I am going absolutely crazy today. I have been in a funk and crying all day. I feel like my ABF is upset with me because of this. He drank last night and although I think I handled last night well, I did not handle this morning or today well at all. I have that overwhelming fear again... that he'll leave me, that he'll drink tonight, that he's mad at me. He won't be home right after work and that is making me fearful as well. I am going absolutely crazy over here. Please, encouragement!!
Mattie said
Apr 19, 2018
Hang in there, I think we've all been there. Alcoholism throws everyone around into chaos.
If he were upset with you, is there a risk that he would be violent? If so, I hope you'll take good care of yourself - find a safe other place to be, or have an escape plan ready.
I lived in fear of my various addict boyfriends (serial, not all at the same time, lol) leaving. One thing I found is that it's harder to get rid of them than they like to pretend. They're always threatening to leave because that helps keep us in line. We get off balance because we want them to stay. Another reason is that they can't really "do" intimacy and a close relationship, because they're already in a close relationship with the bottle. So they drift in and out in a way that a healthier person wouldn't, since they're never fully "in" to begin with. (Except sometimes in the heady beginning stages, when they're super-intense.) They're present, but not in.
I thought that if my A left, I would fall apart. I thought the feelings would crush me. What I found is that I needed a process to handle those feelings, but the process couldn't be "I leave them to my A to control." Al-Anon and therapy and lots of reading and working helped me handle the feelings.
In the end I was the one who left, and I was fine. In fact I should have done it way earlier.
Right now I hope you'll take good care of yourself, and sooth yourself however best works for you. And keep yourself safe from harm. And do you have a meeting? There's nothing for the feeling of healing like a meeting. Hugs.
Karebear said
Apr 19, 2018
Hi Mattie, thanks for the encouragement. Thankfully, he has never been violent with me and if I'm being completely honest he's never actually been mad at me. That is my own distorted thinking that someone somewhere must be mad at me. I'm not sure where this comes from.
I'm finding this disease to be very discouraging. My boyfriend is a genuinely great guy who can't seem to find his way to sobriety. It makes me feel utterly defeated.
hotrod said
Apr 19, 2018
((karebear)) I found if I Recited the serenity prayer nd did o not project negative outcomes I felt better , try to get to a face to face meeting and read one of our daily readers. You are not alone
Keep coming back
Aline said
Apr 20, 2018
Hugs, ((Karebear)), I hope you are feeling better. What has been very helpful to me since quite early in the program is making daily gratitude lists - all the things I can find to be grateful for... I was initially unsure how could that help, but I started doing that anyway because I was also going crazy... It did help despite my doubts, and I still do a daily gratitude list each evening and sometimes also recite to myself what I'm grateful for during the day when I'm having a tough time. The list was rather small at the beginning, but I was told by someone in the program to try and find at least 3 things I'm grateful for each day. Keep coming back, you are not alone.
el-cee said
Apr 20, 2018
I can relate to where you are. Alcoholism is a disease, a thinking disease and the drinker becomes obsessed with drink and we become obsessed with the drinker. Your post reminds me of when I was obsessed with another person. The only relief I found was becoming a member of Alanon and comitting to my own recovery from this. It worked, I mostly live my own life now and let others live theirs.
Bo said
Apr 20, 2018
Karebear wrote:
Hello everyone,
I am going absolutely crazy today. I have been in a funk and crying all day. I feel like my ABF is upset with me because of this. He drank last night and although I think I handled last night well, I did not handle this morning or today well at all. I have that overwhelming fear again... that he'll leave me, that he'll drink tonight, that he's mad at me. He won't be home right after work and that is making me fearful as well. I am going absolutely crazy over here. Please, encouragement!!
Karebear -- welcome. I hope you are feeling better. When I was where you are, one thing I did was, and which ended up saving my life, was...do the next right thing in front of you. Whatever it is. Paying a bill, doing laundry, work, cooking a meal. My sponsor taught me to do the next thing in front of me, with a laser precision focus and intensity, with no distractions whatsoever. This got me to "break the pattern" of being so focused and immersed with "her" -- the alcoholic in my life, which happened to be my wife. I was so focused on her, worried about her, worried about her being angry at me, where she was, was she drinking, and so on and so on and so on. I had to have a paradigm shift in my thinking, my being.
So, give that a shot. Also, try getting the alanon daily readers -- Courage to Change, and One Day at a Time. Do the readings, every single day. I did them morning and night. Do them when you are distracted, anxious, worried, etc. Look in the back, at the index, whatever feeling or emotion you are experiencing, look it up and do the readings on those.
Karebear, co-dependency is a disease. It is not a stigma, nor anything to be embarrassed at. It is very common along side of, and intertwined with the disease of addiction. Every single day, make a constant and never-ending effort to focus on you and getting better.
Most important -- go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Talk to him or her. Every day. Start focusing and working on YOU. All the best.
madowl86 said
Apr 28, 2018
Karebear, I could switch places with you and weād be staring at the same boyfriend. I am an internal mess when my boyfriend drinks, even if he doesnāt get mean. I worry constantly about where he is and what heās doing. As much as I try to tell myself iām being irrational, the truth is I am not at rest until he goes to bed. When he drinks, I am worried that if I go to bed before him, heās going to leave to go out. I donāt ever tell him this, because Iām afraid heāll find it insulting and he wonāt underatand. Each day I try to just calm myself and take it one day at a time. I set tiny goals for myself like āfor the next 10 minutes focus on something that makes you happyā and it takes my mind off the drinking. We are masters at disguising how we feel. He would never know what is going through my mind. Iām sorry that you are also going through this. Keep coming back here, it helps to get it out and it helps knowing youāre not alone.
Hello everyone,
I am going absolutely crazy today. I have been in a funk and crying all day. I feel like my ABF is upset with me because of this. He drank last night and although I think I handled last night well, I did not handle this morning or today well at all. I have that overwhelming fear again... that he'll leave me, that he'll drink tonight, that he's mad at me. He won't be home right after work and that is making me fearful as well. I am going absolutely crazy over here. Please, encouragement!!
Hang in there, I think we've all been there. Alcoholism throws everyone around into chaos.
If he were upset with you, is there a risk that he would be violent? If so, I hope you'll take good care of yourself - find a safe other place to be, or have an escape plan ready.
I lived in fear of my various addict boyfriends (serial, not all at the same time, lol) leaving. One thing I found is that it's harder to get rid of them than they like to pretend. They're always threatening to leave because that helps keep us in line. We get off balance because we want them to stay. Another reason is that they can't really "do" intimacy and a close relationship, because they're already in a close relationship with the bottle. So they drift in and out in a way that a healthier person wouldn't, since they're never fully "in" to begin with. (Except sometimes in the heady beginning stages, when they're super-intense.) They're present, but not in.
I thought that if my A left, I would fall apart. I thought the feelings would crush me. What I found is that I needed a process to handle those feelings, but the process couldn't be "I leave them to my A to control." Al-Anon and therapy and lots of reading and working helped me handle the feelings.
In the end I was the one who left, and I was fine. In fact I should have done it way earlier.
Right now I hope you'll take good care of yourself, and sooth yourself however best works for you. And keep yourself safe from harm. And do you have a meeting? There's nothing for the feeling of healing like a meeting. Hugs.
Keep coming back
I can relate to where you are. Alcoholism is a disease, a thinking disease and the drinker becomes obsessed with drink and we become obsessed with the drinker. Your post reminds me of when I was obsessed with another person. The only relief I found was becoming a member of Alanon and comitting to my own recovery from this. It worked, I mostly live my own life now and let others live theirs.
Karebear -- welcome. I hope you are feeling better. When I was where you are, one thing I did was, and which ended up saving my life, was...do the next right thing in front of you. Whatever it is. Paying a bill, doing laundry, work, cooking a meal. My sponsor taught me to do the next thing in front of me, with a laser precision focus and intensity, with no distractions whatsoever. This got me to "break the pattern" of being so focused and immersed with "her" -- the alcoholic in my life, which happened to be my wife. I was so focused on her, worried about her, worried about her being angry at me, where she was, was she drinking, and so on and so on and so on. I had to have a paradigm shift in my thinking, my being.
So, give that a shot. Also, try getting the alanon daily readers -- Courage to Change, and One Day at a Time. Do the readings, every single day. I did them morning and night. Do them when you are distracted, anxious, worried, etc. Look in the back, at the index, whatever feeling or emotion you are experiencing, look it up and do the readings on those.
Karebear, co-dependency is a disease. It is not a stigma, nor anything to be embarrassed at. It is very common along side of, and intertwined with the disease of addiction. Every single day, make a constant and never-ending effort to focus on you and getting better.
Most important -- go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Talk to him or her. Every day. Start focusing and working on YOU. All the best.