I hate it so much. I want it out my life. I want peace from the ugliness of alcoholism. I'm so worried about my son's drinking. Its getting worse. He can be and is verbally abusive to his gf. He's angry when sober and takes it out on her and her daughter. On the other side of that it's clear to see he loves them both but the denial is so thick in both of them. I can't stand it and then to top it off my awareness and step 4 work is revealing my part in this. Have I enabled this relationship to continue to avoid my biggest fear? That he is homeless and wants to live with me and I have to turn him away. Has this fear meant I've been actively trying to support their relationship for my own gain? It's highly likely. Have I used alanon to justify my behaviour? I see them often and keep in touch. I try smooth things over with them and between them at times. I take the wee girl for sleepovers regularly. I phone up to check all is well. I keep in touch with his gf to check she's ok. What I don't do is face the fact he is abusive and can be violent and has been to me in the past. I haven't told her this. I haven't confronted either of them or told them what I think or feel which is that she is enabling him by buying him drink every day and she is neglecting her responsibilities to her daughter by leaving her with a drunk. I havent told him that i think he should leave this family as he is in no condition to do any good despite his good intentions and in fact is a potential danger to them. That's what I really think. I also want to threaten them with social services and have the courage to do that. What stops me? Is it the right thing to do? Is alanon telling me to mind my own business and keep the connection to be of a support to the family? Is this enabling them to both think everything's really ok? Am I a coward and should be forthright with all this and let the consequences begin? What if they stop me seeing them and then I don't know what's going on? God help me and them.
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 14th of April 2018 05:03:54 AM
Stan1 said
Apr 14, 2018
(((el-cee))) I so can relate to your feeling helpless. I too am watching the effects of alcoholism in my family . When I start trying to blame the program reminds me of the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Much as I do not care for the behavior of my adult son and his wife; they are adults and I want to stay out of their relationship. Keeping my own life in the center lane is a full time job. Certainly being of service and taking your grandaughter for sleepovers is a pleasure for both you and her. We do not give advice unless there is abuse then it is safety first.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 14th of April 2018 06:35:11 AM
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 14th of April 2018 06:37:22 AM
hotrod said
Apr 14, 2018
((LC))) I can so identify and appreciate your honesty in examining the motives behind your actions. Please remember that we are human and imperfect beings. Be gentle with yourself and pray for guidance.
Remember we do not give advise in alanon because we trust that HP is available to each and that by listening inwardly we will find the answer for our life.
Sending positive thoughts your way. You are not alone
Iamhere said
Apr 14, 2018
(((ElCee))) - I'm also sending you tons of positive thoughts and some prayers. I too can so identify with all that you feel, wonder, share...as well as my absolute frustration with this disease. I also believe there are days where staying in my own lane is a full-time job with overtime. There are just no easy answers, and I have to remember and at times be reminded that living One Day at a Time is all we truly have. I have to really lean into my faith that HP is directing the show and work with my sponsor to see what's actionable and what's not.
Sending you tons of love and light...you are not alone and we're here however we can be.
Dutchy said
Apr 14, 2018
(((hugs)))) My motives were to keep my family togrther no matter what. So I stayed and tried to work through it because he loves his daughters and wants to be the best dad ever but is emotionally abusive towards me. I started soending nights at friends as I could so see it was affecting my girls but still the feeling of wanting to keep my family together was bigger and he always told me I wouldn't make it on my own, that I keeded his money to survive (such a low blow) in the end it took a threat from our GP to involve Social Services, because they were concerned about the girls in their current domestic situation. I had a asked for a private referral for my eldest daughter as she started displaying worrying behaviour. He says I threw him out but when I spike with his mum she sugfested she'd phone him and suggest to him that he would stay with her for a bit. I then contscted our health insurance and got the ball rolling for rehab which he has done now. Now he hasn't a clue who he is or who I am and has a lot of big gaos in his memory. He distanced homself a lot after 3 weeks of rehab and relapsed after 67 days sober and is now starting over. I just put a boundary down with him and he refuses to answer my calls since then. That is his to work through, think about, discuss with his sponsor (I hope he is sensible rather than alcoholic)
It's out of my hands now but I think esoecially in the best interest of the small girl that you talk to his girlfriend. She might feel scared of coming to you or scared in general. Just my thoughts.
serenity47 said
Apr 14, 2018
My AD was living in a situation similar to what you described except no children involved thank god. I struggled hugely as I was very very fearful that she would be harmed. His own mother expressed the same thing to my AD to no avail. For the sake of my own mental health, I had to get out of the way and once again accept my powerlessness over people , places or things. I did establish a boundary for myself that I do not want to be around this person any longer. I am not willing to invest time and energy into anyone that is not healthy for me to be around. I will contact the authorities if I become aware of an acute situation just as I would if it was a neighbour. My AD has recently somewhat ended the relationship although its not over yet though they are no longer living together to my knowledge. I am comfortable knowing that I have done everything humanly possible as a mother to support and guide my daughter and pray daily for her to find peace and happiness in her life.
Aline said
Apr 14, 2018
Hugs, ((((el-cee)))).
Jerry F said
Apr 14, 2018
(((((el-cee))))) "Trust God...clean house...help others". This is the summation of the twelve steps I was given when first arriving to the program. This was instruction to me a male member of the program who use to watch the female seem to have so much more trouble than I. I found out as a male that the center of my problems was my egotistical mind while the center of the female member was their hearts...their emotions. It was much more easy to separate my feelings from the disease than my thinking and this was how I also came to see the disease as a twisted fatal sickness.
I needed to back off completely and instead trust God completely even though I had no real clue about a God, who it was, what it did and how to work with it and so I just dropped the fight and watched from the sidelines how the fellowship did and what was happening for me and the alcoholic/addict seemingly by accident. I followed my sponsors suggestions regarding, listening, learning and practicing and more often than not I was nicely rewarded as was she. Things I used to struggle with came out in much better ways often better than I could have expected while turning it over and trusting without expectation.
The active alcoholic/addict in my life today is my eldest son who relapsed and destroyed completely his family, marriage, work and more...exactly as it had happened in my own pre-recovery situation. I use to just talk with him about his situation just as it was "situational" and followed the suggestions of the program constantly turning it over to my HP and completely letting go. I knew the program worked this way so I did it the program way as suggested. Two weeks ago he came over to a family lunch and I had to chuckle to myself and my HP as my son showed up as a "new man" in manner and dress on the outside and I hugged him and just affirmed that he looked better than he had the time before and then let it go keeping an open mind. Now I keep getting news from other areas of the family about how he and his wife are doing. Guess what? they are doing just as I heard the elders teach...they are "together", The original plan; theirs, God's and family and working at mending the cracks and resuming the plan.
My wife and I had no expectations other than the one that when you work it...it works...just as she and I do it.
Our disease looses it power when we follow the suggestions, steps and traditions. I won't do anything else. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
el-cee said
Apr 15, 2018
Thank you so much. Each reply has been so helpful. I got lost in my own head yesterday and went to a meeting and I'm sure I heard exactly what I needed to there as well as here. Thanks again x
Iamhere said
Apr 15, 2018
Continued positive thoughts and prayers from my world to yours. (((Hugs))) too sweetie....so glad you found and attended a meeting!
I hate it so much. I want it out my life. I want peace from the ugliness of alcoholism. I'm so worried about my son's drinking. Its getting worse. He can be and is verbally abusive to his gf. He's angry when sober and takes it out on her and her daughter. On the other side of that it's clear to see he loves them both but the denial is so thick in both of them. I can't stand it and then to top it off my awareness and step 4 work is revealing my part in this. Have I enabled this relationship to continue to avoid my biggest fear? That he is homeless and wants to live with me and I have to turn him away. Has this fear meant I've been actively trying to support their relationship for my own gain? It's highly likely. Have I used alanon to justify my behaviour? I see them often and keep in touch. I try smooth things over with them and between them at times. I take the wee girl for sleepovers regularly. I phone up to check all is well. I keep in touch with his gf to check she's ok. What I don't do is face the fact he is abusive and can be violent and has been to me in the past. I haven't told her this. I haven't confronted either of them or told them what I think or feel which is that she is enabling him by buying him drink every day and she is neglecting her responsibilities to her daughter by leaving her with a drunk. I havent told him that i think he should leave this family as he is in no condition to do any good despite his good intentions and in fact is a potential danger to them. That's what I really think. I also want to threaten them with social services and have the courage to do that. What stops me? Is it the right thing to do? Is alanon telling me to mind my own business and keep the connection to be of a support to the family? Is this enabling them to both think everything's really ok? Am I a coward and should be forthright with all this and let the consequences begin? What if they stop me seeing them and then I don't know what's going on? God help me and them.
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 14th of April 2018 05:03:54 AM
(((el-cee))) I so can relate to your feeling helpless. I too am watching the effects of alcoholism in my family . When I start trying to blame the program reminds me of the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Much as I do not care for the behavior of my adult son and his wife; they are adults and I want to stay out of their relationship. Keeping my own life in the center lane is a full time job. Certainly being of service and taking your grandaughter for sleepovers is a pleasure for both you and her. We do not give advice unless there is abuse then it is safety first.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 14th of April 2018 06:35:11 AM
-- Edited by Stan1 on Saturday 14th of April 2018 06:37:22 AM
Remember we do not give advise in alanon because we trust that HP is available to each and that by listening inwardly we will find the answer for our life.
Sending positive thoughts your way. You are not alone
Sending you tons of love and light...you are not alone and we're here however we can be.
(((((el-cee))))) "Trust God...clean house...help others". This is the summation of the twelve steps I was given when first arriving to the program. This was instruction to me a male member of the program who use to watch the female seem to have so much more trouble than I. I found out as a male that the center of my problems was my egotistical mind while the center of the female member was their hearts...their emotions. It was much more easy to separate my feelings from the disease than my thinking and this was how I also came to see the disease as a twisted fatal sickness.
I needed to back off completely and instead trust God completely even though I had no real clue about a God, who it was, what it did and how to work with it and so I just dropped the fight and watched from the sidelines how the fellowship did and what was happening for me and the alcoholic/addict seemingly by accident. I followed my sponsors suggestions regarding, listening, learning and practicing and more often than not I was nicely rewarded as was she. Things I used to struggle with came out in much better ways often better than I could have expected while turning it over and trusting without expectation.
The active alcoholic/addict in my life today is my eldest son who relapsed and destroyed completely his family, marriage, work and more...exactly as it had happened in my own pre-recovery situation. I use to just talk with him about his situation just as it was "situational" and followed the suggestions of the program constantly turning it over to my HP and completely letting go. I knew the program worked this way so I did it the program way as suggested. Two weeks ago he came over to a family lunch and I had to chuckle to myself and my HP as my son showed up as a "new man" in manner and dress on the outside and I hugged him and just affirmed that he looked better than he had the time before and then let it go keeping an open mind. Now I keep getting news from other areas of the family about how he and his wife are doing. Guess what? they are doing just as I heard the elders teach...they are "together", The original plan; theirs, God's and family and working at mending the cracks and resuming the plan.
My wife and I had no expectations other than the one that when you work it...it works...just as she and I do it.
Our disease looses it power when we follow the suggestions, steps and traditions. I won't do anything else. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))