Yup. 1 year ago today, I came back on this site. I could not remember my old screen-name, so I created a new one. I knew what I needed... but I was still driven insane. Insane from his lies, deceptions, gas-lighting. But also insane from my constant state of trying to "fix" him. "Fix" our marriage. Keeping up appearances. Hiding the worst of this from our Kid. Handling it all... a job, the household duties, the school activities, the band-booster duties, the pets, finances, getting Kid to college. At one point, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I was stretched THAT thin!

Thank God for Al-Anon and MIP! In the months that followed, my AH did not get better with the acknowledgement of his drinking. No, he in fact stumbled farther down the rabbit hole, trying to drag me and his son along with him! But because of Al-Anon, I was able to begin to detach. Sadly, it was detachment with anger. I was just SO DAMN ANGRY that he allowed addiction back into all our lives! As I was working Steps 1-3 and posting here and going to F2F meetings, I tried to understand him. Well, that was just a waste of time. But despite what everyone in program was telling me, I just had to know more about the "why's" of this disease. I know some of you may disagree with me... I have heard it before - "It does not matter 'why." Which when it came to MY needs, and MY health, it was certainly true. BUT - and this is a huge but for me - it REALLY DOES MATTER to be informed on how this disease works. That it is a progressive disease... that unless the qualifier chooses to voluntarily stop and do the work required to stay clean, nothing... and I do mean nothing you do will help them. No amount of love, support, money, rehabs etc. It all begins at the level of the individual! So I learned to watch and interpret ACTIONS, not words. I learned how alcohol will affect my qualifier's brain - because not everything he did was done intentionally to hurt me. This led to some level of empathy... or perhaps pity, really. It was a step that I wished I would've done with the first dance of ours with his meth addiction. Yes, the rehab "worked." Yes, I did improve myself with Al-Anon... but I did not learn enough about addiction. If I had, I wouldn't have allowed my husband to stop going to meetings, to stop calling his sponsor, to stop working his program. I would've known that was the beginning of some other addiction.

Wait! Stop, you say. But you can't CONTROL him! Yes. I know. However, my boundary for myself (that I expressed in no uncertain terms to hubby when I allowed him back into the house & marriage 7 years ago) was that if I had to sink so low as to go on public assistance again due to his addiction, I was done. What I know NOW, is that wasn't the right boundary for me. If I had known more about addiction at that time, I would've said that if I am to continue a marriage with someone touched by addiction, they will need to be someone who CONSTANTLY works their program. No excuses. No lies. I would've also been stronger with myself... meaning I would've worked harder on not allowing my denial to drive my thoughts and actions! 

I am proud to say that I did stay true to MY original boundary. Once the alcohol use had gotten to the point that it was affecting everything, he lost his job. Right then and there I was done. But I tried to stay supportive by giving him the month to figure out a long-term plan to get back to sobriety. It never happened while I was there. It actually took him 2 months (after Kid and I left) of hard-core drinking until he finally called his family and asked for help. Honestly, we were all surprised he did not kill himself from all that. But the take-away for me was that I wished I didn't have to go through the last 7 years. Too many lies, deceptions, financial blunders/debts due to his drinking, etc. As well as too much emotional heartache for all of us - especially my son.

Today I feel strong. I no longer cry everyday. Sure, there are moments that come up... but mostly they are "woe is me" moments when the financial burdens I am left with cause me to feel anger towards my STBXRAH. Today, I allow myself to feel those feelings, but understand it does not help me to wallow in them. Due to this program, I am able to transcend my feelings of anger and betrayal. I have actually been friendly with him on the phone. That is SO important when you are trying to to co-parent. Luckily, our kid is almost a legal adult... so I do not have to deal with many of the "kid issues" that so many here have to. Small blessings. 

I am still working on my Step 4. That's OK. I don't need to rush through it. There is no time-table. Perhaps it will be better than last time doing it this way. I am thankful I can understand that. I am also thankful that I looked deep within myself and realized that I could not be a loving, supportive wife to someone who may relapse at any time. Perhaps some will look at that as a fault. I don't really care. I found that is right for ME. And if you look at what it is, then really it is me being honest... with myself and my SO - I just would not be the right person (spouse) for him. It is kinder to let him go. I am thankful today for my peaceful home - albeit so humble. I am so very thankful that my parents can help my Kid and I... without their support, we would've been homeless or living in a shelter. I am thankful that I got the help I needed (various agencies) to get into school and get the education to follow a new career path! I am also thankful for my supportive friends, and my "family" here on MIP!

Today I have hope for a brighter, more peaceful future!

Namaste, y'all! 

Aloha ((PnP)) and Mahalo, thanks, for the post on how you have come this far.  I could insert my own memories and emotions over your text to see what you have been thru including the last year in program.  I feel as fortunate that I am still here and participating in the program where ever I go.  I am also alcoholic living with this fatal mind and mood altering chemical addiction and the compassion and empathy and understanding of both programs and all other facilities have allowed me to carry the ESH to others.  Like you here I take the risk of coming forward and allowing others to know they are not alone and there is hope for all who are touched by this disease.  

Again Mahalo for your participation in my recovery.   (((((hugs))))) 

Congrats on the anniversary PnP!   It sounds like you've made good progress and you are in a better place then when you started - yay!

Namaste 

Thank you everyone for also being a part of my journey!

I truly believe I learn something new, or something about myself every day that I check in here.

StarryAmmo - I am glad something I said helped you in some way. This place is like that!

Happy first year anniversary! Thanks for continuing to share your experience, strength and hope. Glad you keep coming back and are part of our online Alanon family. ((((pnp))) TT