Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted. Life with the A has been cyclical. He tries to not drink but eventually he starts (he thinks) "sneaking" bottles or cans when I'm at work, then the effusive personality when he has a plan set to get a 12-pack, the loud and/or angry drunk, then the remorseful hangover. I live in an area without nearby F2F and the neighboring community has only one group that my work schedule doesn't jibe with. I had worked the steps online and with reading materials several years ago and then I just got really frustrated like some have said before, if the A is living it up at my expense why do I need to work so hard? I knew the answer was "for my own serenity," and ultimately I accepted the wonderful benefits of Al-Anon, even though I know I need to start back at square one.
The A lost his parents and a grandparent within just over a year's time and it was a huge blow to him, especially since he'd been estranged from his parents for some years. The A is also an ACOA. Now the opportunity has come for the A to move back to his hometown and he wants to move me across the country to be with him. He stands to inherit some property and cash, and he has aspirations of investing in a business. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. Professionally, my career is dead in the water at my place of employment. I am ready to leave my job and have been for years. There is no promotional opportunities at my job and jobs are scarce where I live. In that aspect, moving would most likely be beneficial and a larger job market could be what I need. My adult sons are struggling with alcoholism and don't return my calls and I feel like I would probably see them about as often as I do now regardless of where I would live.
I guess, then, that the thing that worries me most is leaving what I know and what I have for an uncertain outcome with the A. I'm afraid that with his inheritance he will possibly ramp up his drinking and I would be across the country looking for a job and--what if he kicks me out? Or I want to leave? Or any combination of alcohol-related chaos? I know that I can find a job most anywhere, I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown, and giving up what little I've made for myself here.
Wow, that was some good clarity! It really is eye-opening to actually read the thoughts that have been rattling around in this head. Any ESH would be most appreciated. Thanks for listening(reading) and I'll keep coming back!
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Wednesday 4th of April 2018 07:57:28 PM
Aline said
Apr 5, 2018
Hi, Paloma, good awareness. That's great! I don't have similar experiences to share, but I can understand your fears about moving elsewhere with an active A not being very reassuring while you are still looking for a job, among other things... Keep coming back :)
Skorpi said
Apr 5, 2018
Hi Paloma, I love the clarity you found while reading your post.
What I see you saying is that life with an A is not rainbows and kittens, your sons are struggling with alcoholism and are not in frequent contact, you aren't happy at your present job, and the area you live in does not have promising job opportunities for you. Still, you know your life and your situation where you are, and there is comfort in that predictability.
Moving is unknown. It likely will bring better job prospects and the same amount of contact with your sons, but you are unsure of what your A will do.
Admittedly, I do not have children, so I cannot speak to that experience. I have had some major choices to make about job changes (trading security and a lousy work climate for the chance of a better career trajectory.) When I've been faced with questions about job changes or moving, I have asked myself what I want my life to look like in five years, and then I ask myself which choice will get me closer to that. I have to consider paying the bills in the short term, and I also try to let myself think about things like professional advancement, workplace climate, building job skills, and financial security. For me, I know my A is not going to hold down a job consistently, and I know she's not going to contribute consistency to household expenses. I've planned accordingly and over the past three years, I've put myself in a position to cover those things myself, so I am not as impacted by her financial decisions. I also have gotten to know myself. I like patterns, habits, and routines. I like security, I like stability. And, I also like challenges and career advancement is very important to me. So, when I'm making a decision about a job or a move, I make a list of pros and cons, set it aside, make a list of what is important to me know and order it most to least important, then I make a list of what I want my life to be like in five years. (on this list, I keep the focus on me, and keep things really general. Like "I want a calm and relaxing home life." instead of something specific about my A or others.) Once I have all the lists made, I look at them together, look at my needs now and look at my goals for five years, and see which choice (with its pros and cons) best fits my needs now and my goals for the future. Which one will meet my needs now and help me make progress toward my goals.
I have to say, also, I am generally risk averse, but I do like change and growth. My desire for growth and affinity for change outweigh my risk aversion. I've also found it sometimes useful to move to a new place and "start over" in a healthier mindset. I can leave the place-based memories and resentments behind, and focus newly on what is and who I want to be. (Although I see this as turning over a new leaf or getting a fresh start, not running away from, hiding, or denying the past.)
I hope you find more clarity as you continue to think about your decision.
Hi everyone, it's been a while since I've posted. Life with the A has been cyclical. He tries to not drink but eventually he starts (he thinks) "sneaking" bottles or cans when I'm at work, then the effusive personality when he has a plan set to get a 12-pack, the loud and/or angry drunk, then the remorseful hangover. I live in an area without nearby F2F and the neighboring community has only one group that my work schedule doesn't jibe with. I had worked the steps online and with reading materials several years ago and then I just got really frustrated like some have said before, if the A is living it up at my expense why do I need to work so hard? I knew the answer was "for my own serenity," and ultimately I accepted the wonderful benefits of Al-Anon, even though I know I need to start back at square one.
The A lost his parents and a grandparent within just over a year's time and it was a huge blow to him, especially since he'd been estranged from his parents for some years. The A is also an ACOA. Now the opportunity has come for the A to move back to his hometown and he wants to move me across the country to be with him. He stands to inherit some property and cash, and he has aspirations of investing in a business. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which way to turn. Professionally, my career is dead in the water at my place of employment. I am ready to leave my job and have been for years. There is no promotional opportunities at my job and jobs are scarce where I live. In that aspect, moving would most likely be beneficial and a larger job market could be what I need. My adult sons are struggling with alcoholism and don't return my calls and I feel like I would probably see them about as often as I do now regardless of where I would live.
I guess, then, that the thing that worries me most is leaving what I know and what I have for an uncertain outcome with the A. I'm afraid that with his inheritance he will possibly ramp up his drinking and I would be across the country looking for a job and--what if he kicks me out? Or I want to leave? Or any combination of alcohol-related chaos? I know that I can find a job most anywhere, I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown, and giving up what little I've made for myself here.
Wow, that was some good clarity! It really is eye-opening to actually read the thoughts that have been rattling around in this head. Any ESH would be most appreciated. Thanks for listening(reading) and I'll keep coming back!
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Wednesday 4th of April 2018 07:57:28 PM
What I see you saying is that life with an A is not rainbows and kittens, your sons are struggling with alcoholism and are not in frequent contact, you aren't happy at your present job, and the area you live in does not have promising job opportunities for you. Still, you know your life and your situation where you are, and there is comfort in that predictability.
Moving is unknown. It likely will bring better job prospects and the same amount of contact with your sons, but you are unsure of what your A will do.
Admittedly, I do not have children, so I cannot speak to that experience. I have had some major choices to make about job changes (trading security and a lousy work climate for the chance of a better career trajectory.) When I've been faced with questions about job changes or moving, I have asked myself what I want my life to look like in five years, and then I ask myself which choice will get me closer to that. I have to consider paying the bills in the short term, and I also try to let myself think about things like professional advancement, workplace climate, building job skills, and financial security. For me, I know my A is not going to hold down a job consistently, and I know she's not going to contribute consistency to household expenses. I've planned accordingly and over the past three years, I've put myself in a position to cover those things myself, so I am not as impacted by her financial decisions. I also have gotten to know myself. I like patterns, habits, and routines. I like security, I like stability. And, I also like challenges and career advancement is very important to me. So, when I'm making a decision about a job or a move, I make a list of pros and cons, set it aside, make a list of what is important to me know and order it most to least important, then I make a list of what I want my life to be like in five years. (on this list, I keep the focus on me, and keep things really general. Like "I want a calm and relaxing home life." instead of something specific about my A or others.) Once I have all the lists made, I look at them together, look at my needs now and look at my goals for five years, and see which choice (with its pros and cons) best fits my needs now and my goals for the future. Which one will meet my needs now and help me make progress toward my goals.
I have to say, also, I am generally risk averse, but I do like change and growth. My desire for growth and affinity for change outweigh my risk aversion. I've also found it sometimes useful to move to a new place and "start over" in a healthier mindset. I can leave the place-based memories and resentments behind, and focus newly on what is and who I want to be. (Although I see this as turning over a new leaf or getting a fresh start, not running away from, hiding, or denying the past.)
I hope you find more clarity as you continue to think about your decision.