How I feel or what I should feel because I'm pretty blank at the moment. Emotional lights are on however just not feeling it at the moment. I do know I felt a little shock when my kiddo told me.
My XAH had back surgery last Nov and proceeded to give me the whole diatribe about how he had to have blood work done because there could be something wrong .. umm .. yes .. you have surgery blood work is required before surgery, duh. Of course the not nice part of me thought many not so nice things that I managed not to say that's progress for me .. lol. Although I did manage to ask about life insurance for the kids .. LOL. I know .. bad S .. however seriously .. WTH was that? I will admit I am extremely detached from people who have hurt me I just shut totally down and it's an unfortunate emotional defense. Not interested in addressing it because it helps with court from time to time .. it makes things very business and no emotions. My 4 attorney's have mentioned that it's about the kids, it's about the money and other than that .. just not my problem. I have forgiven him .. I also don't get all mushy or wishy washy about my feeling/s especially when someone has shown me exactly who they are .. I'm sure I have shocked more than one or two people in my life. It is what it is and I look at it from a different view point. Maybe it could be classified with streaks of sociopathic behavior I do have the capacity for guilt, shame and so on, as well as empathy and compassion. I also don't hurt people for fun .. you know for many years I would say 3 after my X started with his stuff .. I don't know if I saw him on fire that I would have bothered to waste pee on him to put it out. Hey at least I might think about it now .. lol .. you know, I'm a work in progress .. lol .. this is a good thing.
Anyway, my oldest got disturbing news last night from the wife (and I keep wanting to say X-wife, I am the XW this one is the current one .. lol), via text because this is TOTALLY information that should NOT be given over text .. dumb asses. The kids dad had been in a car accident. You know I don't wish my X dead .. however I'm ok with him just vanishing because it would uncomplicated much of my life. The other part that bothered me is this text no phone call was made on my youngest's birthday. Now, I checked through some sources in town, I can probably find out through some other sources if he was admitted to the hospital and how long and so on .. shhh .. yes I have my channels. There was nothing on the news this is a relatively small to mid size town so something like this would have been on the news. I can't find the weekly accident report (yup we still have those too), they list DUI"s and the gamete.
I realize that accidents and much of life is not on a convenient time schedule .. seriously .. the day of my youngests birthday .. were they hoping we were all together? Was this to force a phone call between the kids and him? He has to call my phone since he can't behave and not give out the kids number to the Amazon people and so on to track their own gifts .. this happened recently. Yah .. same guy who sent me pictures of his "dying mother" for Father's Day so he could get out of being with his children to celebrate .. and we wound up spending the time at the hospital .. however she was in far better health than he said she was .. it was NOT the same picture. My trust level is a big fat ZERO!! Big time. No one should trust someone who can't be trusted, it's not a right. In speaking with my oldest at lunch I came to the decision not to tell my youngest especially since I have not been notified of what's going on .. he's to keep doing him and not acknowledge that I know. It serves my youngest better not to have the stress after the last BS with the back surgery. Tonight he's having a sleep over and relaxing with his friends. This is just not his worry. Should things actually take a harder turn .. we will have the discussion AFTER I get more information, that would be a LONG 14 hour car ride for everyone.
I told my oldest to just relax and wait, jumping around is not going to change the situation and if anything changes they will get a hold of him with more than a text. That's the crappy part of all of this and the most BS part of it, a text WOW .. I would understand if it were a younger generation .. both of these people are older than me. My oldest and I had a very frank conversation about the fact should their dad die .. the kids would be notified via text if they were notified at all. I am the hardware store in this situation. They are probably right not to reach out if he's not on a ventilator and so on.
Anyway, for today I am going to move past all of this enjoy my youngest and his friends. My oldest lost his wallet last night so I made another trip today to the place we ate last night and retrieved it .. we then went and had a REALLY nice lunch, I had my first mango and sweet sticky rice treat .. OMGOSH .. it was amazing to say the least. We talked about the past, the present and the future, .. lol .. I miss those conversations at times. Over all I would say I have a nice time with the kids .. I only hope they enjoyed it as well.
Hugs S :)
Aline said
Apr 1, 2018
its great you are doing you and enjoying time with your children :) I guess more will be revealed one way or another regarding ex.
Iamhere said
Apr 1, 2018
Your post Serenity reminds me of how powerless we are over other people, places and things. I hope you and yours have a happy Easter!!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 1, 2018
Yes it's the more revealed that has me a little off balance as in what does this mean for me financially .. by court order he's suppose to notify me directly not via our kids what is going on. THAT is what has me irritated over this situation .. I mean seriously .. IF something has changed then they should notify me as in my X isn't going to get a check from his work directly affects me. That means he's back in control of my money .. and it is MY money considering I pay my monthly bills and so on. It affects the kids and I both.
You know today I don't have to worry and for that I am grateful. I will be glad when that is no longer the case. So we will see what happens over the next few days. If nothing changes then I will know that it was a ploy on his part to force a conversation.
I have a mess happening in my kitchen .. LOL .. however well worth it and it all smells amazing I don't cook like this often so this will be a treat. I am missing my oldest as he keeps things going in the kitchen and I appreciate it so much. I am on a good pace to have a very nice linner going by 2pm.
Hugs and HAPPY EASTER regardless of how you celebrate it .. i's a very powerful holiday .. I love the references to the God Eostre and Goddess Easter .. there are so many to pull from though .. always gives me food for fodder.
S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 1, 2018
I got a chuckle out of 'mess in the kitchen' - I can so relate!! I am cooking this huge ham - which has to be glazed - which has to be made and then cooled....meanwhile my AH decided he wanted scalloped potatoes with it, which I am good with - just had planned on another dish...so had to pause, regroup, peel, slice, cook more - ham is on the counter while the taters cook! Then ham will go back in. Green beans are soaking and dough is rising - and yes - I too have a mess! I have no idea when we're going to eat - when it's all done is my best guess.
I have heard from both of mine and don't think either is stopping by. I'll make 'to-go' packages for them and just enjoy the meal, the nap after and the laid-back day we got going on. We have very cold temps. and snow in the forecast - and that's NOT an April fools joke! Strange day in April in my world for sure.
Enjoy the moment - surrender to what the day brings and just roll with it - that's my plan! One of my gal pals bought a new dress for Easter Service. Needless to say, it's a bit off with the weather we're having so we all got a chuckle out of that. Another passed on her new dress and wore sweater, boots....I've received and sent more than 50 Happy Easter wishes and let the little people know the bunny stopped here with a surprise for them!
Tradition went out the window this year as my aunt did not feel well enough to host 50 people. It's funny to see the reactions from drama to acceptance to something in the middle. I am grateful I have a program so I can just adjust and move forward. (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Apr 1, 2018
OMGOSH .. I am laughing I keep things very simple .. we do pretty traditional stuff except I do turkey not ham .. I'm not a big ham person .. my poor bf is .. so I will do one for him at a later date the worst part is going to be cleaning up!!! Although I'm on a good roll. Pie is made, turkey is cooking, I will be doing the stuffing and green bean casserole about the same time and then there are the mash tatoes .. that is a must in our house. The other part is my BF is not used to someone who will cook and enjoys it .. so that for him has been a big adjustment. I'm still adjusting to his schedule.
I also have a house guest .. love this child however eats NOTHING .. LOL .. I'm like dude .. come on .. I'm not doing pizza for Easter!!!! That was fun to have him here my son is enjoying doing something different .. I still got to make 2 baskets and I'm sure both of them will be puking chocolate and in minor sugar comas by the end of it all. I am laughing to myself. He was so sweet he said I didn't need to do one for him and I said yes, however I wanted to because we always do in our house. Wanna make me happy take the trash out and eat something other than candy .. LOL .. we will be even.
I still have bags of groceries to put away at the moment. I just realized I have to go back to the store .. I'm so not impressed with myself .. LOL!!!
Oh well .. at least nothing is on fire and no dishing are shattering .. my mother did that .. LOL .. she's a great cook so that always scares me .. I am not .. I still to what I can do. Off to the store and then I will be Netflix in the kitchen while I chop.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 1, 2018
Serenity, I am sorry to hear of the chaos that is the satellite to your life. I am sure 'more will be revealed.' Great advice to your eldest, btw!
Just wanted to say that I enjoyed the food prep exchange between the two of you (Serenity & IAH). This first year, all the holidays have been really rough for me. Even though Easter was a big deal for me when I was young (was raised Catholic), as an adult, I am not of an organized religion. But I have always celebrated Easter/spring with my son- coloring eggs the night before, waking early to hide them, and either made a big, special dinner, or went over to my mom & dad's house for a great family meal. Spouse was usually depressed/using/unavailable on this day, so don't miss that AT ALL!
I actually apologized to my son yesterday that the "Easter Bunny" won't be visiting our house and we don't have our annual egg hunt - yes, he and I still have fun hiding eggs! And I have no plans to make a special dinner, and my parents just don't do the meals anymore, as my mom is legally blind. He told me, "That's OK, mom. I know how rough it's been for you, and you just finished your big school project presentation, so it's cool!" God love him!!!
Wishing all my MIP family Peace and Light today!
Bo said
Apr 1, 2018
I remember my sponsor once told me it's OK to not know what you are feeling. He said it's OK to be "confused" or to have a whole series of emotions going on, or to just not know at all. For me, this one time, I felt equal parts elation, sadness, anger, and other things I am sure. None were greater or more powerful than the other. So I just felt...nothing. Not sure. I was completely neutral I guess. I don't know. I didn't want to over-analyze, try to figure out each and every element, etc.
So, I just did what I know how to do...one, acceptance...two, surrender...three, let go...
All the best for a happy and healthy Passover and Easter holiday.
andromeda said
Apr 1, 2018
Like Bo, I often feel 'nothing' and 'not sure'.....Honestly, I've finally gotten comfortable with it after my sponsor kept reminding me that it's OK.
Serenity, my son just told me that my XAH may very well have broken his hand in a biking accident. UGH....I do my best to stay on my side of the street and keep my comments to myself. Then I allow my son the dignity of calmly freaking out, lol!
We just had my bf's family of men over. 3 of them asleep in my family at one time and his one brother can saw some serious logs. I still need to finish cleaning up and I'm hoping to get some book reading in tonight, as well. I am craving some time with a good book. Hugs and Happy Easter to you!
Hoot Nanny said
Apr 1, 2018
I have to say that what IAH is going through this Easter. My dinner is on hold so my Ah is doing some kind of 12 step call. He is in over his head again. I would never It is not going to get involved but it does affect me a little. The ham will keep but I am anxious about not eating. Well maybe my story is different.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 1, 2018
Hoot Nanny .. big hugs .. rule of the house is when dinner is ready .. ready or not the cook eats .. I'm hungry and there is no sense in getting upset because I know that doesn't lead to good things. When everyone else gets there they can eat.
Big hugs, S :)
Hoot Nanny said
Apr 1, 2018
I get fed first. My h is the cook.
SerenityRUS said
Apr 2, 2018
Well, more was revealed sort of which was 72 hours and no additional contact.
I'm actually wondering if this was a warning shot fired over the bow because my oldest has been getting assistance financially .. books and some medical bills. I can tell that the texts are def more in line with the emails. At this point I have been well behaved and minding my own business and I will continue to do so. I'm not interested in getting overly involved although pointing out the obvious would feel sooo good and serve no point.
UGH... I had to laugh .. it's interesting to say the least.
I found one accident and if that was him it was not the same as he described to my kiddo so I question everything at this point and time.
So I sit and wait to find out exactly what will transpire over the next couple of weeks I will have more information at that point.
Hugs S :)
Bo said
Apr 2, 2018
There's another aspect of this for me, and that I've experienced...and that is my focus...when "the stuff" is going on, even though it may impact or affect me directly, I always make sure I have clarify and focus around...focusing on me!!!
I don't like to be sweeping my side of the street -- and looking over at the other side. I don't want to see, find out, inquire, notice, etc., how clean or dirty it is. None of it. It's really not my business -- even if it impacts me. I do what I need to do, keep my head down, drive ahead, and move forward. If someone else is going to impact me, I deal with it when it comes up in front of me. When God puts it in front of me...not before, because I asked my step-daughter, because I asked around, checked things out, etc.
Most recently, education. My step-daughter's mother pays for trivial things -- society membership, notepads, etc. I pay tuition. I pay for room and board, meals, food, spending money, etc. Her mother takes care of other things as well. So, graduate school is paid for, and now something new comes up -- my step-daughter's mother said she would pay. Bill due on April 2. Time goes by. Bill doesn't get paid. Step daughter tells me on Passover. I pay the bill today. Period. No drama. All done.
I could have asked around, find out if the mother had money, if the cable was turned off, could have asked my step-daughter if the cell phones were disconnected, electricity was turned off at home. I could have found out other things which would have given me a heads up that maybe, just maybe I would have to pay the bill. But I didn't!!! I am healthy, I am better. I love who I am. I do work around it every day to get even better and healthier than I am!!!
So, for me, it's to keep the focus on me. I don't let someone else live in my head rent free!!!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 3, 2018
LOL .. this week keeps getting better ..
My mother has announced that she wants to come visit for a weekend .. God help us all because I'm so totally not interested.
I have to laugh because it was all I could do not to send a very tart message to her best friend and say .. BUTT OUT .. lol .. I am perfectly fine with the distance.
I did type it out however I let it go. It was one more thing on my send is not my friend list.
It's just not the right time at the moment .. oldest is away at school .. youngest is not going to have it .. he reminds her of me so that's a whole other issue of picking at .. my bf doesn't understand the stress that causes me because she is a hard woman to deal with the constant critic. He gets his feelings hurts. Sigh.
Thanks for letting me share .. S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 3, 2018
(((Serenity))) - hang in there girl - I believe you have every right to say exactly what you said here - This is just not a good time! I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers - I hear you!!!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 3, 2018
Thanks IAM,
I have already put her off for the last year and this summer really is going to be crazy town. I tried to explain that however I keep telling myself it's just a weekend although this is my mother and she will be put out that the world is not revolving around her. My BF will be working as it's the weekend. My kids will be coming and going. I do not want to be alone with my mother as we do not bring out the best in each other. This is actually an improvement from the past.
She's not taking no for an answer this year, and the worst of it is that her BFF is pushing and this woman irritates me because she's of a very codie mindset that involves alcoholic families. I'm trying not to send a hateful email to her. Of this is seriously none of your business type of email and I am trying to hold on to the fact that I am a much nicer person than that .. lol .. although one more thing comes up and I will be asking for her to pay for my therapy.
I'm really just struggling today I think in general because I don't like being informed about something and it's like .. she may come out here and no one has time. That's not going to be on me.
Anyway, .. I am ready for today to be done so I can be home and relaxing .. lol.
Thanks again .. S :)
Aline said
Apr 3, 2018
Hang in there (here ;), lol), Serenity. I hope you have a stress-less evening... Sending you (((cyberhugs)))
Iamhere said
Apr 3, 2018
(((Serenity))) - I hear you.....my mother can be persistent. I too hope you have a stress-less evening and a relaxing one at that! (((hugs)))
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 4, 2018
Hang in there. ((((Serenity))))
SerenityRUS said
Apr 5, 2018
Well I finally got the answer I was waiting for on a couple of things .. I did send a short email to my mom asking her to come out for a longer visit during Thanksgiving. I just can't do it right now and I managed to do it in a very short 3 line email .. for me that's a miracle .. LOL.
My oldest did hear from his dad on his birthday and I'm glad about that. However it was exactly what I had thought .. a big manipulation to by pass me to talk to my youngest, that's on him, not my issue. He apparently whined to my oldest about the situation I just did a hard eye roll thankfully we were only texting.
So steps in the right direction .. I left it alone .. meaning I did not send an email blast to him and the wife. I am still baffled by who does that via text .. LOL? Really?? I left the youngest out of it completely. I had asked him if he wanted to talk to his dad and he said absolutely not and when I asked later he ignored my text so that tells me all I need to know .. don't ask .. lol.
There was also the issue of the wife trying to meddle, manage and manipulate the situation and now they realize that's just not going to work. My oldest didn't seem to be to enthralled or impressed by it all and I again left it alone.
I just keep telling myself there is SOOO MUCH the XAH is so unaware of and that's totally OK .. lol. On him and he will figure it out eventually .. I guess today is not the day.
I have decided to stop being so commitment phobic with my BF .. he's a work in progress no different than me and I can take the total package it's a matter of can I accept things where they are and I am ok with that. NO MARRIAGE on the forefront for me although he would jump if I indicated I was ready .. I am not. He's got some things that for me are marriage deal breakers happening and he's got to figure out on his own what he wants to do. I was at least able to do a joint budget which is a HUGE deal .. LOL .. we will be so much better off going forward and it's just time to start thinking smart financially as a couple. I like where it is going.
Hormones have decided to get right this month and I'm taking advantage of it .. lol .. at least I made it through without feeling like a psycho however I can do without the nausea .. ugh .. this work day was the pits big time. I have put down 2 Sprites and at least don't feel as bad just .. yuck .. I was suppose to see my oldest tonight however I am going to put it off until Sunday.
Hugs S :)
serenity47 said
Apr 5, 2018
Good to hear that things are settling down a bit with everyone. Leaving things alone........ always a good idea for me. I often marvel at how I ever got to the belief that I know best for everyone in my life. I don't have to agree or like how others are behaving or what they are saying but I can make a good decision for myself and stay on my side of the street. No one ever did what I told them to do anyhow lol and , it left me resentful and stirred up. Hope you are feeling better soon.
bud said
Apr 5, 2018
Thank you for sharing - I can relate - hang in there and keep on keeping on and taking good care of you and your children.
It's been years and I think of my exAH's wife as the ex so funny and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who does this.
Bo said
Apr 5, 2018
The "feeling" or lack thereof thing -- regardless of the situation -- can be perplexing. I am feeling a lot of that with regard to my sister. She is my only sibling, and she is not an alcoholic or addict. She, and our parents, do not speak to each other. For many of the reasons my parents don't speak to her and maintain a relationship with her -- those are the same reasons why I keep my relationship with her at a healthy distance. In short, she is just not a nice, healthy person. She simply has changed over time and my parents and I simply don't like the person she has become. My parents and I still love her, we just don't like her. Maybe this doesn't make sense, but in a dead medium it is harder to explain in an understandable way.
My sister is going through a very, very difficult time right now. There is a very tragic, very serious situation going on. My dad has resumed some communications with her. My mother has not. I have been there for her, and because of the situation, I've had to spend more time around her. It hasn't been easy. My primary motive is to be there for her. I've had to say to certain requests -- ones that aren't a necessity, but more of a luxury for her -- and while she's lost her temper about it, so be it. But for the most part, I've been there for her. What I've found is that having to spend more time around her, which isn't easy due to the person she is, has been OK. I've been more tolerable of her. I've allowed my compassion to be the driving factor. All of this, and I still don't like the person she is.
I've had some mixed feelings about this. While I have some strong awareness around certain things, there are a few aspects of this where I just don't know how I feel. And, I am OK with that. It's OK to not know how I feel, to have two different extreme feelings, to be confused, or whatever. I don't have to be definitive, and truly have complete and total clarity around what I am feeling.
One day at a time.
Iamhere said
Apr 6, 2018
(((Serenity))) - sending tons of hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. Your entire post brought forward to my brain, "Not my circus - not my monkeys"...I recall the first time I heard this laughing and then spending time really thinking about it.
I had this idea (good, but a bit warped) that because I was related by blood to 'certain people' that their circus was my circus and their monkeys were also my monkeys. It was my sponsor who gently kept suggesting this thinking is 'not so'. I can support, embrace and show concern/empathy for those in my life without jumping into their hula-hoop. I can also love them from across the street and stay detached from the swirling chaos in their lives. It was really, really hard for me to learn all this yet as with all things, practice and then more practice has helped.
Keep doing you - it looks so awesome on you...Happy Friday!
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 6, 2018
You sound good, Serenity!
Glad to hear that you put up a boundary (concerning your ex's wife), and that it is working. Also sounds like you were able to speak your mind, and able to do it in a concise way regarding your mom. Good for you!
I am also glad that you are pretty much comfortable with your status with the BF... I would think that getting married again would be tough after your last marriage... you'll know when and if it is right. One of the best parts about this program, is that we become empowered..."we" can sit in a relationship and not feel the pressure of conforming to the ideas of society, our extended family's beliefs, even our SO's opinion. We learn that it is OK for things to be on our timeline!
Hope you have a smooth, peaceful weekend!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 6, 2018
Hugs,
IAM made me realize I have no interest in renting the circus or the monkey's ... LOL .. so not interested. When I first came to alanon and someone told me my marriage was none of my business I was soooo mad ... and of course when my X started getting "counseling" he threw that one out a LOT .. which ok .. I was totally hands off .. not a good way to save a marriage however it saved my sanity.
I understand it better now .. there's a difference between being excluded and included ... my BF is very inclusive with me and I am move exclusive if that makes any sense. No .. I am not interested in marriage .. if my perfect partner was placed before me I would scream as if I was on fire and run as fast as I could the other direction. Thankfully my BF is able to roll with it and let me do me in terms of allowing me to have those moments and just sit back and wait for rational behavior to return .. and I remember I'm not actually on fire. He was very surprised .. however that's what I do .. I just kind of go .. ok .. I'm ready and move forward .. LOL. I'm more fearful of not being able to get out again once I am in .. after my XAH and all of that ... seriously gun shy doesn't even describe the fact I would come out with a military grade weapon blazing to make it clear I was done ... razing the ground and all inhabitants is not necessary however in my mind it is since my XAH played such games that I didn't understand at the time and I wound up developing a few of my own. LOL .. I think I have been watching my son play to many video games.
The kids even .. giving them space to grow and boundaries to follow is a big part of their own growth and seeing what has happened with my oldest .. gives me some other ideas in terms of parenting. Less stressful for the kids both. As far as the I keep wanting to say Xwife ... LOL .. the EX's wife ... there are HUGE issues of doing this behavior and as long as it stays away from me my oldest is aware and knows how to handle it. One thing she said to me was "how do we bridge the gap between the kids and their dad" and my response is I don't know how HE is going to do that however it will require a LOT of work between HIM and the kids ... this is nothing I'm doing for HIM .. HE can step up to the plate and do something different. Obviously she's realizing that's not going to happen and is trying to now meddle, manage and manipulate. I told her at the time should you not be here the kids will be heart broken again because their relationship with their dad will be false and what benefit is that to any of them?
So on her .. not my problem.
My oldest has decided to be an art model for school .. oh lord I am having anxiety however .. you know rock it if you got it and it may be good for his body dysforia ... I did mention be aware of your mental health while doing this back in the beginning however now I say I'm proud of you and you just keep doing you. I figure I'm having my kids anxiety for them at the moment .. LOL .. my youngest was there while we were all being informed and his response to me today was .. do you have the ambulance waiting or wait until after the panic attack ... I just said .. honey .. we'll see how it all goes. LOL .. so .. it is what it is.
Anyways, ... I have been wrestling with dizziness, I managed to fumble a cup of coffee on a clothing rack at a store and I have been in the throws of wrestling with spanx .. not impressed and so not fun .. LOL .. I think I just need to go back to bed at the moment. We are headed to a wedding at my work today so we will see how that all goes.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Apr 6, 2018
Sounding pretty healthy to me!
Enjoy that wedding!
andromeda said
Apr 7, 2018
How was the wedding? I hate Spanx, by the way......I swear it was created by a MAN, lol!
SerenityRUS said
Apr 7, 2018
OMGOSH .. wedding was so much FUN!! We did some dancing, eating, socializing, I thought I was totally going to cry during the ceremony, they played a song that I cry at every single time .. she's my co-worker and I am blessed to call her my friend as well.
Spanx was actually the brain child of a woman .. unfortunately .. I do question how in the world that is possible. I was so glad to get home and relax. I have been way more tired than I realize lately because I slept 12 hours, I had 1/2 a beer and so that would not have made me sleep like that .. LOL. I was just exhausted in general.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Apr 7, 2018
Good for you that it was fun AND that you got GOOD sleep! I readily admit - I don't do spanx - never have and never will.....I'd rather wear a loose dress any day than have to squeeze into those 'things'....tried them on one time right after they came out and was like NO WAY!!!! I think hose are confining so you can imagine my 'squirm' factor in those - and they were on/off in a very short period of time!
(((Hugs))) - keep taking care of you - you've had a variety of 'life' events lately girl - I applaud the fun and rest choices...
How I feel or what I should feel because I'm pretty blank at the moment. Emotional lights are on however just not feeling it at the moment. I do know I felt a little shock when my kiddo told me.
My XAH had back surgery last Nov and proceeded to give me the whole diatribe about how he had to have blood work done because there could be something wrong .. umm .. yes .. you have surgery blood work is required before surgery, duh. Of course the not nice part of me thought many not so nice things that I managed not to say that's progress for me .. lol. Although I did manage to ask about life insurance for the kids .. LOL. I know .. bad S .. however seriously .. WTH was that? I will admit I am extremely detached from people who have hurt me I just shut totally down and it's an unfortunate emotional defense. Not interested in addressing it because it helps with court from time to time .. it makes things very business and no emotions. My 4 attorney's have mentioned that it's about the kids, it's about the money and other than that .. just not my problem. I have forgiven him .. I also don't get all mushy or wishy washy about my feeling/s especially when someone has shown me exactly who they are .. I'm sure I have shocked more than one or two people in my life. It is what it is and I look at it from a different view point. Maybe it could be classified with streaks of sociopathic behavior I do have the capacity for guilt, shame and so on, as well as empathy and compassion. I also don't hurt people for fun .. you know for many years I would say 3 after my X started with his stuff .. I don't know if I saw him on fire that I would have bothered to waste pee on him to put it out. Hey at least I might think about it now .. lol .. you know, I'm a work in progress .. lol .. this is a good thing.
Anyway, my oldest got disturbing news last night from the wife (and I keep wanting to say X-wife, I am the XW this one is the current one .. lol), via text because this is TOTALLY information that should NOT be given over text .. dumb asses. The kids dad had been in a car accident. You know I don't wish my X dead .. however I'm ok with him just vanishing because it would uncomplicated much of my life. The other part that bothered me is this text no phone call was made on my youngest's birthday. Now, I checked through some sources in town, I can probably find out through some other sources if he was admitted to the hospital and how long and so on .. shhh .. yes I have my channels. There was nothing on the news this is a relatively small to mid size town so something like this would have been on the news. I can't find the weekly accident report (yup we still have those too), they list DUI"s and the gamete.
I realize that accidents and much of life is not on a convenient time schedule .. seriously .. the day of my youngests birthday .. were they hoping we were all together? Was this to force a phone call between the kids and him? He has to call my phone since he can't behave and not give out the kids number to the Amazon people and so on to track their own gifts .. this happened recently. Yah .. same guy who sent me pictures of his "dying mother" for Father's Day so he could get out of being with his children to celebrate .. and we wound up spending the time at the hospital .. however she was in far better health than he said she was .. it was NOT the same picture. My trust level is a big fat ZERO!! Big time. No one should trust someone who can't be trusted, it's not a right. In speaking with my oldest at lunch I came to the decision not to tell my youngest especially since I have not been notified of what's going on .. he's to keep doing him and not acknowledge that I know. It serves my youngest better not to have the stress after the last BS with the back surgery. Tonight he's having a sleep over and relaxing with his friends. This is just not his worry. Should things actually take a harder turn .. we will have the discussion AFTER I get more information, that would be a LONG 14 hour car ride for everyone.
I told my oldest to just relax and wait, jumping around is not going to change the situation and if anything changes they will get a hold of him with more than a text. That's the crappy part of all of this and the most BS part of it, a text WOW .. I would understand if it were a younger generation .. both of these people are older than me. My oldest and I had a very frank conversation about the fact should their dad die .. the kids would be notified via text if they were notified at all. I am the hardware store in this situation. They are probably right not to reach out if he's not on a ventilator and so on.
Anyway, for today I am going to move past all of this enjoy my youngest and his friends. My oldest lost his wallet last night so I made another trip today to the place we ate last night and retrieved it .. we then went and had a REALLY nice lunch, I had my first mango and sweet sticky rice treat .. OMGOSH .. it was amazing to say the least. We talked about the past, the present and the future, .. lol .. I miss those conversations at times. Over all I would say I have a nice time with the kids .. I only hope they enjoyed it as well.
Hugs S :)
You know today I don't have to worry and for that I am grateful. I will be glad when that is no longer the case. So we will see what happens over the next few days. If nothing changes then I will know that it was a ploy on his part to force a conversation.
I have a mess happening in my kitchen .. LOL .. however well worth it and it all smells amazing I don't cook like this often so this will be a treat. I am missing my oldest as he keeps things going in the kitchen and I appreciate it so much. I am on a good pace to have a very nice linner going by 2pm.
Hugs and HAPPY EASTER regardless of how you celebrate it .. i's a very powerful holiday .. I love the references to the God Eostre and Goddess Easter .. there are so many to pull from though .. always gives me food for fodder.
S :)
I have heard from both of mine and don't think either is stopping by. I'll make 'to-go' packages for them and just enjoy the meal, the nap after and the laid-back day we got going on. We have very cold temps. and snow in the forecast - and that's NOT an April fools joke! Strange day in April in my world for sure.
Enjoy the moment - surrender to what the day brings and just roll with it - that's my plan! One of my gal pals bought a new dress for Easter Service. Needless to say, it's a bit off with the weather we're having so we all got a chuckle out of that. Another passed on her new dress and wore sweater, boots....I've received and sent more than 50 Happy Easter wishes and let the little people know the bunny stopped here with a surprise for them!
Tradition went out the window this year as my aunt did not feel well enough to host 50 people. It's funny to see the reactions from drama to acceptance to something in the middle. I am grateful I have a program so I can just adjust and move forward. (((Hugs)))
I also have a house guest .. love this child however eats NOTHING .. LOL .. I'm like dude .. come on .. I'm not doing pizza for Easter!!!! That was fun to have him here my son is enjoying doing something different .. I still got to make 2 baskets and I'm sure both of them will be puking chocolate and in minor sugar comas by the end of it all. I am laughing to myself. He was so sweet he said I didn't need to do one for him and I said yes, however I wanted to because we always do in our house. Wanna make me happy take the trash out and eat something other than candy .. LOL .. we will be even.
I still have bags of groceries to put away at the moment. I just realized I have to go back to the store .. I'm so not impressed with myself .. LOL!!!
Oh well .. at least nothing is on fire and no dishing are shattering .. my mother did that .. LOL .. she's a great cook so that always scares me .. I am not .. I still to what I can do. Off to the store and then I will be Netflix in the kitchen while I chop.
Hugs S :)
Just wanted to say that I enjoyed the food prep exchange between the two of you (Serenity & IAH). This first year, all the holidays have been really rough for me. Even though Easter was a big deal for me when I was young (was raised Catholic), as an adult, I am not of an organized religion. But I have always celebrated Easter/spring with my son- coloring eggs the night before, waking early to hide them, and either made a big, special dinner, or went over to my mom & dad's house for a great family meal. Spouse was usually depressed/using/unavailable on this day, so don't miss that AT ALL!
I actually apologized to my son yesterday that the "Easter Bunny" won't be visiting our house and we don't have our annual egg hunt - yes, he and I still have fun hiding eggs! And I have no plans to make a special dinner, and my parents just don't do the meals anymore, as my mom is legally blind. He told me, "That's OK, mom. I know how rough it's been for you, and you just finished your big school project presentation, so it's cool!" God love him!!!
Wishing all my MIP family Peace and Light today!
So, I just did what I know how to do...one, acceptance...two, surrender...three, let go...
All the best for a happy and healthy Passover and Easter holiday.
Serenity, my son just told me that my XAH may very well have broken his hand in a biking accident. UGH....I do my best to stay on my side of the street and keep my comments to myself. Then I allow my son the dignity of calmly freaking out, lol!
We just had my bf's family of men over. 3 of them asleep in my family at one time and his one brother can saw some serious logs. I still need to finish cleaning up and I'm hoping to get some book reading in tonight, as well. I am craving some time with a good book. Hugs and Happy Easter to you!
Big hugs, S :)
I'm actually wondering if this was a warning shot fired over the bow because my oldest has been getting assistance financially .. books and some medical bills. I can tell that the texts are def more in line with the emails. At this point I have been well behaved and minding my own business and I will continue to do so. I'm not interested in getting overly involved although pointing out the obvious would feel sooo good and serve no point.
UGH... I had to laugh .. it's interesting to say the least.
I found one accident and if that was him it was not the same as he described to my kiddo so I question everything at this point and time.
So I sit and wait to find out exactly what will transpire over the next couple of weeks I will have more information at that point.
Hugs S :)
I don't like to be sweeping my side of the street -- and looking over at the other side. I don't want to see, find out, inquire, notice, etc., how clean or dirty it is. None of it. It's really not my business -- even if it impacts me. I do what I need to do, keep my head down, drive ahead, and move forward. If someone else is going to impact me, I deal with it when it comes up in front of me. When God puts it in front of me...not before, because I asked my step-daughter, because I asked around, checked things out, etc.
Most recently, education. My step-daughter's mother pays for trivial things -- society membership, notepads, etc. I pay tuition. I pay for room and board, meals, food, spending money, etc. Her mother takes care of other things as well. So, graduate school is paid for, and now something new comes up -- my step-daughter's mother said she would pay. Bill due on April 2. Time goes by. Bill doesn't get paid. Step daughter tells me on Passover. I pay the bill today. Period. No drama. All done.
I could have asked around, find out if the mother had money, if the cable was turned off, could have asked my step-daughter if the cell phones were disconnected, electricity was turned off at home. I could have found out other things which would have given me a heads up that maybe, just maybe I would have to pay the bill. But I didn't!!! I am healthy, I am better. I love who I am. I do work around it every day to get even better and healthier than I am!!!
So, for me, it's to keep the focus on me. I don't let someone else live in my head rent free!!!
My mother has announced that she wants to come visit for a weekend .. God help us all because I'm so totally not interested.
I have to laugh because it was all I could do not to send a very tart message to her best friend and say .. BUTT OUT .. lol .. I am perfectly fine with the distance.
I did type it out however I let it go. It was one more thing on my send is not my friend list.
It's just not the right time at the moment .. oldest is away at school .. youngest is not going to have it .. he reminds her of me so that's a whole other issue of picking at .. my bf doesn't understand the stress that causes me because she is a hard woman to deal with the constant critic. He gets his feelings hurts. Sigh.
Thanks for letting me share .. S :)
I have already put her off for the last year and this summer really is going to be crazy town. I tried to explain that however I keep telling myself it's just a weekend although this is my mother and she will be put out that the world is not revolving around her. My BF will be working as it's the weekend. My kids will be coming and going. I do not want to be alone with my mother as we do not bring out the best in each other. This is actually an improvement from the past.
She's not taking no for an answer this year, and the worst of it is that her BFF is pushing and this woman irritates me because she's of a very codie mindset that involves alcoholic families. I'm trying not to send a hateful email to her. Of this is seriously none of your business type of email and I am trying to hold on to the fact that I am a much nicer person than that .. lol .. although one more thing comes up and I will be asking for her to pay for my therapy.
I'm really just struggling today I think in general because I don't like being informed about something and it's like .. she may come out here and no one has time. That's not going to be on me.
Anyway, .. I am ready for today to be done so I can be home and relaxing .. lol.
Thanks again .. S :)
My oldest did hear from his dad on his birthday and I'm glad about that. However it was exactly what I had thought .. a big manipulation to by pass me to talk to my youngest, that's on him, not my issue. He apparently whined to my oldest about the situation I just did a hard eye roll thankfully we were only texting.
So steps in the right direction .. I left it alone .. meaning I did not send an email blast to him and the wife. I am still baffled by who does that via text .. LOL? Really?? I left the youngest out of it completely. I had asked him if he wanted to talk to his dad and he said absolutely not and when I asked later he ignored my text so that tells me all I need to know .. don't ask .. lol.
There was also the issue of the wife trying to meddle, manage and manipulate the situation and now they realize that's just not going to work. My oldest didn't seem to be to enthralled or impressed by it all and I again left it alone.
I just keep telling myself there is SOOO MUCH the XAH is so unaware of and that's totally OK .. lol. On him and he will figure it out eventually .. I guess today is not the day.
I have decided to stop being so commitment phobic with my BF .. he's a work in progress no different than me and I can take the total package it's a matter of can I accept things where they are and I am ok with that. NO MARRIAGE on the forefront for me although he would jump if I indicated I was ready .. I am not. He's got some things that for me are marriage deal breakers happening and he's got to figure out on his own what he wants to do. I was at least able to do a joint budget which is a HUGE deal .. LOL .. we will be so much better off going forward and it's just time to start thinking smart financially as a couple. I like where it is going.
Hormones have decided to get right this month and I'm taking advantage of it .. lol .. at least I made it through without feeling like a psycho however I can do without the nausea .. ugh .. this work day was the pits big time. I have put down 2 Sprites and at least don't feel as bad just .. yuck .. I was suppose to see my oldest tonight however I am going to put it off until Sunday.
Hugs S :)
It's been years and I think of my exAH's wife as the ex so funny and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who does this.
My sister is going through a very, very difficult time right now. There is a very tragic, very serious situation going on. My dad has resumed some communications with her. My mother has not. I have been there for her, and because of the situation, I've had to spend more time around her. It hasn't been easy. My primary motive is to be there for her. I've had to say to certain requests -- ones that aren't a necessity, but more of a luxury for her -- and while she's lost her temper about it, so be it. But for the most part, I've been there for her. What I've found is that having to spend more time around her, which isn't easy due to the person she is, has been OK. I've been more tolerable of her. I've allowed my compassion to be the driving factor. All of this, and I still don't like the person she is.
I've had some mixed feelings about this. While I have some strong awareness around certain things, there are a few aspects of this where I just don't know how I feel. And, I am OK with that. It's OK to not know how I feel, to have two different extreme feelings, to be confused, or whatever. I don't have to be definitive, and truly have complete and total clarity around what I am feeling.
One day at a time.
I had this idea (good, but a bit warped) that because I was related by blood to 'certain people' that their circus was my circus and their monkeys were also my monkeys. It was my sponsor who gently kept suggesting this thinking is 'not so'. I can support, embrace and show concern/empathy for those in my life without jumping into their hula-hoop. I can also love them from across the street and stay detached from the swirling chaos in their lives. It was really, really hard for me to learn all this yet as with all things, practice and then more practice has helped.
Keep doing you - it looks so awesome on you...Happy Friday!
You sound good, Serenity!
Glad to hear that you put up a boundary (concerning your ex's wife), and that it is working. Also sounds like you were able to speak your mind, and able to do it in a concise way regarding your mom. Good for you!
I am also glad that you are pretty much comfortable with your status with the BF... I would think that getting married again would be tough after your last marriage... you'll know when and if it is right. One of the best parts about this program, is that we become empowered..."we" can sit in a relationship and not feel the pressure of conforming to the ideas of society, our extended family's beliefs, even our SO's opinion. We learn that it is OK for things to be on our timeline!
Hope you have a smooth, peaceful weekend!
IAM made me realize I have no interest in renting the circus or the monkey's ... LOL .. so not interested. When I first came to alanon and someone told me my marriage was none of my business I was soooo mad ... and of course when my X started getting "counseling" he threw that one out a LOT .. which ok .. I was totally hands off .. not a good way to save a marriage however it saved my sanity.
I understand it better now .. there's a difference between being excluded and included ... my BF is very inclusive with me and I am move exclusive if that makes any sense. No .. I am not interested in marriage .. if my perfect partner was placed before me I would scream as if I was on fire and run as fast as I could the other direction. Thankfully my BF is able to roll with it and let me do me in terms of allowing me to have those moments and just sit back and wait for rational behavior to return .. and I remember I'm not actually on fire. He was very surprised .. however that's what I do .. I just kind of go .. ok .. I'm ready and move forward .. LOL. I'm more fearful of not being able to get out again once I am in .. after my XAH and all of that ... seriously gun shy doesn't even describe the fact I would come out with a military grade weapon blazing to make it clear I was done ... razing the ground and all inhabitants is not necessary however in my mind it is since my XAH played such games that I didn't understand at the time and I wound up developing a few of my own. LOL .. I think I have been watching my son play to many video games.
The kids even .. giving them space to grow and boundaries to follow is a big part of their own growth and seeing what has happened with my oldest .. gives me some other ideas in terms of parenting. Less stressful for the kids both. As far as the I keep wanting to say Xwife ... LOL .. the EX's wife ... there are HUGE issues of doing this behavior and as long as it stays away from me my oldest is aware and knows how to handle it. One thing she said to me was "how do we bridge the gap between the kids and their dad" and my response is I don't know how HE is going to do that however it will require a LOT of work between HIM and the kids ... this is nothing I'm doing for HIM .. HE can step up to the plate and do something different. Obviously she's realizing that's not going to happen and is trying to now meddle, manage and manipulate. I told her at the time should you not be here the kids will be heart broken again because their relationship with their dad will be false and what benefit is that to any of them?
So on her .. not my problem.
My oldest has decided to be an art model for school .. oh lord I am having anxiety however .. you know rock it if you got it and it may be good for his body dysforia ... I did mention be aware of your mental health while doing this back in the beginning however now I say I'm proud of you and you just keep doing you. I figure I'm having my kids anxiety for them at the moment .. LOL .. my youngest was there while we were all being informed and his response to me today was .. do you have the ambulance waiting or wait until after the panic attack ... I just said .. honey .. we'll see how it all goes. LOL .. so .. it is what it is.
Anyways, ... I have been wrestling with dizziness, I managed to fumble a cup of coffee on a clothing rack at a store and I have been in the throws of wrestling with spanx .. not impressed and so not fun .. LOL .. I think I just need to go back to bed at the moment. We are headed to a wedding at my work today so we will see how that all goes.
Hugs S :)
Enjoy that wedding!
Spanx was actually the brain child of a woman .. unfortunately .. I do question how in the world that is possible. I was so glad to get home and relax. I have been way more tired than I realize lately because I slept 12 hours, I had 1/2 a beer and so that would not have made me sleep like that .. LOL. I was just exhausted in general.
Hugs S :)
(((Hugs))) - keep taking care of you - you've had a variety of 'life' events lately girl - I applaud the fun and rest choices...