And I didn't let my "fixer" mentality instantly take over and do something stupid.
Over the years (for WAY too many years) I was really good at fixing my now 33 year old son's problems, many of them before he even realized that something was a problem - that's my picture next to "enabler" in the dictionary. Of course, none of my fixing did much of anything to change the course of his life - and because of my fixing, he never had to learn the really hard lessons, and so he kept making mistakes and kept on making bad decisions.
Towards the end of last year, I don't know if he hit bottom (things with these guys can always be worse than ya ever think), but I guess he got close enough to realize that he had to do a number of things different. So, he left where he was living and came halfway across the country to move in with his Mother, with the intention of working as much as he could, and saving enough money to have a "head start" when he moved back. He's working a lot as a waiter, but the money isn't accumulating as quickly as he'd hoped, mainly because he's paying off a number of accumulated debts and fines - a good thing, taking responsibility for digging himself out of the hole that he dug himself into. He's also been free of alcohol and substances, and after about 6 months, the fog is starting to clear for him - the efforts that used to go into drugs and alcohol now go into sweating at the gym, bike riding, eating healthy, and similar stuff.
Where he lives with his Mother is very close to where I live, and since he doesn't have a car, I frequently take him to work, saving him the expense of an Uber. I am very grateful for the time with my sober son, and we can now talk about a lot of stuff - meaningful stuff that we never got to before, dealing with crisis after crisis. I don't discuss the specifics of his debt, but the other day when I suggested that bankruptcy might be a possible solution, he said something about with his amount of debt that bankruptcy didn't make sense - not knowing the specifics, I don't know whether it makes sense or not, but I was so proud of myself for not jumping in to fix that problem. The voice inside of me that always got me into trouble with this stuff was saying that I could easily make the debt go away for him, and with a clear balance sheet, he'd have clear sailing - he didn't ask me to do anything about it, and thank goodness I didn't take any action on my own - he's gonna have to fix his own way out of this.
What I'm thankful for is that I was able to not just react in the wrong way, as I had done so many times before - for that, for today, I am very thankful - LOL, maybe some of this stuff is FINALLY sinking in and getting some traction - for today, at least.
hotrod said
Apr 23, 2018
((Texas Yankee)) I am glad that you were able to connect with your son in such a positive manner . Thanks for sharing the journey
Jerry F said
Apr 23, 2018
Texas Yankee I know where you are at as I have been there and done that myself. With my alcoholic addict son I learned with the guidance and empathy and compassion of the program to love without taking over. He lived with me once until I divorced him and separated leaving him to him and of course it got much much worse...arrrrggh!! Letting go and letting God was Higher Education and practice and difficult work and then I did it and when I did it he started to do him also and then years later relapsed and blew his life apart, family, marriage, church...everything. He has the liberty of coming over to my house and talking story just to keep up and when he does he drops tidbits of what he is doing now maybe I guess watching my body language to see if he is getting cheers. Several weeks ago he dropped by to a family get together he wasn't formally invited to (no special deal) and the man that walked into the even was CHANGED!! so I grabbed him and laughed (just for my own happiness of it) and told him to make a plate for himself and enjoy the time. The change was heady...combed hair even! polished shoes and clothes that matched as if he was heading out for a date and someone else other than family. God I love miracles!!
You're doing good...keep it up and keep smiling. YAY!! ((((hugs))))
serenity47 said
Apr 24, 2018
It is so nice to hear that you are getting to enjoy some positive connection time with your son. Good work on the not jumping in. It is indeed difficult to not try to fix what seems to be simple problems we could fix for them. I have to bite my tongue daily to not give advice or do things for my daughter that she is capable of doing for herself. Your right things can always get much worse then we ever imagined they could but we also never know when the miracle may occur either.
el-cee said
Apr 24, 2018
Thank you for sharing this morning. It's given me hope today that things can and do change and son's can reach bottom of some sort. Being grateful one day at a time. I remember learning about enabling and fixing and how it was helping the drinker from facing reality and stopping them grow up and I was quite shocked. I mistook enabling for love so I enabled in all my relationships. I had to get honest and see why I did this and do you know I learned it was all about me. I got scared then I fixed or controlled. If I got hopeful I fixed and controlled to try and keep the feeling. It was mostly about fear and let's face it there is nothing scarier that an alcoholic offspring. I still enable at times but mostly I don't because it's dangerous for an alcoholic. They have such low self esteem and believe themselves incapable and me and my fixing just confirms that for them and on and on it goes. I can only imagine how you must feel right now. Enjoy one day at a time.
Iamhere said
Apr 24, 2018
Texas Yankee - great share, great awareness and great growth! We are having some 'growing pain' moments in our family and I've been a bit distracted again by the disease in others. Your ESH reminds me that hope never goes away, progress is always a great thing and letting them learn in their way and in their time frame is truly a loving way to go. Keep doing you - looks awesome on you!
texas yankee said
Apr 24, 2018
Thanks for the ESH and the encouragement - I really didn't mean to pat myself on the back for this small "victory", but just wanted to share a bright spot in an otherwise frustrating journey. I am well aware that my success today could easily turn into a failure tomorrow, so I just keep saying the Step 11 prayer for myself, and for my Son, as a reminder that the answers for my son don't come from me.
Aline said
Apr 24, 2018
Good for you, TY :) Thanks for sharing, and I wish you and your son the best. Like you said, just for today you are doing OK, and that matters so much. I forget over and over again that I only have today to work with, and so I'm grateful for the reminders.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 26, 2018
Big hugs TY,
I don't think it's wrong to celebrate those small moments of oh .. this is what this feels like to work in the right direction. It feels REALLY good especially when things are going good.
Enjoy this time with your kiddo .. it's all to fleeting. The time I mean .. I miss my oldest fiercely at the moment and trust that things are moving in the right direction .. it's a daily challenge and not always easy when I am listening trying to keep my mouth shut unless asked .. that's a skill I have come late to.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 26, 2018
I personally believe that part of self-care is to celebrate us, our successes - big or small. For me, for far too long, I was way too serious and willing to celebrate everyone else. Taking pride in seeing growth and doing the next right thing is a good thing.
I have said this to my sons (who didn't really listen, but still....) so many times when playing sports - Be Confident - Not Cocky ... there is a difference.
Keep doing you - it's getting you to a new place and it seems to be a better place!
texas yankee said
Apr 26, 2018
Yeah, a bit of celebrating a success, something positive happening, does the soul good - plus, sharing a positive like this gives others hope, too - and we can all use some encouragement.
Iamhere said
Apr 26, 2018
Amen to that TY - Amen to that. Hope is as contagious as joy!
And I didn't let my "fixer" mentality instantly take over and do something stupid.
Over the years (for WAY too many years) I was really good at fixing my now 33 year old son's problems, many of them before he even realized that something was a problem - that's my picture next to "enabler" in the dictionary. Of course, none of my fixing did much of anything to change the course of his life - and because of my fixing, he never had to learn the really hard lessons, and so he kept making mistakes and kept on making bad decisions.
Towards the end of last year, I don't know if he hit bottom (things with these guys can always be worse than ya ever think), but I guess he got close enough to realize that he had to do a number of things different. So, he left where he was living and came halfway across the country to move in with his Mother, with the intention of working as much as he could, and saving enough money to have a "head start" when he moved back. He's working a lot as a waiter, but the money isn't accumulating as quickly as he'd hoped, mainly because he's paying off a number of accumulated debts and fines - a good thing, taking responsibility for digging himself out of the hole that he dug himself into. He's also been free of alcohol and substances, and after about 6 months, the fog is starting to clear for him - the efforts that used to go into drugs and alcohol now go into sweating at the gym, bike riding, eating healthy, and similar stuff.
Where he lives with his Mother is very close to where I live, and since he doesn't have a car, I frequently take him to work, saving him the expense of an Uber. I am very grateful for the time with my sober son, and we can now talk about a lot of stuff - meaningful stuff that we never got to before, dealing with crisis after crisis. I don't discuss the specifics of his debt, but the other day when I suggested that bankruptcy might be a possible solution, he said something about with his amount of debt that bankruptcy didn't make sense - not knowing the specifics, I don't know whether it makes sense or not, but I was so proud of myself for not jumping in to fix that problem. The voice inside of me that always got me into trouble with this stuff was saying that I could easily make the debt go away for him, and with a clear balance sheet, he'd have clear sailing - he didn't ask me to do anything about it, and thank goodness I didn't take any action on my own - he's gonna have to fix his own way out of this.
What I'm thankful for is that I was able to not just react in the wrong way, as I had done so many times before - for that, for today, I am very thankful - LOL, maybe some of this stuff is FINALLY sinking in and getting some traction - for today, at least.
Texas Yankee I know where you are at as I have been there and done that myself. With my alcoholic addict son I learned with the guidance and empathy and compassion of the program to love without taking over. He lived with me once until I divorced him and separated leaving him to him and of course it got much much worse...arrrrggh!! Letting go and letting God was Higher Education and practice and difficult work and then I did it and when I did it he started to do him also and then years later relapsed and blew his life apart, family, marriage, church...everything. He has the liberty of coming over to my house and talking story just to keep up and when he does he drops tidbits of what he is doing now maybe I guess watching my body language to see if he is getting cheers. Several weeks ago he dropped by to a family get together he wasn't formally invited to (no special deal) and the man that walked into the even was CHANGED!! so I grabbed him and laughed (just for my own happiness of it) and told him to make a plate for himself and enjoy the time. The change was heady...combed hair even! polished shoes and clothes that matched as if he was heading out for a date and someone else other than family. God I love miracles!!
You're doing good...keep it up and keep smiling. YAY!! ((((hugs))))
I don't think it's wrong to celebrate those small moments of oh .. this is what this feels like to work in the right direction. It feels REALLY good especially when things are going good.
Enjoy this time with your kiddo .. it's all to fleeting. The time I mean .. I miss my oldest fiercely at the moment and trust that things are moving in the right direction .. it's a daily challenge and not always easy when I am listening trying to keep my mouth shut unless asked .. that's a skill I have come late to.
Hugs S :)
I have said this to my sons (who didn't really listen, but still....) so many times when playing sports - Be Confident - Not Cocky ... there is a difference.
Keep doing you - it's getting you to a new place and it seems to be a better place!