I know we don't give advice in Al-Anon, but I would deeply appreciate some guidance about my son's recent relapse. My young adult son had 5 months sobriety and recently relapsed. He returned to his sober living home and is continuing on his path of recovery. I have many family and friends who inquire regularly about my son's progress. Before his relapse, I have proudly shared his progress and length of time sober. Now that he's had a relapse and has returned to recovery, I'm struggling with whether to share his relapse when friends and family inquire. My inclination is to gently share with people I trust, but not to share with people I feel will be excited about the drama of the relapse and begin spreading gossip. I also don't want to give his relapse a lot of energy because it's not my business. I'm trying to focus on myself because I clearly am powerless over his disease.
By doing this, am I protecting his anonymity or am I in denial?
Thank you for your guidance.
Momsad
hotrod said
Mar 18, 2018
Anonymity is as you described. We keep the focus on ourselves and do not share another's personal business. Your son is back at his sober living house and i believe it is up to him to share his recovery with others. if friends ask, I would simply say it is a dreadful disease and he is still in his recovery home and workiing hard.
Jerry F said
Mar 18, 2018
If no one can identify what your share with the alcoholic's name or if they know the names of your children you are maintaining anonymity. No one knew my alcoholic addict wife and what here name is so no one can point her out as being who I was referring to. One of the slogans I have used for a long time with this issue is "when in doubt....don't". Why make it that much more difficult on their chances of sobriety? Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
momsad said
Mar 18, 2018
Thank you so much hotrod and Jerry. It helps to have the words when friends and family inquire. Explaining it is a dreadful disease and he is in his recovery home and working hard are words I feel very comfortable using. And "when in doubt...don't" was also very helpful.
Bo said
Mar 18, 2018
From my experience and my perspective...I see two types or kinds of anonymity...the first is ours, mine, about being a member of alanon...the second one is others'...their anonymity about being in the program (alanon or some other program that has anonymity as one of the principles).
Other than "she's OK" or "she's fine" or something along those lines, I have never shared any details of someone else's recovery -- no lengths of time, not they are or aren't going to meetings, nothing. The details of someone else's recovery, sobriety, etc., is for the addict/alcoholic to share, if they want to. It is theirs. Not mine. That's just me. Even when I was proud and would love to scream it from the rooftop, I wouldn't, for the reasons I gave. I think your concern about "not to share with people I feel will be excited about the drama of the relapse and begin spreading gossip." is very valid, very smart, and very healthy. I agree with the "it's not my business." perspective, and very much with the efforts of focusing on yourself. If you want to get some guidance...talk to your sponsor. This is an excellent example of what a sponsor can do for us.
Keep it up.
momsad said
Mar 18, 2018
Bo, thanks for your wise words. If I were to look at what I can learn from this experience and my response to it, I think I can agree that in the future it's also not my business to be sharing the details of my son's sobriety regardless of how proud I feel. It's his business, not mine. This is a life lesson and although I'm sad for my son's relapse, if I am to look for what I can learn from it, I have gratitude for this lesson.
Again, thanks to all for the support and guidance.
serenity47 said
Mar 18, 2018
When my daughter relapsed, I did not share it with anyone . I felt strongly that it was simply not my place. I relapse in my own recovery in Al-anon and I sure don't appreciate it if my business was shared. It took me a long while to separate myself from my daughters business as I felt as her Mom I had the "right" . She also liked to drag me into her dramas and I took the bait! When people inquire and they do, I state she's making her way through life. A work in progress , aren't we all? Some people genuinely care and some are just downright snoopy lol. Good for your son on returning to his sober house and good on you for checking your motives.
AnnieFenk321 said
Mar 18, 2018
Can I follow up about this I also had some questions regarding this. As my husband is in rehab, I have had to deal with the situation of people wondering where he is. With close friends I have simply said that he is facing some addiction issues and is in place where he is getting help - no details about what addiction etc.
One of my core values is honesty as I have a tendency to lie and make up stories to make people like me. It is something I have had to fight as I have come to greater awareness of myself. I try to hold myself to a high standard of honesty. That doesn't mean telling anyone everything - it just means I really don't want to say something like "he's working overseas" or "he's visiting family" or whatever.
After being in a meeting where anonymity was discussed, I was suddenly worried that I have violated his anonymity.
It also occurs to me that in a certain way it is important to share with some people, discretely, that we are facing addiction and alcoholism because it allows people to support me. For example, because I disclosed this to my mother, I was able to move in with her for a period he is in rehab.
I am also conscious that I don't want to get into a spiral of lying where I try to make the situation "look better" and thus reassert control.
Is there room for a balance between discreet sharing that the disease is affecting the family and me with close people who will be understanding and supportive and preserving anonymity of the details which are rightly none of my business etc?
Anyway thanks.
serenity47 said
Mar 18, 2018
In my experience my few really close friends and one sibling knew that my daughter was battling an addiction as I told them and it was obvious something was wrong as I looked worse then she did by that point. . They are all gracious people who did not press me for details but simply said I am so sorry. Other people I did not share with, including many family members. The best understanding and support I got was from Alanon meetings and this board. People who have been through it and could provide me with the guidance I needed so badly. Friends were well intentioned and kind but no one really understands what it is like to have to tell your kid no you cannot come back home and watch them engage in self destructive behaviours before your eyes. Normal parenting things don't work with addiction. Criticism, advice and judgement flows freely from those who have never had the experience. Some are trying to be helpful but it only served to weigh me down with others opinions. Alanon does not tell people what is best for them to do because no one knows what is best for someone else. The sharing of experience, strength and hope allowed me the space to make the best decisions for myself and not feel judged.
Iamhere said
Mar 18, 2018
As with all things recovery-related, I truly try to keep it simple. When folks inquire about my A(s), I either say, they are good or why not give him a call and have a chat. It is never my responsibility to share about another....and recovery has taught me to be as consistent as possible, so I've even suggested to my parents that they are welcome to call my sons and gave them the number.
I realize when a loved one is off in treatment and others inquire, they might do so with the best of intentions. In these scenarios, I just say he's working through some issues right now without any added information. Not where, how long, when, etc.
I have no problem sharing my own ESH yet never lead with it. I am very private and very guarded, and when I was new in recovery, I was told to examine my motives closely when considering sharing beyond the rooms. I was raised in recovery that we are to help when asked not when we think. The former is being of service and the latter is allowing ego to enter.
Annie - I did share with my parents when I had to. I didn't for a long while as they can be very judgmental, and I truly did not want them to 'see' my A(s) differently. I'd love if they were more open and caring and forgiving - they're just very set in their ways. They have come a long, long way by watching me change/grow in recovery but I am still guarded with what I share with them. My mom has health issues and has always been a worrier and she's untreated ACoA - thus out of respect for her health issues, I do keep them 'in the dark' about many things. It makes my life easier - so there is no right/wrong when reaching out for support!
Great topic always...I've said it before and I'll say it again - one of my sons is who brought this up to me. They basically suggested I was sharing their story as part of mine and they were not comfortable with it...as I try hard to listen and adjust as needed, it did strike a truth and I had to reconsider how I share about me, my feelings, and my actions without violating that boundary.
Jerry F said
Mar 18, 2018
Great topic and shares...Mahalo all. (((hugs)))
Stan1 said
Mar 19, 2018
Good morning all and thank you for ESH on this topic. It always amazes me how certain needed topics just seem to come up when needed. My AS mentioned to me last night that his recent relapse is his to share if he wants and belongs to no one else. I responded it depends. "If you make a public spectacle of yourself then you have broken your own anonymity. " I also told him that I did express some of my feelings with my sister and that I was sorry if I crossed a boundary. I expressed that I feel like I should be able to confide in my sister as he is free to confide in his brother. He responded that he was fine with that . I appreciated reading the shares on this, it has made me THINK once again What is truly my business what do I need to do when I am dealing with my own feelings because of the drinking of another?
Bo said
Mar 19, 2018
Totally unrelated...
Makes me think...just a humorous side of the coin...in the past, the alcoholic blamed me and said I was breaking her anonymity and calling attention to her drinking by me going to alanon meetings. She said I was outing her, betraying her, labeling her and putting a scarlet letter on her. Ironically, she said all of this when she was not going to meetings, LOL.
At the same time, her parking the car on the front lawn a few times, having both the fire department and the police department at the house several times, and numerous other public spectacles...none of that was calling attention to herself. LOL.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 19th of March 2018 11:19:27 AM
I know we don't give advice in Al-Anon, but I would deeply appreciate some guidance about my son's recent relapse. My young adult son had 5 months sobriety and recently relapsed. He returned to his sober living home and is continuing on his path of recovery. I have many family and friends who inquire regularly about my son's progress. Before his relapse, I have proudly shared his progress and length of time sober. Now that he's had a relapse and has returned to recovery, I'm struggling with whether to share his relapse when friends and family inquire. My inclination is to gently share with people I trust, but not to share with people I feel will be excited about the drama of the relapse and begin spreading gossip. I also don't want to give his relapse a lot of energy because it's not my business. I'm trying to focus on myself because I clearly am powerless over his disease.
By doing this, am I protecting his anonymity or am I in denial?
Thank you for your guidance.
Momsad
Anonymity is as you described. We keep the focus on ourselves and do not share another's personal business. Your son is back at his sober living house and i believe it is up to him to share his recovery with others. if friends ask, I would simply say it is a dreadful disease and he is still in his recovery home and workiing hard.
If no one can identify what your share with the alcoholic's name or if they know the names of your children you are maintaining anonymity. No one knew my alcoholic addict wife and what here name is so no one can point her out as being who I was referring to. One of the slogans I have used for a long time with this issue is "when in doubt....don't". Why make it that much more difficult on their chances of sobriety? Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Other than "she's OK" or "she's fine" or something along those lines, I have never shared any details of someone else's recovery -- no lengths of time, not they are or aren't going to meetings, nothing. The details of someone else's recovery, sobriety, etc., is for the addict/alcoholic to share, if they want to. It is theirs. Not mine. That's just me. Even when I was proud and would love to scream it from the rooftop, I wouldn't, for the reasons I gave. I think your concern about "not to share with people I feel will be excited about the drama of the relapse and begin spreading gossip." is very valid, very smart, and very healthy. I agree with the "it's not my business." perspective, and very much with the efforts of focusing on yourself. If you want to get some guidance...talk to your sponsor. This is an excellent example of what a sponsor can do for us.
Keep it up.
Again, thanks to all for the support and guidance.
One of my core values is honesty as I have a tendency to lie and make up stories to make people like me. It is something I have had to fight as I have come to greater awareness of myself. I try to hold myself to a high standard of honesty. That doesn't mean telling anyone everything - it just means I really don't want to say something like "he's working overseas" or "he's visiting family" or whatever.
After being in a meeting where anonymity was discussed, I was suddenly worried that I have violated his anonymity.
It also occurs to me that in a certain way it is important to share with some people, discretely, that we are facing addiction and alcoholism because it allows people to support me. For example, because I disclosed this to my mother, I was able to move in with her for a period he is in rehab.
I am also conscious that I don't want to get into a spiral of lying where I try to make the situation "look better" and thus reassert control.
Is there room for a balance between discreet sharing that the disease is affecting the family and me with close people who will be understanding and supportive and preserving anonymity of the details which are rightly none of my business etc?
Anyway thanks.
I realize when a loved one is off in treatment and others inquire, they might do so with the best of intentions. In these scenarios, I just say he's working through some issues right now without any added information. Not where, how long, when, etc.
I have no problem sharing my own ESH yet never lead with it. I am very private and very guarded, and when I was new in recovery, I was told to examine my motives closely when considering sharing beyond the rooms. I was raised in recovery that we are to help when asked not when we think. The former is being of service and the latter is allowing ego to enter.
Annie - I did share with my parents when I had to. I didn't for a long while as they can be very judgmental, and I truly did not want them to 'see' my A(s) differently. I'd love if they were more open and caring and forgiving - they're just very set in their ways. They have come a long, long way by watching me change/grow in recovery but I am still guarded with what I share with them. My mom has health issues and has always been a worrier and she's untreated ACoA - thus out of respect for her health issues, I do keep them 'in the dark' about many things. It makes my life easier - so there is no right/wrong when reaching out for support!
Great topic always...I've said it before and I'll say it again - one of my sons is who brought this up to me. They basically suggested I was sharing their story as part of mine and they were not comfortable with it...as I try hard to listen and adjust as needed, it did strike a truth and I had to reconsider how I share about me, my feelings, and my actions without violating that boundary.
Great topic and shares...Mahalo all. (((hugs)))
Totally unrelated...
Makes me think...just a humorous side of the coin...in the past, the alcoholic blamed me and said I was breaking her anonymity and calling attention to her drinking by me going to alanon meetings. She said I was outing her, betraying her, labeling her and putting a scarlet letter on her. Ironically, she said all of this when she was not going to meetings, LOL.
At the same time, her parking the car on the front lawn a few times, having both the fire department and the police department at the house several times, and numerous other public spectacles...none of that was calling attention to herself. LOL.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 19th of March 2018 11:19:27 AM