Its been a while since Ive been on this forum. I have been working with my AS for over year recovering from a liver transplant. Things were going really well after the transplant. She had been sober for a while and because she was so sick I was her caregiver. Perfect arrangement for someone like me who has codependency issues and her needing somebody to always take care of her. But I digress. So heres the situation now. Things have been going really really well for the most part. Ive had little inklings here and there where I feel that she hadnt respected me as much as she does others, but then she would say if it werent for me, shed be dead and shes so grateful. Some of the underpinning things I kind of pushed aside, thinking that were growing and changing and because of that theres gonna be some growing pains. But for the most part things were like it was when we first got together. And the last couple of weeks things started turning south where I started seeing patterns again from when she was drinking. First of all it started off with her not helping paying for stuff around the house. Now we are saving up for a trip for Easter and some of that got sidelined for this until the summer which is fine by me. But then shes been putting off getting a name change so we can get passports for a trip this summer (during this time we got married). So in the last two weeks she hasnt been helping paying for bills where as before she was willing to do it and she would give me money upfront and then she would say well you havent told me that you needed money even though I said it three times. Now she is doing this thing where shes projecting, so today I come downstairs and I accidentally hit her not meaning to I bumped into her and she got pissed off at me like right away. But she then projected it on me and said I was the one getting pissed off. I apologized profusely because I felt bad and then she was getting pissed off because I accidentally hit her . So this all transpired around the time when we were getting ready to leave. And it caught me by surprise. So of course I said when she was starting to try this argument that gets us nowhere and got us nowhere in the past I happened to mention it. Said this was the kind of arguments we had when you were drinking. Big mistake. As you can tell I havent been working my program like I should be. So she goes off, starta throwing things and saying youre so angry and yelling at me. And I said Im not the one screaming you need to stop. Which of course she walks out the door saying Im walking to work! well were in the middle of a snowstorm right now so that seems a little silly. So I told her give me a minute Ill be outside and then Ill take you to work. All this time weve been only down to one car and she refuses to go look for cars or put money down for a car. Now I seem to know why because it is another way for her to control me where as before she was just making it out to be a financial issue. Keep in mind shes not paying for any of the bills for the house: no mortgage, no car, no insurance, no utilities. And she makes more money than I do at my job and I work two jobs in order to pay for all the household needs. So shes walking to work and it is snowing outside pretty badly which I couldnt find her and she refused to pick up her phone and tell me where she was. Again classic drunk behavior, but she is not drinking now. She finally answers her phone, says I only have 20% battery so I cant be on my phone and hangs up. And I know that shes walking because shes huffing and puffing making a big deal about the fact that shes walking. So I have to go around the neighborhood and try to figure out where she is, pick her up, and take her to work. All the while shes making this big scene Im not getting in the car if youre angry. While yelling at me. So overdramatic! She finally gets in the car, and then I take her to work even though she keeps insisting that I just drop her off at the corner. Keep in mind this is not a good neighborhood in which she works, so of course Im not going to do that. All the while shes make me late to a rehearsal.
OK so after that whole vent im back to square one or as we say, step one:I am powerless over this disease. She refuses to go to AA meetings even though that was a prerequisite for her to get her liver. She was supposed to go post surgery and they made an exception for her because she was literally dying. Theres some loophole in the state where if a patient is actively dying and theyve been sober for about six months and they can approve it on case by case situations. So now she has her liver and her life back, yada yada yada. She isnt working her program at all, has no use for the program at all. All she complains about is the people who are there whine and complain that they are tempted to get a drink. And she said I cant relate to any of that so why even bother going. She has no idea that her behaviors and what shes exhibiting is the veryproblem. She doesnt see that her projection and her manipulation and her lying is the root cause of this disease- this is what started it all. Of course Im at step one- Im back to where I started where Im helpless. Im completely helpless and drained. I have done nothing but work two jobs to try to keep up this household and take care of a sick person for two years. I have been taking care of a sick person even longer than that, including myself. I just recovered from a major surgery a few months ago and Im finally back on my feet because of that. Im drained. I know I need to go back to my one on one meetings, but I frankly dont have any time in my schedule. I work six days a week and I get one day off if Im lucky- some weeks I dont even get a day off. And then to go home on top of all of this and have to take care of Her and the household and she decided to buy a dog even though I didnt want one and now Im taking care of that too. And on top of everything else I just want to walk away from all of this right now. Ive dealt with this for 15 years- Im over it. For some odd reason when things in recovery were looking really really good I was thinking hey this was the cure on top of working a program in working all the steps and everything. And I thought getting a new liver would help change a lot of that. But I was so wrong. And now I feel like I have no hope in sight because at least with the alcoholism there was an excuse even though she never admitted that she was an alcoholic until she stop drinking. But now she stopped drinking but she still has the mind of an alcoholic. But she says shes a recovered alcoholic now. I just dont know how to cope anymore. I know most of this post is a rant, I just needed to get it off my chest. Through this post I realize what I need to work on, and Im also just mad at myself for allowing myself to be snookered into all of this without seeing it for what it really was. I really dont understand this disease and it angers me. Im just mad at myself mostly for being a sucker and everything. Thanks for reading my rant.
Lyne said
Mar 24, 2018
Welcome back gabigail-I also live with a dry drunk and understand your situation. When I had taken the last drinking and driving episode as a chance to say I'm not living this way, she agreed to see an addiction counselor with and without me. Things are improved but not as I would like/expect. She will not get alcohol treatment. My sponsor has taught me not to have expectations. I work at this daily. Step 1 is the beginning of the lessons I am learning, and practicing over and over again. Program keeps me sane and focused on myself. I like myself a whole lot better and have much better self-esteem. All I can say is keep coming back, Lyne
Jerry F said
Mar 24, 2018
Aloha Gabigail and welcome back. Try reading your post as if someone else had written it and see what thoughts and feelings and insights you come up with. That was a good trick my sponsor use to suggest to me when I was living the disease with my own alcoholic addict.
The first step has two parts to it "....and that my life had become unmanageable". That second part made me ill and justified my self grief. Why was I so addicted to my alcoholic/addict that I willingly offered my peace of mind and serenity to her disease? The answer came in the cunning, powerful and baffling description of alcoholism. It wasn't that I couldn't stop my addiction process it was that I WOULDN'T stop it...That realization caused me to redouble my efforts in Al-Anon and make the changes I wasn't making at that time.
I have no excuses against getting into and working this program. The outcomes are my own.
We have a slogan, "When anyone, any where reaches out for help; I want the hand of Al-Anon to always be there....and for that I am responsible. Keep on keeping on Gabi. (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Mar 25, 2018
Early on in recovery -- my recovery -- when my AW was a "dry drunk" and not in recovery (not going to meetings, not working with a sponsor, not trying to get better and live a healthy life, etc.), my life was just as bad as it was when she was drinking. She still had ALL of the 'ism's -- anger, resentment, impatience, belligerence, short-fuse, blame, agitation, and so much more. Instead of passing out, drunk, she would be awake, on edge, and doing whatever unhealthy things she needed and wanted to do simply to not drink at that moment. It was struggle. It never worked in the end, but that's another story. However, she still had the mind, thinking, mindset, behavior, and everything else, of an alcoholic. Why? Because she was one. And not one in recovery. Hence, the difference between a dry drunk and an alcoholic who is in recovery. This was my experience.
So, I let her do what she wanted to do. I started with complete and unconditional acceptance. I "surrendered" -- and while that sounds like a negative word, it is not. I surrendered to all of my desire and needs -- to control her and her behavior, to fix her and her drinking, to get her to stop drinking, to get into recovery and go to meetings, to help her get on a path of health and well being, everything. I surrendered and thus had to stop all of those efforts. I then learned to detach, both physically and emotionally. I also established and put forth boundaries. Lastly, I let go. While this is somewhat oversimplifying all of the work I did, I focused on me and the changes I needed to make. I worked with my sponsor, daily. I lived my life, one day at a time. Just for today. Sometimes one minute at a time.
I started to get better. I found recovery. And, she didn't. But I started to feel better, and live again. So now I am better and she is not. She is still a dry drunk. However, my life was no longer bad. Not at all. My life got better. Much better. She ultimately decided how she wanted to live her life -- no meetings, recovery, etc. And, I decided how I wanted to live my life. I chose recovery. I worked my program.
Hey everyone,
Its been a while since Ive been on this forum. I have been working with my AS for over year recovering from a liver transplant. Things were going really well after the transplant. She had been sober for a while and because she was so sick I was her caregiver. Perfect arrangement for someone like me who has codependency issues and her needing somebody to always take care of her. But I digress. So heres the situation now. Things have been going really really well for the most part. Ive had little inklings here and there where I feel that she hadnt respected me as much as she does others, but then she would say if it werent for me, shed be dead and shes so grateful. Some of the underpinning things I kind of pushed aside, thinking that were growing and changing and because of that theres gonna be some growing pains. But for the most part things were like it was when we first got together. And the last couple of weeks things started turning south where I started seeing patterns again from when she was drinking. First of all it started off with her not helping paying for stuff around the house. Now we are saving up for a trip for Easter and some of that got sidelined for this until the summer which is fine by me. But then shes been putting off getting a name change so we can get passports for a trip this summer (during this time we got married). So in the last two weeks she hasnt been helping paying for bills where as before she was willing to do it and she would give me money upfront and then she would say well you havent told me that you needed money even though I said it three times. Now she is doing this thing where shes projecting, so today I come downstairs and I accidentally hit her not meaning to I bumped into her and she got pissed off at me like right away. But she then projected it on me and said I was the one getting pissed off. I apologized profusely because I felt bad and then she was getting pissed off because I accidentally hit her . So this all transpired around the time when we were getting ready to leave. And it caught me by surprise. So of course I said when she was starting to try this argument that gets us nowhere and got us nowhere in the past I happened to mention it. Said this was the kind of arguments we had when you were drinking. Big mistake. As you can tell I havent been working my program like I should be. So she goes off, starta throwing things and saying youre so angry and yelling at me. And I said Im not the one screaming you need to stop. Which of course she walks out the door saying Im walking to work! well were in the middle of a snowstorm right now so that seems a little silly. So I told her give me a minute Ill be outside and then Ill take you to work. All this time weve been only down to one car and she refuses to go look for cars or put money down for a car. Now I seem to know why because it is another way for her to control me where as before she was just making it out to be a financial issue. Keep in mind shes not paying for any of the bills for the house: no mortgage, no car, no insurance, no utilities. And she makes more money than I do at my job and I work two jobs in order to pay for all the household needs. So shes walking to work and it is snowing outside pretty badly which I couldnt find her and she refused to pick up her phone and tell me where she was. Again classic drunk behavior, but she is not drinking now. She finally answers her phone, says I only have 20% battery so I cant be on my phone and hangs up. And I know that shes walking because shes huffing and puffing making a big deal about the fact that shes walking. So I have to go around the neighborhood and try to figure out where she is, pick her up, and take her to work. All the while shes making this big scene Im not getting in the car if youre angry. While yelling at me. So overdramatic! She finally gets in the car, and then I take her to work even though she keeps insisting that I just drop her off at the corner. Keep in mind this is not a good neighborhood in which she works, so of course Im not going to do that. All the while shes make me late to a rehearsal.
OK so after that whole vent im back to square one or as we say, step one:I am powerless over this disease. She refuses to go to AA meetings even though that was a prerequisite for her to get her liver. She was supposed to go post surgery and they made an exception for her because she was literally dying. Theres some loophole in the state where if a patient is actively dying and theyve been sober for about six months and they can approve it on case by case situations. So now she has her liver and her life back, yada yada yada. She isnt working her program at all, has no use for the program at all. All she complains about is the people who are there whine and complain that they are tempted to get a drink. And she said I cant relate to any of that so why even bother going. She has no idea that her behaviors and what shes exhibiting is the veryproblem. She doesnt see that her projection and her manipulation and her lying is the root cause of this disease- this is what started it all. Of course Im at step one- Im back to where I started where Im helpless. Im completely helpless and drained. I have done nothing but work two jobs to try to keep up this household and take care of a sick person for two years. I have been taking care of a sick person even longer than that, including myself. I just recovered from a major surgery a few months ago and Im finally back on my feet because of that. Im drained. I know I need to go back to my one on one meetings, but I frankly dont have any time in my schedule. I work six days a week and I get one day off if Im lucky- some weeks I dont even get a day off. And then to go home on top of all of this and have to take care of Her and the household and she decided to buy a dog even though I didnt want one and now Im taking care of that too. And on top of everything else I just want to walk away from all of this right now. Ive dealt with this for 15 years- Im over it. For some odd reason when things in recovery were looking really really good I was thinking hey this was the cure on top of working a program in working all the steps and everything. And I thought getting a new liver would help change a lot of that. But I was so wrong. And now I feel like I have no hope in sight because at least with the alcoholism there was an excuse even though she never admitted that she was an alcoholic until she stop drinking. But now she stopped drinking but she still has the mind of an alcoholic. But she says shes a recovered alcoholic now. I just dont know how to cope anymore. I know most of this post is a rant, I just needed to get it off my chest. Through this post I realize what I need to work on, and Im also just mad at myself for allowing myself to be snookered into all of this without seeing it for what it really was. I really dont understand this disease and it angers me. Im just mad at myself mostly for being a sucker and everything. Thanks for reading my rant.
Aloha Gabigail and welcome back. Try reading your post as if someone else had written it and see what thoughts and feelings and insights you come up with. That was a good trick my sponsor use to suggest to me when I was living the disease with my own alcoholic addict.
The first step has two parts to it "....and that my life had become unmanageable". That second part made me ill and justified my self grief. Why was I so addicted to my alcoholic/addict that I willingly offered my peace of mind and serenity to her disease? The answer came in the cunning, powerful and baffling description of alcoholism. It wasn't that I couldn't stop my addiction process it was that I WOULDN'T stop it...That realization caused me to redouble my efforts in Al-Anon and make the changes I wasn't making at that time.
I have no excuses against getting into and working this program. The outcomes are my own.
We have a slogan, "When anyone, any where reaches out for help; I want the hand of Al-Anon to always be there....and for that I am responsible. Keep on keeping on Gabi. (((((hugs)))))
So, I let her do what she wanted to do. I started with complete and unconditional acceptance. I "surrendered" -- and while that sounds like a negative word, it is not. I surrendered to all of my desire and needs -- to control her and her behavior, to fix her and her drinking, to get her to stop drinking, to get into recovery and go to meetings, to help her get on a path of health and well being, everything. I surrendered and thus had to stop all of those efforts. I then learned to detach, both physically and emotionally. I also established and put forth boundaries. Lastly, I let go. While this is somewhat oversimplifying all of the work I did, I focused on me and the changes I needed to make. I worked with my sponsor, daily. I lived my life, one day at a time. Just for today. Sometimes one minute at a time.
I started to get better. I found recovery. And, she didn't. But I started to feel better, and live again. So now I am better and she is not. She is still a dry drunk. However, my life was no longer bad. Not at all. My life got better. Much better. She ultimately decided how she wanted to live her life -- no meetings, recovery, etc. And, I decided how I wanted to live my life. I chose recovery. I worked my program.
Good luck. All the best.