I am at home, alone, again, as the ABF is again AWOL, hasn't been off the alcohol for more than a couple of days for 9 weeks. I've come a long way in how I react to his drinking. I now won't message him to ask where he is. I don't get mad when he comes in.
I'm so jealous of people who have normal things happen in their life. I'm so jealous I can't even bring myself to tell her congratulations. She can have a child, I can't even have a weekend away.
On the plus side, this might be the crisis I need to move my life on. I need to get to the meetings. Talk to people. Feel the feelings.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 11, 2018
Big hugs MB,
You know I find "normal" to not only be overrated however just a setting on a washing machine .. it's relative.
It helps not to compare others outsides to mine.
I had to laugh I was reading some past (FB) posts about some of the shenanigans I have gotten into over the past couple of years .. and none of it was normal .. it was fun, frustrating with a little of WTH just happened. As an example last night my kids and I were together for dinner, OMGOSH they drive me nuts at times. It was a late birthday get together because my oldest had not gotten cards and a gift from me shipping was messed up.
Anyway, my youngest was in the car with me, I'm on the freeway and I hiccupped and it hurt .. so I made a gasping sound and grabbed my chest .. you know probably not the right move to make and I wasn't trying to be funny. It just worked out that way. LOL .. pretty typical .. you know if you stumble make it part of the dance. Of course he was not happy with me because he thought I was having a heart attack, it honestly wasn't to be mean or on purpose and all I was trying to do was take a breath and not hurt after that hiccup. The little sucker got me back by yelling as I go through an intersection that there was a cop I better be driving the right speed .. I was however the initial shock of where is s/he and am I doing something wrong went through me .. I looked at him and told him he's lucky it's not legal to eat your young. I'm telling you this is my life on a daily basis .. it's a comedy of errors for lack of a better term.
I have those moments of when am I done as a parent .. my oldest has put me through the paces the last 2 years since we moved and it's not been easy .. I look at a very good friend at work and her oldest is living her dream and all I can think is WTH did I do wrong? Honesty .. I didn't do "wrong" my life lessons are different .. and who's to say what life holds for my oldest. It can be difficult to look at other parents and say .. how come they are done with one and the others are moving along in the "right" direction. Then I remember .. my kids .. are right where they are suppose to be .. regardless of how hard I roll my eyes .. and talk daily to the God of my understanding as to what is the damn lesson and can we please move forward already .. lol?
That's a "normal" post as I read through it .. for those things to happen in my life .. I had to get a life regardless of what the XAH is or is not doing.
Now I don't know how to verbalize that into program talk ... this .. this is just my experience and examples of a day in the life. Trust me ... more than one day of asking or goggling if it's legal to eat my young and coming back with 10 reasons as to why it's not a good idea.
Hugs .. I hope you are able to get to your meeting and get outside of your head .. and find the miracle is that is life and is you .. it's to easy to get stuck in the woe is me mode.
S :)
MizzB said
Apr 11, 2018
Thanks Serenity. Youre reply was just want I needed. I came here to try to get out of the"woe is me" mindset. I've wanted a child for years but my choices haven't led me down that path and now I"m past the age where it would be easy, and probably past the age where it will happen. My choices have been to travel - I've seen the world. Met amazing people. I've had some lovely dogs who warm my heart. And when I"m rational I can see the good things about the path I"ve taken. And all the things thatI wouldn't have experienced if I'd had children. But when another friend announced a "normal" event when I am once again alone as a result of this disease. I have a visceral reaction and then self isolate. So coming here is a step forwards, helping me to stop the self isolation. Talking about it is also a new step for me.
I need to meditation on "I"m where I was meant to be". I have never been like everyone else, and so I shouldn't expect my path to be the same as other people's.
When I am truly honest, the pain and uncertainty of the alcoholic is probably what has kept this relationship going so long. Drama has been part of my life for a long time and while I don't make drama myself, I certainly choose others who will keep it in my life. If I really wanted a normal path, I would have made different decisions.
I'm going to go and think on things for a while now.
Aline said
Apr 11, 2018
Hugs, (((MizzB))). You are feeling what you are feeling, and recognizing what you are feeling, that in itself is great and important. I still learn to feel what I feel and think what I think without judging myself, and I'm really bad at this, but getting better. I've started meditating a bit and this helps me a lot to be more present and less stressed and negative. I also congratulate you on reaching out and saying (writing) it like it is. I want to censor myself (even to myself!) all the time, so just saying or writing what it is that I think and feel at the moment is very hard for me at this point. I find it much, much easier to say or write how I felt or what I thought yesterday or an hour before.
I'm sorry for your pain, but maybe, as you write, this is some lesson to be learned... I've heard/read others share that new awareness, some change is often preceded by pain, this is also what I've experienced a couple of times. The upside of all this is - while prior to being in the program pain for me was just pain and I didn't, couldn't or wouldn't learn anything from it for years. Now I learn something, not always, but a lot more often.
Keep coming back, I'm glad you are here... :)
MizzB said
Apr 11, 2018
Thank you Aline, I'm glad you are here too. I'm glad for all my friends and family here who make me feel less alone and who make me realise that healing is important. I think something important I've really learned here is that I can get rid of the alcoholic, but that won't make everything better as I have been damaged and I need to be kind to myself and allow myself time to heal and invest in myself to heal. I have also started to meditate. It's too early to see a difference yet plus I have to go back to work next week and I'm already stressing about that. I know we work one day at a time but I need to have a plan so that this time next year I've handed in my notice on this job and started on the path to something new. Nothing changes unless I change it. Time to think deeply about what I truly want and planning for that. "this too shall pass".
Stan1 said
Apr 11, 2018
Thank you for sharing (((MizzB))) and to those who gave ESH before me. Growing up in a home where it was expected that one would "keep a stiff upper lip" made it difficult for me to learn that expressing sad feelings were not any different than expressing happy feelings. I would hold negative feelings inside until they festered and made me ill. Through alanon meetings and literature I have learned that feelings are just feelings and I can own them, feel them, and express them. When I am not taking care of myself physically or participating in activities that I enjoy I now realize I need to work on something I have stuffed. Through program and literature and help from my sponsor I can identify and feel the pain instead of eating it and having it infect and hurt me.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Wednesday 11th of April 2018 03:10:22 PM
MizzB said
Apr 11, 2018
Stan, that is exactly what I do. I've suffered depression in the past and my dad in particular is so anti medication he tells me to avoid it. he has also suffered depression but has never admitted it - same with my brother and sister but it's not talked about. Luckily I'm strong enough to admit my weaknesses on occasion and tell him that I'll use medication if I need it - but I am also anti-meds so sometimes I have to deal with the pain but I am reasonably insightful and can work out when I need help from outside of my pain. Here is a place i can talk about some of my pain. Thank you for listening.
Bo said
Apr 11, 2018
MizzB wrote:
My friend just announced she's pregnant.
I am at home, alone, again, as the ABF is again AWOL, hasn't been off the alcohol for more than a couple of days for 9 weeks. I've come a long way in how I react to his drinking. I now won't message him to ask where he is. I don't get mad when he comes in.
I'm so jealous of people who have normal things happen in their life. I'm so jealous I can't even bring myself to tell her congratulations. She can have a child, I can't even have a weekend away.
On the plus side, this might be the crisis I need to move my life on. I need to get to the meetings. Talk to people. Feel the feelings.
MizzB -- I hear you, loud and clear. Been there done that, had a cup of coffee, got a t-shirt, and came home. LOL. So, I was exactly where you are, and I was feeling what you are feeling. My wife and I had planned to start a family, and for several years, we went back and forth, timing, discussion, concerns, etc. -- ALL -- because of her drinking. I was not going to start a family with an active alcoholic. I envisioned being a single parent, either as a result of divorce or her death.
Set aside starting a family...all I wanted was something normal!!! That's it. A normal evening. A normal overnight. A normal meal!!! The collateral and direct damage of my wife's drinking took away all of the normal.
It kept happening, not every day, but day after another day, after another day, once on a weekend, on a night where I really needed and wanted to talk to her, on a night where I wanted to celebrate a big deal, or cry a bit over a lost one, or just have a normal dinner -- pizza and a movie -- or just sit there and hold hands. Where was my normal?
After my recovery, I learned that the journey was not just about me getting better, and getting healthy...it was so that I could arrive at a point where I could ask myself...IS THIS THE WAY I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE...IS THIS THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE.
I wish you all the best for the normal you want and so deserve.
MizzB said
Apr 11, 2018
Bo, thank you. It's good to hear from others who have had normal life disrupted. Everything you ahve stated is exactly how I feel. I don't get support when I'm stressed, I just get more stress added. I don't get to plan more than a day in advance (I've wasted so many tickets I've bought because i've bought two and then gone on my own - where I could have found a friend if I'd had advanced notice).
I always made a conscious decision that I don't want to parent alone - I don't even want to look after my dog on my own! And I don't want a child with an active alcoholic either. So I have made decisions back before I met the ABF that stopped my own normal. It's hard to face in my own head that decisions I've made have stopped me from having what I want but I have to take responsibility for those choices and accept the consequences of them. I talked about this a little in therapy a while back and realised I was holding on to a lot of stuff with my ex husband that I didn't realise. I can't change the past. I can't make normal instantly happen. But I can take small steps to getting my life back and then I can heal from having not having children and the family that I thought would inevitably happen. I hope that I reach a place too when I am strong enough to make the change because i already know that this is not how I want to live my life. If I don't have children then I want to get back out skiing, and going to book club and all the things I can't do at the moment because I can't rely on the ABF to be there with the dog. I want MY life back. And I will get there through this program. I believe that my HP will get me there.
Iamhere said
Apr 12, 2018
Hey MizzB - I am sorry that you are in pain - I too have BTDT. It's so not a 'good' or 'fun' place to be. I do practice recovery as best I can, and love to use the serenity prayer to set myself free. It truly and simply helps me to remember that I am powerless over all other people, places and things yet have complete choice over who I am, who I am with and who I want to be...
Jerry hear often suggests that we consider the outcome we want, and then align our actions accordingly. I know my words are not as 'heavenly' as his but this always helps me un-stick my brain when it's focusing on what is NOT happening as planned vs. what is glorious and worthy of gratitude.
For me, anytime I compare my insides to other's outsides, I am leaning towards negative thinking, self-pity and an emotional relapse. I also have learned in my lifetime that the only thing constant in life is change. I also do not believe I can define normal for self or others, and assuming I know what that is or looks like is my ego creeping back in. My days go much better when I make a plan that keeps me spiritual, and then leave all outcomes to my HP.
Another great tool for me when I struggle to shake these thoughts is the Just for Today bookmark. It's just so simple or so profound - it helps me center and focus on this day only as that's really all we have. I'm sending you tons of (((hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts. Know that you're not alone in your pain or in your recovery!!
Bo said
Apr 12, 2018
MizzB, you are very welcome. Just to clarify -- I didn't have a normal life disrupted. I had an amazing life crushed! We had the perfect life. Life was nothing less than wonderful. And then it happened. I couldn't do anything the same as before. Nothing. I didn't have a partner, best friend or wife any longer. That person was impacted by alcoholism. Even if it only impacted me one night a week, or one social function a month, or one night out with our friends a month -- that was unacceptable to me. Many may say I am "wrong" and should have been more patient, understanding, lenient, etc. And that is their opinion, and if they were in my situation, they certainly have the right to make their own decision -- and then -- they could be more patient, understanding, lenient, etc.
I didn't feel it was fair to bring a child into the home, home-life, environment in which I was living with my wife. Sure, I could have been a single parent. I absolutely could take off plenty of time and raise a child. I could do that easily. I did it, with a step-child. I own my own time and can take off as much as I want. As it stands, I work about 40 weeks a year. But I didn't want to co-parent with her -- whether together, separated, divorced, whatever. And, if she died, then I'd be a single parent, which I chose not to do anyway. I simply chose my boundary -- and that was -- to not start a family with an alcoholic who was not in recovery, living a life of recovery, etc.
So, for me, it's not that the decisions I've made have stopped me from having what I want -- they have actually gotten me what I need and want, which I didn't know before; peace, happiness, serenity, passion, compassion, love, giving back, calm, and normal. I think in time -- and time takes time -- you will find the same thing. You have good program under you. Life is there...for living. Yes, I agree, taking small steps -- in getting one's life back, in finding happiness, peace, love, normal, all of that and more -- and miracles do happen.
You will do it -- make change -- when you are ready. If you know this is not how you want to live your life, you have your acceptance and awareness...and next will come the action, making change...when you are ready.
MizzB, the mountains are there for you to ski on. The books are all there at the book club waiting for you to come and read them. Go explore options for the dog. Get a dog sitter for the book club. Find someone who can care for the dog for the day and go skiing. You can do it. You deserve it. I wish you nothing but the best in life, health and happiness...now go get it!!!
My friend just announced she's pregnant.
I am at home, alone, again, as the ABF is again AWOL, hasn't been off the alcohol for more than a couple of days for 9 weeks. I've come a long way in how I react to his drinking. I now won't message him to ask where he is. I don't get mad when he comes in.
I'm so jealous of people who have normal things happen in their life. I'm so jealous I can't even bring myself to tell her congratulations. She can have a child, I can't even have a weekend away.
On the plus side, this might be the crisis I need to move my life on. I need to get to the meetings. Talk to people. Feel the feelings.
You know I find "normal" to not only be overrated however just a setting on a washing machine .. it's relative.
It helps not to compare others outsides to mine.
I had to laugh I was reading some past (FB) posts about some of the shenanigans I have gotten into over the past couple of years .. and none of it was normal .. it was fun, frustrating with a little of WTH just happened. As an example last night my kids and I were together for dinner, OMGOSH they drive me nuts at times. It was a late birthday get together because my oldest had not gotten cards and a gift from me shipping was messed up.
Anyway, my youngest was in the car with me, I'm on the freeway and I hiccupped and it hurt .. so I made a gasping sound and grabbed my chest .. you know probably not the right move to make and I wasn't trying to be funny. It just worked out that way. LOL .. pretty typical .. you know if you stumble make it part of the dance. Of course he was not happy with me because he thought I was having a heart attack, it honestly wasn't to be mean or on purpose and all I was trying to do was take a breath and not hurt after that hiccup. The little sucker got me back by yelling as I go through an intersection that there was a cop I better be driving the right speed .. I was however the initial shock of where is s/he and am I doing something wrong went through me .. I looked at him and told him he's lucky it's not legal to eat your young. I'm telling you this is my life on a daily basis .. it's a comedy of errors for lack of a better term.
I have those moments of when am I done as a parent .. my oldest has put me through the paces the last 2 years since we moved and it's not been easy .. I look at a very good friend at work and her oldest is living her dream and all I can think is WTH did I do wrong? Honesty .. I didn't do "wrong" my life lessons are different .. and who's to say what life holds for my oldest. It can be difficult to look at other parents and say .. how come they are done with one and the others are moving along in the "right" direction. Then I remember .. my kids .. are right where they are suppose to be .. regardless of how hard I roll my eyes .. and talk daily to the God of my understanding as to what is the damn lesson and can we please move forward already .. lol?
That's a "normal" post as I read through it .. for those things to happen in my life .. I had to get a life regardless of what the XAH is or is not doing.
Now I don't know how to verbalize that into program talk ... this .. this is just my experience and examples of a day in the life. Trust me ... more than one day of asking or goggling if it's legal to eat my young and coming back with 10 reasons as to why it's not a good idea.
Hugs .. I hope you are able to get to your meeting and get outside of your head .. and find the miracle is that is life and is you .. it's to easy to get stuck in the woe is me mode.
S :)
I need to meditation on "I"m where I was meant to be". I have never been like everyone else, and so I shouldn't expect my path to be the same as other people's.
When I am truly honest, the pain and uncertainty of the alcoholic is probably what has kept this relationship going so long. Drama has been part of my life for a long time and while I don't make drama myself, I certainly choose others who will keep it in my life. If I really wanted a normal path, I would have made different decisions.
I'm going to go and think on things for a while now.
I'm sorry for your pain, but maybe, as you write, this is some lesson to be learned... I've heard/read others share that new awareness, some change is often preceded by pain, this is also what I've experienced a couple of times. The upside of all this is - while prior to being in the program pain for me was just pain and I didn't, couldn't or wouldn't learn anything from it for years. Now I learn something, not always, but a lot more often.
Keep coming back, I'm glad you are here... :)
Thank you for sharing (((MizzB))) and to those who gave ESH before me. Growing up in a home where it was expected that one would "keep a stiff upper lip" made it difficult for me to learn that expressing sad feelings were not any different than expressing happy feelings. I would hold negative feelings inside until they festered and made me ill. Through alanon meetings and literature I have learned that feelings are just feelings and I can own them, feel them, and express them. When I am not taking care of myself physically or participating in activities that I enjoy I now realize I need to work on something I have stuffed. Through program and literature and help from my sponsor I can identify and feel the pain instead of eating it and having it infect and hurt me.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Wednesday 11th of April 2018 03:10:22 PM
MizzB -- I hear you, loud and clear. Been there done that, had a cup of coffee, got a t-shirt, and came home. LOL. So, I was exactly where you are, and I was feeling what you are feeling. My wife and I had planned to start a family, and for several years, we went back and forth, timing, discussion, concerns, etc. -- ALL -- because of her drinking. I was not going to start a family with an active alcoholic. I envisioned being a single parent, either as a result of divorce or her death.
Set aside starting a family...all I wanted was something normal!!! That's it. A normal evening. A normal overnight. A normal meal!!! The collateral and direct damage of my wife's drinking took away all of the normal.
It kept happening, not every day, but day after another day, after another day, once on a weekend, on a night where I really needed and wanted to talk to her, on a night where I wanted to celebrate a big deal, or cry a bit over a lost one, or just have a normal dinner -- pizza and a movie -- or just sit there and hold hands. Where was my normal?
After my recovery, I learned that the journey was not just about me getting better, and getting healthy...it was so that I could arrive at a point where I could ask myself...IS THIS THE WAY I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE...IS THIS THE LIFE I WANT TO LIVE.
I wish you all the best for the normal you want and so deserve.
I always made a conscious decision that I don't want to parent alone - I don't even want to look after my dog on my own! And I don't want a child with an active alcoholic either. So I have made decisions back before I met the ABF that stopped my own normal. It's hard to face in my own head that decisions I've made have stopped me from having what I want but I have to take responsibility for those choices and accept the consequences of them. I talked about this a little in therapy a while back and realised I was holding on to a lot of stuff with my ex husband that I didn't realise. I can't change the past. I can't make normal instantly happen. But I can take small steps to getting my life back and then I can heal from having not having children and the family that I thought would inevitably happen. I hope that I reach a place too when I am strong enough to make the change because i already know that this is not how I want to live my life. If I don't have children then I want to get back out skiing, and going to book club and all the things I can't do at the moment because I can't rely on the ABF to be there with the dog. I want MY life back. And I will get there through this program. I believe that my HP will get me there.
Jerry hear often suggests that we consider the outcome we want, and then align our actions accordingly. I know my words are not as 'heavenly' as his but this always helps me un-stick my brain when it's focusing on what is NOT happening as planned vs. what is glorious and worthy of gratitude.
For me, anytime I compare my insides to other's outsides, I am leaning towards negative thinking, self-pity and an emotional relapse. I also have learned in my lifetime that the only thing constant in life is change. I also do not believe I can define normal for self or others, and assuming I know what that is or looks like is my ego creeping back in. My days go much better when I make a plan that keeps me spiritual, and then leave all outcomes to my HP.
Another great tool for me when I struggle to shake these thoughts is the Just for Today bookmark. It's just so simple or so profound - it helps me center and focus on this day only as that's really all we have. I'm sending you tons of (((hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts. Know that you're not alone in your pain or in your recovery!!
I didn't feel it was fair to bring a child into the home, home-life, environment in which I was living with my wife. Sure, I could have been a single parent. I absolutely could take off plenty of time and raise a child. I could do that easily. I did it, with a step-child. I own my own time and can take off as much as I want. As it stands, I work about 40 weeks a year. But I didn't want to co-parent with her -- whether together, separated, divorced, whatever. And, if she died, then I'd be a single parent, which I chose not to do anyway. I simply chose my boundary -- and that was -- to not start a family with an alcoholic who was not in recovery, living a life of recovery, etc.
So, for me, it's not that the decisions I've made have stopped me from having what I want -- they have actually gotten me what I need and want, which I didn't know before; peace, happiness, serenity, passion, compassion, love, giving back, calm, and normal. I think in time -- and time takes time -- you will find the same thing. You have good program under you. Life is there...for living. Yes, I agree, taking small steps -- in getting one's life back, in finding happiness, peace, love, normal, all of that and more -- and miracles do happen.
You will do it -- make change -- when you are ready. If you know this is not how you want to live your life, you have your acceptance and awareness...and next will come the action, making change...when you are ready.
MizzB, the mountains are there for you to ski on. The books are all there at the book club waiting for you to come and read them. Go explore options for the dog. Get a dog sitter for the book club. Find someone who can care for the dog for the day and go skiing. You can do it. You deserve it. I wish you nothing but the best in life, health and happiness...now go get it!!!