Hi there. I am new to this, but not new to the heartache that alcoholism causes.
Firstly, I am a recovering alcoholic. I havent drank in just under 2 years.
My common law spouse is an alcoholi...a very active drinker. He did not quit during my road to recover. In fact he drank to the point that he has been hospitalized 3 times in the last two years with pancreatiti, the last being just last week. He has lost 5 jobs in the past year.
He lies to me about big things nd small...but mostly about drinking and money. Im not sure who he is kidding because I was in his shoes once. For 3 years I was a mess. I know all the ins and outs of the disease.
My sobriety is of the utmost importance to me. I have 3 fantastic Kids who are over the moon with my recovery and I am excited and hopeful about the future.
But that future requires no alcohol in our home. My spouse promises over and over but hides and lies and keeps money from us. He is currently working in another town where he was able to get a job and he is still drinking. And I really dont want him to come home.
My issues are that he drinks and drives, exposing me to alcohol and exposes my children to the same which is unacceptable.
I dont believe him and I just dont trust him any longer.
I am seeking advice on how to get him to move out (I am a recognized tenant but not on the actual lease) This is my Kids home and close to their school and we really cant afford to move anywhere. Any input?
i also need advice on how to actually tell him its over. I began telling him during his last bender 2 weeks ago that landed him in the hospital and he lost it. Talked about me being his only reason to go on...mentioned suicide. I am worried that my breaking it off (it is definitely over) will push him into a very dangerous place.
could really use some input...I dont want to hurt him...but my kids and my future have to take priority over him.
Thank you for listening :)
Dutchy said
Apr 16, 2018
I tried to make my now recovering alcoholic husband leave all the time. He refused every time. Maybe because he was drunk and wanted to hurt me I don't. We both owned the house we kived in at the time, we were both on the deed so I could only make him leave by alerting Social Services and they would remove him. I never did that but I feel it'll be difficult to make him leave in the state that he is in.
My husband drunk himself frontal lobe brain damage and will suffer seizure his whole life. I've spent many a time in hospital after he had a grand mal seizure (he's not an epileptic, it's pure alcohol related)
Choose yourself, live your own life and out your children first (we have 3 small girls together, I know the importance as our eldest is now in therapy because of it and she is only 5). I feel it is important for them to see that we are strong, have a plan and will keep them safe.
It's such a difficult situation but he won't do anything he doesn't want to do. Whether that is leaving the house, stopping drinking or seeing sense.
Carson09 said
Apr 16, 2018
Thanks for the reply Dutchy!
Its crazy that they cant see that leaving is better for the kids than having the kids move. I dont want to uproot the them. Im going to ask him to leave. I would like to tell him he cant come home until hes gone to get help. And change the locks. My only concern is that its his name on the lease. I am likely considered an equal tenant as I have been the one to deal with the landlord and we are common law spouses. The contents of the home are all mine and he couldnt afford the place on his own. I just really dont want him coming back. I dont believe he will ever change. We have all been so happy for the last 5 months while he hasnt been here drinking. Hes never gone longer than a week without alcohol.
I just feel so guilty kicking him out when I know he has no hopeful outlook. How do you get over that guilt??
Iamhere said
Apr 16, 2018
Welcome to MIP Carson - glad you found us and glad you shared. Congrats. on your own sobriety - good for you and keep doing you - One Day at a Time! As far as dealing with an A, you've been affected again/more and might want to consider Al-Anon meetings. I don't know if you attend AA or not, Al-Anon is very similar - one hour, anonymous, 12 steps, etc. but it's also different as it's for friends and family that have been affected by drinking in another person.
I am a double-winner and there are others here too. The disease is cunning, powerful, progressive and wide-spread. As far as the residence, splitting, etc. we really don't give advice so I have no input. I would suggest seeking free legal aid to understand your rights as it might change up what you are considering.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Jerry F said
Apr 16, 2018
Aloha Carson and welcome to the board and MIP family. My female spouse was an alcoholic addict also so you know the insanity of alcoholism as I do. We have a 3Cs mantra that when I memorized it helped me to understand my part in the relationship with her. I didn't Cause her disease, could not Control it and would never ever be able to Cure it. That is powerful in rational thinking and so I had to make changes also knowing that I would need help from many others to make those changes. The Serenity Prayer tells me I need the Courage to Change so I sucked it up and learned how to reach out and ask. I asked my sponsorship in both Al-Anon, AA, Counseling, Legal help and every other one related to my needs. My Al-Anon Sponsor told me I had to move myself away from all thing alcohol and the courage to change helped me get it done. It did not happen over night and I didn't like all I chose to do because life got soooo different and then different was what I needed. In my case of separation I went out and got my own apartment and to keep the separation wide I got away from all co-joined things we did that could and would keep me in the loop. Again that was very difficult because I "loved" her...lol a fatal sort of love or enamor. As I got with myself I devoted my time to getting sane and sober. I am also a double and have been in the program since 1979.
No we do not give advise else we might offer leadership that will make things worse for others. We do pass on our ESH...Experience, Strength and Hope. We tell what it was like then, what happened and what it is like now...those in need get to take what they like and leave the rest for later or not at all. My alcoholic addict and I were very sick and I got better faster because I got to work in recovery sooner and followed the suggestions as daily as I could.
Keep coming back...this works when you work it. ((((Hugs))))
Mattie said
Apr 16, 2018
Congratulations on your sobriety and I'm glad you have found us. My experience is that in a situation like this, the alcoholic will hang on to the situation as it is for dear life. After all, there's nothing in it for him if he moves out - he loses his place to live and all the advantages of his family, and may have to face that it is his addiction that has done this, and that is something he will resist facing. So my guess is that if he won't leave cooperatively, you will have a quite a battle on your hands. I think consulting a lawyer or legal aid may be the way to go. However, I suspect that if it's his name on the lease, you may not have any recourse. And if you insist that staying in your current place is what you want to do, that keeps you entangled in the relationship and the struggle. Sometimes we get a bit addicted to the struggle (turmoil is very distracting) and to the idea of winning. I know I thought, "Why should I have to have disadvantages when his drinking is not my fault?" But the key is that our own behavior is the only behavior we have control over.
If your landlord sold your place, you might have to move, or if the landlord decided his sister needed to live in your place, or any number of other scenarios. So this might be one of those scenarios where, just as in the others, it wasn't the number one choice, but moving was just in the cards. I'm sure if the landlord sold your place or whatever, you'd eventually find a place to move and land on your feet. It sure is extra hassle and expense and it's infuriating. Those are invariably true when we're separating ourselves from the chaos of an alcoholic. Take good care of yourself.
Hi there. I am new to this, but not new to the heartache that alcoholism causes.
Firstly, I am a recovering alcoholic. I havent drank in just under 2 years.
My common law spouse is an alcoholi...a very active drinker. He did not quit during my road to recover. In fact he drank to the point that he has been hospitalized 3 times in the last two years with pancreatiti, the last being just last week. He has lost 5 jobs in the past year.
He lies to me about big things nd small...but mostly about drinking and money. Im not sure who he is kidding because I was in his shoes once. For 3 years I was a mess. I know all the ins and outs of the disease.
My sobriety is of the utmost importance to me. I have 3 fantastic Kids who are over the moon with my recovery and I am excited and hopeful about the future.
But that future requires no alcohol in our home. My spouse promises over and over but hides and lies and keeps money from us. He is currently working in another town where he was able to get a job and he is still drinking. And I really dont want him to come home.
My issues are that he drinks and drives, exposing me to alcohol and exposes my children to the same which is unacceptable.
I dont believe him and I just dont trust him any longer.
I am seeking advice on how to get him to move out (I am a recognized tenant but not on the actual lease) This is my Kids home and close to their school and we really cant afford to move anywhere. Any input?
i also need advice on how to actually tell him its over. I began telling him during his last bender 2 weeks ago that landed him in the hospital and he lost it. Talked about me being his only reason to go on...mentioned suicide. I am worried that my breaking it off (it is definitely over) will push him into a very dangerous place.
could really use some input...I dont want to hurt him...but my kids and my future have to take priority over him.
Thank you for listening :)
Thanks for the reply Dutchy!
Its crazy that they cant see that leaving is better for the kids than having the kids move. I dont want to uproot the them. Im going to ask him to leave. I would like to tell him he cant come home until hes gone to get help. And change the locks. My only concern is that its his name on the lease. I am likely considered an equal tenant as I have been the one to deal with the landlord and we are common law spouses. The contents of the home are all mine and he couldnt afford the place on his own. I just really dont want him coming back. I dont believe he will ever change. We have all been so happy for the last 5 months while he hasnt been here drinking. Hes never gone longer than a week without alcohol.
I just feel so guilty kicking him out when I know he has no hopeful outlook. How do you get over that guilt??
I am a double-winner and there are others here too. The disease is cunning, powerful, progressive and wide-spread. As far as the residence, splitting, etc. we really don't give advice so I have no input. I would suggest seeking free legal aid to understand your rights as it might change up what you are considering.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
Aloha Carson and welcome to the board and MIP family. My female spouse was an alcoholic addict also so you know the insanity of alcoholism as I do. We have a 3Cs mantra that when I memorized it helped me to understand my part in the relationship with her. I didn't Cause her disease, could not Control it and would never ever be able to Cure it. That is powerful in rational thinking and so I had to make changes also knowing that I would need help from many others to make those changes. The Serenity Prayer tells me I need the Courage to Change so I sucked it up and learned how to reach out and ask. I asked my sponsorship in both Al-Anon, AA, Counseling, Legal help and every other one related to my needs. My Al-Anon Sponsor told me I had to move myself away from all thing alcohol and the courage to change helped me get it done. It did not happen over night and I didn't like all I chose to do because life got soooo different and then different was what I needed. In my case of separation I went out and got my own apartment and to keep the separation wide I got away from all co-joined things we did that could and would keep me in the loop. Again that was very difficult because I "loved" her...lol a fatal sort of love or enamor. As I got with myself I devoted my time to getting sane and sober. I am also a double and have been in the program since 1979.
No we do not give advise else we might offer leadership that will make things worse for others. We do pass on our ESH...Experience, Strength and Hope. We tell what it was like then, what happened and what it is like now...those in need get to take what they like and leave the rest for later or not at all. My alcoholic addict and I were very sick and I got better faster because I got to work in recovery sooner and followed the suggestions as daily as I could.
Keep coming back...this works when you work it. ((((Hugs))))
Congratulations on your sobriety and I'm glad you have found us. My experience is that in a situation like this, the alcoholic will hang on to the situation as it is for dear life. After all, there's nothing in it for him if he moves out - he loses his place to live and all the advantages of his family, and may have to face that it is his addiction that has done this, and that is something he will resist facing. So my guess is that if he won't leave cooperatively, you will have a quite a battle on your hands. I think consulting a lawyer or legal aid may be the way to go. However, I suspect that if it's his name on the lease, you may not have any recourse. And if you insist that staying in your current place is what you want to do, that keeps you entangled in the relationship and the struggle. Sometimes we get a bit addicted to the struggle (turmoil is very distracting) and to the idea of winning. I know I thought, "Why should I have to have disadvantages when his drinking is not my fault?" But the key is that our own behavior is the only behavior we have control over.
If your landlord sold your place, you might have to move, or if the landlord decided his sister needed to live in your place, or any number of other scenarios. So this might be one of those scenarios where, just as in the others, it wasn't the number one choice, but moving was just in the cards. I'm sure if the landlord sold your place or whatever, you'd eventually find a place to move and land on your feet. It sure is extra hassle and expense and it's infuriating. Those are invariably true when we're separating ourselves from the chaos of an alcoholic. Take good care of yourself.