I am a mom of one, and another on the way. My boyfriend and I seem like we have a perfect life from the outside... So perfect that his parents were "unaware" of his drinking problem. We have been in our newly built house for a little over a year, I just began my own small business and he works in construction. He is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks everyday, all day. He thinks he's outsmarting me and able to hide it, but I can tell even if he's had one drink. It's always been a problem, but a problem I enabled and ignored. When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I cried. Cried because I'm scared, because I'm angry with myself, because I did not want to have another child with him until he was sober. Our problems are officially out in the open, I told his parents that his drinking has gotten out of hand, my parents have been well aware for a while also. And I don't know what to do at this point, because he is someone who will not open up to anyone unless he is drunk. How is he going to get help if he doesn't talk? I'm so lost, I love this man so much, he is an amazing father. But I don't think it's ok to be drunk every single day around your child(ren)... I'm very new to alanon, I have never been to a meeting but I've heard of them. My mom suggested that I attend, I really don't know why I haven't. I cry almost everyday, maybe because I'm hormonal, but so much because I'm in this situation. I'm terrified that my children will end up alcoholics, or end up with alcoholics and the cycle will only continue. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or guidance. I just know I feel stuck at this point...
AnnieFenk321 said
Apr 8, 2018
Hi workingmom,
Firstly, welcome.
I am also married to an alcoholic and we have a little child together. Up until recently, my life was chaos with his alcoholism causing all kinds of issues in our marriage.
You are right that it sounds like your husband has a problem, but you don't have control over what he does or doesn't do. Getting help for yourself so that you can make balanced and wise decisions to take care of yourself and your children is what you do have control over.
I got involved in Al-Anon, began attending meetings and have found so much help and hope, not to mention the loving support of people who really "get it." Until I started face to face meetings I didn't realise how amazing it would be to share my burdens with someone who had been there before. I was so sick of trying to "explain" and "get support" from family members and friends who loved me but just couldnt understand what I was going through.
I understand and identify with your fears about the future. I find hope knowing that many members of al anon have found all kinds of ways to live through situations that are difficult and make good, healthy decisions for themselves. They have done this by taking the focus off the alcoholic and putting the focus on themselves.
I used to spend literally hours fretting over what my husband was doing or not doing, thinking or not thinking and how our lives would be in the future. I would judge his behaviour and I would fear for our future, our finances and our son.
Since starting al-anon I have learned that I don't need to spend my time on these worries. I need to focus on working on myself so that I can become healthy. Because I too have been affected by the family disease of alcoholism, I need to get well before I can make wise decisions. I work every day on accepting that I do not know what the future holds and that I am allowed to take one day at a time. Sometimes I have to stop myself dozens of times each day and remind myself when I start "future tripping" that I am living today, one day at a time and NOT allowing myself to daydream or fret about the future as I simply do not know what will happen.
When the time comes for making decisions, I am certain that it will be clear to me.
I hope you do find meetings and attend.
Sending a big hug and best wishes to you.
Annie
Jerry F said
Apr 8, 2018
Aloha Skye and welcome also to the board and the front door of Al-Anon. Just gotta get past the door and come in and sit down and listen and learn what we have found out thru the wisdom of the family that came before us as Annie said and who "got it" and were more than willing to pass it on to myself and others. Alcoholism is an incurable disease and fatal if not arrested by total abstinence and what was I to do sit around and watch my wife die. It drove me crazy and I was the one that almost killed her out of rage. I was deeply affected and had to learn so much and only could if I could get into the rooms of Al-Anon, sit down and listen with an open mind and then duplicate what others had learned.
It sound like you still have some sanity so I suggest to keep it that you get to the rooms of the fellowship. Look up the hot line number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call for the times and places we get together in your area and then come. You might even be able to bring your child if they provide child care.
There are twice daily meetings here at MIP. Look up the times on the face page and then check in.
Keep coming back often. We are in support. ((((hugs))))
Skorpi said
Apr 9, 2018
Welcome WorkingMom! I'm glad you found your way to us.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and most of us found that living with it alone was too much. My hopelessness and desperation are what drove me to MIP and to walk through the doors of my first Face-to-face meeting. I've found a wonderful community of people who understand me and my situation, who have lived similar lives, and are able to share their experience, strength, and hope with me. With AlAnon, I do not have to walk this path alone, and neither do you.
Keep coming back, try an online meeting, and try some face-to-face meetings. I've found that the AlAnon program works when I work the program.
(((hugs)))
Lyne said
Apr 9, 2018
Welcome WMom-We share a common bond in Alanon, living or having lived with a loved one who is alcoholic. I got sick as well, focusing all my energy on trying to change my A. All my attempts were useless. I came to program a very broken person. Several years in Alanon now, I am stronger and healthier. Am I all fixed? Heck no! I'm a work in progress. But I was lost and I've been able to climb my way out of a deep hole. One or our sayings is Progress not Perfection. I hope you will keep coming back, Lyne
Iamhere said
Apr 9, 2018
I too send a welcome to you Working Mom - glad you found us and glad you joined right in. I can't think of anything to add to what's above me other than to say that this program - Al-Anon saved my life and my sanity. It gave me a safe place to share with others who get it and a safe place to heal and deal from the disease.
Sending you thoughts and prayers - keep coming back....there is hope and help in recovery!
Firstly, welcome.
I am also married to an alcoholic and we have a little child together. Up until recently, my life was chaos with his alcoholism causing all kinds of issues in our marriage.
You are right that it sounds like your husband has a problem, but you don't have control over what he does or doesn't do. Getting help for yourself so that you can make balanced and wise decisions to take care of yourself and your children is what you do have control over.
I got involved in Al-Anon, began attending meetings and have found so much help and hope, not to mention the loving support of people who really "get it." Until I started face to face meetings I didn't realise how amazing it would be to share my burdens with someone who had been there before. I was so sick of trying to "explain" and "get support" from family members and friends who loved me but just couldnt understand what I was going through.
I understand and identify with your fears about the future. I find hope knowing that many members of al anon have found all kinds of ways to live through situations that are difficult and make good, healthy decisions for themselves. They have done this by taking the focus off the alcoholic and putting the focus on themselves.
I used to spend literally hours fretting over what my husband was doing or not doing, thinking or not thinking and how our lives would be in the future. I would judge his behaviour and I would fear for our future, our finances and our son.
Since starting al-anon I have learned that I don't need to spend my time on these worries. I need to focus on working on myself so that I can become healthy. Because I too have been affected by the family disease of alcoholism, I need to get well before I can make wise decisions. I work every day on accepting that I do not know what the future holds and that I am allowed to take one day at a time. Sometimes I have to stop myself dozens of times each day and remind myself when I start "future tripping" that I am living today, one day at a time and NOT allowing myself to daydream or fret about the future as I simply do not know what will happen.
When the time comes for making decisions, I am certain that it will be clear to me.
I hope you do find meetings and attend.
Sending a big hug and best wishes to you.
Annie
Aloha Skye and welcome also to the board and the front door of Al-Anon. Just gotta get past the door and come in and sit down and listen and learn what we have found out thru the wisdom of the family that came before us as Annie said and who "got it" and were more than willing to pass it on to myself and others. Alcoholism is an incurable disease and fatal if not arrested by total abstinence and what was I to do sit around and watch my wife die. It drove me crazy and I was the one that almost killed her out of rage. I was deeply affected and had to learn so much and only could if I could get into the rooms of Al-Anon, sit down and listen with an open mind and then duplicate what others had learned.
It sound like you still have some sanity so I suggest to keep it that you get to the rooms of the fellowship. Look up the hot line number in the white pages of your local telephone book and call for the times and places we get together in your area and then come. You might even be able to bring your child if they provide child care.
There are twice daily meetings here at MIP. Look up the times on the face page and then check in.
Keep coming back often. We are in support. ((((hugs))))
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and most of us found that living with it alone was too much. My hopelessness and desperation are what drove me to MIP and to walk through the doors of my first Face-to-face meeting. I've found a wonderful community of people who understand me and my situation, who have lived similar lives, and are able to share their experience, strength, and hope with me. With AlAnon, I do not have to walk this path alone, and neither do you.
Keep coming back, try an online meeting, and try some face-to-face meetings. I've found that the AlAnon program works when I work the program.
(((hugs)))
Sending you thoughts and prayers - keep coming back....there is hope and help in recovery!