Hello people. 12 years in a relationship with an 8 year marriage, a 7 year old son, a 4 year old daughter. Iāve decided I cannot take anymore. But it never dawned on me my husband has a drinking problem after all these years until NOW. I feel like my whole time with him is a blur. Im not sure how it took 12 years to get here but better now than neverā¤ļø Granted I remember the first night I hung out with him as friends, he passed out drunk in the bed. We started dating he hid bottles of vodka. He got a DUI. Then on our honeymoon on even the first night he went to the bar in the lobby left his wife alone in the room THE FIRST NIGHT OF OUR HONEYMOON and probably each night after that. He had a seizure and went to the hospital and came home and drank after an ambulance ride an IVās in his arm. Man the list continues. Something has never been ārightā in our relationship. As a matter of fact. I have always felt super lonely. Super insecure. But in that meantime I was also raising babies so guess I felt needed. I felt depressed but needed. So i didnt focus much on our marital problems. This is also the first year I learned about narcissist and alcoholism. Heās always dismissed my feelings, even if I flat out begged for love, it seemed impossible for him to ever actually love mex. So many pointless arguments that were my fault. Im drama, i make ***t up. Even me saying im going to leave he keeps saying Im going to need him financially and i have nobody. Everyday he reminds me why Im moving forward. Today I asked him if heād please just attend alanon mesting to see for himself if he has a problem. He actually agreed but heās like Iāll never ever take drinking all the way out of my life, how boring.š¤Æ Then it made me not want to put in the effort again. I love him enough to at least try to help him see. But Iām still out that front door either way. Even if he was sober and begged and pleaded Id say āNo Im Not Staying!ā I will never trust this man with my heart again EVER. He doesnāt beg me to stay but he tries to scare me, like i cant live without him. He says its my choice to divorce so I cant be the victim too. But every now and again and very very rarely Iāll get a gesture or heāll say something nice and it breakd me because I always saw a good man in there. I just never got him, everyone else did but not me. Ive always been lonely. Im tired of the rage, lies, barrating, instability, im tired of hiding in the room and eating. Im just tired. My poor babies always hearing us argue. I just feel like ive failed in so many ways. Im slowly cleaning my wounds though. I can envision such a more peaceful life ahead of me and that life doesnāt involve the envision I falsely put on this sad soul that will never be able to fully appreciate life and what being mindful is.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 20th of March 2018 10:05:39 PM
hotrod said
Mar 20, 2018
Welcome Charalyn I can readliy identify with your painful experience within your marriage. You are not alone. Please do continue to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It was here that i was given new tools to live by, support from like minded members and found my self esteem restored. You are not alone please do keep coming back
Iamhere said
Mar 21, 2018
I too send a welcome to you Charalyn. Glad you found MIP and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive, powerful disease and is never cured, only arrested through recovery and abstinence. We (family and friends) find support, help and hope in Al-Anon and the alcoholic can find support through AA or other recovery type programs.
Denial is a huge part of the disease - in them and in us. I too am sorry for the pain, chaos and drama the disease has brought to your home/life. I can so relate, and tried everything/anything to fix things. It was not within my abilities and increased my own insanity. I did find support, tools and help in recovery and hope you'll find/attend some Al-Anon meetings for you.
I also hope you keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
Lyne said
Mar 21, 2018
I also welcome you to the alanon message board! Half of what you wrote applies to my marriage as well. It took me 12 years to "see" the alcohol problem and then a number of years more to try and fix things. I was told I was crazy and I got sick myself. Always felt alone! Nevertheless, the good news, is that being in this program has taught me how to take care of myself. I am a work in progress. And in almost 5 years now, I feel much better, stronger, and have improved self-esteem. My spouse got sober about 10 months ago, yet not in specific alcohol treatment. You never know what can happen. I hope you will continue to reach out in alanon and find help for yourself, Lyne
Desert queen said
Mar 21, 2018
Iām feeling your pain Setmyselffree as what you wrote is exactly my life. I donāt know why itās taken so long to pin point the problem. It only took me to move to the other side of the world, away from all family and friends to realise H has a problem which is deeply affecting me and my 2 young children. We moved to a country where they donāt drink alcohol and I thought it would be too hard to get hold of alcohol but itās completely opposite. He drinks straight whisky like water and hides bottles (then blames my 3 year old son when I find them), he drinks in the mornings on weekends then tries to drive the kids places.
Itās such a lonely life. Iām sick of being so angry and sad as the kids pick up on it.
As soon as the kids go to bed, I go straight into my room.
My H was sitting on the Lounge after having a few beers after work the other night and my kids are saying daddy daddy and he couldnāt even register they were here which was heart breaking, so I took them to bed and we read a story. Next thing I hear the car drive off and he went missing for 16 hours. He went straight to the bottle shop and bought whisky (as I looked up our credit card statement and know the price of his whiskey).
When he finally called me, he was drunk, driving and very aggressive. He didnāt see any problem with it what he did.
Sorry for going off on a tangent. I just want you to know youāre not alone.
Iamhere said
Mar 21, 2018
Welcome to MIP Desert Queen - glad you found us and glad that you shared.....keep coming back - there is hope and help in Al-Anon.
andromeda said
Mar 21, 2018
Welcome to MIP. Your story sounds very familiar to mine. It took me a long time to gather up the strength to leave and program was my foundation for giving me the courage to open my eyes to see what I was living in and how I could make positive changes for myself. You are not alone. There are so many similarities in our stories, but I think that's the case for many of us here. I don't regret my time in my marriage, it was 20 years, but I do wish I had more self confidence and more esteem so that I could have pushed back, held my ground, and stood up to him. He was and still is a bully......but it's in my past and I will forever be grateful for the lessons I have learned. Hang in there and keep coming back!
Jerry F said
Mar 21, 2018
Aloha Charalyn and Desert Queen and welcome again to Miracles in Progress. I suggest that you both find and attend face to face Al-Anon meetings and attend steadily for a while so that you get the information and experiences of those who have come before you. We all have similar problems when we first show up and listening to those who have been here before us gives us a wealth of Experience, Strength and Hope so in time we can make better choices. The better choices idea was huge for me because I didn't know what alcoholism was, what it sounded like or how to spell it and yet I was born and raised in this disease. My relationships were with alcoholic and addict women until after I had much time in Al-Anon learning why I did the choices I had. I learned how to change it and me and now have a really sane and serene and happy life.
Please keep coming back and sharing with us what is going on with you and what changes you need. Jump back into the past posts here and read more from others.
Hello people. 12 years in a relationship with an 8 year marriage, a 7 year old son, a 4 year old daughter. Iāve decided I cannot take anymore. But it never dawned on me my husband has a drinking problem after all these years until NOW. I feel like my whole time with him is a blur. Im not sure how it took 12 years to get here but better now than neverā¤ļø Granted I remember the first night I hung out with him as friends, he passed out drunk in the bed. We started dating he hid bottles of vodka. He got a DUI. Then on our honeymoon on even the first night he went to the bar in the lobby left his wife alone in the room THE FIRST NIGHT OF OUR HONEYMOON and probably each night after that. He had a seizure and went to the hospital and came home and drank after an ambulance ride an IVās in his arm. Man the list continues. Something has never been ārightā in our relationship. As a matter of fact. I have always felt super lonely. Super insecure. But in that meantime I was also raising babies so guess I felt needed. I felt depressed but needed. So i didnt focus much on our marital problems. This is also the first year I learned about narcissist and alcoholism. Heās always dismissed my feelings, even if I flat out begged for love, it seemed impossible for him to ever actually love mex. So many pointless arguments that were my fault. Im drama, i make ***t up. Even me saying im going to leave he keeps saying Im going to need him financially and i have nobody. Everyday he reminds me why Im moving forward. Today I asked him if heād please just attend alanon mesting to see for himself if he has a problem. He actually agreed but heās like Iāll never ever take drinking all the way out of my life, how boring.š¤Æ Then it made me not want to put in the effort again. I love him enough to at least try to help him see. But Iām still out that front door either way. Even if he was sober and begged and pleaded Id say āNo Im Not Staying!ā I will never trust this man with my heart again EVER. He doesnāt beg me to stay but he tries to scare me, like i cant live without him. He says its my choice to divorce so I cant be the victim too. But every now and again and very very rarely Iāll get a gesture or heāll say something nice and it breakd me because I always saw a good man in there. I just never got him, everyone else did but not me. Ive always been lonely. Im tired of the rage, lies, barrating, instability, im tired of hiding in the room and eating. Im just tired. My poor babies always hearing us argue. I just feel like ive failed in so many ways. Im slowly cleaning my wounds though. I can envision such a more peaceful life ahead of me and that life doesnāt involve the envision I falsely put on this sad soul that will never be able to fully appreciate life and what being mindful is.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 20th of March 2018 10:05:39 PM
Welcome Charalyn I can readliy identify with your painful experience within your marriage. You are not alone. Please do continue to search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It was here that i was given new tools to live by, support from like minded members and found my self esteem restored. You are not alone please do keep coming back
Denial is a huge part of the disease - in them and in us. I too am sorry for the pain, chaos and drama the disease has brought to your home/life. I can so relate, and tried everything/anything to fix things. It was not within my abilities and increased my own insanity. I did find support, tools and help in recovery and hope you'll find/attend some Al-Anon meetings for you.
I also hope you keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery.
Aloha Charalyn and Desert Queen and welcome again to Miracles in Progress. I suggest that you both find and attend face to face Al-Anon meetings and attend steadily for a while so that you get the information and experiences of those who have come before you. We all have similar problems when we first show up and listening to those who have been here before us gives us a wealth of Experience, Strength and Hope so in time we can make better choices. The better choices idea was huge for me because I didn't know what alcoholism was, what it sounded like or how to spell it and yet I was born and raised in this disease. My relationships were with alcoholic and addict women until after I had much time in Al-Anon learning why I did the choices I had. I learned how to change it and me and now have a really sane and serene and happy life.
Please keep coming back and sharing with us what is going on with you and what changes you need. Jump back into the past posts here and read more from others.
(((((hugs)))))