Hi am jealous? Or if I am don't I have a right to be? My AH wants his best mate to be his sponsor as well. Is this right? My AH met him at AA a few years ago and the relationship immediately took over. Constant phonecalls etc. I hadn't met the guy and the first thing he said was ' shall I get him to take time off work' etc which is fine to ask me later on once I had got to know him.
hotrod said
Apr 21, 2018
Hi Ling I am confused over your concern . It is suggested that we look for someone in program that we can relate to and have them sponsor us. It sounds as if your husband has done just that
Donehurting said
Apr 21, 2018
IMHO YES you have the right to be jealous. My AW has her best friend as her sponsor but she lives across the country. This woman is a mess and advises my AW terribly yet has influence I cannot compete with. AW also has made very close friends here at her AA meetings. Seems sometimes as if those are her primary relationships. I am struggling with the cultlike messages i read and hear in my Al-Anon program. I've been attending Al-Anon for 6 months now, read the materials and participate in online discussions /readings of AA and Al-Anon. I am trying to be openminded but I do not like what I see.
I am married for decades yat feel like I am losing AW to AA. Used to be just losing her momentarily to the drink... now it's 24/7 AA. Not bashing AA or Al-Anon... just sayin' it like I see it. Yes I keep going back to the meetings to try to figure out the good stuff. It must be there, I just haven't found it yet. Still struggling with losing the marriage to AA and losing it I am!
Bring back Prohibition!
-- Edited by Donehurting on Saturday 21st of April 2018 07:12:35 AM
hotrod said
Apr 21, 2018
If we attend our own meetings, connect with a sponsor for yourselves ,we can then receive the support , compassion and understanding that are so important to our recovery Both programs are a"WE" program and depending too much on one person for emotional support often back fires Sponsors can be changed , fired etc
Bo said
Apr 21, 2018
Donehurting wrote:
IMHO YES you have the right to be jealous. My AW has her best friend as her sponsor but she lives across the country. This woman is a mess and advises my AW terribly yet has influence I cannot compete with. AW also has made very close friends here at her AA meetings. Seems sometimes as if those are her primary relationships. I am struggling with the cultlike messages i read and hear in my Al-Anon program. I've been attending Al-Anon for 6 months now, read the materials and participate in online discussions /readings of AA and Al-Anon. I am trying to be openminded but I do not like what I see.
I am married for decades yat feel like I am losing AW to AA. Used to be just losing her momentarily to the drink... now it's 24/7 AA. Not bashing AA or Al-Anon... just sayin' it like I see it. Yes I keep going back to the meetings to try to figure out the good stuff. It must be there, I just haven't found it yet. Still struggling with losing the marriage to AA and losing it I am!
Bring back Prohibition!
-- Edited by Donehurting on Saturday 21st of April 2018 07:12:35 AM
DH, I understand the feeling of losing a wife/husband "to" AA. I get it. That said, can you give an example of the cult-like messages you read or heard? What don't you like? I am just curious what you don't like. I wonder if it's in face to face alanon meetings, or if it's here, or somewhere else?
The feeling of losing your AW, or your marriage for that matter, to AA is one thing -- but feelings aren't facts. That may not really be happening. You could be allowing some fears and some uncomfortable factors to be overwhelming you or the situation. You are looking at this very initially, and perhaps not through experienced lenses. Express what you are feeling, what's going on, and, in addition, if you share this at face to face meetings -- I am sure you will get some answers.
Jerry F said
Apr 21, 2018
I like this post as it can lead to some substantial growth if it is used to inventory my own recovery. Am I so different from the others that I can or cannot work the program as suggested? I use to think that way until I gave up because nothing changes if nothing changes. One thing I had to change was how I accepted the principles of recovery. I gave up certain ways of thinking and one of them was that "I had the right" to do whatever. Rights to me meant laws that supported my thoughts, feelings and actions even if after inspection I found these suspect for the problems I was having. I made a change in my thinking that put more of the responsibility for the outcomes "on me" and not on the "rights" I thought I had and so the change became "I have the ability and Opportunity to do what I accepted best for me and therefore was totally responsible for the outcomes, yes often the messes I got myself in.
I don't self sponsor anymore, I have much better people in my life to help me thru it. ((((hugs))))
IMHO YES you have the right to be jealous. My AW has her best friend as her sponsor but she lives across the country. This woman is a mess and advises my AW terribly yet has influence I cannot compete with. AW also has made very close friends here at her AA meetings. Seems sometimes as if those are her primary relationships. I am struggling with the cultlike messages i read and hear in my Al-Anon program. I've been attending Al-Anon for 6 months now, read the materials and participate in online discussions /readings of AA and Al-Anon. I am trying to be openminded but I do not like what I see.
I am married for decades yat feel like I am losing AW to AA. Used to be just losing her momentarily to the drink... now it's 24/7 AA.
Not bashing AA or Al-Anon... just sayin' it like I see it. Yes I keep going back to the meetings to try to figure out the good stuff. It must be there, I just haven't found it yet. Still struggling with losing the marriage to AA and losing it I am!
Bring back Prohibition!
-- Edited by Donehurting on Saturday 21st of April 2018 07:12:35 AM
If we attend our own meetings, connect with a sponsor for yourselves ,we can then receive the support , compassion and understanding that are so important to our recovery Both programs are a"WE" program and depending too much on one person for emotional support often back fires Sponsors can be changed , fired etc
DH, I understand the feeling of losing a wife/husband "to" AA. I get it. That said, can you give an example of the cult-like messages you read or heard? What don't you like? I am just curious what you don't like. I wonder if it's in face to face alanon meetings, or if it's here, or somewhere else?
The feeling of losing your AW, or your marriage for that matter, to AA is one thing -- but feelings aren't facts. That may not really be happening. You could be allowing some fears and some uncomfortable factors to be overwhelming you or the situation. You are looking at this very initially, and perhaps not through experienced lenses. Express what you are feeling, what's going on, and, in addition, if you share this at face to face meetings -- I am sure you will get some answers.
I like this post as it can lead to some substantial growth if it is used to inventory my own recovery. Am I so different from the others that I can or cannot work the program as suggested? I use to think that way until I gave up because nothing changes if nothing changes. One thing I had to change was how I accepted the principles of recovery. I gave up certain ways of thinking and one of them was that "I had the right" to do whatever. Rights to me meant laws that supported my thoughts, feelings and actions even if after inspection I found these suspect for the problems I was having. I made a change in my thinking that put more of the responsibility for the outcomes "on me" and not on the "rights" I thought I had and so the change became "I have the ability and Opportunity to do what I accepted best for me and therefore was totally responsible for the outcomes, yes often the messes I got myself in.
I don't self sponsor anymore, I have much better people in my life to help me thru it. ((((hugs))))