Wow, it feels ridiculously selfish to be saying this. I met my wife 6 years ago and we bonded quickly. We were two women enjoying life. We traveled, went to wineries, and brew pubs, and were making friends. We were having fun. We married on the day it became legal and for the first time in my life I couldnt wait to be with my significant other. Then I began noticing she was drinking by herself and sneaking day drinks, She quit her job and was drunk a lot. One day, I came home from work, and she told me she had been to rehab before and wanted to go again. We had her there that night. I was so proud of her for realizing she had a problem and have been supportive. She took it seriously and after rehab went into a sober living program. All told, she was gone 3 months. Oh how I missed her. It has been hard for her, but she is doing it. She is involved in AA and has been sober 2 years now. I am proud of her but no longer look forward to being around her. It turns out, we have nothing in common now that we arent going out. The few friends we had made would be toxic for her, and my old friends are part of my old life with my ex husband. My wife has gained a lot of weight and began smoking in rehab. (I think she has replaced alcohol with food and cigs). She takes care of her infant grandson and has never returned to work. I am not attracted to this new version of her. We tried finding new interests to share but have gotten nowhere. I feel like the person I fell in love with is gone or worse, never even existed. I was celebrating coming out, and my new found freedom as a single person when we met. (I had been married to a man for over 20 years). I am not a quitter, but dont feel like I got into this mess with eyes wide open.
I dont want her to start drinking again, but I am frustrated that she is an alcoholic and we had to give up that part of our lives. I attended Al anon for months but never felt like it clicked. Ive gone to many open AA meetings and events and we have a new, small group of friends from AA. I am the adult child of an alcoholic, but no one else in my family (including my mom) ever drank and I gave up any contact with my AF (now deceased) over 30 years ago.
I feel lost and alone.
-- Edited by GBwashere on Sunday 25th of March 2018 10:40:19 AM
-- Edited by GBwashere on Sunday 25th of March 2018 10:53:14 AM
-- Edited by GBwashere on Sunday 25th of March 2018 10:55:29 AM
Jill said
Mar 25, 2018
Welcome GB
I find this to be a judgement-free zone. You don't have to feel selfish with what you say here.
I know for me that attending AlAnon meetings and reading AlAnon focused words helped me find me again. It is so very difficult, challenging, and maybe impossible living with their disease. We become twisted.
In many communities there are several AlAnon meetings. If you don't feel right with one group, I encourage you to check out others until you find a home group. There is help.
Finding grace said
Mar 25, 2018
Hi GB, welcome! Sorry for what has brought you here, I agree that I don't think you will find judgement here. Many have been (or are) where you are. When I first discovered Al Anon years ago, I didn't find the right group for me, and also wasn't ready to learn the program, if I am honest. I just wanted to fix my husband.
I relate to your post, although my AH and I have been married a long time, honestly we have little in common. They say opposites attract, and I guess that's true, but it can be so difficult. Things have been especially difficult recently, so came back to Al Anon, but this time for me
I am learning to focus on myself, and slowly but surely it is helping me.
I hope you will keep coming back! I think it is great that you reached out so honestly!
GBwashere said
Mar 25, 2018
Thanks for the welcome. I may try Al anon again. There are three groups in my area that meet when Im not at work. I had tried each of them for several weeks. Its been awhile, maybe I will see something more in it this time. I definitely need to do something since I am ready to walk out. Although, the more I focus on taking care of me the more likely I am to just leave the marriage since there is nothing here for me....except the beautiful little grand baby who lives with us. I am madly and deeply in love w him and will have no legal right to him when I leave. I stayed in my first marriage for 20+ years out of a misguided sense of not wanting to fail. Maybe I should learn from experience and just get out now.
GBwashere said
Mar 25, 2018
Thanks. I may try again. I just dont feel like I lived with her alcoholism long enough to have been twisted up by it. Whats messing with my sanity is the way things are now.
Iamhere said
Mar 25, 2018
I too send you a warm welcome - judgement free! This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and devastating and destructive. I am sorry that you are a bit lost and lonely - it does make sense to me. I am another who did not relate with the first group I attended in Al-Anon. I felt way more comfortable with my second group and called it my home for a long while.
What I know today as a result of working a recovery program is that when I am disturbed by what's going on around me, there is something within me that is unsettled. It can be a zillion different things, so I have no magical solution or suggestion for what you are feeling but just know that so long as I am looking outside myself for joy, it never works out well. Al-Anon gave me the tools to look at me and focus on me and to put me first to better know me and how I react to other people, places and things. My AH and I also have more differences than common interests. Yet, we connect and stay connected through what's common and active listening on what's not.
All relationships take hard work and the disease just adds another layer of complexity. I hope you'll reconsider Al-Anon, and consider recovery for you! Keep coming back.
Aline said
Mar 25, 2018
Hi, GB, welcome. I can tell you I have been through feeling kind of like I never really saw who my ex-abf was for years and years and do I really know him. I think for me I understand I've always kind of known just who he is but I had worked hard to deny many of the bad things about him for a long time. It was painful to feel my real feelings and attitudes so I stuffed them. Very unhealthy... Take what you like and leave the rest. Keep coming back, there's tons of support in this program!
Jerry F said
Mar 25, 2018
Aloha GB and welcome to the family and I didn't like your post because it reminded me too much of myself when I first got to the rooms of Al-Anon in 1979. Don't be sad about me not liking your post. You are just one of many from inside the program I didn't like and I didn't like because I didn't understand and coming to understand meant I would have to do a ton of ME work; self focusing and inventorying and comparing my reality with what the sane members were thinking, feeling and doing.
I also had an attitude of "I want what I want when I want it" and attempted to have life that way which I have never seen work.
Unhappy? I was the poster boy for unhappy....soooo sick that most of my decisions would keep me that way.
It took a long while and then I got there slowly and surely. I found happiness in the rooms of Al-Anon without having to have anyone else responsible for it and I gave up trying to control people, places and things when I found my Higher Power and would rely upon my HP's guidance and that of my sponsor to help me one day at a time.
You know where the meetings are at. Attend just one day at a time and keep coming back to let us know how things are going on with you. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Mar 26, 2018
Welcome...from my experience, I have many times heard that a spouse, child, parent, whoever, when the alcoholic/addict in their life finds sobriety and recovery -- they don't like that person, who they are, etc. I too was proud and happy that my wife "stopped drinking" initially. However, she still had the 'ism's -- the behavior. My sponsor told me she was struggling, every single day, just to not drink. He suggested I be patient, and I be there for her, support her, and also stay out of her way. He suggested more as well.
She was not behaving well, not good in social situations, not good in general. She was agitated, short-fused, on edge. I didn't look forward to being around her. It triggered anxiety and to some extent fear in me. I felt that if I could "keep her happy" and "in a better mood" -- then, there was less possibility she would drink again/relapse. We stopped going out, she didn't want to be around people, socialize, and she was still staying in touch with some people who even she agreed were "toxic" and "not healthy" for her. She started smoking and eating massive amounts of food -- and developed some disgusting habits. She had no desire to work, do anything around the house, even take care of herself, except for the minimum.
After a while, what I came to understand is, once again, JUST FOR TODAY...I had to have acceptance. Recovery is a journey. It is fluid, organic in progress and regress, it ebbs and flows, it changes. That was my experience. One of my closest friends, after his wife found recovery, never really liked who she became as a person. She was not pleasant to be around. He chose to adapt, and find a way to make a new life with his wife, initially bearable, and then to whatever extent he could find, peaceful. He did more things with his friends, started golfing more, they vacationed less, and eventually, they found a place where they could both be "OK" and relatively "happy" with the new life they built and found. Each case is different.
Keep coming back. Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor and start focusing on and working on YOU. One day at a time. All the best.
Wow, it feels ridiculously selfish to be saying this. I met my wife 6 years ago and we bonded quickly. We were two women enjoying life. We traveled, went to wineries, and brew pubs, and were making friends. We were having fun. We married on the day it became legal and for the first time in my life I couldnt wait to be with my significant other. Then I began noticing she was drinking by herself and sneaking day drinks, She quit her job and was drunk a lot. One day, I came home from work, and she told me she had been to rehab before and wanted to go again. We had her there that night. I was so proud of her for realizing she had a problem and have been supportive. She took it seriously and after rehab went into a sober living program. All told, she was gone 3 months. Oh how I missed her. It has been hard for her, but she is doing it. She is involved in AA and has been sober 2 years now. I am proud of her but no longer look forward to being around her. It turns out, we have nothing in common now that we arent going out. The few friends we had made would be toxic for her, and my old friends are part of my old life with my ex husband. My wife has gained a lot of weight and began smoking in rehab. (I think she has replaced alcohol with food and cigs). She takes care of her infant grandson and has never returned to work. I am not attracted to this new version of her. We tried finding new interests to share but have gotten nowhere. I feel like the person I fell in love with is gone or worse, never even existed. I was celebrating coming out, and my new found freedom as a single person when we met. (I had been married to a man for over 20 years). I am not a quitter, but dont feel like I got into this mess with eyes wide open.
I dont want her to start drinking again, but I am frustrated that she is an alcoholic and we had to give up that part of our lives. I attended Al anon for months but never felt like it clicked. Ive gone to many open AA meetings and events and we have a new, small group of friends from AA. I am the adult child of an alcoholic, but no one else in my family (including my mom) ever drank and I gave up any contact with my AF (now deceased) over 30 years ago.
I feel lost and alone.
-- Edited by GBwashere on Sunday 25th of March 2018 10:40:19 AM
-- Edited by GBwashere on Sunday 25th of March 2018 10:53:14 AM
-- Edited by GBwashere on Sunday 25th of March 2018 10:55:29 AM
I find this to be a judgement-free zone. You don't have to feel selfish with what you say here.
I know for me that attending AlAnon meetings and reading AlAnon focused words helped me find me again. It is so very difficult, challenging, and maybe impossible living with their disease. We become twisted.
In many communities there are several AlAnon meetings. If you don't feel right with one group, I encourage you to check out others until you find a home group. There is help.
I relate to your post, although my AH and I have been married a long time, honestly we have little in common. They say opposites attract, and I guess that's true, but it can be so difficult. Things have been especially difficult recently, so came back to Al Anon, but this time for me
I am learning to focus on myself, and slowly but surely it is helping me.
I hope you will keep coming back! I think it is great that you reached out so honestly!
Thanks. I may try again. I just dont feel like I lived with her alcoholism long enough to have been twisted up by it. Whats messing with my sanity is the way things are now.
What I know today as a result of working a recovery program is that when I am disturbed by what's going on around me, there is something within me that is unsettled. It can be a zillion different things, so I have no magical solution or suggestion for what you are feeling but just know that so long as I am looking outside myself for joy, it never works out well. Al-Anon gave me the tools to look at me and focus on me and to put me first to better know me and how I react to other people, places and things. My AH and I also have more differences than common interests. Yet, we connect and stay connected through what's common and active listening on what's not.
All relationships take hard work and the disease just adds another layer of complexity. I hope you'll reconsider Al-Anon, and consider recovery for you! Keep coming back.
Aloha GB and welcome to the family and I didn't like your post because it reminded me too much of myself when I first got to the rooms of Al-Anon in 1979. Don't be sad about me not liking your post. You are just one of many from inside the program I didn't like and I didn't like because I didn't understand and coming to understand meant I would have to do a ton of ME work; self focusing and inventorying and comparing my reality with what the sane members were thinking, feeling and doing.
I also had an attitude of "I want what I want when I want it" and attempted to have life that way which I have never seen work.
Unhappy? I was the poster boy for unhappy....soooo sick that most of my decisions would keep me that way.
It took a long while and then I got there slowly and surely. I found happiness in the rooms of Al-Anon without having to have anyone else responsible for it and I gave up trying to control people, places and things when I found my Higher Power and would rely upon my HP's guidance and that of my sponsor to help me one day at a time.
You know where the meetings are at. Attend just one day at a time and keep coming back to let us know how things are going on with you. ((((hugs))))
She was not behaving well, not good in social situations, not good in general. She was agitated, short-fused, on edge. I didn't look forward to being around her. It triggered anxiety and to some extent fear in me. I felt that if I could "keep her happy" and "in a better mood" -- then, there was less possibility she would drink again/relapse. We stopped going out, she didn't want to be around people, socialize, and she was still staying in touch with some people who even she agreed were "toxic" and "not healthy" for her. She started smoking and eating massive amounts of food -- and developed some disgusting habits. She had no desire to work, do anything around the house, even take care of herself, except for the minimum.
After a while, what I came to understand is, once again, JUST FOR TODAY...I had to have acceptance. Recovery is a journey. It is fluid, organic in progress and regress, it ebbs and flows, it changes. That was my experience. One of my closest friends, after his wife found recovery, never really liked who she became as a person. She was not pleasant to be around. He chose to adapt, and find a way to make a new life with his wife, initially bearable, and then to whatever extent he could find, peaceful. He did more things with his friends, started golfing more, they vacationed less, and eventually, they found a place where they could both be "OK" and relatively "happy" with the new life they built and found. Each case is different.
Keep coming back. Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor and start focusing on and working on YOU. One day at a time. All the best.