Hello. New here. AH admitted of affair 2 days ago. Iāve been a wreck. Emotions all over the place. Have spoken on phone with Alanon went to meeting yesterday and am going next 2 days. Been trying to focus on myself but just a few days ago he was my focus too. 18 years ago I went to Al-Anon to learn how to deal with his drinking, I changed then he started AA. Weāve been through a lot over the years with a DUI and him going back to drinking but we recommitted and would start over and our marriage was stronger and good. A year ago he started living away from home during the week for work reasons. We discussed if it was wise because of the relationship strain but he found AA there and got another sponsor. I thought we were juggling it fine but now I know he was misleading me when I could sense some distance in him when he was home. Then I received a text message from him obviously meant for someone else. I checked my phone bill and there it was all the text messages back and forth for months.
Today Iām angry. Heās messing up our bank account, not interested in the family. Heās been coming home every weekend and play acting to keep things the same here but has someone there. Heās talking like he did when he was drinking, accusitory and mean, but he isnāt drinking. A dry drunk I guess. Everything seems like itās caved in. I guess she is the new bottle(?) and I just do not know how to deal with this pain.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 16, 2018
BIG hugs MM,
Affairs are hurtful on so many levels, if I could go back and tell myself knowing what I know now this would be about 7 years now .. I wish I had gotten to alanon sooner and gotten a sponsor immediately, .. I would given myself time to process the pain, hurt and betrayal .. when I found out about the other woman. There may have been more than one however really .. it didn't matter one was enough .. for me the deal breaker wasn't the drinking .. it was affairs. I called my XAH's affair/s the feel goods he wasn't getting at home .. let's face it .. when dealing with alcohol I was never going to be enough .. I have to remind myself I am not that powerful .. and no power on earth is. I was horribly miserable .. my complete focus was him and if alcohol and the feel goods were his obsession mine was him.
It is playing house with the other person .. I represented life, bills, problems, legal and otherwise .. unhappiness ... again, I was miserable as well .. I just didn't realize it at the time .. in some ways he was smarter than I was and he did me a huge favor.
Mine couldn't be alone .. and it took me a good 4 years before I was ready to THINK about dating and I have talked about it on the boards .. lol .. oh Lord things have changed and yet so stayed the same. During this time he remarried .. not to the other woman ironically .. she was also married and decided when he became available .. he was way more than she bargained for and she divorced her spouse, left him and here I left and moved out of state and apparently she lives about 45 min from me .. lol. I mention this because it's so tongue and cheek now .. the sardonic comedy that it is .. something I found out that I had the major misconception about was .. I really believed he just lied to me .. that was my twisted thinking and it was later that I realized the whoppers he told the other woman .. kind of helps to live in a small town .. he played her big time. She bought it .. she wasn't in it the way he was .. I call it bag and tag .. that need to move things so fast so there's no way out. During that time he was horrible to me, he became very aggressive in speech and action .. when it came to sex .. I might as well been a blow up doll there was zero emotion it came to a point where it was such a disconnected experience that the last time we were together I wanted to shower with bleach. I had my part .. whatever my part was .. that's mine .. this other stuff .. I lay at his feet and that's for him to deal with or not.
My discovery consisted of finding emails left open on the computer .. I didn't snoop .. it was presented and I took it as a sign that the God of my understanding realized I was ready for a change. I took that change. Some people can get past the betrayal .. I wasn't will to move past while he was still drinking. Our divorce are things that movies consist of I'm thinking of War of the Roses .. lol .. that's pretty much accurate, it was ugly and everyone paid a price for it.
I only encourage you to please be gentle with yourself and at the same time realize right now he's not thinking about you .. he's fully vested somewhere else .. looking back I wish I had done better for myself financially. So take breath .. take a moment .. and think about what is best for you. I believe that if people are meant to stay in your life they will be there .. and if they are not .. they will move out .. I do believe that is my higher power in action. You have a plan of what you want for you, end game it's ok to think about yourself.
PS - that anger .. do something constructive that doesn't consist of burning the house down .. again .. invest in you.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Apr 16, 2018
Welcome Mighty Moe glad that you have found alanon face to face meetings and are attending.meetings. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. You have received great suggestions from Serenity and I urge you to keep taking care of yourself and keep coming back here as well. There is hope .
Jerry F said
Apr 16, 2018
The infidelity in our marriage was kind of suspected because my wife and I were in an affair to start with and I had to learn how to acknowledge and accept that and then I had to learn to accept the STDs which found their way on to my body because of her continued infidelity and then I had to practice the courage to change the thing I could as suggested in the Serenity Prayer and step out of the alcoholic/addict insanity which I kept going with denial. In time the marriage was over before the drinking and using on her part stopped and then it did stop and I loved her as she did me and we had no justification to be married at all. It was a sham and farce to start with and recovery came to both of us. The insanity was so real and yet so changeable with the program and the ESH we shared in the rooms. Thank you God for holding the light before my feet and guiding me forward. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
mighty moe said
Apr 17, 2018
Thank you all for your sharing, support and encouragement. Youāve given me hope that Iāll be on the other side of this a better me. I feel more focused on that as my mind and emotions settle down. Looking forward to meetings today and tomorrow and exploring this website. So thankful for both.
Iamhere said
Apr 17, 2018
(((Mighty Moe))) - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and so glad that you shared. I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing and know that no words can take it away. I agree with all above - the disease is wickedly destructive and leaves devastation all around. I'm so glad to hear you've found and attended Al-Anon --- that can't fix your pain either but it sure can help you find support, fellowship, tools and a program to help you deal and heal in your way and in your time-frame.
Know that you aren't alone and there is nothing you did that caused this - the disease, the affair, anything. We are only responsible for ourselves and nothing we do can change another for the good or the bad.
Be gentle with you and know we're here as best we can be! Keep coming back...
Bo said
Apr 17, 2018
I don't have a lot of time, however, I wanted to at least share something while I was thinking about it.
I am going to take a different approach...and that is...as I've heard for many years in the rooms of alanon...pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional...
I know this to be true for me. It can be for anyone. When I found out my wife was cheating on me, after the initial day of shock, anger, confusion, etc. -- I went right to work -- on me! I didn't try and analyze, figure out, justify, rationalize, etc., anything. I did get stuck a bit, but my sponsor kept me focused on me, and on doing the work we were doing together -- acceptance, surrender, and letting go. Once I did that, I was viceral that this had nothing to do with me. This was not my fault. It didn't speak to anything about who I was, the type of person I was, or anything about me.
So, what does this mean? In my experience, there is supposed to be pain. But, I did two things -- first, I made sure the pain did not consume me and manifest into anger, hatred, or anything of the like. Second, I made sure that I embraced the pain -- embraced it in that I didn't fight it. It was supposed to be there. There was supposed to be pain. I surrendered to it. And I was able to let it go. Surrender, not in the dictionary/definition sense, but in the alanon, recovery, acceptance sense. I was able to use that pain, to help me get better.
You have already taken the first step -- meetings!!! Meeting makers make it. Try the 90 in 90. Find a sponsor, meet with him/her, talk to him/her, work with him/her, every day. When this happened, I spoke to my sponsor every single day, saw him at meetings 3 to 5 days a week (I was going every day). We did the readings together, he held me accountable, and gave me objectivity.
You have all the tools and resources in front of you...and you have your recovery...and your life in front of you. All the best and keep going back (to meetings).
a4l said
Apr 17, 2018
@ Jerry F: thanks for that share. It sounds like honesty in practice. The laying down of the emotional drama, seeing reality and letting go. Original poster, it is not at all easy. The emotional aspects of dishonesty are difficult to process. i've found alcoholics-wet/dry--to be some of the most difficult and insanity inducing persons to resolve things with. Justifications that make sense to a madman, arguments that deflect from truth, defenses that blame everybody else and explanations that change to suit the justifications rather than acknowledging truth. It is a mad mad merry go round that can take one down. Meetings, literature, and self care are so important. Take care, be gentle with you.
mighty moe said
Apr 18, 2018
Wow perfect posts for me to read tonight. Thank you so much. This morning I felt so good. It feels good to be taking care of myself after attending 2 good meeting,
reading, talking to members. Even bought myself a bouquet of daisies. By tonight, pulling into meeting parking lot, I just felt anger and resentment and powerless over what my life is and the future. This new dimension of another person is really difficult. The alcohol Iām familiar with alright, but this is another level. The advice of feeling the pain I will embrace. Iāll accept the pain for what it is. Iāll keep my imagination in check, keep focusing on myself.
Aline said
Apr 19, 2018
Hey, MM, its good to hear you are feeling better :)
Iamhere said
Apr 19, 2018
MM - glad to hear you're getting to meetings and feeling a bit more empowered to practice self-care. I really held tight to, "Feelings are real and we need to go through them, feel them, embrace them - but they are not facts." Be gentle with you and keep doing what you're doing - it looks good on you! Love that you bought daisies - yay!!!
Affairs are hurtful on so many levels, if I could go back and tell myself knowing what I know now this would be about 7 years now .. I wish I had gotten to alanon sooner and gotten a sponsor immediately, .. I would given myself time to process the pain, hurt and betrayal .. when I found out about the other woman. There may have been more than one however really .. it didn't matter one was enough .. for me the deal breaker wasn't the drinking .. it was affairs. I called my XAH's affair/s the feel goods he wasn't getting at home .. let's face it .. when dealing with alcohol I was never going to be enough .. I have to remind myself I am not that powerful .. and no power on earth is. I was horribly miserable .. my complete focus was him and if alcohol and the feel goods were his obsession mine was him.
It is playing house with the other person .. I represented life, bills, problems, legal and otherwise .. unhappiness ... again, I was miserable as well .. I just didn't realize it at the time .. in some ways he was smarter than I was and he did me a huge favor.
Mine couldn't be alone .. and it took me a good 4 years before I was ready to THINK about dating and I have talked about it on the boards .. lol .. oh Lord things have changed and yet so stayed the same. During this time he remarried .. not to the other woman ironically .. she was also married and decided when he became available .. he was way more than she bargained for and she divorced her spouse, left him and here I left and moved out of state and apparently she lives about 45 min from me .. lol. I mention this because it's so tongue and cheek now .. the sardonic comedy that it is .. something I found out that I had the major misconception about was .. I really believed he just lied to me .. that was my twisted thinking and it was later that I realized the whoppers he told the other woman .. kind of helps to live in a small town .. he played her big time. She bought it .. she wasn't in it the way he was .. I call it bag and tag .. that need to move things so fast so there's no way out. During that time he was horrible to me, he became very aggressive in speech and action .. when it came to sex .. I might as well been a blow up doll there was zero emotion it came to a point where it was such a disconnected experience that the last time we were together I wanted to shower with bleach. I had my part .. whatever my part was .. that's mine .. this other stuff .. I lay at his feet and that's for him to deal with or not.
My discovery consisted of finding emails left open on the computer .. I didn't snoop .. it was presented and I took it as a sign that the God of my understanding realized I was ready for a change. I took that change. Some people can get past the betrayal .. I wasn't will to move past while he was still drinking. Our divorce are things that movies consist of I'm thinking of War of the Roses .. lol .. that's pretty much accurate, it was ugly and everyone paid a price for it.
I only encourage you to please be gentle with yourself and at the same time realize right now he's not thinking about you .. he's fully vested somewhere else .. looking back I wish I had done better for myself financially. So take breath .. take a moment .. and think about what is best for you. I believe that if people are meant to stay in your life they will be there .. and if they are not .. they will move out .. I do believe that is my higher power in action. You have a plan of what you want for you, end game it's ok to think about yourself.
PS - that anger .. do something constructive that doesn't consist of burning the house down .. again .. invest in you.
Hugs S :)
Welcome Mighty Moe glad that you have found alanon face to face meetings and are attending.meetings. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. You have received great suggestions from Serenity and I urge you to keep taking care of yourself and keep coming back here as well. There is hope .
The infidelity in our marriage was kind of suspected because my wife and I were in an affair to start with and I had to learn how to acknowledge and accept that and then I had to learn to accept the STDs which found their way on to my body because of her continued infidelity and then I had to practice the courage to change the thing I could as suggested in the Serenity Prayer and step out of the alcoholic/addict insanity which I kept going with denial. In time the marriage was over before the drinking and using on her part stopped and then it did stop and I loved her as she did me and we had no justification to be married at all. It was a sham and farce to start with and recovery came to both of us. The insanity was so real and yet so changeable with the program and the ESH we shared in the rooms. Thank you God for holding the light before my feet and guiding me forward. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Know that you aren't alone and there is nothing you did that caused this - the disease, the affair, anything. We are only responsible for ourselves and nothing we do can change another for the good or the bad.
Be gentle with you and know we're here as best we can be! Keep coming back...
I am going to take a different approach...and that is...as I've heard for many years in the rooms of alanon...pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional...
I know this to be true for me. It can be for anyone. When I found out my wife was cheating on me, after the initial day of shock, anger, confusion, etc. -- I went right to work -- on me! I didn't try and analyze, figure out, justify, rationalize, etc., anything. I did get stuck a bit, but my sponsor kept me focused on me, and on doing the work we were doing together -- acceptance, surrender, and letting go. Once I did that, I was viceral that this had nothing to do with me. This was not my fault. It didn't speak to anything about who I was, the type of person I was, or anything about me.
So, what does this mean? In my experience, there is supposed to be pain. But, I did two things -- first, I made sure the pain did not consume me and manifest into anger, hatred, or anything of the like. Second, I made sure that I embraced the pain -- embraced it in that I didn't fight it. It was supposed to be there. There was supposed to be pain. I surrendered to it. And I was able to let it go. Surrender, not in the dictionary/definition sense, but in the alanon, recovery, acceptance sense. I was able to use that pain, to help me get better.
You have already taken the first step -- meetings!!! Meeting makers make it. Try the 90 in 90. Find a sponsor, meet with him/her, talk to him/her, work with him/her, every day. When this happened, I spoke to my sponsor every single day, saw him at meetings 3 to 5 days a week (I was going every day). We did the readings together, he held me accountable, and gave me objectivity.
You have all the tools and resources in front of you...and you have your recovery...and your life in front of you. All the best and keep going back (to meetings).
@ Jerry F: thanks for that share. It sounds like honesty in practice. The laying down of the emotional drama, seeing reality and letting go. Original poster, it is not at all easy. The emotional aspects of dishonesty are difficult to process. i've found alcoholics-wet/dry--to be some of the most difficult and insanity inducing persons to resolve things with. Justifications that make sense to a madman, arguments that deflect from truth, defenses that blame everybody else and explanations that change to suit the justifications rather than acknowledging truth. It is a mad mad merry go round that can take one down. Meetings, literature, and self care are so important. Take care, be gentle with you.