I felt like I was making some good progress with the programme. Things were starting to feel much better than they have for a long time.
But this last couple of weeks I've been feeling more low. ABF is back up to his old tricks again. I'm tired out and not handling it well. A friend is visiting tomorrow who has the perfect life that I wanted. I feel upset and embarrassed as I know she'll ask about my life and I won't know what to say. Awkward.
I thought I was doing better in getting off the roller coaster for a while, but maybe not.
How do you deal with relapses?
MizzB said
Apr 12, 2018
Hello Lil, I know the difficulty of facing people with the "perfect life". I am bad for self isolating myself from these people - but some of it isn't isolating. I have come off facebook to avoid seeing people's "perfect lives". But how perfect are their lives really? I know that my friend (just announced she's pregnant while I can't get an evening sober at the minute, let alone think about the romance) doesn't have the perfect life. I know that she and her BF have had their problems and I imagine they still do. People are very good at presenting perfection while hiding the struggles and difficulties they have. OUr pain seems bigger and more immediate because it is ours - to them, their struggles are more immediate and bigger and very real. My abf is not so much in a relapse, as just hasn't stopped drinking and that comes with it's difficulties. I lean on my friends who know my situation and who I know have their own problems and aren't afraid to tell me that they have these struggles. THeirs might not be an ABF but knowing they are also having problems helps me to feel a kinship. I am also good at deflecting conversation. I tell them explicitly that things aren't good but that I don't want to talk about it because I want totalk about me and not dwell on him. I spent too much time and attention on him that when I'm with friends I don't want to use that time to talk about him.
I also come on here a lot to chat as it helps. I also am working on believing in my HP. THat I am where I am meant to be. I know that it is hard to rely on that at times, and hard to believe it, but keeping working it and using the support around me helps. I know from my own post that there will be some excellent comments from others about not comparing our reality to what we believe to be the reality of others. I also know how hard things can be when tired. Take time to yourself. ABF will do what he will do. You can't change it and worrying doesn't make any difference. SO use your time with your friend to be you, get some respite.
I hope it goes ok :0) We're here for you.
Rachael
serenity47 said
Apr 12, 2018
Depending on the friendship/relationship etc dictates what I do or do not say to another person. I always try to check my motives with what I share outside of my 12 step groups. In my experience sharing with someone who has not experienced addiction has led me to feel frustrated with unhelpful/unsolicited advice. With those friends I simply try to just enjoy my time with them and if pressed, I remain purposefully vague and state oh she's living her life or shes growing and learning as we all are. You are not obligated to share anything you don't feel comfortable sharing. I do know however that no one has the perfect life and when I start comparing my life to others then I am off my path. Sometimes I simply need a break from all things addiction related and it has been good for me to go out with someone and just enjoy the day. . Friends respect your decision to not talk about it. I struggled a long while with trying to be perfect. It didn't work out so well for me. I am learning day by day to have compassion for not only the addicts in my life but for myself. Progress not perfection.
Iamhere said
Apr 12, 2018
I am very much like Serenity above - discussing 'life with addiction' to normal folks doesn't ever go well.....they don't understand no matter how much I want them to do so.
I am sorry you are feeling down - for me, it took time in recovery to realize much of this kind of thinking and projecting was in my head. Nobody has a perfect life and anytime I compare what I am feeling to what others show me, it just doesn't go well. Be gentle with you. You deserve to have a good visit and you deserve to set a boundary on what you're able/willing to discuss and not.
Be you, do you and take your HP with you. No matter what your A does, it's not your fault, your responsibility or a reflection on you. (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Apr 12, 2018
Hugs,
I find that within my program especially in the beginning I would take one step forward and two backwards it was frustrating .. after a while things started to fall into place.
Comparing someone else's outsides to mine only creates bigger anxiety than it's worth .. you know no one knows what goes on behind closed doors .. maybe it is perfect however my experience has been if I went with 4 different people and put my issues and their issues up on the table I would rather have mine .. because those are what I have experience with and there might be something really going on I really don't want to deal with. One phrase I enjoy is 1st world problems .. by no means is alcoholism a 1st worth problem that's an overall problem .. there are things I think about now that I thought were the end of the world and I see now with a different perspective .. it was my attitude about them.
In terms of discussion .. you are not under a contractual obligation to word vomit what is going on .. it's not to say be dishonest ... you know your friend best and if it's a subject you can discuss or want to discuss. I encourage you to focus on the gratitude of where you are at currently and it sounds like a great topic to discuss with your sponsor as well.
I had a somber thing come to light in regards to an ex coworker getting arrested this past week and it's very serious alcohol related .. it could go from aggravated assault to manslaughter should the other person not pull through .. it's kind of scary for all involved to say the least. It actually made me grateful my XAH is married and doing a solid at the moment .. hopefully it will last. I thought about that could have been him going down the road he was headed and thankfully it wasn't. It made me think about my XMIL who was obsessed with what other people thought about her and how she would go on about my kids and if my XAH killed someone or whatever .. and don't get me wrong it would have been devastating I can't and don't want to imagine what could have happened .. however that being said .. that is not about myself or the kids .. that would be ALL on him just like the other situation is on my X-coworker. It's not a reflection of us as a family. I love the saying what other people think of me is none of my business .. it's very freeing . it's been a very bittersweet lesson to come to terms with at the moment for other reasons.
I encourage you to thy own self be true .. you do you and allow your sig other to do him .. you don't owe anyone an explanation for anything even why you stay .. that is not their business and if they want to judge speculate or whatever .. that says more about them than it ever will about you. I second enjoy your visit and be true to yourself .. I hope you have a sponsor or have a meeting tomorrow .. it helps to get the feed back and realize you aren't alone and it will be ok.
Hugs S :)
Donehurting said
Apr 12, 2018
relapses? I hate 'em. I kick her a** when she slips and relapses. I know I'm not "supposed" to... but what the heck? I try to make her life as miserable as possible. If it doesn't affect her choice to drink, at least I feel better knowing I'm not standing for that crap.
Sorry, not very Al-Anon of me but it's how I cope.
-- Edited by Donehurting on Thursday 12th of April 2018 09:38:15 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 12th of April 2018 11:01:21 PM
AnnieFenk321 said
Apr 13, 2018
I just wanted to share this funny story, there was someone I knew through Facebook who seemed to have the perfect life. I always felt sad and jealous every time I saw their posts. I even unfollowed them at one point because it was hurting me so much. Later, I came across this person in a recovery context!
I was floored. My âperfectâ friend was working hard in their own recovery. We were way more similar than we I had allowed by putting them on this pedestal.
What things seem like is rarely how they really are. I have found most people are dealing with some things that are hard for them. Sometimes my life seems more chaotic due to the effects of the disease, but there are other kinds of suffering and I believe that part of my procsss of growing up is realising that pain is part of the human condition and we live life on lifeâs terms, not those we set.
Lil99 said
Apr 13, 2018
Thank you everyone for your helpful thoughts. These are really appreciated. This is exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.
Today I will go and enjoy myself with my friend
Progress not perfection!
Lil xx
Iamhere said
Apr 13, 2018
Enjoy, enjoy and enjoy more Lil.....just for today, enjoy all that you can. I have to admit that I am sitting here giggling - that phrase word vomit makes me laugh every time! Thanks Serenity - that's such a great description for how I used to 'socialize' before recovery!!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 13, 2018
LOL .. good on you Lil :)
IAM .. yes .. word vomit .. I still do it .. however it's more about getting from point A to point B out of my head and on to paper. I find it interesting because it's an apt term in regards to over explaining why I feel the way I do .. LOL .. like "no" is a complete sentence before recovery to say "no" I needed to literally speak at least 50 words before rationalizing and justifying why I was saying "no". At least now I notice when people are dozing off .. LOL .. so I am more able to wrap up faster .. progress not perfection. :)
Have a great weekend all :)
SerenityRUS said
Apr 13, 2018
Donehurting wrote:
relapses? I hate 'em. I kick her a** when she slips and relapses. I know I'm not "supposed" to... but what the heck? I try to make her life as miserable as possible. If it doesn't affect her choice to drink, at least I feel better knowing I'm not standing for that crap.
Sorry, not very Al-Anon of me but it's how I cope.
-- Edited by Donehurting on Thursday 12th of April 2018 09:38:15 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 12th of April 2018 11:01:21 PM
Donehurting,
I can so relate to what you stated here and before alanon this is where I lived .. and I was miserable cow (my description of me, myself and I) .. lol .. boy do I mean that figuratively .. I still can beat my XAH with the accountability button. Slowly I am letting that go for two reasons .. first off .. I really am a better person than that (total work in progress), .. second .. a complete waste of energy. I will never "make" my X see the pain he's caused for the kids and I .. I qualify it as financial terrorism and honestly that's what it is. My XAH is who he is and yes there are things he does that are completely inappropriate and just straight up vindictive .. he's so dang lucky I have a great guy who reminds me of who I am today by just being him.
I really hope you are attending meetings, find a sponsor and let go of some of the anger you have going on because like I said .. I totally get it .. been there done that and I had to make the decision I wanted to get healthy mentally and emotionally I am currently working on some other things I have been avoiding. Alanon is about me not about the A .. and my XAH is going to send support, drink or whatever .. it becomes what am I going to do. I no longer want to feel shame or justify my behavior .. again my XAH is an ass and sometimes you remove the alcohol and that's what is left .. however .. I can stay out of that hula hoop for my own sanity.
Justifiable resentments are the hardest resentments for me to deal with, hardest to let go of and forgive, .. that's not condoning the behavior on any level .. it's freeing my energy to do more productive things. It took a LONG time to get there and I'm still working on it at my own pace.
When I REALLY took a good look at my XAH and I have years away from him .. he was not my qualifier .. I really can see clearly not to justify his behavior as I have stated before .. however to say he did not participate in the demise of our relationship alone. I was straight up hateful towards him and in a real grown up world I was not going to sustain interpersonal relationships by being hateful.
I really question and more curious about human behavior .. what is your end goal to this, .. is it for your sig other to stop drinking .. which is not what alanon is .. what is it? Because beating your sig other for relapses is a power thing at least it was for me .. it was sending a message of I'm better than you and that was completely arrogant and sick thinking on my part. It was unhealthy and it did more damage to my relationship than the drinking did because it damaged me directly.
When my XAH drinks he hates himself .. it is a self loathing behavior .. anything I say on top of that I had to really step back and say to myself is this the kind of person the God of my understanding wants me to be .. even if I wasn't faith based .. is this who I want to show the world I want to be.
I really hope that you find a way your way to meetings you deserve to have happiness in your life regardless if your A is drinking or not.
Big hugs, I hope you will keep coming back .. because you are worth it.
S :)
Dutchy said
Apr 14, 2018
Nobody's life is perfect. A lot of my friends have always known what was going on with my husband. I never made a secret out of it but the more I voiced my worries aboyt my marriage and kife, the more they voiced theirs and we found a better friendship and helo each other out. With kids, life, everything. I am glad I never kept my alcoholic husband a secret. I wouldn't know what I would've done without my friends supprlort, laughter and cries.
LinSC said
Apr 14, 2018
If she is really your "friend" she will be there for you. Don't be embarrassed be real.
I felt like I was making some good progress with the programme. Things were starting to feel much better than they have for a long time.
But this last couple of weeks I've been feeling more low. ABF is back up to his old tricks again. I'm tired out and not handling it well. A friend is visiting tomorrow who has the perfect life that I wanted. I feel upset and embarrassed as I know she'll ask about my life and I won't know what to say. Awkward.
I thought I was doing better in getting off the roller coaster for a while, but maybe not.
How do you deal with relapses?
I also come on here a lot to chat as it helps. I also am working on believing in my HP. THat I am where I am meant to be. I know that it is hard to rely on that at times, and hard to believe it, but keeping working it and using the support around me helps. I know from my own post that there will be some excellent comments from others about not comparing our reality to what we believe to be the reality of others. I also know how hard things can be when tired. Take time to yourself. ABF will do what he will do. You can't change it and worrying doesn't make any difference. SO use your time with your friend to be you, get some respite.
I hope it goes ok :0) We're here for you.
Rachael
I am sorry you are feeling down - for me, it took time in recovery to realize much of this kind of thinking and projecting was in my head. Nobody has a perfect life and anytime I compare what I am feeling to what others show me, it just doesn't go well. Be gentle with you. You deserve to have a good visit and you deserve to set a boundary on what you're able/willing to discuss and not.
Be you, do you and take your HP with you. No matter what your A does, it's not your fault, your responsibility or a reflection on you. (((Hugs)))
I find that within my program especially in the beginning I would take one step forward and two backwards it was frustrating .. after a while things started to fall into place.
Comparing someone else's outsides to mine only creates bigger anxiety than it's worth .. you know no one knows what goes on behind closed doors .. maybe it is perfect however my experience has been if I went with 4 different people and put my issues and their issues up on the table I would rather have mine .. because those are what I have experience with and there might be something really going on I really don't want to deal with. One phrase I enjoy is 1st world problems .. by no means is alcoholism a 1st worth problem that's an overall problem .. there are things I think about now that I thought were the end of the world and I see now with a different perspective .. it was my attitude about them.
In terms of discussion .. you are not under a contractual obligation to word vomit what is going on .. it's not to say be dishonest ... you know your friend best and if it's a subject you can discuss or want to discuss. I encourage you to focus on the gratitude of where you are at currently and it sounds like a great topic to discuss with your sponsor as well.
I had a somber thing come to light in regards to an ex coworker getting arrested this past week and it's very serious alcohol related .. it could go from aggravated assault to manslaughter should the other person not pull through .. it's kind of scary for all involved to say the least. It actually made me grateful my XAH is married and doing a solid at the moment .. hopefully it will last. I thought about that could have been him going down the road he was headed and thankfully it wasn't. It made me think about my XMIL who was obsessed with what other people thought about her and how she would go on about my kids and if my XAH killed someone or whatever .. and don't get me wrong it would have been devastating I can't and don't want to imagine what could have happened .. however that being said .. that is not about myself or the kids .. that would be ALL on him just like the other situation is on my X-coworker. It's not a reflection of us as a family. I love the saying what other people think of me is none of my business .. it's very freeing . it's been a very bittersweet lesson to come to terms with at the moment for other reasons.
I encourage you to thy own self be true .. you do you and allow your sig other to do him .. you don't owe anyone an explanation for anything even why you stay .. that is not their business and if they want to judge speculate or whatever .. that says more about them than it ever will about you. I second enjoy your visit and be true to yourself .. I hope you have a sponsor or have a meeting tomorrow .. it helps to get the feed back and realize you aren't alone and it will be ok.
Hugs S :)
relapses? I hate 'em. I kick her a** when she slips and relapses. I know I'm not "supposed" to... but what the heck?
I try to make her life as miserable as possible. If it doesn't affect her choice to drink, at least I feel better knowing I'm not standing for that crap.
Sorry, not very Al-Anon of me but it's how I cope.
-- Edited by Donehurting on Thursday 12th of April 2018 09:38:15 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 12th of April 2018 11:01:21 PM
Thank you everyone for your helpful thoughts. These are really appreciated. This is exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.
Today I will go and enjoy myself with my friend
Progress not perfection!
Lil xx
IAM .. yes .. word vomit .. I still do it .. however it's more about getting from point A to point B out of my head and on to paper. I find it interesting because it's an apt term in regards to over explaining why I feel the way I do .. LOL .. like "no" is a complete sentence before recovery to say "no" I needed to literally speak at least 50 words before rationalizing and justifying why I was saying "no". At least now I notice when people are dozing off .. LOL .. so I am more able to wrap up faster .. progress not perfection. :)
Have a great weekend all :)
Donehurting,
I can so relate to what you stated here and before alanon this is where I lived .. and I was miserable cow (my description of me, myself and I) .. lol .. boy do I mean that figuratively .. I still can beat my XAH with the accountability button. Slowly I am letting that go for two reasons .. first off .. I really am a better person than that (total work in progress), .. second .. a complete waste of energy. I will never "make" my X see the pain he's caused for the kids and I .. I qualify it as financial terrorism and honestly that's what it is. My XAH is who he is and yes there are things he does that are completely inappropriate and just straight up vindictive .. he's so dang lucky I have a great guy who reminds me of who I am today by just being him.
I really hope you are attending meetings, find a sponsor and let go of some of the anger you have going on because like I said .. I totally get it .. been there done that and I had to make the decision I wanted to get healthy mentally and emotionally I am currently working on some other things I have been avoiding. Alanon is about me not about the A .. and my XAH is going to send support, drink or whatever .. it becomes what am I going to do. I no longer want to feel shame or justify my behavior .. again my XAH is an ass and sometimes you remove the alcohol and that's what is left .. however .. I can stay out of that hula hoop for my own sanity.
Justifiable resentments are the hardest resentments for me to deal with, hardest to let go of and forgive, .. that's not condoning the behavior on any level .. it's freeing my energy to do more productive things. It took a LONG time to get there and I'm still working on it at my own pace.
When I REALLY took a good look at my XAH and I have years away from him .. he was not my qualifier .. I really can see clearly not to justify his behavior as I have stated before .. however to say he did not participate in the demise of our relationship alone. I was straight up hateful towards him and in a real grown up world I was not going to sustain interpersonal relationships by being hateful.
I really question and more curious about human behavior .. what is your end goal to this, .. is it for your sig other to stop drinking .. which is not what alanon is .. what is it? Because beating your sig other for relapses is a power thing at least it was for me .. it was sending a message of I'm better than you and that was completely arrogant and sick thinking on my part. It was unhealthy and it did more damage to my relationship than the drinking did because it damaged me directly.
When my XAH drinks he hates himself .. it is a self loathing behavior .. anything I say on top of that I had to really step back and say to myself is this the kind of person the God of my understanding wants me to be .. even if I wasn't faith based .. is this who I want to show the world I want to be.
I really hope that you find a way your way to meetings you deserve to have happiness in your life regardless if your A is drinking or not.
Big hugs, I hope you will keep coming back .. because you are worth it.
S :)
If she is really your "friend" she will be there for you. Don't be embarrassed be real.
linsc