I know I am still far away from this decision, although at times my emotions tell me to leave, kick him out for my sake and the kids. But he is the financial guy in the family. The idea of starting over is scary, so am I one of those that just stays in it?
So I need to know from those of you who did decide to leave--how did you handle it financially and legally? Like I have heard some say they started to stash cash in case they needed it. If there is ever a legal battle for how much financial payments alimony/child or child custody--if I have pictures and proof of the alcohol use/abuse would that help at all in any legal matters?
It is hard--I am trying to get my emotional needs met through Alanon and friends, but it is so hard living with AH who just ignores you or when he drinks you have to stay out of his way so that you are not bothered by the loudness and smell and at times verbal hazing/teasing. When he is not drinking he is still very self-centered. And I feel like such a whiner because I know so many of you have been/are going through so much more than me. I just really get in that funky spot where when I have to do so much to care for my own physical and emotional needs on my own--what good is the AH? I am hopefully going to start with a counselor soon so I hope that will help gain clarity. But you all who have been/are going through things have the best insight and understanding.
MizzB said
Apr 22, 2018
Hello Dancer,
I am in your situation in many ways - I have my deadline in place in my head for when I make him leave. I am using my mental energy to bide my time and become mentally stronger to be able to move on. I don't have children but my dog - who is my life - I'm going to have to spend the summer getting her used to a dog walker to be able to cope with work as well. Financially I"m ok while I can cope with work although I'd love the freedom to quit. . My biggest barriers are the emotional. But I too get the being ignored, the teasing (he pretends to be the dog talking and criticises how crap I am at looking after her - even though I'm the only one to walk her and feed her) and I have come to the conclusion that the only thing he adds to my life is stress. I spend most of my time on my own so it will be no different, I just won't have to worry about him coming in pissed and having to bite my tongue. I care or the dog on my own - without him, I won't have to worry that he's let her run away by leaving the door open. Its taken me a long time to get this fed up with my needs being irrelevant and not I'm just putting into place my strategies. It means I have to put up with another 3 months of his drinking, but I think I can do it. He is very ill but he is choosing not to engage in the help available so I'm out. In July.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 22, 2018
Big hugs Dancer,
I'm going to say what I always say .. you will know when you know and I find that to be a true statement even if it sounds a little bit trite. That's really the reality of the situation.
When my XAH and I split it was nasty so I do encourage you to pick a middle ground between what I did and what others who have been successful in navigating the divorce/active alcoholic dynamic. I am not sorry how mine turned out however I wish it had been less conflicted .. I was not having unacceptable behavior anymore .. far more so than the average going back.
It was scary and what I can tell you is I did the footwork and let my HP do the rest. I am ok with that.
What I impart to other people mostly women going through this is there is a light at the end of the tunnel .. sometimes it takes a while to get there however you will get there .. I have .. and using program will help with this and work through the pain.
There is a whole lot more than I realized in terms of resentments both justifiable as well as not imagined .. however not as grievous as I thought .. my perceptions changed throughout the years.
Raising 2 kids on my own and I do mean plan on being a single parent .. so build a support around you .. you will need it. Go to meetings, get a sponsor and seriously dive into your program .. it takes time to heal and you will get there.
This too shall pass, no one could have told me that things in my life would be the way they are right now .. it's not perfect .. boy oh boy .. it's sooo much better than it was being with my XAH. I was unable to move in any direction .. that was me .. and it's taken 7 years to cut the ties of control he's believed he's had.
Hugs S :)
Bo said
Apr 22, 2018
Dancer, I am sorry you are going through this, and the duress, anxiety, angst, and stress it creates can be devastating. That said, you are asking a lot of questions, some of which are legal, financial, etc., and some of which are personal, emotional, program-related, etc.
So, for the former -- go meet with an attorney -- a family law/divorce attorney. Not a general practitioner or someone who can handle divorces, but someone who specializes in it, focuses on it, and that's all they do. Speak with various professionals and get some recommendations, look for the experienced, seasoned attorneys who specialize in divorce.
For the latter, stick to the basics. The same thing -- the same advice that you will hear over and over again -- go to face to face meetings, find a sponsor, start focusing and working on YOU. Alanon will not teach you or tell you to stay. Nor will it teach or tell you to leave. In my experience, what it will do is help you make change, get better, get healthy, and arrive at a point where you will be ready to make decisions, and with me, arrive at a point where you will know what to do. When I started doing the work, I arrived at a point where I was able to make decisions from a place of strength, well-being, a healthy place, with clarity and focus, and confidence -- whereas before I would have been making decisions from a place of fear, duress, angst, anxiety, weakness, emotional stress, and so on. That's what alanon did for me.
All the best.
Mattie said
Apr 22, 2018
I can certainly say that my leaving was a success. I asked around and got a recommendation for an attorney who was familiar with alcoholic spouses and who gave me good advice. (He said to document everything as it happened, and once we had separated, to set up a visitation schedule I was comfortable with, because if it was an established schedule, the judge would probably stick with that.) As it happened, the fact that I had all this meant that my ex-AH did not make any serious attempt to dispute any of this. I think he was kinda relieved that he'd be left alone to drink, and wouldn't be on call for a lot of childcare. We didn't have any kind of alimony dispute because I made more money than he did (as anyone without his drinking habit would have - it's not that I made a ton of money!). The court required child support payments from him, but he was destitute so I never bothered trying to enforce those. I kinda wish I had, but it is what it is. Anyway, it was largely peaceful, except that he got very suspicious and paranoid right around the time of the legal decisions. But then it passed and life sure was much better than it had been ever since his drinking started to grab hold of him. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. We remained friendly until he died, but he always was a friendly and peaceful kind of person, so this was predictable. I wouldn't predict it of more hostile people, so every case is different. But our divorce was much more of a success than our marriage was.
el-cee said
Apr 23, 2018
I left and without Alanon and without a lot of thought. I had no plans, just packed a bag took my sons and left. I got so uncomfortable in it that the thought of anything that could go wrong felt so much better than staying. Simple as that really. Some wiser people would have left with much more than me. It was still the best move I made at the time. Things got worse for me and my family for a while, in fact much worse but eventually it got better, then when I got into program It got amazingly miraculously better. I got better. That's when everything changed for my family.
Dutchy said
Apr 23, 2018
When I was considering leaving, I was told by a lawyer to keep everything. Videos I'd made, pictures I'd taken. His hospital records, witness statements, everything. And ask for sole custody which would be very easy to get.
I, like you, was also afraid to leave as after our 3rd child was born we made the decision that I was going to be a stay at home mum which is what I always wanted but felt to guilty to do as it doesn't earn any money. My now recovering husband used to threaten that I would never make it on my own without his money which I now understand was just a scare tactic.
Through therapy and this forum, the works of the Steps I've realised that I can make it on my own if I so desired. Very easily. I would go back to the Netherlands (I am, Dutch, living in the UK, a Brexit nightmare) where I have my family to help me day and night and I would find me a job, hopefully in a school (I am a teacher and have a childcare degree), during school hours so I would earn some money and still wouldn't have someone else raising my children. I've always worked part time after our first was born.
At the moment, with my husband in recovering, I am waiting to see what happens over the next few months while I am working on myself and our eldest finishes her first year in school and if it doesn't work out or I am not happy (my husband is still living with his mum and has been living at his mums since he got out of rehab) I will be picking everything up and choosing the happiness of myself and our girls over 'helping' or supporting my husband and leave for the Netherlands where me and my family will figure it out. I have faith in my future and I want my future to be a happy one.
Jerry F said
Apr 23, 2018
I knew when I had enough when I was being treated in a way that I would not treat others and when I realized my alcoholic/addict wife was living by a set of rules that neither of us would have agreed to alone. The marriage would not and could not continue under any exception and so I came to trust that other person in my life which I came to understand as Higher Power who loved me without condition and didn't add more problems to my daily life. I had experience and skills and I had the fellowship which I was willing to rely on 24/7 so I did. When I got confused and my emotions and actions bordered on "making things worse" I stopped everything and sat at the knees of the fellowship and listened, listened, listened. I didn't do anything I knew nothing about and I practice acceptance so that I didn't make things worse. I left her alone and only took part where I had a part using empathy and compassion (she was sick not bad). When it came to property separation I let go of what I would honestly do and that included debts that were not mine. It took a while which it should and my lawyer got a lesson on what alcoholism is...looks like, sounds like, moves like. He was amazed!!
Not every thing worked out to my liking and everything did work out. Watching my HP get involved was a huge spiritual drama as HP is a different kind of action and in the end both she and I knew what love was without a need to be married....??? Enough was enough with benefits and happiness to last. I pray her well along with the step children. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
I know I am still far away from this decision, although at times my emotions tell me to leave, kick him out for my sake and the kids. But he is the financial guy in the family. The idea of starting over is scary, so am I one of those that just stays in it?
So I need to know from those of you who did decide to leave--how did you handle it financially and legally? Like I have heard some say they started to stash cash in case they needed it. If there is ever a legal battle for how much financial payments alimony/child or child custody--if I have pictures and proof of the alcohol use/abuse would that help at all in any legal matters?
It is hard--I am trying to get my emotional needs met through Alanon and friends, but it is so hard living with AH who just ignores you or when he drinks you have to stay out of his way so that you are not bothered by the loudness and smell and at times verbal hazing/teasing. When he is not drinking he is still very self-centered. And I feel like such a whiner because I know so many of you have been/are going through so much more than me. I just really get in that funky spot where when I have to do so much to care for my own physical and emotional needs on my own--what good is the AH? I am hopefully going to start with a counselor soon so I hope that will help gain clarity. But you all who have been/are going through things have the best insight and understanding.
I am in your situation in many ways - I have my deadline in place in my head for when I make him leave. I am using my mental energy to bide my time and become mentally stronger to be able to move on. I don't have children but my dog - who is my life - I'm going to have to spend the summer getting her used to a dog walker to be able to cope with work as well. Financially I"m ok while I can cope with work although I'd love the freedom to quit. . My biggest barriers are the emotional. But I too get the being ignored, the teasing (he pretends to be the dog talking and criticises how crap I am at looking after her - even though I'm the only one to walk her and feed her) and I have come to the conclusion that the only thing he adds to my life is stress. I spend most of my time on my own so it will be no different, I just won't have to worry about him coming in pissed and having to bite my tongue. I care or the dog on my own - without him, I won't have to worry that he's let her run away by leaving the door open. Its taken me a long time to get this fed up with my needs being irrelevant and not I'm just putting into place my strategies. It means I have to put up with another 3 months of his drinking, but I think I can do it. He is very ill but he is choosing not to engage in the help available so I'm out. In July.
I'm going to say what I always say .. you will know when you know and I find that to be a true statement even if it sounds a little bit trite. That's really the reality of the situation.
When my XAH and I split it was nasty so I do encourage you to pick a middle ground between what I did and what others who have been successful in navigating the divorce/active alcoholic dynamic. I am not sorry how mine turned out however I wish it had been less conflicted .. I was not having unacceptable behavior anymore .. far more so than the average going back.
It was scary and what I can tell you is I did the footwork and let my HP do the rest. I am ok with that.
What I impart to other people mostly women going through this is there is a light at the end of the tunnel .. sometimes it takes a while to get there however you will get there .. I have .. and using program will help with this and work through the pain.
There is a whole lot more than I realized in terms of resentments both justifiable as well as not imagined .. however not as grievous as I thought .. my perceptions changed throughout the years.
Raising 2 kids on my own and I do mean plan on being a single parent .. so build a support around you .. you will need it. Go to meetings, get a sponsor and seriously dive into your program .. it takes time to heal and you will get there.
This too shall pass, no one could have told me that things in my life would be the way they are right now .. it's not perfect .. boy oh boy .. it's sooo much better than it was being with my XAH. I was unable to move in any direction .. that was me .. and it's taken 7 years to cut the ties of control he's believed he's had.
Hugs S :)
So, for the former -- go meet with an attorney -- a family law/divorce attorney. Not a general practitioner or someone who can handle divorces, but someone who specializes in it, focuses on it, and that's all they do. Speak with various professionals and get some recommendations, look for the experienced, seasoned attorneys who specialize in divorce.
For the latter, stick to the basics. The same thing -- the same advice that you will hear over and over again -- go to face to face meetings, find a sponsor, start focusing and working on YOU. Alanon will not teach you or tell you to stay. Nor will it teach or tell you to leave. In my experience, what it will do is help you make change, get better, get healthy, and arrive at a point where you will be ready to make decisions, and with me, arrive at a point where you will know what to do. When I started doing the work, I arrived at a point where I was able to make decisions from a place of strength, well-being, a healthy place, with clarity and focus, and confidence -- whereas before I would have been making decisions from a place of fear, duress, angst, anxiety, weakness, emotional stress, and so on. That's what alanon did for me.
All the best.
I can certainly say that my leaving was a success. I asked around and got a recommendation for an attorney who was familiar with alcoholic spouses and who gave me good advice. (He said to document everything as it happened, and once we had separated, to set up a visitation schedule I was comfortable with, because if it was an established schedule, the judge would probably stick with that.) As it happened, the fact that I had all this meant that my ex-AH did not make any serious attempt to dispute any of this. I think he was kinda relieved that he'd be left alone to drink, and wouldn't be on call for a lot of childcare. We didn't have any kind of alimony dispute because I made more money than he did (as anyone without his drinking habit would have - it's not that I made a ton of money!). The court required child support payments from him, but he was destitute so I never bothered trying to enforce those. I kinda wish I had, but it is what it is. Anyway, it was largely peaceful, except that he got very suspicious and paranoid right around the time of the legal decisions. But then it passed and life sure was much better than it had been ever since his drinking started to grab hold of him. Leaving was the best decision I ever made. We remained friendly until he died, but he always was a friendly and peaceful kind of person, so this was predictable. I wouldn't predict it of more hostile people, so every case is different. But our divorce was much more of a success than our marriage was.
I left and without Alanon and without a lot of thought. I had no plans, just packed a bag took my sons and left. I got so uncomfortable in it that the thought of anything that could go wrong felt so much better than staying. Simple as that really. Some wiser people would have left with much more than me. It was still the best move I made at the time. Things got worse for me and my family for a while, in fact much worse but eventually it got better, then when I got into program It got amazingly miraculously better. I got better. That's when everything changed for my family.
I, like you, was also afraid to leave as after our 3rd child was born we made the decision that I was going to be a stay at home mum which is what I always wanted but felt to guilty to do as it doesn't earn any money. My now recovering husband used to threaten that I would never make it on my own without his money which I now understand was just a scare tactic.
Through therapy and this forum, the works of the Steps I've realised that I can make it on my own if I so desired. Very easily. I would go back to the Netherlands (I am, Dutch, living in the UK, a Brexit nightmare) where I have my family to help me day and night and I would find me a job, hopefully in a school (I am a teacher and have a childcare degree), during school hours so I would earn some money and still wouldn't have someone else raising my children. I've always worked part time after our first was born.
At the moment, with my husband in recovering, I am waiting to see what happens over the next few months while I am working on myself and our eldest finishes her first year in school and if it doesn't work out or I am not happy (my husband is still living with his mum and has been living at his mums since he got out of rehab) I will be picking everything up and choosing the happiness of myself and our girls over 'helping' or supporting my husband and leave for the Netherlands where me and my family will figure it out. I have faith in my future and I want my future to be a happy one.
I knew when I had enough when I was being treated in a way that I would not treat others and when I realized my alcoholic/addict wife was living by a set of rules that neither of us would have agreed to alone. The marriage would not and could not continue under any exception and so I came to trust that other person in my life which I came to understand as Higher Power who loved me without condition and didn't add more problems to my daily life. I had experience and skills and I had the fellowship which I was willing to rely on 24/7 so I did. When I got confused and my emotions and actions bordered on "making things worse" I stopped everything and sat at the knees of the fellowship and listened, listened, listened. I didn't do anything I knew nothing about and I practice acceptance so that I didn't make things worse. I left her alone and only took part where I had a part using empathy and compassion (she was sick not bad). When it came to property separation I let go of what I would honestly do and that included debts that were not mine. It took a while which it should and my lawyer got a lesson on what alcoholism is...looks like, sounds like, moves like. He was amazed!!
Not every thing worked out to my liking and everything did work out. Watching my HP get involved was a huge spiritual drama as HP is a different kind of action and in the end both she and I knew what love was without a need to be married....??? Enough was enough with benefits and happiness to last. I pray her well along with the step children. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))