I am stuggling with "do I tell friends about my husband alcohol problems". My husband does not want me too bit I had to cancel a trip with a friend at last minute becuas
Ann_Y said
Mar 15, 2018
Because husband had an incident and ended up in the hospital. She knows he is in the hospital and is concerned. I donot want to lie to her.
Stan1 said
Mar 15, 2018
Hello Ann Y. Sorry your plans were cancelled and hope you will be able to reschedule another time. I like to remember our 12th Traditionn of Anonymity and apply it in regards to a family member. If their behavior draws attention to them that's one thing if not and they requested privacy I would honor their request. When my son had an accident I just said :"we have had a family emergency and I need to cancel our plans for now". Then any reports were results such as he is feeling better today or they are running more tests. The cause was his to explain if he chose.
DavidG said
Mar 15, 2018
Do I tell? If so- who do I tell? for me this is a big leap...
closest friends will already know or guess. There are risks either way. In Alanon we can offer an opinion, if asked, but not give advice. A subtle difference.
In my view we are anonymous within our own groups. But this does not apply across the board.
In our families we hoard secrets, in my experience until, the bust out all over the place... sometimes our most trusted and respected friends are inside the rooms.
For me- confiding in a close trusted family member, or trusted friend is a normal natural thing to do.
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2018
Hello Ann - I too am sorry that you had to cancel your trip. This, for me, is a sticky wicket for sure. I can relate to what David shares about family secrets and busting out usually at the wrong time and place. Yet, I also know from personal experience that even when the disease is in control, it doesn't mean the A feels no shame or remorse. My own boys called me on the carpet, suggesting their addiction was their story to tell if/when they were ready and it was delivered with real honesty. In that moment, I actually accepted and realized I often spoke of 'them' and 'their actions' instead of even pausing long enough to consider how I feel.
I am more inclined today to speak of the truth without disclosing the how....both of my sons OD'd at different times, and obviously spending time in the hospital away from my normal routine, made inquiring minds curious. What I learned is that those who just sent well wishes were healthier than those who were nosy and overly curious. They, like me before recovery, needed the chaos in others' lives to focus on...
You have every right to just say it's a private matter, and she's welcome to ask your AH if she wants to....that's what I do, and rarely are they willing to do so. Recovery taught me that I teach others how to treat me - today, I am very private and share most of the disease chaos with program friends. I have other friends - we just have different discussions.
I have loved the slogan, When in Doubt, Don't. It has served me well. Only you know this friend and if they are genuinely concerned or if there is more to it. I'm not a fan of gossip and I am very uncomfortable when a discussion of any sorts is happening about another who is not present. That's just me yet it is my authenticity!! I hope too that you get to reschedule your trip and that your AH is recovering nicely!
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 16, 2018
Ann,
I am sorry that the consequences of his actions made you cancel your trip.
In thinking about your question, here is my ESH... take what you want and leave the rest.
With both my husband's addictions, I lied and covered for him on occasions too numerous to count. Literally years. First it was at his request, then it was from embarrassment. It wasn't until I came to Al-Anon did I learn that was part of enabling, and was damaging my psyche. That being said, IAH is so correct when she says that just because an addict/alcoholic is active, doesn't mean they don't feel remorse or shame. So I only told two of my trusted friends this time around... they were helping my son and I move into a new place, and I needed their support. Most everyone I knew socially did not know what was going on. Once my AH got into rehab and had some time there, I actually told him that people are starting to ask about him and I wanted some guidance as to what I could say without compromising him. He appreciated that. So most times I just told them that we had split, he's in rehab, and it's his story to tell.
Try and reschedule that trip... these are the times that we really need to focus on taking care of ourselves!
el-cee said
Mar 16, 2018
Al-anon tells us that anonymity is lost when the alcoholic is active, people know and see and that's how it should be really. Do whatever is comfortable for you, if you want to tell the truth and it is your truth too then do so, if not then don't. I do believe this disease thrives and grows in hiding it. What would be so bad in the truth coming out into the light. He wont like it? of course but he's operating from a mindset where he wants to continue drinking with as little fuss as possible.
el-cee said
Mar 16, 2018
Another thought, why cancel your trip? Maybe its just what you need. Go and enjoy yourself. You dont have to suffer from the consequences of another's drinking unless you choose too. Good luck
Bo said
Mar 16, 2018
Excellent topic...thank you for posting.
Jerry F said
Mar 16, 2018
My family and most of my friends have known for a very long time about the problems of alcoholism and drug addiction in our lives that continue to manifest often. No it is not a "talking point" when we get together and respect and compassion is required. My family also know that I worked professionally and alcohol and drug addiction therapist and I don't shut the door on any discussion because I have seen the worst of our disease in and on the lives of hundreds...I don't gossip about anyone's problems and my experience as a professional doesn't give me license to do so. My program of recovery and my professional history know the power of trust and how that fits in regard to anonymity and the power of anonymity in regard to helping others recover. I refer friends to other professionals and nothing more. I don't add to the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of my disease. Good post. (((hugs)))
Lil99 said
Mar 17, 2018
I didn't tell even my closest friends about my partner's drinking problems for years. However, it ended up all coming out to 2 close friends after an incident one evening. At the time it felt like a massive relief and weight off my shoulders that they knew what was going on for me and were supportive. I thought I trusted them.
But a few months later I found out, after a very uncomfortable conversation, that 1 friend had shared this information more widely with her family. I was mortified that she hadn't kept this confidence.
At least in Al-Anon it's very clear that information is to be kept within the confines of the rooms.
Just my experience.
hotrod said
Mar 17, 2018
Hello Ann Alanon suggests that we do not gossip and that we protect the anonymity of AA members. If someone is not in AA ,then they have no anonymity as their behavior is out there for all to see.
i like to stay in my on life and not share intimate details of another with anyone
Ann_Y said
Mar 22, 2018
I didn't tell me friend about his drinking. I told her that he has medical problems and he doesn't want me to discuss them she was ok with that.
Do I tell? If so- who do I tell? for me this is a big leap...
closest friends will already know or guess. There are risks either way. In Alanon we can offer an opinion, if asked, but not give advice. A subtle difference.
In my view we are anonymous within our own groups. But this does not apply across the board.
In our families we hoard secrets, in my experience until, the bust out all over the place... sometimes our most trusted and respected friends are inside the rooms.
For me- confiding in a close trusted family member, or trusted friend is a normal natural thing to do.
I am more inclined today to speak of the truth without disclosing the how....both of my sons OD'd at different times, and obviously spending time in the hospital away from my normal routine, made inquiring minds curious. What I learned is that those who just sent well wishes were healthier than those who were nosy and overly curious. They, like me before recovery, needed the chaos in others' lives to focus on...
You have every right to just say it's a private matter, and she's welcome to ask your AH if she wants to....that's what I do, and rarely are they willing to do so. Recovery taught me that I teach others how to treat me - today, I am very private and share most of the disease chaos with program friends. I have other friends - we just have different discussions.
I have loved the slogan, When in Doubt, Don't. It has served me well. Only you know this friend and if they are genuinely concerned or if there is more to it. I'm not a fan of gossip and I am very uncomfortable when a discussion of any sorts is happening about another who is not present. That's just me yet it is my authenticity!! I hope too that you get to reschedule your trip and that your AH is recovering nicely!
I am sorry that the consequences of his actions made you cancel your trip.
In thinking about your question, here is my ESH... take what you want and leave the rest.
With both my husband's addictions, I lied and covered for him on occasions too numerous to count. Literally years. First it was at his request, then it was from embarrassment. It wasn't until I came to Al-Anon did I learn that was part of enabling, and was damaging my psyche. That being said, IAH is so correct when she says that just because an addict/alcoholic is active, doesn't mean they don't feel remorse or shame. So I only told two of my trusted friends this time around... they were helping my son and I move into a new place, and I needed their support. Most everyone I knew socially did not know what was going on. Once my AH got into rehab and had some time there, I actually told him that people are starting to ask about him and I wanted some guidance as to what I could say without compromising him. He appreciated that. So most times I just told them that we had split, he's in rehab, and it's his story to tell.
Try and reschedule that trip... these are the times that we really need to focus on taking care of ourselves!
Al-anon tells us that anonymity is lost when the alcoholic is active, people know and see and that's how it should be really. Do whatever is comfortable for you, if you want to tell the truth and it is your truth too then do so, if not then don't. I do believe this disease thrives and grows in hiding it. What would be so bad in the truth coming out into the light. He wont like it? of course but he's operating from a mindset where he wants to continue drinking with as little fuss as possible.
My family and most of my friends have known for a very long time about the problems of alcoholism and drug addiction in our lives that continue to manifest often. No it is not a "talking point" when we get together and respect and compassion is required. My family also know that I worked professionally and alcohol and drug addiction therapist and I don't shut the door on any discussion because I have seen the worst of our disease in and on the lives of hundreds...I don't gossip about anyone's problems and my experience as a professional doesn't give me license to do so. My program of recovery and my professional history know the power of trust and how that fits in regard to anonymity and the power of anonymity in regard to helping others recover. I refer friends to other professionals and nothing more. I don't add to the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of my disease. Good post. (((hugs)))
But a few months later I found out, after a very uncomfortable conversation, that 1 friend had shared this information more widely with her family. I was mortified that she hadn't kept this confidence.
At least in Al-Anon it's very clear that information is to be kept within the confines of the rooms.
Just my experience.
Hello Ann Alanon suggests that we do not gossip and that we protect the anonymity of AA members. If someone is not in AA ,then they have no anonymity as their behavior is out there for all to see.
i like to stay in my on life and not share intimate details of another with anyone