Spouse so sexually and emotionally abusive /sober now /Will forgive and forget
MerryLee said
Mar 27, 2018
Has this happened to someone else. Your spouse actually sexually abusing you and the emotional part was horrible. He has stepped away from t his type of behavior now .. I keep waiting for a I am sorry. Not heard it yet.. I get something like well i shouldnt have done it but you had made me so mad... I knew that was the easy way back at you. Three months into sobriety... I have night mare about some of his drunked actions towards me Can I forgive... Will he ever think he needs to asks for my forgiveness.
WestMan said
Mar 27, 2018
Hi Merry Lee. I'm very sorry to hear you've had to endure this type of abuse. I would encourage you to remember that none of this was your fault. You say he's stopped this now but unless he's in a program, has a sponsor and support network with a long period of sober time then you are still in danger as long as you stay with him. I urge you to contact the domestic abuse hotline or a local organization that helps women in these situations. Then find an al-anon meeting.
Freetime said
Mar 27, 2018
Merry Lee, I am so sorry this happened to you and that you have nightmares about it. In Al-Anon we don't usually give advice unless there is violence/abuse. That's why I feel comfortable giving you this advice: I hope you will get in touch with a Domestic Violence agency so you can make plans for your own safety. He has not taken responsibility for his actions, so chances are it might happen again.
It's not a matter of forgiving/forgetting -- What's important is healing yourself and keeping yourself safe. Speaking for myself, I got out of that relationship. I never got an apology... some people are not capable of that. And I realize now I shouldn't have tried to just manage it myself. I found a therapist very helpful in getting relief from the trauma, and only wish I had done that sooner. I am long past that now, and my life is great. I learned there was help available for me if I would reach out for it.
Iamhere said
Mar 28, 2018
Merry Lee - welcome to MIP....glad you found us and glad that you shared. In Al-Anon, we work on our own recovery from the affects of living with alcoholism/an alcoholic. We suggest others attend meetings and consider a program of recovery for self and try to not give advice. The exception to this is when abuse is involved. We then typically suggest you make sure you are doing all that you can to keep yourself safe.
I am sorry for what you've gone through and can relate to the intense pain you feel. This disease is powerful and relentless and far-reaching. I do encourage you to seek out local meetings and attend Al-Anon no matter what your person is/is not doing. There is hope and help for all in recovery!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 28, 2018
Hugs ML,
I also hope you will follow through not just on alanon however outside resources as well .. it is so important to heal. I have come to try and accept the apology I have not received and totally deserve. It doesn't minimize what happened to me during the abuse I have gone through however it did free me to allow good things into my life. Things I did not believe I deserved.
Keep coming back it really does get better.
S :)
Bo said
Mar 28, 2018
MerryLee -- I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. You are going to hear "go to meetings" and "keep coming back" and many other things. For me, when it comes to "abuse" I am very bottom line, plain, simple, clear, and concise. This is not an "official" Al-Anon forum, and the "material" presented here is not Conference Approved Literature.
That said, it is great, in my opinion, that you are seeking our help. That is a great first step. More importantly -- my bottom line that I referred to -- do whatever you have to do to be safe. Make sure you are safe. If that involves calling the police, leaving, contacting a shelter, calling domestic violence, whatever. Please, please, please stay safe. You should not be a victim of any abuse. None! Don't think about forgiveness! Think about, focus on, and just stay safe. I wish you only the best.
MeTwo2 said
Mar 29, 2018
Merry lee .. if you click on your log in name at top.of screen page it should take you to messages. If you click on any one of.our names it should open a message box to message us. Feel free to message me too if you want or need extra support .. not advice. Sorry you are going thru this. There are online meetings here which are good both mornings and nights. Hope you'll consider trying a few.
Has this happened to someone else. Your spouse actually sexually abusing you and the emotional part was horrible. He has stepped away from t his type of behavior now .. I keep waiting for a I am sorry. Not heard it yet.. I get something like well i shouldnt have done it but you had made me so mad... I knew that was the easy way back at you. Three months into sobriety... I have night mare about some of his drunked actions towards me Can I forgive... Will he ever think he needs to asks for my forgiveness.
Hi Merry Lee. I'm very sorry to hear you've had to endure this type of abuse. I would encourage you to remember that none of this was your fault. You say he's stopped this now but unless he's in a program, has a sponsor and support network with a long period of sober time then you are still in danger as long as you stay with him. I urge you to contact the domestic abuse hotline or a local organization that helps women in these situations. Then find an al-anon meeting.
It's not a matter of forgiving/forgetting -- What's important is healing yourself and keeping yourself safe. Speaking for myself, I got out of that relationship. I never got an apology... some people are not capable of that. And I realize now I shouldn't have tried to just manage it myself. I found a therapist very helpful in getting relief from the trauma, and only wish I had done that sooner. I am long past that now, and my life is great. I learned there was help available for me if I would reach out for it.
I am sorry for what you've gone through and can relate to the intense pain you feel. This disease is powerful and relentless and far-reaching. I do encourage you to seek out local meetings and attend Al-Anon no matter what your person is/is not doing. There is hope and help for all in recovery!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
I also hope you will follow through not just on alanon however outside resources as well .. it is so important to heal. I have come to try and accept the apology I have not received and totally deserve. It doesn't minimize what happened to me during the abuse I have gone through however it did free me to allow good things into my life. Things I did not believe I deserved.
Keep coming back it really does get better.
S :)
That said, it is great, in my opinion, that you are seeking our help. That is a great first step. More importantly -- my bottom line that I referred to -- do whatever you have to do to be safe. Make sure you are safe. If that involves calling the police, leaving, contacting a shelter, calling domestic violence, whatever. Please, please, please stay safe. You should not be a victim of any abuse. None! Don't think about forgiveness! Think about, focus on, and just stay safe. I wish you only the best.