So, it's been a while. I've been reading but not in a mental state to talk. Last week was really bad. My work pressure got so much I pulled a sickie. Except I was having panic attacks and shaking. so it wasn't really pulling a sickie, but I did lie about why I wasn't in work. I was supposed to have a meeting with my sub-boss but she's been too busy too (a lot of staff off at this time of year, and the work has to get done). I was going to outline how my job is too stressful and I need some ways forwards or I won't have a choice, I'll have a breakdown. I've emailed my big boss with concerns about my workload. I've been a total cow to work with. I have no patience for my colleague. I some patience with the kids I teach but not a lot. And there is this constant pressure to get better and better grades - but some of my students have gone AWOL, others are now working still, others are plain delusional about the grades they are going to get! (and in the British education system, I"m accountable for their grades...)
And then there's the drinking. In the last 8 weeks, ABF has spent 6 weekends in withdrawal (and one thursday/friday in withdrawal when he took time off work instead), 3 hospitalisations. One ruined planned weekend away. He has gone awol tonight. Went for a meeting at 1pm. It's now 9pm and I've heard nothing. I had been asking his mum for support but she's getting on a bit and isn't well. Plus ABF says that when she and I are messaging him, it makes him want to drink more (not messaged him tonight and... oh yes, it's all just the same, so just excuses.)
Anyway, I"m a little stronger at the moment as it's Easter vacation (so I only have to go in for 5 hours a day to run revision rather than the full 9 hours) but I"m really so fed up. This new job was going to be the "new start" (guess when he started it... yep! 8 weeks ago...). He's been to the doctor as he's not been convinced by a therapist that his anxiety is the reason for his trigger to drinking... but he's not taking the anxiety pills. SO that was worth it. And he's been too drunk to go back to the therapist. He's been too drunk to attend group meetings. This week he's been talking about buying a house (I own my flat and It's staying that way.) but he's delusional as he's still only 2 months into the new job and he's been drinking every week. He'll never manage to keep it.
Anyway, that's the context. So much else I could say but don't want to bore people! The problem is ending it. Neither of us is ready to do that. But it's making me ill now. Really ill. I know it;s partly my job but his drinking has just capped it. I don't want to face a life alone. I don't want to rush into anything new (actually I do, but I know that's the exact wrong thing to do). I'm lonely when he's out drinking and I don't have anyone to talk to. I've tried chat rooms but haven't found any that aren't full of predatory men wanting to talk sex. I've tried online therapy rooms but they really know nothing about alcoholism so they just wound me up. I'm also worried. I did end it before and he just turned up really really drunk. I worry that I'd have to get a restraining order. I know I have to live in the now. Deal with what I can change. I haven't managed to get to a meeting for a while because work has been so intense - and that it going to continue for a while. I kind of keep thinking the way an alcoholic does - I'll jsut get through this set of exams and deal with it; but then I have to get through the next set of marking and then I'll deal with it - and life is passing me by. This summer I turn 40 and it will have been 2 years since I first raised his drinking as a problem for me. I don't want to be 40 and still dealing with this crap.
Blerugh - anyway, just the rambling thoughts of a burned out teacher and GF to an alcoholic...!
bud said
Apr 5, 2018
(((MizzB))) I'm so sorry you have this. I can relate to the difficulty in ending a relationship. There's no rush - so long as you are safe - take your time, as you don't have to make a decision this moment. Continue to turn your focus on yourself and your HP, maybe 90 in 90, a sponsor, and of course our MIP family. Eat healthy foods, get enough sleep, exercise, time with friends. Do something that makes you feel good every day.
Bo said
Apr 5, 2018
MizzB wrote:
I don't want to face a life alone.
I worry that I'd have to get a restraining order.
and it will have been 2 years since I first raised his drinking as a problem for me.
I don't want to be 40 and still dealing with this crap.
First, just for today. Don't write a script that you will have to face life alone. You won't. Second, just for today. Don't live in the future. Third, nothing changes if nothing changes. 2 years. 3 Years. 4 years. 5 years. And so on. Fourth, 40? 42? 45? 50?
You start off by saying "So, it's been a while." -- and nothing changes if nothing changes. Our lives can get "really bad" and that's part of living with, being with, having, an alcoholic/addict in our lives. But it doesn't have to be really bad. But, as we all know the alcoholic/addict quitting and finding recovery is not the only way for us to get better. As a matter of fact, even if they do, we still may not get better. Your health is suffering greatly -- pressure, panic attacks, shaking, stress, and the fear of a breakdown. This is very serious. All of what's going on in your life is impacting you in other areas of your life -- work, being a total cow to work with, not having patience, reduced patience with the kids. This is all very serious. The impact this disease is having on you is building, growing, and now very serious.
Focus on YOU. Not your circumstances, not him, not his drinking, not what he's doing, just YOU. And then there's the drinking -- no, and there there's YOU. Just YOU.
He's been too drunk to go back to the therapist and too too drunk to attend meetings. Denial? Excuses? But he's not too drunk to drink? Hit rock bottom? He doesn't want to quit?
I said so much of the same thing you said when I was 40. My problem was I said the same things at 42. And at 45. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Thursday 5th of April 2018 10:51:35 PM
Lil99 said
Apr 6, 2018
Hi Mizz,
I can totally relate to your story. I was in a job where I was stressed out all the time and ended up off work with anxiety and panic attacks. Meanwhile my A partner was doing disappearing acts and 3 day binges. It felt like I was constantly going to be on medication and life couldn't go on like that. My life had become unmanageable! I didn't know which way was up or what to do about it. Definitely washing-machine-head.
Fortunately I was offered redundancy from work, which I took. I took some time out then found another job. I did have to take a massive pay cut though and leave a career that I once (a very long time ago) loved, so it's not been easy journey or decision. I also attended lots of Al Anon meetings, and still do.
My A partner is still actively drinking on the quiet sadly. But the disappearing acts have got much less frequent. I feel like I'm in a place now where I can deal with it or choose not to. I have choices. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I just turned 40 and it did feel like a bit of a landmark. I'm absolutely determined I don't want to spend the next decade like the last one. But saying that, every moment of life is precious, it doesn't need a landmark birthday to stop worrying and to start enjoying life!
I wish you all the very best, take care xx
Bo said
Apr 6, 2018
Lil99 wrote:
I feel like I'm in a place now where I can deal with it or choose not to. I have choices. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I'm absolutely determined I don't want to spend the next decade like the last one.
I love hearing this...it is so empowering...for years, I strived to get to this point, and I did! I always felt this is what alanon could do for me -- if I allowed it to, and if I did the work. Thank you so very much for posting this.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 6th of April 2018 07:13:39 AM
Iamhere said
Apr 6, 2018
(((MizzB))) - I too am sending positive thoughts your way. I know enough about me that I could never be a teacher. I've got some relatives and friends who are in that industry and I stand in awe of those who are called to instruct others! It truly baffles me as I am not a gentle soul by nature nor am I the queen of patience. So - hats off to you for the calling you've followed - I say often of teachers that they do make a huge difference in the lives of others whether they ever know it or not.
For me, when living with active 'in your face' alcoholism and the insanity, I felt almost held down or held back. I was one who struggled to keep my focus on me as well as to keep my mouth shut. It was a conscience effort to lock my lips and just 'let it go'. The insane planning, the chaotic tirades, the drunken missteps, etc. drove me nutty often and my sponsor just kept saying I needed to do something different if I wanted a different outcome.
She always led me back to the basics - what can I do, in this moment or in this day to be gentle with me or to take care of me. It was in the small things at first that helped my obsessive mind take breaks - painting my nails, taking a walk, reading a book, cleaning a closet - any action helped me change my thinking. As my esteem and confidence returned, I added coffee with program friends, different meetings, actually calling others in recovery, etc. As a gentle reminder that if I wanted a different outcome, I had to do differently, I even changed the order of actions in some of my routines - just to remind me I wanted to be different, happy, healthy and whole...
I'm so grateful that those who came before me made simple suggestions such as reading from a daily, pausing and breathing deep, etc. My life when I arrived at Al-Anon was also very full with work, home, kids, activities, responsibilities and more. I really stressed at the thought/suggestion of finding time to go to meetings, and work the program. Yet, when I stressed out and freaked out out loud, those folks just kept gently reminding me to lean into this program as much as I could whenever I could. It was a blessing and I offer that to you too.
I learned in recovery to get creative. I used to listen to speakers while walking my dog. I used to attend online meetings here while I was lifting weights, I pray often when I am showering, cleaning, driving, etc. There is no perfect path to serenity and progress - we do what we can when we can as often as we can and it does seem to get better!
Keep doing you and keep leaning in! I hope you know that you are worthy of a peaceful life - I had to learn that too. (((Hugs)))
Aline said
Apr 6, 2018
Hugs, (((MizzB))), I'm really sorry you have such a tough time and I really feel for you. I had it bad these past few days, and yesterday I drove myself to the point of almost having some kind of mental breakdown in the middle of the city. I think it might have been a panic attack as well, I'm not sure, but I hadn't felt this alarmed and crazy in a while. And its nearing a year since I'm not living with my ex-abf anymore... That's just proof of how crazy I am on my own, the lengthy absence of an active alcoholic in my daily life did not cure me, that's a definitive proof. I'm sick of getting into these emotional states. Today I tried being kinder to myself.... Will see how my new approach works in the long term, but today was way better regarding how I handled some things... I spent maybe 5 minutes total being anxious or sick in my stomach after my ex's e-mail (blaming me again for whatever), yesterday it was longer, and the feelings came back again when I remembered about the issue. Now I'm writing about this and I'm pretty OK. I just can't stand being a nutter anymore, I am stumbling and hitting some dead ends occasionally, but this program seems to work as long as I keep at it. Maybe I'm ready to let go now more, since I find it harder and harder to hold on. My death grip on the way things "should" be, maybe? Sorry for rambling. Keep coming back, and thank you for checking in and sharing.
MizzB said
Apr 8, 2018
Hi All,
Thank you, as always, for listening.
Bud, you are right, there it no rush. I am safe and my little Mabel is safe and while those two conditions are in place I can take my time.
Bo, you are right. I am sticking to patterns. So today, I went for a late walk wiht my dog. That's a small change, but small changes are the place to start at the moment. Motivation is love for me at the moment so motivating myself to look after the dog gives me a reason to do things that change my patterns. And you are so right about saying the same thing in 5 years if I don't change something. I've been doing this dance for 2 years already and the only person I'm hurting is me. I don't want to be saying the same things in 5 years. I also agree that this disease is taking its toll. I am pretty sure I have slipped into classifications for depression now. I've been here before and it's not as bad as before but I need to change before it gets to the point it got to 20 years ago.
Lil99, your experience of changing jobs is positive. I'm in the same position of having to take a big pay cut. My qualifications just don't translate to a big pay check in other industries. I am putting things into place at the moment so that I only have one more year in my career. And I'm hoping that the next year might be easier. (I did hope that this year but if I prepare properly then I might manage it next year!). I'm saving and paying my mortgage off as much as possible so I'm not tied to it. I can always move out of London and find a cheaper life style but at the moment I love London so I want to keep here as for a while longer at least. Turning 40 is scary for me. I felt the same at 30. I know that I'm not dealing with it particularly well I don't think. I'm also trying different ways of dealing with ABF when he goes drinking.
Iamhere - I'm not patient at all! Sometimes I have to bite my tongue! Working with teenagers is really hard sometimes and I struggle to let things go - like when they miss lessons. I also struggle with saying no when they hand in an extra essay for me to mark - I want to reward their motivation to do more but I realise that this also takes a toll on me. I need to talk to other teachers to see how they deal with this. It might stop some of my self-imposed isolation. There is one lovely teacher at work who I barely talk to but when I do she's so lovely. I will resolve to make more of those people in work I can talk to. I know I make a difference. I'm lucky enough to work with children who do tell me (some of them do) and they say "thank you" every lesson. And I can have a laugh with them, we tease each other and make jokes. Most of the children I work with are great - and the others? WEll, they're teenagers. They're supposed to be hard work! I also need to take time out of the noise. I fill my days with noise to stop the thoughts. I need to look into daily meditation. Even 10 minutes. And I need to find a meeting I can go to on a regular basis. All my local ones are Polish speaking so I have to go further afield, but I need to find a time I can regularly attend, I've looked for Saturday meetings as I think that's my best bet and I'm going to attend one as soon as I work out the nearest. I did phone a healthcare group but they never got back to me which is unfortunate as they would have been really close to me.
Aline, I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a bad time as well. While I wouldn't wish anyone to have a hard time, it's good to hear from people who are in all stages of recovery, especially the comments they make about recovery. It takes massive strength to admit you are struggling. Please don't ever apologise for "rambling", these are your thoughts and feelings and they are valid and getting them out often helps. For me, putting things in a written form is cathartic and often helps me to focus on what is important, and where I am thinking negatively. Far from rambling, it sometimes helps. I hope that you keep working on your recovery as I will be doing.
And thank you all. I will keep coming back. I will keep working on me. I will get to the meetings. I will get a sponsor. I will be knid to myself. I'm a good person. I do my best in everything I do. I need to understand that I can't ever do everything. And as soon as I get back to work I need to start talking to people and telling them when I'm finding things hard. ANd I will work on being nicer to my colleague (even though she is a bit annoying at times!)
DavidG said
Apr 8, 2018
I always found Step 11 difficult. Everytime I wanted to relax I would simply fall asleep- I was exhausted.
Latterly the 'first aid' that works for me is simply breathing. Just focussing on breathing and breathing deeply. Nose breathing, if possible.
Stretched out on the couch- like a cat. Or at work on the ground... [my work allows me to do this.]
The other most important thing i did was reaching out- to others... ....
MizzB said
Apr 8, 2018
Thank you David. I also fall asleep exhausted. My sleep patterns are very disturbed at the moment. WHen I'm at work I fall asleep exhausted. I'm on vacation for another week now and while I'm tired all the time and feel sluggish, I can't sleep at night. I've downloaded a meditation app to try. I could also meditate at work - I have a big cupboard I can hide in during school break time. I think it would confuse some children if I just lay down in my classroom and they happened to walk in!!
DavidG said
Apr 8, 2018
Hi Mizz,
More or less responding to your share on the other thread. Yes... people can think of any number of ways to deal with the A.!
People today in Alanon will suggest steps if we are under direct threat from the A. And this is correct.
But when we are faced with direct threat from within... well...!!!
It's just like at a meeting- the quiet buzz of voices... people in various stages of recovery... beyond the contact thing- and the breathing thing... not much clinical advice from me... unless someone is has a similar condition and circumstance- maybe outside of the meeting...
we do deserve to hold onto what we have- career, workplace... and we do deserve to have decent relationships!
Hey,
So, it's been a while. I've been reading but not in a mental state to talk. Last week was really bad. My work pressure got so much I pulled a sickie. Except I was having panic attacks and shaking. so it wasn't really pulling a sickie, but I did lie about why I wasn't in work. I was supposed to have a meeting with my sub-boss but she's been too busy too (a lot of staff off at this time of year, and the work has to get done). I was going to outline how my job is too stressful and I need some ways forwards or I won't have a choice, I'll have a breakdown. I've emailed my big boss with concerns about my workload. I've been a total cow to work with. I have no patience for my colleague. I some patience with the kids I teach but not a lot. And there is this constant pressure to get better and better grades - but some of my students have gone AWOL, others are now working still, others are plain delusional about the grades they are going to get! (and in the British education system, I"m accountable for their grades...)
And then there's the drinking. In the last 8 weeks, ABF has spent 6 weekends in withdrawal (and one thursday/friday in withdrawal when he took time off work instead), 3 hospitalisations. One ruined planned weekend away. He has gone awol tonight. Went for a meeting at 1pm. It's now 9pm and I've heard nothing. I had been asking his mum for support but she's getting on a bit and isn't well. Plus ABF says that when she and I are messaging him, it makes him want to drink more (not messaged him tonight and... oh yes, it's all just the same, so just excuses.)
Anyway, I"m a little stronger at the moment as it's Easter vacation (so I only have to go in for 5 hours a day to run revision rather than the full 9 hours) but I"m really so fed up. This new job was going to be the "new start" (guess when he started it... yep! 8 weeks ago...). He's been to the doctor as he's not been convinced by a therapist that his anxiety is the reason for his trigger to drinking... but he's not taking the anxiety pills. SO that was worth it. And he's been too drunk to go back to the therapist. He's been too drunk to attend group meetings. This week he's been talking about buying a house (I own my flat and It's staying that way.) but he's delusional as he's still only 2 months into the new job and he's been drinking every week. He'll never manage to keep it.
Anyway, that's the context. So much else I could say but don't want to bore people! The problem is ending it. Neither of us is ready to do that. But it's making me ill now. Really ill. I know it;s partly my job but his drinking has just capped it. I don't want to face a life alone. I don't want to rush into anything new (actually I do, but I know that's the exact wrong thing to do). I'm lonely when he's out drinking and I don't have anyone to talk to. I've tried chat rooms but haven't found any that aren't full of predatory men wanting to talk sex. I've tried online therapy rooms but they really know nothing about alcoholism so they just wound me up. I'm also worried. I did end it before and he just turned up really really drunk. I worry that I'd have to get a restraining order. I know I have to live in the now. Deal with what I can change. I haven't managed to get to a meeting for a while because work has been so intense - and that it going to continue for a while. I kind of keep thinking the way an alcoholic does - I'll jsut get through this set of exams and deal with it; but then I have to get through the next set of marking and then I'll deal with it - and life is passing me by. This summer I turn 40 and it will have been 2 years since I first raised his drinking as a problem for me. I don't want to be 40 and still dealing with this crap.
Blerugh - anyway, just the rambling thoughts of a burned out teacher and GF to an alcoholic...!
First, just for today. Don't write a script that you will have to face life alone. You won't. Second, just for today. Don't live in the future. Third, nothing changes if nothing changes. 2 years. 3 Years. 4 years. 5 years. And so on. Fourth, 40? 42? 45? 50?
You start off by saying "So, it's been a while." -- and nothing changes if nothing changes. Our lives can get "really bad" and that's part of living with, being with, having, an alcoholic/addict in our lives. But it doesn't have to be really bad. But, as we all know the alcoholic/addict quitting and finding recovery is not the only way for us to get better. As a matter of fact, even if they do, we still may not get better. Your health is suffering greatly -- pressure, panic attacks, shaking, stress, and the fear of a breakdown. This is very serious. All of what's going on in your life is impacting you in other areas of your life -- work, being a total cow to work with, not having patience, reduced patience with the kids. This is all very serious. The impact this disease is having on you is building, growing, and now very serious.
Focus on YOU. Not your circumstances, not him, not his drinking, not what he's doing, just YOU. And then there's the drinking -- no, and there there's YOU. Just YOU.
He's been too drunk to go back to the therapist and too too drunk to attend meetings. Denial? Excuses? But he's not too drunk to drink? Hit rock bottom? He doesn't want to quit?
I said so much of the same thing you said when I was 40. My problem was I said the same things at 42. And at 45. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Thursday 5th of April 2018 10:51:35 PM
I can totally relate to your story. I was in a job where I was stressed out all the time and ended up off work with anxiety and panic attacks. Meanwhile my A partner was doing disappearing acts and 3 day binges. It felt like I was constantly going to be on medication and life couldn't go on like that. My life had become unmanageable! I didn't know which way was up or what to do about it. Definitely washing-machine-head.
Fortunately I was offered redundancy from work, which I took. I took some time out then found another job. I did have to take a massive pay cut though and leave a career that I once (a very long time ago) loved, so it's not been easy journey or decision. I also attended lots of Al Anon meetings, and still do.
My A partner is still actively drinking on the quiet sadly. But the disappearing acts have got much less frequent. I feel like I'm in a place now where I can deal with it or choose not to. I have choices. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I just turned 40 and it did feel like a bit of a landmark. I'm absolutely determined I don't want to spend the next decade like the last one. But saying that, every moment of life is precious, it doesn't need a landmark birthday to stop worrying and to start enjoying life!
I wish you all the very best, take care xx
I love hearing this...it is so empowering...for years, I strived to get to this point, and I did! I always felt this is what alanon could do for me -- if I allowed it to, and if I did the work. Thank you so very much for posting this.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 6th of April 2018 07:13:39 AM
For me, when living with active 'in your face' alcoholism and the insanity, I felt almost held down or held back. I was one who struggled to keep my focus on me as well as to keep my mouth shut. It was a conscience effort to lock my lips and just 'let it go'. The insane planning, the chaotic tirades, the drunken missteps, etc. drove me nutty often and my sponsor just kept saying I needed to do something different if I wanted a different outcome.
She always led me back to the basics - what can I do, in this moment or in this day to be gentle with me or to take care of me. It was in the small things at first that helped my obsessive mind take breaks - painting my nails, taking a walk, reading a book, cleaning a closet - any action helped me change my thinking. As my esteem and confidence returned, I added coffee with program friends, different meetings, actually calling others in recovery, etc. As a gentle reminder that if I wanted a different outcome, I had to do differently, I even changed the order of actions in some of my routines - just to remind me I wanted to be different, happy, healthy and whole...
I'm so grateful that those who came before me made simple suggestions such as reading from a daily, pausing and breathing deep, etc. My life when I arrived at Al-Anon was also very full with work, home, kids, activities, responsibilities and more. I really stressed at the thought/suggestion of finding time to go to meetings, and work the program. Yet, when I stressed out and freaked out out loud, those folks just kept gently reminding me to lean into this program as much as I could whenever I could. It was a blessing and I offer that to you too.
I learned in recovery to get creative. I used to listen to speakers while walking my dog. I used to attend online meetings here while I was lifting weights, I pray often when I am showering, cleaning, driving, etc. There is no perfect path to serenity and progress - we do what we can when we can as often as we can and it does seem to get better!
Keep doing you and keep leaning in! I hope you know that you are worthy of a peaceful life - I had to learn that too. (((Hugs)))
Thank you, as always, for listening.
Bud, you are right, there it no rush. I am safe and my little Mabel is safe and while those two conditions are in place I can take my time.
Bo, you are right. I am sticking to patterns. So today, I went for a late walk wiht my dog. That's a small change, but small changes are the place to start at the moment. Motivation is love for me at the moment so motivating myself to look after the dog gives me a reason to do things that change my patterns. And you are so right about saying the same thing in 5 years if I don't change something. I've been doing this dance for 2 years already and the only person I'm hurting is me. I don't want to be saying the same things in 5 years. I also agree that this disease is taking its toll. I am pretty sure I have slipped into classifications for depression now. I've been here before and it's not as bad as before but I need to change before it gets to the point it got to 20 years ago.
Lil99, your experience of changing jobs is positive. I'm in the same position of having to take a big pay cut. My qualifications just don't translate to a big pay check in other industries. I am putting things into place at the moment so that I only have one more year in my career. And I'm hoping that the next year might be easier. (I did hope that this year but if I prepare properly then I might manage it next year!). I'm saving and paying my mortgage off as much as possible so I'm not tied to it. I can always move out of London and find a cheaper life style but at the moment I love London so I want to keep here as for a while longer at least. Turning 40 is scary for me. I felt the same at 30. I know that I'm not dealing with it particularly well I don't think. I'm also trying different ways of dealing with ABF when he goes drinking.
Iamhere - I'm not patient at all! Sometimes I have to bite my tongue! Working with teenagers is really hard sometimes and I struggle to let things go - like when they miss lessons. I also struggle with saying no when they hand in an extra essay for me to mark - I want to reward their motivation to do more but I realise that this also takes a toll on me. I need to talk to other teachers to see how they deal with this. It might stop some of my self-imposed isolation. There is one lovely teacher at work who I barely talk to but when I do she's so lovely. I will resolve to make more of those people in work I can talk to. I know I make a difference. I'm lucky enough to work with children who do tell me (some of them do) and they say "thank you" every lesson. And I can have a laugh with them, we tease each other and make jokes. Most of the children I work with are great - and the others? WEll, they're teenagers. They're supposed to be hard work! I also need to take time out of the noise. I fill my days with noise to stop the thoughts. I need to look into daily meditation. Even 10 minutes. And I need to find a meeting I can go to on a regular basis. All my local ones are Polish speaking so I have to go further afield, but I need to find a time I can regularly attend, I've looked for Saturday meetings as I think that's my best bet and I'm going to attend one as soon as I work out the nearest. I did phone a healthcare group but they never got back to me which is unfortunate as they would have been really close to me.
Aline, I'm sorry to hear you've been going through a bad time as well. While I wouldn't wish anyone to have a hard time, it's good to hear from people who are in all stages of recovery, especially the comments they make about recovery. It takes massive strength to admit you are struggling. Please don't ever apologise for "rambling", these are your thoughts and feelings and they are valid and getting them out often helps. For me, putting things in a written form is cathartic and often helps me to focus on what is important, and where I am thinking negatively. Far from rambling, it sometimes helps. I hope that you keep working on your recovery as I will be doing.
And thank you all. I will keep coming back. I will keep working on me. I will get to the meetings. I will get a sponsor. I will be knid to myself. I'm a good person. I do my best in everything I do. I need to understand that I can't ever do everything. And as soon as I get back to work I need to start talking to people and telling them when I'm finding things hard. ANd I will work on being nicer to my colleague (even though she is a bit annoying at times!)
I always found Step 11 difficult. Everytime I wanted to relax I would simply fall asleep- I was exhausted.
Latterly the 'first aid' that works for me is simply breathing. Just focussing on breathing and breathing deeply. Nose breathing, if possible.
Stretched out on the couch- like a cat. Or at work on the ground... [my work allows me to do this.]
The other most important thing i did was reaching out- to others...
....
Hi Mizz,
More or less responding to your share on the other thread. Yes... people can think of any number of ways to deal with the A.!
People today in Alanon will suggest steps if we are under direct threat from the A. And this is correct.
But when we are faced with direct threat from within... well...!!!
It's just like at a meeting- the quiet buzz of voices... people in various stages of recovery... beyond the contact thing- and the breathing thing... not much clinical advice from me... unless someone is has a similar condition and circumstance- maybe outside of the meeting...
we do deserve to hold onto what we have- career, workplace... and we do deserve to have decent relationships!
Take care...
...