I am letting this go because this is my XAH and this is exactly who he is .. lol .. and I have to take ownership in the fact I have scared him so bad I'm sure whatever cahona's he was growing back left him yet again. I believe that is set 3 that have now been added to the vault.
So after the wife texting my kid who by the way is in the throws of anxiety issues that of course they are oblivious to because they do not listen .. tells him that his dad has been in a car accident that undid the surgery from November (my little violin is out by the way), I know I have a LOT of work to do .. LOL .. not today Satan. The man texts his oldest "Happy Birthday" and whines about how sore he is .. this is over 72 hours from the "incident". Ok. What's the point. This is not my circus not my monkey's and I'm not willing to rent them .. however I'm like a cartoon character knowing this person is causing my kid harm .. very calmly and methodically in my mind I am beating his head against a wall .. it's cartoon form .. so he'll be fine. That's what I would call a dark fantasy and I am trying to have good thoughts and it's not working. Honestly I do laugh at the thought since no harm can physically be done.
He asked about the youngest and oldest tells him you will have to call mom to talk to youngest .. and he says never mind. LOL .. ok .. let's not be a grown up or anything .. no he's not getting his direct line after what he's pulled with the oldest, school schedules and giving his number out (the kids) .. he is of the mind set .. it's always his time schedule and sorry neither of my kids are wringing their hands waiting to hear from dear old dad. They have lives thank GOD .. outside of all that. So he's to much of a puss to call and talk to his youngest if it means he actually has to speak to me ... LOL!!! Yes .. I have no respect .. zero. Just as a man it's very hard for me to respect someone who can't even communicate basics .. he could send an email .. hey .. I'm calling D at XYZ time .. let him answer the phone .. again .. to much of a puss. Whatever. I am not the unreasonable .. sorry if 5 weeks of no child support makes me snappish OR you are trying to cause me harm financially by delaying things that are already done .. LOL .. good luck with that sucker. The last go around was him controlling money and paying what he felt I deserved not what was court ordered .. LOL. I tend to say mess with the bull you get the horns. I will take you out in that regard. Even my last attorney said .. if he would just leave you alone and deal with the kids and do what he's suppose to do .. you wouldn't say a damn thing .. and that's a true story.
My oldest says yup ... that was all about having oldest call while he was with youngest .. what a sick person. Nothing has changed, so that is just a validation of who I am dealing with currently and I know so I will continue to do me. Focusing on the best person I can be going forward which only means I need to be courteous not personal. I'm way ok with that.
I mentioned going to the wedding and OMGOSH .. seriously so much fun .. it's so nice to be with someone who enjoys dancing and is very good at it. We have not gone enough to say the least .. we two stepped, I tried a couple of line dances that I was like umm . . noooo .. lol .. and seriously just had a good time together. So that's on the list. No spanx on the next outing that was painful .. and I need to loose some weight is a given .. which I plan to because I know I will feel better. I still feel like something is stuck in my left ear and it's driving me crazy. So I'm going to do some treatment after I shower and see what happens when everything is all soft and hope the alien doesn't appear out of my ear.
I also found a budgeting app that makes sense to me .. I tried that other one and I made it to complicated which I do that by nature .. so this is short and clear, my brain can see what I'm doing without over thinking .. all I have to do is be consistent if I am doing that then I'm ok. It's def something that helps me a great deal get my mind around what's going on. I don't want to be in charge of the money .. however I want an active participant .. and at this point no joint accounts. So we are plugging along and my BF is very happy with the results. Every Dollar is a Dave Ramsey deal that is free unless you tie it to your bank accounts .. this really breaks it all down in to a simplified version of where every penny is going and a zero budget. I like that a lot. I may get more into the program based upon how this goes .. we'll see.
My kiddo has been really good about staying in contact this weekend and I'm glad .. I'm glad I didn't have to hear about this during crisis and I'm glad because it tells me a lot about what's going on inside of him at the moment and he's aware .. that is a huge blessing. The transition stuff is going forward he's more stressed about it not happening and my thing is .. you are financially responsible for this .. I will help where I can .. however I can't help on monthly hormones and so on .. there are other things I would like to do for him .. I'm not getting caught in that .. he's talking top surgery which won't be for a while I mentioned next summer after he's been on a good program of hormones and things are evening out. I do worry about the issue of my youngest and telling him .. I have gotten good guidance from others and this is for them to workout and me to mediate .. the biggest thing I hope to explain to my youngest is this is his siblings journey and he's still the same .. it's only the outside changing .. not the inside. I know he's got anxiety about talking to his little brother because they are so close and this may or may not be shocking .. we'll just have to wait and see.
Anyways, it's all good .. I feel solid today and I like that .. I'm having more good days than down days .. the boundaries are the biggest thing. I am finally being invited with my BF to a family event this will be his daughter .. I have no expectations at this point the XW will be there and he's still very angry .. it is what it is and thankfully that won't be a concern until May. She's not ok .. and I feel sorry for her. Probably in the same way my XAH and his W feel sorry for me .. lol .. it's been interesting watching this unfold the way it has.
Hugs S :)
Aline said
Apr 9, 2018
Good to hear things are pretty ok with you and your family. I'm afraid of dancing, this is my social anxiety (its kind of personal, in a way, dancing, I think). I have begun dancing around the apartment sometimes, though :) Hope you have a good week!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 10, 2018
I had a good laugh today at myself and how little things change over a long amount of time.
Things have been really good this week .. I just feel solid which is nice for a change. Lots of positive changes coming and in process, I do wish my BF could be more positive vs jumping to the ultimate negative however I get it .. he's a little stuck in the waiting for the other shoe to drop mode. That takes time to work through, I know it's hard to let go of that kind of disappointment. At this point things are finally starting to settle down and fly right which is nice. He took time to go to his parents house which is about a couple hours away and I am enjoying some much needed down time, I am taking tomorrow off because I have some things I really want to get through .. I think my biggest challenge is going to be getting staying on task. I have hours (days) worth of cleaning to do and I'm going to have to settle for hours as in just about 12. I am going to hire someone to come in and do some deep cleaning because it just needs to happen. I have no desire to spend ever min cleaning of my time off. So having someone come in 2x a month to do the deep cleaning I hate .. is about right .. bathrooms and stove, I will be good with the rest. The kids are going to have to get in their rooms and do something different. I'm taking this as a first thing first kind of deal and I have set the expectation that the people who I love and adore are not going to undo what I have worked so very hard to do. So that's tomorrow. Well and the weekend after I get this done .. I'm telling you .. LOL.
Today I closed some more chapters in regards to my XAH with my XMIL (to avoid confusion .. his mom is dead and his X-Smom, she divorced his dad before I divorced my X is my XMIL, .. I feel like I need a diagram to explain things .. lol .. then there is my adoptive family .. my bio family .. LOL .. need I go on?), I tried to email her and it didn't go through and finally reached out on FB .. she has been on my Sam's card and I want to give that card to my BF now. I was doing it more as a courtesy than anything else. It worked out however it was a little sad too .. my XAH and I divorcing was not as painful as loosing that relationship .. there was just trust that was betrayed and I'm now ok with the distance. Some people can't make it about anyone else except themselves and for that reason I think the current status is the best. It was platitudes and pleasantries, nothing more, except the funny part of this is how little things change at times .. she is in my mom's neck of the woods because of her daughter from time to time and was asking about her. Except for the divorce I really don't care .. I tried to be as politically correct as possible and just made the statement that her relationship with my mom is between her and my mom I don't weight in on it either way. She did ask about the kids and I just gave the generic responses of which I think I have said 100x .. lol. I swear it's the same responses from last year .. LOL. I wonder if she noticed, I am curious if she will contact my mom, it will be what it's going to be however only validates why I am not disclosing much to my mom for this very reason. I am keeping it simple.
Aline, I am not a big dancer however I enjoy being twirled around in a two step or waltz, line dances are a hoot. I am just grateful to be with someone who enjoys dancing with me (specifically) because my XAH likes to dance just not with me .. LOL .. he certainly danced with everyone else .. LOL. Keep on dancing however you need to I think it's a great way to express many things and I think I spent a lot of time worrying so much what other people thought I forgot to have fun. I am very grateful today to be in a different place.
I am letting this go because this is my XAH and this is exactly who he is .. lol .. and I have to take ownership in the fact I have scared him so bad I'm sure whatever cahona's he was growing back left him yet again. I believe that is set 3 that have now been added to the vault.
So after the wife texting my kid who by the way is in the throws of anxiety issues that of course they are oblivious to because they do not listen .. tells him that his dad has been in a car accident that undid the surgery from November (my little violin is out by the way), I know I have a LOT of work to do .. LOL .. not today Satan. The man texts his oldest "Happy Birthday" and whines about how sore he is .. this is over 72 hours from the "incident". Ok. What's the point. This is not my circus not my monkey's and I'm not willing to rent them .. however I'm like a cartoon character knowing this person is causing my kid harm .. very calmly and methodically in my mind I am beating his head against a wall .. it's cartoon form .. so he'll be fine. That's what I would call a dark fantasy and I am trying to have good thoughts and it's not working. Honestly I do laugh at the thought since no harm can physically be done.
He asked about the youngest and oldest tells him you will have to call mom to talk to youngest .. and he says never mind. LOL .. ok .. let's not be a grown up or anything .. no he's not getting his direct line after what he's pulled with the oldest, school schedules and giving his number out (the kids) .. he is of the mind set .. it's always his time schedule and sorry neither of my kids are wringing their hands waiting to hear from dear old dad. They have lives thank GOD .. outside of all that. So he's to much of a puss to call and talk to his youngest if it means he actually has to speak to me ... LOL!!! Yes .. I have no respect .. zero. Just as a man it's very hard for me to respect someone who can't even communicate basics .. he could send an email .. hey .. I'm calling D at XYZ time .. let him answer the phone .. again .. to much of a puss. Whatever. I am not the unreasonable .. sorry if 5 weeks of no child support makes me snappish OR you are trying to cause me harm financially by delaying things that are already done .. LOL .. good luck with that sucker. The last go around was him controlling money and paying what he felt I deserved not what was court ordered .. LOL. I tend to say mess with the bull you get the horns. I will take you out in that regard. Even my last attorney said .. if he would just leave you alone and deal with the kids and do what he's suppose to do .. you wouldn't say a damn thing .. and that's a true story.
My oldest says yup ... that was all about having oldest call while he was with youngest .. what a sick person. Nothing has changed, so that is just a validation of who I am dealing with currently and I know so I will continue to do me. Focusing on the best person I can be going forward which only means I need to be courteous not personal. I'm way ok with that.
I mentioned going to the wedding and OMGOSH .. seriously so much fun .. it's so nice to be with someone who enjoys dancing and is very good at it. We have not gone enough to say the least .. we two stepped, I tried a couple of line dances that I was like umm . . noooo .. lol .. and seriously just had a good time together. So that's on the list. No spanx on the next outing that was painful .. and I need to loose some weight is a given .. which I plan to because I know I will feel better. I still feel like something is stuck in my left ear and it's driving me crazy. So I'm going to do some treatment after I shower and see what happens when everything is all soft and hope the alien doesn't appear out of my ear.
I also found a budgeting app that makes sense to me .. I tried that other one and I made it to complicated which I do that by nature .. so this is short and clear, my brain can see what I'm doing without over thinking .. all I have to do is be consistent if I am doing that then I'm ok. It's def something that helps me a great deal get my mind around what's going on. I don't want to be in charge of the money .. however I want an active participant .. and at this point no joint accounts. So we are plugging along and my BF is very happy with the results. Every Dollar is a Dave Ramsey deal that is free unless you tie it to your bank accounts .. this really breaks it all down in to a simplified version of where every penny is going and a zero budget. I like that a lot. I may get more into the program based upon how this goes .. we'll see.
My kiddo has been really good about staying in contact this weekend and I'm glad .. I'm glad I didn't have to hear about this during crisis and I'm glad because it tells me a lot about what's going on inside of him at the moment and he's aware .. that is a huge blessing. The transition stuff is going forward he's more stressed about it not happening and my thing is .. you are financially responsible for this .. I will help where I can .. however I can't help on monthly hormones and so on .. there are other things I would like to do for him .. I'm not getting caught in that .. he's talking top surgery which won't be for a while I mentioned next summer after he's been on a good program of hormones and things are evening out. I do worry about the issue of my youngest and telling him .. I have gotten good guidance from others and this is for them to workout and me to mediate .. the biggest thing I hope to explain to my youngest is this is his siblings journey and he's still the same .. it's only the outside changing .. not the inside. I know he's got anxiety about talking to his little brother because they are so close and this may or may not be shocking .. we'll just have to wait and see.
Anyways, it's all good .. I feel solid today and I like that .. I'm having more good days than down days .. the boundaries are the biggest thing. I am finally being invited with my BF to a family event this will be his daughter .. I have no expectations at this point the XW will be there and he's still very angry .. it is what it is and thankfully that won't be a concern until May. She's not ok .. and I feel sorry for her. Probably in the same way my XAH and his W feel sorry for me .. lol .. it's been interesting watching this unfold the way it has.
Hugs S :)
Things have been really good this week .. I just feel solid which is nice for a change. Lots of positive changes coming and in process, I do wish my BF could be more positive vs jumping to the ultimate negative however I get it .. he's a little stuck in the waiting for the other shoe to drop mode. That takes time to work through, I know it's hard to let go of that kind of disappointment. At this point things are finally starting to settle down and fly right which is nice. He took time to go to his parents house which is about a couple hours away and I am enjoying some much needed down time, I am taking tomorrow off because I have some things I really want to get through .. I think my biggest challenge is going to be getting staying on task. I have hours (days) worth of cleaning to do and I'm going to have to settle for hours as in just about 12. I am going to hire someone to come in and do some deep cleaning because it just needs to happen. I have no desire to spend ever min cleaning of my time off. So having someone come in 2x a month to do the deep cleaning I hate .. is about right .. bathrooms and stove, I will be good with the rest. The kids are going to have to get in their rooms and do something different. I'm taking this as a first thing first kind of deal and I have set the expectation that the people who I love and adore are not going to undo what I have worked so very hard to do. So that's tomorrow. Well and the weekend after I get this done .. I'm telling you .. LOL.
Today I closed some more chapters in regards to my XAH with my XMIL (to avoid confusion .. his mom is dead and his X-Smom, she divorced his dad before I divorced my X is my XMIL, .. I feel like I need a diagram to explain things .. lol .. then there is my adoptive family .. my bio family .. LOL .. need I go on?), I tried to email her and it didn't go through and finally reached out on FB .. she has been on my Sam's card and I want to give that card to my BF now. I was doing it more as a courtesy than anything else. It worked out however it was a little sad too .. my XAH and I divorcing was not as painful as loosing that relationship .. there was just trust that was betrayed and I'm now ok with the distance. Some people can't make it about anyone else except themselves and for that reason I think the current status is the best. It was platitudes and pleasantries, nothing more, except the funny part of this is how little things change at times .. she is in my mom's neck of the woods because of her daughter from time to time and was asking about her. Except for the divorce I really don't care .. I tried to be as politically correct as possible and just made the statement that her relationship with my mom is between her and my mom I don't weight in on it either way. She did ask about the kids and I just gave the generic responses of which I think I have said 100x .. lol. I swear it's the same responses from last year .. LOL. I wonder if she noticed, I am curious if she will contact my mom, it will be what it's going to be however only validates why I am not disclosing much to my mom for this very reason. I am keeping it simple.
Aline, I am not a big dancer however I enjoy being twirled around in a two step or waltz, line dances are a hoot. I am just grateful to be with someone who enjoys dancing with me (specifically) because my XAH likes to dance just not with me .. LOL .. he certainly danced with everyone else .. LOL. Keep on dancing however you need to I think it's a great way to express many things and I think I spent a lot of time worrying so much what other people thought I forgot to have fun. I am very grateful today to be in a different place.
Hugs S :)