My 18yr old son is an addict. He got clean for 8 months and a month ago relapsed. I attended my fist meeting last week and will be going back. I just feel like everything i do is wrong. I have not allowed him to stay at my house while he is using. So hard to do, but im at a loss. I saw him today and he does not even look like my child. I told him i loved him and he knew how to reach me when he was ready. Am i on the right track?
hotrod said
Apr 10, 2018
((Bamgirl)) glad that you have alanon face to face meetings and have attended. Alcholism is chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. Please try to pick up alanon literature at the meetings, as the literature really helped me to keep showing up and using the tools such as the slogans and the steps .It does sound as if you do understand the principle of detachment and are working it well,
Please keep coming back-- there is hope
serenity47 said
Apr 10, 2018
((Hugs)) I understand. I had to learn to release my AD with love. It is a process and I am working on it one day at a time. Nothing changes if nothing changes and everything that I tried to do to control the disease in my daughter never worked. As I focus on my own recovery, I am better able to make good decisions for myself. My life had revolved around the addict in it until I was sicker then she was really. With the help and support of the 12 step programs, I am slowly claiming my life back. I still slip and try to wrestle control back, give advice, snoop, even when knowing makes it worse for me. Those are the symptoms of my illness, total preoccupation with another's life. I had a very misguided sense of responsibility for my grown child. Meetings, steps, reading the literature, praying to my hp has all been helpful to me. You are not alone, there is hope.
Iamhere said
Apr 10, 2018
(((Bamagrl))) - I too send warm welcomes to you....I also understand. I can also relate to questioning if what I am doing is 'right' or not and the reality is - not always sure, but using Al-Anon recovery to determine the facts, relying on a higher power before responding and focusing on the here an d now has really helped me settle into a more sane way of living.
I will say that leaning into what was suggested - meetings, literature, sponsor, steps, etc. - all helped me find some level of comfort and peace. It is really, really hard to let go of a child, yet I had to learn the hard way that when I provide a soft landing, I postpone their consequences and potentially delay their desire for help.
Please keep coming back here - you are among others who understand and there is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
wp said
Apr 10, 2018
Welcome to miracles in progress :) It sounds to me like everything you are doing is right because you already know how to be honest And loving with your son. Going to alanon can be a great gift for you and for those you meet as well. Consider attending our online meetings as well if you like. wp
Bo said
Apr 10, 2018
Bamagrl, welcome. The most important thing you said is that you went to your first face to face meeting, and even more important, is that you will be going back. Not good, but great for you. My experience, and my perspective, may be different than others, but it's mine, and it's what helped me get healthy and get better.
First, my step-son is an addict. I've been in his life since he was 5. His life went in the wrong direction when he was about 15. For years, I struggled with so many things -- what did I do wrong, what could I have done, if I had only done, what can I do now to help him, fix this, make up for, and so on and so on and so on. Everything I did, no matter what it was -- "didn't work" -- and he just kept getting worse. My thinking was so distorted, and I was getting hung up on "everything I am doing didn't work" -- and there was my problem. I tried, he didn't stop, so I failed. I was trying, he was using, so it didn't work. I did everything I could, he kept using, so I must be doing everything wrong, because it's not working. That, was my problem. Flawed and fallacious thinking -- distorted, unhealthy thinking.
What I had to do was come to a place of acceptance...my step-son was not going to stop using drugs...UNLESS...and UNTIL...he wanted to. Not me. Him. And there was nothing I could do to get him to stop. I tried it all. In 25 years of going to meetings, I have yet to hear someone say they tried something, that I didn't try. And none of it worked. Not one thing. I threw love at it, hate, anger, money, threats, speeches, ultimatums, rehabs, IOP's, logic, meetings, fear, and so on and so on. I gave and forced all of that on him...and none of it worked. Now, I am not recommending or suggesting that you or anyone not try whatever it is you want to try. What I am saying is that what we come to learn in alanon...is that the alcoholic/addict will not stop drinking/using UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Them. If we want it more than them...it doesn't happen.
Second, I immersed myself in acceptance. I had to accept that he would not stop unless and until he wanted to, and there was nothing I could do about that...and acceptance was not just simply me intellectually recognizing that I couldn't fix him, get him to stop, etc. I didn't have to admit that. I didn't have to realize that. I had to ACCEPT that...and when I did...acceptance meant I was able to stop tying everything I had been doing. I was able to stop trying to fix it, fix him, control him, control his using, cure it, get him to stop, go to rehab, and so on and so on and so on. Acceptance was me giving up on trying to fix it and him. It was freeing for me. That may sound strange, and it may sound counter-intuitive to what you've been thinking and doing, but that's what I learned as a beginner in alanon.
While this was going on, I watched my step-son "get worse" and move from smoking pot, to doing coke, to taking pills, to using heroin, to becoming a thief, to stealing from his mother, brother, sister, and me, stealing from his neighbors, his girlfriend's family, to pawning everything he could steal at pawn shops, to getting arrested, multiple times, to going to jail, four times, ultimately, culminating with armed robbery. That's the spiraling downward. And I graduated, got better, and went from hiring attorneys, bailing him out, trying to fix all of these chaotic, drama, and turmoil situations, and being right there, involved in every single thing, and being in it...to allowing him to figure out how to get his own public defender, to watching him sleep on friend's couches until he got thrown out, to sleeping in cars, sleeping in the park, not showering because he wasn't allowed to live in my house while he was using, to being arrested and me not bailing him out, and going from local, small town, municipal jail, to major, county jail (that's been featured on TV as one of the worst county jails in the US), and being in jail for one year. And one might say -- how was that me getting better. Well, go to a lot of meetings, learn the alanon program, and I can only hope that one day you will understand it. All this time, he was angry at me, blamed me, told me his mother would have helped him if it wasn't for me, yelled at me, screamed at me, hated me, and told everyone that everything happening to him was my fault. Was it me who robbed the convenience store? Was it me who got arrested for drugs? Was it me who ran over his mother with the car? Need I go on? LOL.
Third, I had to get to work. What that meant for me was -- going to official, (conference) approved face to face meetings, finding a sponsor, focusing on me, beginning to do the work in alanon, doing readings every single day, picking up the phone and calling my sponsor every single day, and making change (in my thinking, my actions and reactions, my behavior, and my focus). I had to do this work for me, on me, and it was about me. Not him! I did all this, one day at a time. I did all of this little by slowly. I did all of this because getting better -- was the most important thing in the world to me. I scratched, clawed, crawled, cried, and did whatever I had to...to get better, to get healthy.
When you go to face to face meetings, you will be surrounded by people who have been where you are, who have felt what you are feeling, and have dealt with everything you are dealing with. They can help you. They will. If you let him and allow them to.
All the best...and keep going back (to face to face meetings).
Lyne said
Apr 11, 2018
Welcome from me as well. New and lost applied to probably all of us at one time, but I certainly relate. You have arrived at a place for help and I learned that I could not help my alcoholic, but I could (and do) help myself. By focusing on me and how I deteriorated , I am stronger and healthier . We have a saying in Alanon, progress not perfection. I continue to work on myself and coming to program is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. Keep coming back. Help is available, Lyne
My 18yr old son is an addict. He got clean for 8 months and a month ago relapsed. I attended my fist meeting last week and will be going back. I just feel like everything i do is wrong. I have not allowed him to stay at my house while he is using. So hard to do, but im at a loss. I saw him today and he does not even look like my child. I told him i loved him and he knew how to reach me when he was ready. Am i on the right track?
((Bamgirl)) glad that you have alanon face to face meetings and have attended. Alcholism is chronic, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. Please try to pick up alanon literature at the meetings, as the literature really helped me to keep showing up and using the tools such as the slogans and the steps .It does sound as if you do understand the principle of detachment and are working it well,
Please keep coming back-- there is hope
I will say that leaning into what was suggested - meetings, literature, sponsor, steps, etc. - all helped me find some level of comfort and peace. It is really, really hard to let go of a child, yet I had to learn the hard way that when I provide a soft landing, I postpone their consequences and potentially delay their desire for help.
Please keep coming back here - you are among others who understand and there is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
Welcome to miracles in progress :) It sounds to me like everything you are doing is right because you already know how to be honest And loving with your son. Going to alanon can be a great gift for you and for those you meet as well. Consider attending our online meetings as well if you like. wp
Bamagrl, welcome. The most important thing you said is that you went to your first face to face meeting, and even more important, is that you will be going back. Not good, but great for you. My experience, and my perspective, may be different than others, but it's mine, and it's what helped me get healthy and get better.
First, my step-son is an addict. I've been in his life since he was 5. His life went in the wrong direction when he was about 15. For years, I struggled with so many things -- what did I do wrong, what could I have done, if I had only done, what can I do now to help him, fix this, make up for, and so on and so on and so on. Everything I did, no matter what it was -- "didn't work" -- and he just kept getting worse. My thinking was so distorted, and I was getting hung up on "everything I am doing didn't work" -- and there was my problem. I tried, he didn't stop, so I failed. I was trying, he was using, so it didn't work. I did everything I could, he kept using, so I must be doing everything wrong, because it's not working. That, was my problem. Flawed and fallacious thinking -- distorted, unhealthy thinking.
What I had to do was come to a place of acceptance...my step-son was not going to stop using drugs...UNLESS...and UNTIL...he wanted to. Not me. Him. And there was nothing I could do to get him to stop. I tried it all. In 25 years of going to meetings, I have yet to hear someone say they tried something, that I didn't try. And none of it worked. Not one thing. I threw love at it, hate, anger, money, threats, speeches, ultimatums, rehabs, IOP's, logic, meetings, fear, and so on and so on. I gave and forced all of that on him...and none of it worked. Now, I am not recommending or suggesting that you or anyone not try whatever it is you want to try. What I am saying is that what we come to learn in alanon...is that the alcoholic/addict will not stop drinking/using UNLESS and UNTIL they want to. Them. If we want it more than them...it doesn't happen.
Second, I immersed myself in acceptance. I had to accept that he would not stop unless and until he wanted to, and there was nothing I could do about that...and acceptance was not just simply me intellectually recognizing that I couldn't fix him, get him to stop, etc. I didn't have to admit that. I didn't have to realize that. I had to ACCEPT that...and when I did...acceptance meant I was able to stop tying everything I had been doing. I was able to stop trying to fix it, fix him, control him, control his using, cure it, get him to stop, go to rehab, and so on and so on and so on. Acceptance was me giving up on trying to fix it and him. It was freeing for me. That may sound strange, and it may sound counter-intuitive to what you've been thinking and doing, but that's what I learned as a beginner in alanon.
While this was going on, I watched my step-son "get worse" and move from smoking pot, to doing coke, to taking pills, to using heroin, to becoming a thief, to stealing from his mother, brother, sister, and me, stealing from his neighbors, his girlfriend's family, to pawning everything he could steal at pawn shops, to getting arrested, multiple times, to going to jail, four times, ultimately, culminating with armed robbery. That's the spiraling downward. And I graduated, got better, and went from hiring attorneys, bailing him out, trying to fix all of these chaotic, drama, and turmoil situations, and being right there, involved in every single thing, and being in it...to allowing him to figure out how to get his own public defender, to watching him sleep on friend's couches until he got thrown out, to sleeping in cars, sleeping in the park, not showering because he wasn't allowed to live in my house while he was using, to being arrested and me not bailing him out, and going from local, small town, municipal jail, to major, county jail (that's been featured on TV as one of the worst county jails in the US), and being in jail for one year. And one might say -- how was that me getting better. Well, go to a lot of meetings, learn the alanon program, and I can only hope that one day you will understand it. All this time, he was angry at me, blamed me, told me his mother would have helped him if it wasn't for me, yelled at me, screamed at me, hated me, and told everyone that everything happening to him was my fault. Was it me who robbed the convenience store? Was it me who got arrested for drugs? Was it me who ran over his mother with the car? Need I go on? LOL.
Third, I had to get to work. What that meant for me was -- going to official, (conference) approved face to face meetings, finding a sponsor, focusing on me, beginning to do the work in alanon, doing readings every single day, picking up the phone and calling my sponsor every single day, and making change (in my thinking, my actions and reactions, my behavior, and my focus). I had to do this work for me, on me, and it was about me. Not him! I did all this, one day at a time. I did all of this little by slowly. I did all of this because getting better -- was the most important thing in the world to me. I scratched, clawed, crawled, cried, and did whatever I had to...to get better, to get healthy.
When you go to face to face meetings, you will be surrounded by people who have been where you are, who have felt what you are feeling, and have dealt with everything you are dealing with. They can help you. They will. If you let him and allow them to.
All the best...and keep going back (to face to face meetings).