Is keeping a child from entering the foster system ENABLING?
BeccaW97 said
Mar 19, 2018
Hi there, I'm new to Al-Anon. I have a dear friend whose daughter has been struggling with addiction for many years. This daughter is very manipulative and cannot be trusted to tell the truth. She refuses to live with my friend since she has finally set some boundaries for her self and her home so the daughter has been bouncing from couch to couch and has been recently living on the streets. The problem is that she has a 6 year old son who she is dragging along with her. She called my friend this evening and explained that one of the people who let her stay on the couch called Child Protective Services on her and accused her of prostitution among other things. CPS found her living at an extended stay motel with a man we don't know and forced her to take a urine drug test. She could not provide enough urine so the CPS Officer told her to go to the office tomorrow to provide a better sample. She wants my friend to drive to her location. An hour and a half away in the rain at night to take the boy to keep him out of the system. My friend has vision problems and called me to see if I could drive her. I feel that this just might be the wake up call her daughter needs. I know it will be scary for a while but foster is not permanent and if the daughter gets her act together and she can get custody of her son back. I need some advice. Is taking the boy enabling the daughter? Is it even legal? How can I help my friend with her feelings of guilt after letting her grandson be taken from her daughter?
DavidG said
Mar 19, 2018
Hi...
when I was 8 I was asked to go to the health room and wait for the nurse to see me.
I am still waiting. If she had come- i might have ended up in the state care system. At the time it would have traumatised me even more than my family home.
Nowadays? Maybe 50-50...
being with family, in my view is the best option, if family can provide a safe loving place. ...
Bo said
Mar 19, 2018
My experience -- and I have a great deal of experience, professionally, with CPS, in a variety of states -- is that once they get involved, the case/situation takes on a life of its own; and it is outside the control of all interested parties, even the healthy, quality ones. While the child is certainly not in a good situation with this parent, I can't speak to the alternatives -- and hopefully there are alternatives other than CPS and the parent.
All the best.
Iamhere said
Mar 19, 2018
Welcome to MIP. I believe that the 'system' varies from state to state. We had a young relative enter the system as his mother was not able to provide. This happened twice - in two states, as we border another state and she's lived in both.
In both cases, the first point of contact is family. They will offer the child to a family/relative and the relative has to follow their process. In both cases here, it was the best outcome possible for the child as the mother would 'show up' out of the blue and want to take off again with him. Once the agencies are involved, they are to track the child and the welfare of the child.
The final outcome is that the father was released from prison, petitioned the state for custody and was considered the better parent. The young relative now lives in another state with his father and his family provides family support. I am a believer in allowing natural consequences to happen. In one of the two, the child was able to live with his aunt who became certified as a foster provider. In the other state, he went to live with a family who were really good to him.
My oldest son at 16 was deemed uncontrollable in our home, and placed in state custody. We (parents) and he (child) had to go through a rigid process to be reunited. There is a ton of accountability involved, and it was a wake up call for us all. I personally would not engage in this type of scenario without formal engagement of some authority. I could never forgive myself if the daughter changed her mind tomorrow, took off with the child and worse happened...
Keep coming back - your first post is worrisome - I am sending positive thoughts and prayers to all involved.
Maresie said
Mar 19, 2018
I know many people whose children went into foster care it is a real steep curve to get them back.
For me these days it is all.about my limits I went way way way beyond my limits before. I think when we get I go over with an addict/alcoholic we take on th e responsibility. Last night I saw a woman I know who certainly has alcoholism. It has taken her to many lows. In the past I went out of my way to help her . These days I don't but I do listen and I Don't give advice
I no longer feel guilty when I say #no#
.Another neighbor of mine has a daughter in rehab. He is consumed with her and it outs him way over the edge
I was certainly #consumed# now I have empathy but I don't feel that it is my onk y mission to save them.
el-cee said
Mar 20, 2018
I feel it is enabling. It's such a hard one because the consequences are not just the mothers. I suppose the facts are the daughter hasn't provided the child with stability and he may be in a vulnerable position with her so someone stable needs to take him. A family member he knows would be better in terms of he might feel more familiar and comfortable and still part of his family. It would probably allow contact with his mother. The mother may feel that she still has the child in her life and continue with no consequences safe to continue her disease knowing her son is ok with family and she may delude herself with I will get him back soon. If he goes into care she gets a reality check. It's a true consequence but there's no guarantee a partucular consequence will be the one to trigger recovery but most folks in recovery felt enough pressure on them. So so difficult and I have a friend going through it right now. Selfish and self centred disease right enough.
Jerry F said
Mar 20, 2018
I have some experience with this and first of all I consider enabling something good and healthy to happen not a crime. In Al-Anon I learned more positive and healthy methods of enabling to happen as a therapist for a out/in patient teen and family recovery program. Foster care if considered and used can work and still the most important part of the whole effort was the plan which had to be reasonable and also work. Like recovery those involved needed commitment to the plan for as long as the plan was to be involved including the recovery program and professionals. I shy away from ideas of keeping the patient away from certain help until it is determined that the help was not very necessary. Very often the courts were involved. Foster care required court monitoring until the program was certified as done and successful.
In any case for me it was all enabling something much better to happen than what was happening now. Much of my counseling focused on the consequences for the kids. The people I worked with were the same.
Be patient and go slow. Help the kids do their part in the plan. (((((hugs)))))
Hi there, I'm new to Al-Anon. I have a dear friend whose daughter has been struggling with addiction for many years. This daughter is very manipulative and cannot be trusted to tell the truth. She refuses to live with my friend since she has finally set some boundaries for her self and her home so the daughter has been bouncing from couch to couch and has been recently living on the streets. The problem is that she has a 6 year old son who she is dragging along with her. She called my friend this evening and explained that one of the people who let her stay on the couch called Child Protective Services on her and accused her of prostitution among other things. CPS found her living at an extended stay motel with a man we don't know and forced her to take a urine drug test. She could not provide enough urine so the CPS Officer told her to go to the office tomorrow to provide a better sample. She wants my friend to drive to her location. An hour and a half away in the rain at night to take the boy to keep him out of the system. My friend has vision problems and called me to see if I could drive her. I feel that this just might be the wake up call her daughter needs. I know it will be scary for a while but foster is not permanent and if the daughter gets her act together and she can get custody of her son back. I need some advice. Is taking the boy enabling the daughter? Is it even legal? How can I help my friend with her feelings of guilt after letting her grandson be taken from her daughter?
Hi...
when I was 8 I was asked to go to the health room and wait for the nurse to see me.
I am still waiting. If she had come- i might have ended up in the state care system. At the time it would have traumatised me even more than my family home.
Nowadays? Maybe 50-50...
being with family, in my view is the best option, if family can provide a safe loving place.
...
All the best.
In both cases, the first point of contact is family. They will offer the child to a family/relative and the relative has to follow their process. In both cases here, it was the best outcome possible for the child as the mother would 'show up' out of the blue and want to take off again with him. Once the agencies are involved, they are to track the child and the welfare of the child.
The final outcome is that the father was released from prison, petitioned the state for custody and was considered the better parent. The young relative now lives in another state with his father and his family provides family support. I am a believer in allowing natural consequences to happen. In one of the two, the child was able to live with his aunt who became certified as a foster provider. In the other state, he went to live with a family who were really good to him.
My oldest son at 16 was deemed uncontrollable in our home, and placed in state custody. We (parents) and he (child) had to go through a rigid process to be reunited. There is a ton of accountability involved, and it was a wake up call for us all. I personally would not engage in this type of scenario without formal engagement of some authority. I could never forgive myself if the daughter changed her mind tomorrow, took off with the child and worse happened...
Keep coming back - your first post is worrisome - I am sending positive thoughts and prayers to all involved.
I know many people whose children went into foster care it is a real steep curve to get them back.
For me these days it is all.about my limits I went way way way beyond my limits before. I think when we get I go over with an addict/alcoholic we take on th e responsibility. Last night I saw a woman I know who certainly has alcoholism. It has taken her to many lows. In the past I went out of my way to help her . These days I don't but I do listen and I Don't give advice
I no longer feel guilty when I say #no#
.Another neighbor of mine has a daughter in rehab. He is consumed with her and it outs him way over the edge
I was certainly #consumed# now I have empathy but I don't feel that it is my onk y mission to save them.
I have some experience with this and first of all I consider enabling something good and healthy to happen not a crime. In Al-Anon I learned more positive and healthy methods of enabling to happen as a therapist for a out/in patient teen and family recovery program. Foster care if considered and used can work and still the most important part of the whole effort was the plan which had to be reasonable and also work. Like recovery those involved needed commitment to the plan for as long as the plan was to be involved including the recovery program and professionals. I shy away from ideas of keeping the patient away from certain help until it is determined that the help was not very necessary. Very often the courts were involved. Foster care required court monitoring until the program was certified as done and successful.
In any case for me it was all enabling something much better to happen than what was happening now. Much of my counseling focused on the consequences for the kids. The people I worked with were the same.
Be patient and go slow. Help the kids do their part in the plan. (((((hugs)))))