How do I start this. I am finding having my own space so wonderful, peaceful, liberating. No-one to monitor me, tell me what to do, to please. I have been trying to process my feelings lately and its been so confusing. The new man I am dating said some things that really disturbed me. One is you talk to much, your bossy and controlling, and you gossip, and you do not need to go to those groups, including seeing my therapist and psychiatrist as I have severe PTSD. I have never has anyone be so straight up with me about me before Well this man is very quite, and does not say a lot! It drives me nuts as I like to have discussions, talk and debate things, not just say a word! I find he is tuned out, glued to his cell phone, all day and night. He comes to my home and spend a few days with me and then leaves. I do all the cooking and he does help me with basic cleaning like sweep the floor, make the bed and the rest of the time he is glues to his cell phone, laying on the couch. Lazy men, drives me completely nuts! He is not working at this time either and keeps saying he is waiting on a call from work! This has been over a month now since I met him and he has not worked yet. I find as well, his words and actions are not consistent and he is very unfocused. He says he makes no plans and just goes with the flow. Its like he is living in dream land! He has no structure and consistency! Maybe I am making a judgement call, but to me his behaviors are like an active alcoholic and yes he does drink but he is able to manage it and knows when he needs to stop! All I know is when he leaves my home, its like a relief, a huge relief! I am feeling confused as his behaviors remind me of the ex-alcoholic, two personalty, withdrawn and quite, leave me alone, when he is sober and talkative, happy, focused on me when he is drinking! I guess this black and white behavior should be familiar to me and I should know its alcoholism and not try and figure it out, rather just let him be and I focus on me and let the outcome be, either we continue to date or we do not! Lately my feelings have to stop dating him and to start distancing myself from him! Then there is the other part that wants to be with him! I feel so confused! I am fed up with chasing unavailable people, trying to engage them! I have to remember, they are tuned out, not present, and go and live my life and surround myself with people that want my presence, that want to hear my voice, my opinions, that support and value me!
I am seeing the red flags and that is a huge improvement me! I guess I am having second thoughts about continuing to date this man! I mean, when I am with him, it feels good but, I just find he is not present and that bothers me. I read the messages on line here and his behaviors appear to be that of an alcoholic and that is why I feel crazy! it makes sense! I have to get back to detaching, focusing on me, putting me first. I have to remember, its all about me and my best interest! Me first, me first!
Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 27, 2018
I'm not a big advocate of dating so soon after a long term relationship. It was a LONG time before i got involved for me it was a kid issue. I think I lived so long having limited emotional crumbs that when there were more crumbs I thought I felt full in my mind that was a banquet and i still wasn't asking for an equal share .. however I just hadn't done enough work on myself to know what I wanted at the table I was sitting at .. I knew I wanted more than crumbs .. I wanted a full feast with someone who was willing to share it. My dating experience was a hoot lol and I enjoyed it to a point I guess. There were key phrases I heard and I knew .. this person is fun for a date or two however .. I knew it wasn't going further lol. Tone it down .. you're to loud .. you need to change this or that .. Nope nope nope .. IF I chose to change that's between me and my higher power .. whomever I'm seeing is not my higher power. I value my independence as well as my female friendships and there is some attitude I'm getting from my Sig other and he needs to figure it out. Those are things I won't give up again. I don't go out every weekend .. he works nights 7 days a week .. his choice .. so no I'm not twiddling my thumbs watching life pass me by because of his choices. He's not liking that. That's his stuff not mine .. if I'm willing to accept someone where they are at the pluses and minuses .. I expect the same in return .. no one is perfect someone who loves me and values me is going to love all of me and I will do the same. I hope you find your answers and continue to work on you. You are worth it. Hugs s :)
Lyne said
Mar 27, 2018
Joker-hi-all I can say is listen to your gut. You see red flags. What else do you need? I guess ask HP for guidance, Lyne :)
Stan1 said
Mar 27, 2018
Hello Joker and Serenity and thank you for your ESH on relationships. I have still work on balancing my good qualities and those that need some improvement. So for me, if I want advice I ask for it. To be fair I believe in giving others the same respect as I appreciate myself. Progress not Perfection.
Jerry F said
Mar 27, 2018
Aloha Joker..welcome back and thanks for posting of what it was like for me also. I never gave up my right and ability to make my own decisions especially regarding who I listened to and what I did with what I heard...Sometimes I got good stuff to consider and other times I got reasons to take more time with what I was doing specially with other people. My problem was with relationships which is daily consideration today...progress not perfection and all the other wisdom of recovery. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Mar 27, 2018
Good to see you Joker....I am one who tries real hard to let relationships unfold over time. I'm a bit 'old school' and believe everybody is on their best behavior when new. Time shows more about self and others always and when more is revealed, I do my best to align with the program - keep the focus on me, my needs, etc. If it's meant to be, it will be and if not, not.
Keep coming back!!
Bo said
Mar 28, 2018
Thank you for posting -- for me, it is always great to hear someone making progress, finding their own space, peace, and so forth. It's what I strived for, for so many years. As I've heard in the opening of so many meetings I've been to..."you can find contentment, even happiness" (whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not). While that may apply to people who still live with or still have an alcoholic in their lives, in their home, etc. -- to me, it is about the contentment and happiness. It is about YOU, me, US, as that what alanon is about. It is our program, about our recovery. I have a different perspective on this, as it relates to me. One, I look at me. This is about me. Why am I picking these types of people, why am I attracted to these types of people, and so on. And, two, why am I staying? Why am I doing this? Why, why, why?
I have always viewed this as an opportunity to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror. After I was separated, then divorced, and started "dating" again -- I found myself at the "my picker is broken" phase. I heard that the alcoholic was attracted to me. I heard that I was attracted to the alcoholic. I found myself mistaking "passion" for "excitement" and "drama" -- and I had to work on that. I have heard in meetings, some people say "My picker is broken" -- and they talk about why and how they "pick" who they pick to date, be in a relationship with, etc. To me, that's focusing on yourself. I like that. I am happy to say that other than my AEXW, I have been in a few relationships, and only one was unhealthy, toxic, etc. I had awareness, saw red flags -- and you are right -- I think that's tremendous progress.
With all the work I did, both in the rooms and out, I found there were some steps that always helped me -- I talked to my sponsor, yes, I slowed down, my thoughts and my actions, I focused on me, just for today and one day at a time were big parts of my thinking, attitude, way of living, and most of all, I constantly did a gut check every single day, and checked with my sponsor....to make sure I was not accepting unacceptable behavior. No, that was not going to happen. I don't compromise or sacrifice on that. Period. For me, I know who I am. I live my life with clarity, focus, purpose, intention, and compassion. I know what I bring to the table. I look for others to bring certain things to the table. If they don't, I move on. If they do, I can stay. I don't settle on who I am involved with, dating, etc. I don't compare something bad to something worse to make it sound or feel better. I don't compare something that is fair to something worse to make it sound or feel good or better. My life has entered the last half of the race. I live each day and make it count. I live life to the fullest. I work hard and play hard and relax hard, LOL.
That being the case, absolutely, I have wondered why I "ended up with" or dated the alcoholic, addict, dysfunctional, and so on. That's about me. That went on for 5 years or so. The last 5 years, opposite -- healthy, quality, grounded, responsible, integrity, etc., people. What changed? Me, looking at and working on me. Thanks again for the post joker.
WestMan said
Mar 28, 2018
Great share Joker. Seems you have much to be proud of. Progress! Although it's a bummer that this guy turned out to be so unavailable how much worse would it be if you didn't see the truth for a few more years. You're an inspiration.
el-cee said
Mar 29, 2018
Good for you for getting your freedom from the chaos of living an active drinker. I spent a few years alone after I left my ex and though I didn't deliberately intend that it was actually really good for me. I got to know me based on my own observations of me and through working alanon i really got to know me in a kind of braver way so i could see my shortcoming like my self pity or martyrdom so really if anyone else said to me your full of self pity I would have been like yes ok and What? Because no one can know me like I know me. So others view of me have no emotional impact if you know what I mean. Anyway what I'm saying is. You've just got out of a relationship that sounded really traumatic you might need time for healing otherwise your using the same faulty thinking that got yourself into the first relationship that was painful for you. So how you going to end up with someone healthy? In my experience it's only when you get healthier yourself.
How do I start this. I am finding having my own space so wonderful, peaceful, liberating. No-one to monitor me, tell me what to do, to please. I have been trying to process my feelings lately and its been so confusing. The new man I am dating said some things that really disturbed me. One is you talk to much, your bossy and controlling, and you gossip, and you do not need to go to those groups, including seeing my therapist and psychiatrist as I have severe PTSD. I have never has anyone be so straight up with me about me before Well this man is very quite, and does not say a lot! It drives me nuts as I like to have discussions, talk and debate things, not just say a word! I find he is tuned out, glued to his cell phone, all day and night. He comes to my home and spend a few days with me and then leaves. I do all the cooking and he does help me with basic cleaning like sweep the floor, make the bed and the rest of the time he is glues to his cell phone, laying on the couch. Lazy men, drives me completely nuts! He is not working at this time either and keeps saying he is waiting on a call from work! This has been over a month now since I met him and he has not worked yet. I find as well, his words and actions are not consistent and he is very unfocused. He says he makes no plans and just goes with the flow. Its like he is living in dream land! He has no structure and consistency! Maybe I am making a judgement call, but to me his behaviors are like an active alcoholic and yes he does drink but he is able to manage it and knows when he needs to stop! All I know is when he leaves my home, its like a relief, a huge relief! I am feeling confused as his behaviors remind me of the ex-alcoholic, two personalty, withdrawn and quite, leave me alone, when he is sober and talkative, happy, focused on me when he is drinking! I guess this black and white behavior should be familiar to me and I should know its alcoholism and not try and figure it out, rather just let him be and I focus on me and let the outcome be, either we continue to date or we do not! Lately my feelings have to stop dating him and to start distancing myself from him! Then there is the other part that wants to be with him! I feel so confused! I am fed up with chasing unavailable people, trying to engage them! I have to remember, they are tuned out, not present, and go and live my life and surround myself with people that want my presence, that want to hear my voice, my opinions, that support and value me!
I am seeing the red flags and that is a huge improvement me! I guess I am having second thoughts about continuing to date this man! I mean, when I am with him, it feels good but, I just find he is not present and that bothers me. I read the messages on line here and his behaviors appear to be that of an alcoholic and that is why I feel crazy! it makes sense! I have to get back to detaching, focusing on me, putting me first. I have to remember, its all about me and my best interest! Me first, me first!
Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations!
Aloha Joker..welcome back and thanks for posting of what it was like for me also. I never gave up my right and ability to make my own decisions especially regarding who I listened to and what I did with what I heard...Sometimes I got good stuff to consider and other times I got reasons to take more time with what I was doing specially with other people. My problem was with relationships which is daily consideration today...progress not perfection and all the other wisdom of recovery. ((((Hugs))))
Keep coming back!!
I have always viewed this as an opportunity to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror. After I was separated, then divorced, and started "dating" again -- I found myself at the "my picker is broken" phase. I heard that the alcoholic was attracted to me. I heard that I was attracted to the alcoholic. I found myself mistaking "passion" for "excitement" and "drama" -- and I had to work on that. I have heard in meetings, some people say "My picker is broken" -- and they talk about why and how they "pick" who they pick to date, be in a relationship with, etc. To me, that's focusing on yourself. I like that. I am happy to say that other than my AEXW, I have been in a few relationships, and only one was unhealthy, toxic, etc. I had awareness, saw red flags -- and you are right -- I think that's tremendous progress.
With all the work I did, both in the rooms and out, I found there were some steps that always helped me -- I talked to my sponsor, yes, I slowed down, my thoughts and my actions, I focused on me, just for today and one day at a time were big parts of my thinking, attitude, way of living, and most of all, I constantly did a gut check every single day, and checked with my sponsor....to make sure I was not accepting unacceptable behavior. No, that was not going to happen. I don't compromise or sacrifice on that. Period. For me, I know who I am. I live my life with clarity, focus, purpose, intention, and compassion. I know what I bring to the table. I look for others to bring certain things to the table. If they don't, I move on. If they do, I can stay. I don't settle on who I am involved with, dating, etc. I don't compare something bad to something worse to make it sound or feel better. I don't compare something that is fair to something worse to make it sound or feel good or better. My life has entered the last half of the race. I live each day and make it count. I live life to the fullest. I work hard and play hard and relax hard, LOL.
That being the case, absolutely, I have wondered why I "ended up with" or dated the alcoholic, addict, dysfunctional, and so on. That's about me. That went on for 5 years or so. The last 5 years, opposite -- healthy, quality, grounded, responsible, integrity, etc., people. What changed? Me, looking at and working on me. Thanks again for the post joker.