Hi I am new here. I hope someone can help me make some decisions about my relationship with my boyfriend of 9 years. We live together. He has a 13 daughter that I love. He's an functioning alcoholic in my opinion. First of all I want you to know he is a good man. He is very sensitive and caring and I know he loves me. He does not abuse me at all when he drinks, he gets happier. Here is the problem. When he drinks he gets stupid and lazy and make poor financial decisions. I am a highly functioning person so this makes me crazy to have to constantly ask him if he's taken care of his business such as paying bills.
So here's the next big problem. He knows I don't want him drinking hard liquor, so he hides it. Of course I know when he's had even a drink or two and when I ask him if he's been drinking he says no. I know his habits. I can find his hidden liquor bottles pretty quick and then confront him and of course he says its an old bottle. I must have STUPID written on my forehead.....
Now after so many fights, he promises me he will seek help and stop. So I give him another chance. And it happens all over again. Promise after promise. Lie after Lie!!! I cannot stand that he lies to me!!! I can't trust him. He makes excuses for his drinking; it was only 1 drink........ But he can't get it thru his scull that i can't take it that he lies to me instead of just coming clean and admitting it so we can deal with it together. He's attended 2 AA meetings and he thinks because he does not go on 4 day benders like the others that he does not have a problem. I am nearly there, kicking him out of the house, unfortunately with that beautiful daughter of his that I LOVE.
I told him that he has to want to change and save our family. I can't do it for him. I can't believe that when he knows he's so close to our relationship ending, he will still sneak drinks at the cost of splitting up our family. Why can't he get this through his head?!?!! He's a loving man, how do I end it when I do love him and his daughter? I plan to go to an Alanon meetings starting next week. There is only one day I can go due to my work schedule.
Jerry F said
Apr 18, 2018
Carrie welcome to the family and I hope you come back often including locating where the face to face Al-Anon Family Groups are in your area and neighborhood. Trying to put up with this disease without the Experience Strength and Hope within our program will continue to assault your ability to function. He is not a functioning alcoholic...for me there is no such thing especially when I listen to a family member or friend or associate speak to the sickness it brings into their lives without knowing how to or having experience with others who have gone thru it ourselves.
This disease is a fatal, incurable disease if not arrested by total abstinence and it isn't only the alcoholic that experiences these consequences. Al-Anon and AA are in every location around the planet. The chemical is a mind and mood altering chemical and doesn't stop because people wish it would. I went to college to come to an understanding what I was going thru having been born and raise with it, became an alcoholic, married into it and more. The program taught me and continues to allow me to live sanely.
Please keep coming back because this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
CarrieS said
Apr 18, 2018
Thank you for your kind words and also some insight on this disease, Jerry. I will keep posting and learn more at the local Alanon meetings. I am very glad that you are successful with the program and can only pray that we get the same results some day, and before it is too late for us.
andromeda said
Apr 18, 2018
Carrie, I understand. I've been there. Many of us have. Please find meetings or local support for yourself as it will help you understand that you are not alone. My XAH(ex alcoholic husband) couldn't quit even after a DUI, after spending $15K on that DUI, after my threatening to leave, etc.....NOTHING was going to make him stop until he was ready to stop. Nothing you say will make a difference. He will lie, and I'm sorry to say that you may just have to accept that it's who he is. He lies to hide the disease not because he hates your or has it out for you. It's not personal. He's not doing this TO YOU, or to your family. He's doing this to himself and you and the family become collateral damage, so to speak.
But, you can find peace and it is possible to find healing. but, that healing will be for YOU and you will find it even if he stops drinking or even if he continues to drink. Al Anon is about US not about them. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how painful it is to have your spouse look you dead in the eyes and lie and you believe them because you love them and they seem so believable. Hugs and loving support to you!
serenity47 said
Apr 18, 2018
Hi and welcome to the forum. I remember all the lies that went on with my AD and it drove me completely crazy. I would know the answer to the questions I presented to her, yet asked anyways, she would lie and then I would be upset. I took it all very personally and I was very hurt for a long time. Around and around we went in this crazy dysfunctional dance. It wasn't until I decided to detach with love and get off of the merry go round that things began to improve for me. Even in sobriety, the lies are often still present. It is part of the disease. There is a huge difference in being sober and being in recovery. I had to quit taking my loved ones inventory and begin to focus on what I could do with my own life and learn to ease my own pain. I have had to work hard to get rid of my resentments and learn to trust people again. It is a process. Reading the literature, seeking support at the meetings have helped me . Recovery did not happen overnight, it takes time and patience but my life worth it and so is yours.
Dutchy said
Apr 19, 2018
Hi Carrie, welcome to the forum.
My husband was very similar to what you are describing your boyfriend only my husband would get nasty and abusive.
Unfortunately I have learned that nothing we say or do or threat will get what we want. He either doesn''t want it or isn't capable of it because of his disease. Any form of help will only work if he really really wants to work on it himself. And even then I learned through experience, life is very difficult for him as in being sober and building a life without alcohol.
I started having 1-1 therapy sessions for myself and am learning to detach from his issues however difficult. I have to it for the girls.
I this that even if your relationship doesn't survive you can still have an amazing bond with his daughter. I presume she knows too. How does she feel about it? Does she talk about it? To be 13 is hard enough without having an alcoholic father.
Iamhere said
Apr 19, 2018
Hello Carrie - welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I too have BTDT - Been There & Done That - and it's just not a fun place to be. Attending Al-Anon meetings, working with a sponsor and focusing on me helped pave a path to much better days. Living with this disease is too much for most of us and I would be even crazier without recovery.
I hope you find some local meetings, and give Al-Anon a try. Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!
MizzB said
Apr 19, 2018
HI Carrie,
my ABF is the same. He went to AA and convinced himself he wasn't that bad because he "only" drinks wine and beer - so he couldn't be an alcoholic. I have been through the lies and the hiding drinking and everything. So if I don't want him to lie to me, I don't ask. I know when he's been drinking, I don't need his confirmation and asking and getting a lie just makes me feel bad - doesn't impact on him so why would I go out of my way to make myself feel bad?. I have put into place my boundaries - I won't have alcohol in the house, so if he drinks, he has to do it elsewhere (and don't get me wrong, that is stressful as well).
My partner also drinks even though I have told him that our relationship is going to end as I can't deal with it anymore. We learn here that we can't change the other person. We can put forwards our position but if they don't want to change, they won't. My ABF took over a year to truely accept he is an alcoholic and I still wonder if he's still in denial on some of it and yet he's still drinking because there's a part of him that either doesn't want to change or is finding it too hard. I am detaching at the moment, taking time to organise things for when I ask him to move out (I don't have children, I do have a dog though and she takes a lot of care). He loves alcohol, his job is a trigger and me... I"m just the person who pays the bills. I'm sure he loves me but mostly I'm just a carer for when he's drunk (which is a role I refuse to take but he takes advantage of me paying bills and cleaning because I want a nice flat to live in).
Anyway, it's taken me a long time to come to a point where I deal with him calmly and where I can even think about kicking him out and finding a future beyond him. This program has helped and my family here are lifesavers. Keep coming back. The disease is bigger than you or me so all we can work on is ourselves.
Rachael
SerenityRUS said
Apr 19, 2018
Hugs Carrie,
You are not alone on any level as previous posters have shared, it took me a long time to figure out that the A in my life was going to drink or not drink and nothing I did or didn't do mattered in regards to how powerless I am over alcoholism/addiction.
The standard phrase is .. the A is going to drink or not drink .. what am I going to do. I used to phrase that as a question .. now it's a statement.
Big hugs and keep coming back .. I'm really glad to hear you are going to reach out to a local Alanon meeting they are life savers.
S :)
CarrieS said
Apr 19, 2018
After reading this and other topics, I feel as though I am kind of acting like a spoiled brat. Most people / families on the forum have had terrible experiences with an alcoholic. I am sitting here complaining because my boyfriend hides his drinking and lies to me because he knows I don't like it. So many people have been horribly abused. He doesn't lie to me about anything else and in general we have a good relationship. We can talk about everything together, he helps me around the house and does everything I ask of him (except stop drinking!) When he drinks I only see him get "happy"; I really don't remember the last time I saw him really drunk. I think his lying to me has affected me more than the drinking. He says he's going to AA meetings; we'll just see but I feel like I should not be complaining after what everyone else has been thru, in fact I kind of feel as though I have wasted your time and feel a little ashamed.
I will still be going to the Al-anon meetings so I can sort out my thoughts and/or actions. Thank you all for listening and offering your experiences; you are awesome people.
Jerry F said
Apr 19, 2018
Carrie don't be so hard on yourself ...this disease is cunning powerful and baffling lying is just one piece of evidence that it is in your and your husbands life. Lying is a manipulation often used to calm the victim down and deflect responsibility. Of course it does more and has many acts. My alcoholic/addict wife use to fill her empty perfume and cologne bottles (small as they were) with alcohol and load her purse up and then when we were out entertaining she would drink what was on the table and then also go to the potty to top herself off. Smarty pants almost killed herself.
Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
el-cee said
Apr 20, 2018
Yeah, alcoholics drink, hide it, lie about it. That's what they do, its part of their disease. Us, we obsess about their drinking, obsess about catching them out. Its just a horrible mix of two people stuck in obsession blaming each other. Al Anon will help you get out of this cycle if thats what you want. It takes commitment and self searching but it gets you freedom. Good luck.
Dutchy said
Apr 20, 2018
The best advice I'd ever gotten was 'bring it all back to you'.
As an active alcoholic my husband was loving, a great father, did everything for me and the girls, helped around and wanted to be the ALPHA male but the disease takes hold and he became a horribly emotionally abusive husband at night. You are not a spoiled brat, you love him, you see a problem and you want him to get better. Unfortunately this is not a cold and the best thing you can do is bring your life back to you.
I am currently doing the 12 Steps on here and it's a huge help together with my therapy and this forum. Unless he wants help, he won't change and you have to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to be in and how long you are going to give the relationship in terms of your boyfriend 'seeing the light' or you walking out. I'm sorry to be so rude.
Takotsubo said
Apr 20, 2018
Your story is mine exactly. Unfortunately I found al Anon too late and I had already arrived at the end of my ability to stay in the relationship despite loving him very much. He was a happy drunk for the first few years and I didnt even recognise it was a problem until he started to live with me and then it was too late to end it - I loved him so tried to support (control )it and eventually became just as obsessed with his drinking as he was. All day every day I worried and obsessed about it. Alcoholism is progressive - it doesnt get better if the alcoholic continues to drink - the lying gets worse, followed by remorse, guilt and then drinking more to deal with this and financial destruction is inevitable. I am a health care professional and see every day death caused by alcohol (slow and so horrible) so for me coming home every day to my partner drunk was just a slow way of watching him die without having any power or control to stop it. I couldn't live with that any longer. Look after yourself - ensure you have a future to look forward to. Use the steps and focus on you - not on him - he will make his choices for himself not for you - you need to do the same.
CarrieS said
Apr 20, 2018
So last night we sat down and discussed our future, or not. He says he needs to quit totally, says he feels better when he's not drinking, of course all the right stuff. I hope he really believes that but I am still cautious. We discussed what he planned to do when we go camping, out to dinner, travelling, etc. He is always worried about what people think of him and I want to know if he had thought about what he would tell people. I was wondering if he would own up to being an alcoholic or just say no thanks.
We woke up this morning and he went to a closed AA meeting where he talked about his hiding & lying and what it was doing to me mostly. They all gave him their phone numbers and asked him to return. That's where we are today and we'll see what tomorrow brings. Is it ok for me to encourage him to stay going to the meetings or ask him if he's going to a meeting that day? Not Telling him to go of course? I know he needs to do this on his own but I also want us to keep communicating openly and sharing with each other.
Lyne said
Apr 21, 2018
Hi Carrie-I can relate to your situation, lies, lies, lies, and being treated like i am crazy for not believing them! I came to alanon to fix my A and what I learned is that I needed to fix myself. Then I could make any important decisions I needed to. I've got several years in program now and it's one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Keep coming back. Help is available. I had to take the pressure off myself about what to do, until I calmed down and got stronger. You are not a spoiled brat! How can you have a mature loving relationship without trust????? Lyne
Hi I am new here. I hope someone can help me make some decisions about my relationship with my boyfriend of 9 years. We live together. He has a 13 daughter that I love. He's an functioning alcoholic in my opinion. First of all I want you to know he is a good man. He is very sensitive and caring and I know he loves me. He does not abuse me at all when he drinks, he gets happier. Here is the problem. When he drinks he gets stupid and lazy and make poor financial decisions. I am a highly functioning person so this makes me crazy to have to constantly ask him if he's taken care of his business such as paying bills.
So here's the next big problem. He knows I don't want him drinking hard liquor, so he hides it. Of course I know when he's had even a drink or two and when I ask him if he's been drinking he says no. I know his habits. I can find his hidden liquor bottles pretty quick and then confront him and of course he says its an old bottle. I must have STUPID written on my forehead.....
Now after so many fights, he promises me he will seek help and stop. So I give him another chance. And it happens all over again. Promise after promise. Lie after Lie!!! I cannot stand that he lies to me!!! I can't trust him. He makes excuses for his drinking; it was only 1 drink........ But he can't get it thru his scull that i can't take it that he lies to me instead of just coming clean and admitting it so we can deal with it together. He's attended 2 AA meetings and he thinks because he does not go on 4 day benders like the others that he does not have a problem. I am nearly there, kicking him out of the house, unfortunately with that beautiful daughter of his that I LOVE.
I told him that he has to want to change and save our family. I can't do it for him. I can't believe that when he knows he's so close to our relationship ending, he will still sneak drinks at the cost of splitting up our family. Why can't he get this through his head?!?!! He's a loving man, how do I end it when I do love him and his daughter? I plan to go to an Alanon meetings starting next week. There is only one day I can go due to my work schedule.
Carrie welcome to the family and I hope you come back often including locating where the face to face Al-Anon Family Groups are in your area and neighborhood. Trying to put up with this disease without the Experience Strength and Hope within our program will continue to assault your ability to function. He is not a functioning alcoholic...for me there is no such thing especially when I listen to a family member or friend or associate speak to the sickness it brings into their lives without knowing how to or having experience with others who have gone thru it ourselves.
This disease is a fatal, incurable disease if not arrested by total abstinence and it isn't only the alcoholic that experiences these consequences. Al-Anon and AA are in every location around the planet. The chemical is a mind and mood altering chemical and doesn't stop because people wish it would. I went to college to come to an understanding what I was going thru having been born and raise with it, became an alcoholic, married into it and more. The program taught me and continues to allow me to live sanely.
Please keep coming back because this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Thank you for your kind words and also some insight on this disease, Jerry. I will keep posting and learn more at the local Alanon meetings. I am very glad that you are successful with the program and can only pray that we get the same results some day, and before it is too late for us.
But, you can find peace and it is possible to find healing. but, that healing will be for YOU and you will find it even if he stops drinking or even if he continues to drink. Al Anon is about US not about them. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know how painful it is to have your spouse look you dead in the eyes and lie and you believe them because you love them and they seem so believable. Hugs and loving support to you!
My husband was very similar to what you are describing your boyfriend only my husband would get nasty and abusive.
Unfortunately I have learned that nothing we say or do or threat will get what we want. He either doesn''t want it or isn't capable of it because of his disease. Any form of help will only work if he really really wants to work on it himself. And even then I learned through experience, life is very difficult for him as in being sober and building a life without alcohol.
I started having 1-1 therapy sessions for myself and am learning to detach from his issues however difficult. I have to it for the girls.
I this that even if your relationship doesn't survive you can still have an amazing bond with his daughter. I presume she knows too. How does she feel about it? Does she talk about it? To be 13 is hard enough without having an alcoholic father.
I hope you find some local meetings, and give Al-Anon a try. Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!
my ABF is the same. He went to AA and convinced himself he wasn't that bad because he "only" drinks wine and beer - so he couldn't be an alcoholic. I have been through the lies and the hiding drinking and everything. So if I don't want him to lie to me, I don't ask. I know when he's been drinking, I don't need his confirmation and asking and getting a lie just makes me feel bad - doesn't impact on him so why would I go out of my way to make myself feel bad?. I have put into place my boundaries - I won't have alcohol in the house, so if he drinks, he has to do it elsewhere (and don't get me wrong, that is stressful as well).
My partner also drinks even though I have told him that our relationship is going to end as I can't deal with it anymore. We learn here that we can't change the other person. We can put forwards our position but if they don't want to change, they won't. My ABF took over a year to truely accept he is an alcoholic and I still wonder if he's still in denial on some of it and yet he's still drinking because there's a part of him that either doesn't want to change or is finding it too hard. I am detaching at the moment, taking time to organise things for when I ask him to move out (I don't have children, I do have a dog though and she takes a lot of care). He loves alcohol, his job is a trigger and me... I"m just the person who pays the bills. I'm sure he loves me but mostly I'm just a carer for when he's drunk (which is a role I refuse to take but he takes advantage of me paying bills and cleaning because I want a nice flat to live in).
Anyway, it's taken me a long time to come to a point where I deal with him calmly and where I can even think about kicking him out and finding a future beyond him. This program has helped and my family here are lifesavers. Keep coming back. The disease is bigger than you or me so all we can work on is ourselves.
Rachael
You are not alone on any level as previous posters have shared, it took me a long time to figure out that the A in my life was going to drink or not drink and nothing I did or didn't do mattered in regards to how powerless I am over alcoholism/addiction.
The standard phrase is .. the A is going to drink or not drink .. what am I going to do. I used to phrase that as a question .. now it's a statement.
Big hugs and keep coming back .. I'm really glad to hear you are going to reach out to a local Alanon meeting they are life savers.
S :)
I will still be going to the Al-anon meetings so I can sort out my thoughts and/or actions. Thank you all for listening and offering your experiences; you are awesome people.
Carrie don't be so hard on yourself ...this disease is cunning powerful and baffling lying is just one piece of evidence that it is in your and your husbands life. Lying is a manipulation often used to calm the victim down and deflect responsibility. Of course it does more and has many acts. My alcoholic/addict wife use to fill her empty perfume and cologne bottles (small as they were) with alcohol and load her purse up and then when we were out entertaining she would drink what was on the table and then also go to the potty to top herself off. Smarty pants almost killed herself.
Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Yeah, alcoholics drink, hide it, lie about it. That's what they do, its part of their disease. Us, we obsess about their drinking, obsess about catching them out. Its just a horrible mix of two people stuck in obsession blaming each other. Al Anon will help you get out of this cycle if thats what you want. It takes commitment and self searching but it gets you freedom. Good luck.
As an active alcoholic my husband was loving, a great father, did everything for me and the girls, helped around and wanted to be the ALPHA male but the disease takes hold and he became a horribly emotionally abusive husband at night. You are not a spoiled brat, you love him, you see a problem and you want him to get better. Unfortunately this is not a cold and the best thing you can do is bring your life back to you.
I am currently doing the 12 Steps on here and it's a huge help together with my therapy and this forum. Unless he wants help, he won't change and you have to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to be in and how long you are going to give the relationship in terms of your boyfriend 'seeing the light' or you walking out. I'm sorry to be so rude.
So last night we sat down and discussed our future, or not. He says he needs to quit totally, says he feels better when he's not drinking, of course all the right stuff. I hope he really believes that but I am still cautious. We discussed what he planned to do when we go camping, out to dinner, travelling, etc. He is always worried about what people think of him and I want to know if he had thought about what he would tell people. I was wondering if he would own up to being an alcoholic or just say no thanks.
We woke up this morning and he went to a closed AA meeting where he talked about his hiding & lying and what it was doing to me mostly. They all gave him their phone numbers and asked him to return. That's where we are today and we'll see what tomorrow brings. Is it ok for me to encourage him to stay going to the meetings or ask him if he's going to a meeting that day? Not Telling him to go of course? I know he needs to do this on his own but I also want us to keep communicating openly and sharing with each other.