready to share my sleeping space) who won't tell me what has happened that day (his mother does that) and who makes every excuse to not be in a room with me. He would share space with me while his mother was there but as soon as she went, he'd shower or find some excuse not to be in the room with me. Has anyone else had that experience?
I can't address it while he's getting off the drink as there's no point. But my whole work day is spent with children not adults and so my conversations with my dog are the most intelligent conversation I get (and she's not great at talking about anything other than walks or food!). ABF has even stopped sending me messages during the day. It's not a relationship and I don't know if it will become one again. I did have the perfect opportunity to have some "adult" time last week but it didn't feel right.
While his mum was down I handed responsibility over to her. I focused on the things I wanted to do and now its back to me and him, it's unbearable. He's in another crisis tonight and his mum told me. I don't know if he's coming back or whether he's in hospital or anything like that. He tells her. He doesn't tell me anything anymore. And before his mum came down - and what led to the first crisis was that I completely stepped back and didn't even ask if he was coming back. She would update me. Now I need to get back in the mindset where I do my own thing and get back to the readings and self work.
Duchy - derailed is an excellent word. I am trying to do my own routines but some of the addiction stuff his counsellor is talking about involves me so I have that in the back of my mind - like how will we have an addiction nurse live here for 3 days when there's nowhere for him/her to sleep. How can I do my work with someone else there? He can't go to his mum's as she's going on holiday on Friday. I tried to get him to go for a bit but i couldn't persuade him so having his mum here was a compromise, plus all the rehab support is down here. I'm struggling with the serenity because today I come back to anger that he gets so much help and so many people there for him and I can't talk to my parents about it - I hid a lot from them as they're elderly now. Plus when I have time with my friends I don't want to talk about the same rubbish that is bringing me down during the week. I'm angry that after everything he's put me through he still refuses to communicate with me, as if it's my fault (although I believe the reality is that he's embarrassed about it all - but he will never get round to addressing it or apologising, he just likes to ignore it until it's all forgotten which it never really is - but then told the hopsital that the "strained atmosphere" at home was part of the problem). I also feel very self pitying today. I work 60-70 hour weeks AND look after the dog AND pay all the bills AND clean the flat and he can't even send me a text message. I felt I was doing so well a few weeks back and I really feel like I've taken massive steps back. But I need to practice being kind to myself. Which at the moment is easier said than done :(
MizzB said
May 2, 2018
HOwever I am working still on making friends at work. Today I brought chocolate to someone I do duty with. Buying friendship with chocolate seems to work :0)
Iamhere said
May 2, 2018
MizzB - we talk in Al-Anon about 'going to the hardware store for bread'. While it is a sad state of affairs, I know that expecting my A(s) to be helpful, attentive, communicative, etc. did not work well. Especially when they were active with the disease. Still today, for my sons who are in recovery, I set myself up for sadness and disappointment IF I expect them to fulfill any need in me. They just are not capable - I have hope one day it's better, but for today, not happening...
So - I get that you've got unmet needs and wants. What we learn in Al-Anon (and probably with counseling) is that there are millions of other ways to get those met. Joining a club, a gym or other helps as does meetings, recovery events, etc. I took up golf and don't really even like the game but know that I am getting too old to keep playing softball and will need something physical as that's where my interests are. I am not one to sit around knitting - even when I am really old vs. kind of old now.... ha.ha.ha.
I felt like a hostage in my own home when I used to wonder if they'll get sober, when they'll get sober, might they die instead, what about jail/hospital, etc., etc., etc., I mourned my fantasy of what my house/family should look like and accepted instead what it was/is. Acceptance of what is exactly as it is really helped me move forward and begin to heal.
Trying new things felt awkward and uncomfortable until it didn't. We each have to decide when enough is enough and when we can act our way to right thinking. I hope you get more breaks when school ends - sounds like you need them/one!! (((Hugs)))
Dutchy said
May 3, 2018
Ah MizzB it's so hard sometimes. I lived like this for 4 years with my now recovering husband. I couldn't keep moving the girls around. The house was ours and he kept saying it was his only so I should leave. Nothing was further than the truth as we both owned the house (we have sold it last year). Is it a possibility that you can take refuge at his mums place while she is away and let him soak in his own issues?
My husband is very uncommunicative. If I don't contact him than he I won't hear from him until we have our weekly counselling session (it does seem to wake him up for a day or 2 until he goes quiet again). When he is defensive he'll say that we are not his priority, when he is calmer and willing to talk he says he is actually scared, embarrassed and angry that he will hurt me more because he can't remember most of our 10 years together and whenever I come up with a memory 9 out of 10 times he won't have that memory, He is angry because he is having seizures whilst sober and he doesn't want to love like that. He also knows that a sober life will make them pretty much non existent but he is not able to think like that. Unfortunately there is no way we can help our other halves if the other halves don't want to be helped. When my husband was still actively drinking I sought help EVERYWHERE and no on would or could help me because he is drinking.
I've only just recently learnt that there is really nothing else i can do but look after me and the girls and let him be. If the house is yours then maybe do kick him out and don't listen to his threats. They are part manipulation. He will do what he wants to do whether you live with him or not but he's making your life proper hell.
As for not wanting to always come with bad news when you see friends, I can see where you are coming from but on the other hand, because I have told everyone what is going on, they provided me with a lot of fun, help when I needed it and somewhere to go for the girls when things got too much. They have been my lifeline for good times and bad times adn I think that's really important for own sanity while we go through this.
I also noticed that our cat has been more and more becoming herself after 4 years of hiding under the bed from the situation with my husband. SHe is coming to the girls, she is playing, going outside and spends all her time around us and not under the bed. It affects our beloved pets too.
Saturday - ABF suicidal. I go pick him up.
SUnday - "tapering" - 10 beers
Monday - he gets sent home from work for "not functioning" - he'd taken diazapam
Tuesday - call from his mum, police have been involved as he was suicidal, took out a lot of money and disappeared
Wednesday - He's in hospital and his mum comes down
Thursday - My mum comes over to help me look after the dog. He's in a hotel with his mum
Friday - he's back at home, drinking as it's too unsafe for him not to be. I spend my lunch break talking to an addition counsellor.
Saturday - I take a "day off" from alcoholism and hang out with a friend.
SUnday - his mum is still down. She talks a lot. I didn't get my work done for this week.
Monday-Tuesday - his mum is here. I get more stressed as I can't get my work done. SHe's lovely but she talks so much. HE's tapering down.
Wednesday - (that's today!) He goes back to work for a meeting. Was supposed to be home by 3. He's not back. HIs mum has gone home as sh'es going on holiday for a month. THe addiction counsellor is due tomorrow.
And me? I'm lonely. He's go so many people there for him and I"m struggling. He's not talking to me about much. Not messaging. I hear most things from his mum and now she's gone, I don't know anything. I'm leaving him to it. If he's gone back to the drinking, that's his choice.
But me, I was doing well but I'm struggling this week. Work is so so stressful as we get closer to exams. I've done so little all week as I haven't been able to get space to do that. I've got the added problem with lady hormones which make is really hard for me to be mentally strong and work the program. And I"m pretty tearful which could be the hormones, or it could be the tiredness or it could be the stress of the week. I think most people would struggle after a 60 hour week on top of everything else from this week.
I now have my own counsellor from the addiction service but because of work I can't meet her for 2 weeks. And some of the readings last week really resonated with me - was I feeling ok because I have numbed my feelings and this is now me feeling things again? Why does the first feeling to come back have to be pain and loneliness? Or is this just the frigging girl hormones which hits me every few months and make me feel clinically depressed? I guess I won't know for a couple of days which it is. But for now, I just have to get through this next hour. And then the next. And then the next.
My eyeballs popped out of my head at that one and drinking that's a good thing .. NOT. Alcohol and drugs prescription or otherwise is just not a good thing .. bless his heart.
Big hugs, I really want to encourage you to take care of yourself first .. when I first got to alanon I want to say I was there for everyone else .. the reality was I was so obsessed with my XAH that I didn't take care of myself as I was so exhausted .. then I guess that first part of the statement wasn't true because I was dragging my XMIL through her crap as well and she was attending alanon with the hopes X's dad would get better since it worked the last time .. that didn't workout that way this time and she was an emotional drain on my energy big time, in all fairness I was on hers as well.
This is not advice .. it is at the same time .. unless you address your needs first you will not be good to anyone. I am sorry that your AB's mom is in a bad way however no .. you don't have anyone to talk to because you are giving all of your time away and not filling your own cup. I could phrase that better however .. that's what Alanon taught me fill my own cup first and then I had extra to give .. without that I couldn't get a handle on anything.
In the past I would have wound up sounding like a shrew with what took place this week .. I try to remember badly on some days that my HP has got my back and it will workout. I just hate the unknown. I have to take care of me.
I have a point .. LOL .. it got lost in the throws of everything else .. first thing first .. take care of YOU!! YOU are worth it and YOU deserve the same time and care you are giving to everyone else.
Hugs S :)
I too encourage you to take good care of you. I got a chuckle out of how you see his mom....I suspect that's how my son's baby momma sees me at times. I tend to talk too much about silly things when I am nervous. I am not nervous often yet yesterday, She, her mother & I met to split up 'to-dos' for the graduation party we are planning and clearly I was nervous as I was kind of babbling on. They know me well enough to know I am not always crazy - just sometimes!
(((Hugs))) - one day at a time my friend is the best I can offer you today....and be gentle with you!
My recovering husbands mum is lovely now that she knows what I've been going through for 4 years because she went through it with home for a month last year.
I often feel serene and think I am doing well albeit exhausted from running a household, managing finances which my husband keeps messing up because 'he earns the money so he can do what he wants with it' and 3 young children. Something will then happen, he will say something in couples counselling which completely derails me and I have to completely regroup whilst he goes on living his life at his mums, goes to AA and work and basically has all the time in the world to spend on himself.
I've learnt in the last few weeks that it's no use to get upset about it all the time. I need to go at this with a clear mind, calm. Me and the girls have our lives and our routines and we are as happy as we can be. There is still always the questions about my husband but at the moment they don't bother me anymore simply because there is absolutely nothing I can do. Last Sunday I spoke to him sternly after he had had seizures and wanted to end his life because being sober was not at all fun. I remained calm, put down the positives, his choices and that the world is still open to him if he wants it to be. Off course he has been quiet ever since and it doesn't bother me. I've my timeline, tomorrow is couples counselling and every week something becomes clear. My therapist always has something wise to say and I walk away from both wiser. Not necessarily calmer but I speak to my friends and family a lot. Do the Steps and although I do plan for the future I take every day as it comes.
However difficult and counter intuitive it sounds and feels....forget about him, do what you have to do, what you want to do. Maybe ask him to go and live with his mums for a bit and leave him be. He will do what he wants to do regardless of all the help in the world. Make time for you and your dog enjoy each others company. Concentrate on work and maybe use it as a distraction.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do and I'm not trying to be horrible, these are just my thoughts.....(((hugs)))
I can't address it while he's getting off the drink as there's no point. But my whole work day is spent with children not adults and so my conversations with my dog are the most intelligent conversation I get (and she's not great at talking about anything other than walks or food!). ABF has even stopped sending me messages during the day. It's not a relationship and I don't know if it will become one again. I did have the perfect opportunity to have some "adult" time last week but it didn't feel right.
While his mum was down I handed responsibility over to her. I focused on the things I wanted to do and now its back to me and him, it's unbearable. He's in another crisis tonight and his mum told me. I don't know if he's coming back or whether he's in hospital or anything like that. He tells her. He doesn't tell me anything anymore. And before his mum came down - and what led to the first crisis was that I completely stepped back and didn't even ask if he was coming back. She would update me. Now I need to get back in the mindset where I do my own thing and get back to the readings and self work.
Duchy - derailed is an excellent word. I am trying to do my own routines but some of the addiction stuff his counsellor is talking about involves me so I have that in the back of my mind - like how will we have an addiction nurse live here for 3 days when there's nowhere for him/her to sleep. How can I do my work with someone else there? He can't go to his mum's as she's going on holiday on Friday. I tried to get him to go for a bit but i couldn't persuade him so having his mum here was a compromise, plus all the rehab support is down here. I'm struggling with the serenity because today I come back to anger that he gets so much help and so many people there for him and I can't talk to my parents about it - I hid a lot from them as they're elderly now. Plus when I have time with my friends I don't want to talk about the same rubbish that is bringing me down during the week. I'm angry that after everything he's put me through he still refuses to communicate with me, as if it's my fault (although I believe the reality is that he's embarrassed about it all - but he will never get round to addressing it or apologising, he just likes to ignore it until it's all forgotten which it never really is - but then told the hopsital that the "strained atmosphere" at home was part of the problem). I also feel very self pitying today. I work 60-70 hour weeks AND look after the dog AND pay all the bills AND clean the flat and he can't even send me a text message. I felt I was doing so well a few weeks back and I really feel like I've taken massive steps back. But I need to practice being kind to myself. Which at the moment is easier said than done :(
So - I get that you've got unmet needs and wants. What we learn in Al-Anon (and probably with counseling) is that there are millions of other ways to get those met. Joining a club, a gym or other helps as does meetings, recovery events, etc. I took up golf and don't really even like the game but know that I am getting too old to keep playing softball and will need something physical as that's where my interests are. I am not one to sit around knitting - even when I am really old vs. kind of old now.... ha.ha.ha.
I felt like a hostage in my own home when I used to wonder if they'll get sober, when they'll get sober, might they die instead, what about jail/hospital, etc., etc., etc., I mourned my fantasy of what my house/family should look like and accepted instead what it was/is. Acceptance of what is exactly as it is really helped me move forward and begin to heal.
Trying new things felt awkward and uncomfortable until it didn't. We each have to decide when enough is enough and when we can act our way to right thinking. I hope you get more breaks when school ends - sounds like you need them/one!! (((Hugs)))
Ah MizzB it's so hard sometimes. I lived like this for 4 years with my now recovering husband. I couldn't keep moving the girls around. The house was ours and he kept saying it was his only so I should leave. Nothing was further than the truth as we both owned the house (we have sold it last year). Is it a possibility that you can take refuge at his mums place while she is away and let him soak in his own issues?
My husband is very uncommunicative. If I don't contact him than he I won't hear from him until we have our weekly counselling session (it does seem to wake him up for a day or 2 until he goes quiet again). When he is defensive he'll say that we are not his priority, when he is calmer and willing to talk he says he is actually scared, embarrassed and angry that he will hurt me more because he can't remember most of our 10 years together and whenever I come up with a memory 9 out of 10 times he won't have that memory, He is angry because he is having seizures whilst sober and he doesn't want to love like that. He also knows that a sober life will make them pretty much non existent but he is not able to think like that. Unfortunately there is no way we can help our other halves if the other halves don't want to be helped. When my husband was still actively drinking I sought help EVERYWHERE and no on would or could help me because he is drinking.
I've only just recently learnt that there is really nothing else i can do but look after me and the girls and let him be. If the house is yours then maybe do kick him out and don't listen to his threats. They are part manipulation. He will do what he wants to do whether you live with him or not but he's making your life proper hell.
As for not wanting to always come with bad news when you see friends, I can see where you are coming from but on the other hand, because I have told everyone what is going on, they provided me with a lot of fun, help when I needed it and somewhere to go for the girls when things got too much. They have been my lifeline for good times and bad times adn I think that's really important for own sanity while we go through this.
I also noticed that our cat has been more and more becoming herself after 4 years of hiding under the bed from the situation with my husband. SHe is coming to the girls, she is playing, going outside and spends all her time around us and not under the bed. It affects our beloved pets too.
(((hugs)))