I cannot change who my brother-in-law is. It is very difficult to change how I deal with him as I help to mind his kids since my sister died. This week:
- on Sunday we had confusion over pick up arrangements and he tried to put the blame on first, my 16-year-old nephew then, me.
- he tried to further blame me for trying to straighten out the issue (i.e. confront him) by saying that it was Mothers Day and it was so emotional (but interestingly on Mother's Day he chose to take himself away from his house from early Sunday to write a film script with a friend)
- on Sunday evening my niece has needed me as a mother/female figure as she is in her first relationship and has a sexual health problem
- my brother-in-law's mother is now out of the childminding picture (as of last Sunday) as she gets 'stress and anxiety'. I have previously told him that the constant vagueness around arrangements cause me 'stress and anxiety'
- following the earlier confusion I set my toddler nephews arrangements in stone only to be asked to change the day. Then he forgot the arrangements made
- my toddler nephew stayed with me last night and puked all through the night so I have two double beds in the house that are unusable to the point that I needed to order a new mattress this morning. (I get it, you just have to deal with these things but my own two girls (and myself) have sore throats and their Daddy is away for a few days)
- my older nephew was at hospital last night with the same vomiting bug (I didn't know about this at the time as my other sister stayed with the two older in their home)
My brother in law works away for a few days of the week. When he goes away the arrangements have always been a bit held together by string but things seem to be really heading for a crisis this week. I don't want to deal with him. I know I can't change him. His kids call me for errands, lifts, doctors not to mention just trying to hang out and have a nice time. His flakiness directly affects me which directly affects my husband and two kids. Life feels a bit miserable at the moment - all I want to do is mind my own business and go about looking after my own house but this is not reality. Telling me to hand this all over to my higher power feels like a slap in the face - sorry, but I am the one who has to deal with it, not slogans, not a god, not a group - me!
In an effort to help myself deal with this week's stress I had arranged to go to a local Women's Centre this morning to attend a listening ear service. But because my nephew was so sick I couldn't bring him to his creche today so had to cancel (yes, I know it couldn't be helped). I feel, as you may have guessed, a seething resentment at my brother in law. Worryingly I also feel it towards my little nephew and even my sister who died. I am a full time stay at home mum and feel that I can look after my own corner but not much more. When I try to talk to my brother in law his physical demeanour becomes that of a little boy: he stands with his shoulders rolled forwards and his arms down by his sides, he agrees with everything I say, he says he 'will try harder'. It's pathetic. On the other hand he can be passive aggressive, is an expert at weaving a web of words, makes everything sound like he's totally on top of things but the cracks appear soon enough. He is immature, sneaky, he lies, he seems to put his escapist tendencies first (he works in the glamorous world of tv, he writes film scripts that don't pay even though I think my sister asked him not to pursue those things after she was gone, to focus on his day job and not the hobby). I do not care what he does with his life - it is none of my business. I would never tell him how to bring up his children - they all seem to get by. I will do whatever my older niece and nephew want if I can. But I HATE being drawn into the web of confusion and uncertainty that he seems to cast. My other sister thinks its time to go to a family agency. I think that too. But he will just react like a cornered animal and spit out anything at all to avoid people pointing out his failings.
Thank you for this space. I am struggling to just get through a day without confusion, change of plans etc. I have told him I have some flexibility to mind my toddler nephew while he sorts out new childcare arrangements. In reality I don't want to help at all. The only saving grace is that the little guy is almost three and he plays away quite happily with my twin girls who are five and a half i.e. I don't have to mind him much myself. I appreciate that this is not the kind of relationship you're supposed to have with a very young child. It must be very hard for people who are separated from the other parent of their children so I acknowledge that must be harder. Thanks guys. X
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Wednesday 14th of March 2018 11:02:30 AM
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Wednesday 14th of March 2018 11:03:39 AM
Mattie said
Mar 14, 2018
Hugs. I hope you have a local meeting? Nobody should have to deal with difficult family members without support. Take good care of yourself.
Jill said
Mar 14, 2018
It is my experience the family agencies are familiar with alcoholics' deflecting behavior. They will look at the effect on his children. That is their focus. He can dance around the truth, but their profession helps them zero in on what's best for the children.
I like what you said about looking after your own corner but not much more. That's our job.
Keep coming back.
hotrod said
Mar 14, 2018
((Fainly)) I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and the difficulties that re on going. Sending positive thoughts your way
Faintly Falling said
Mar 22, 2018
I am going to vent a bit more on this thread one week or so on from my initial post. I realise that I am wholeheartedly feeling sorry for myself. I have the 'poor me's, 'I didn't ask for this', no one seems to understand, I am so alone with this problem, stuck, stuck, stuck, blah, blah, blah ...
I am so stuck, in fact, that I can't be bothered to go to a meeting, read anything inspirational, reach out for Al Anon help (apart from venting here). I thought I had self-pitied myself into a solution from last week. My brother-in-law was the one with all the problems and this is how I will deal with him. He dropped around his two sons yesterday evening and the whole situation blew up again:
'I'm trying my best' 'my mother has not been well' 'these complications only occur with you' 'it was highly inappropriate for you to even suggest that'. All in all is was a very defensive, very uncomfortable exchange. I tried to point out his body language and he more or less said it was my fault as I had previously told him he was standing too close to me (this is true). So it continues to feel very tense and very stressed. I said I felt like I needed mediation. As usual he just agrees and says things like 'I'll look into that'. He also said he was trying to keep communication to a minimum with regards to organisation to avoid dealing with my pointing things out I presume.
I was wound up like a spring. I just HATE it!!! But ... I need to take action to get myself back on track. I had reached out to a couple of family supports last week but, despite being promised they would get back to me, it has so far amounted to nothing. So I will allow myself to feel a bit disappointed about that. However, it is time to move on and be proactive. There is a meeting tomorrow morning and I will go to that.
I apologize for being angry here last week. I was so in the 'poor me's' that I said slogans and higher powers were no good to me. That was not fair especially as many of you have offered gentle wisdom from these very things. But seething rage and resentment are obviously not good for me. I will find a way forward. Having to load three small children into a car early in the morning to leave the other to the school bus is something that I seem to enjoy wallowing in. It was not what I planned for myself. Nor is the confusion and uncertainty that seem to be part of arrangements. But when a mum dies and their dad is seemingly doing his best to keep it together you just have to shut up and put up. Yes, I'm clinging on to these last few moments of self-pity. But something has to change. I do not want to end up as a total stress ball or even worse, getting sick because of it. I need to take responsibility for the part that I play in my own life.
Thank you.
el-cee said
Mar 22, 2018
It sounds like a very sad situation for everyone. Children losing their Mother, you losing your sister and your brother in law losing his wife. Is he an alcoholic? If so then I can only imagine the chaos and no wonder your stressed. It sounds like you all need help. Is there any services you can apply for?
Maybe there are things you can do to help clarify things for him. Looking at your own responsibilities and how they come first, if childcare can fit in anywhere with your own responsibilities then maybe you can tell him the times, days that your available to help out. Otherwise he will need to take responsibility or make other arrangements either way that's his business. Maybe writing it out, like a list of your own needs, including time for yourself, looking after yourself is important or your own health could suffer. Also, do you have a partner because where does he fit in with all this? It might be time for you to put you and your children first then look at where and when you can help and place boundaries around that.
Your nieces and nephews may be seeing you as the go to person and that might suit their Dad so maybe its your own job to step out of that role and his family life may improve if hes forced to spend more time with his children.
It can be either clear cut, a list with your own responsibilities and needs and the times and days you can help which is very kind and loving to everyone including you or its the whole martyr thing that I know Im very capable of taking on everything and then im burnt out and resentments fester. Taking on other peoples job for me can only lead to resentment, anger self pity because its not fair or has no equality and its easy to make ourselves door mats but serenity cant be found here. Good luck and glad your going to meetings.
Vent alert!!!
I cannot change who my brother-in-law is. It is very difficult to change how I deal with him as I help to mind his kids since my sister died. This week:
- on Sunday we had confusion over pick up arrangements and he tried to put the blame on first, my 16-year-old nephew then, me.
- he tried to further blame me for trying to straighten out the issue (i.e. confront him) by saying that it was Mothers Day and it was so emotional (but interestingly on Mother's Day he chose to take himself away from his house from early Sunday to write a film script with a friend)
- on Sunday evening my niece has needed me as a mother/female figure as she is in her first relationship and has a sexual health problem
- my brother-in-law's mother is now out of the childminding picture (as of last Sunday) as she gets 'stress and anxiety'. I have previously told him that the constant vagueness around arrangements cause me 'stress and anxiety'
- following the earlier confusion I set my toddler nephews arrangements in stone only to be asked to change the day. Then he forgot the arrangements made
- my toddler nephew stayed with me last night and puked all through the night so I have two double beds in the house that are unusable to the point that I needed to order a new mattress this morning. (I get it, you just have to deal with these things but my own two girls (and myself) have sore throats and their Daddy is away for a few days)
- my older nephew was at hospital last night with the same vomiting bug (I didn't know about this at the time as my other sister stayed with the two older in their home)
My brother in law works away for a few days of the week. When he goes away the arrangements have always been a bit held together by string but things seem to be really heading for a crisis this week. I don't want to deal with him. I know I can't change him. His kids call me for errands, lifts, doctors not to mention just trying to hang out and have a nice time. His flakiness directly affects me which directly affects my husband and two kids. Life feels a bit miserable at the moment - all I want to do is mind my own business and go about looking after my own house but this is not reality. Telling me to hand this all over to my higher power feels like a slap in the face - sorry, but I am the one who has to deal with it, not slogans, not a god, not a group - me!
In an effort to help myself deal with this week's stress I had arranged to go to a local Women's Centre this morning to attend a listening ear service. But because my nephew was so sick I couldn't bring him to his creche today so had to cancel (yes, I know it couldn't be helped). I feel, as you may have guessed, a seething resentment at my brother in law. Worryingly I also feel it towards my little nephew and even my sister who died. I am a full time stay at home mum and feel that I can look after my own corner but not much more. When I try to talk to my brother in law his physical demeanour becomes that of a little boy: he stands with his shoulders rolled forwards and his arms down by his sides, he agrees with everything I say, he says he 'will try harder'. It's pathetic. On the other hand he can be passive aggressive, is an expert at weaving a web of words, makes everything sound like he's totally on top of things but the cracks appear soon enough. He is immature, sneaky, he lies, he seems to put his escapist tendencies first (he works in the glamorous world of tv, he writes film scripts that don't pay even though I think my sister asked him not to pursue those things after she was gone, to focus on his day job and not the hobby). I do not care what he does with his life - it is none of my business. I would never tell him how to bring up his children - they all seem to get by. I will do whatever my older niece and nephew want if I can. But I HATE being drawn into the web of confusion and uncertainty that he seems to cast. My other sister thinks its time to go to a family agency. I think that too. But he will just react like a cornered animal and spit out anything at all to avoid people pointing out his failings.
Thank you for this space. I am struggling to just get through a day without confusion, change of plans etc. I have told him I have some flexibility to mind my toddler nephew while he sorts out new childcare arrangements. In reality I don't want to help at all. The only saving grace is that the little guy is almost three and he plays away quite happily with my twin girls who are five and a half i.e. I don't have to mind him much myself. I appreciate that this is not the kind of relationship you're supposed to have with a very young child. It must be very hard for people who are separated from the other parent of their children so I acknowledge that must be harder. Thanks guys. X
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Wednesday 14th of March 2018 11:02:30 AM
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Wednesday 14th of March 2018 11:03:39 AM
Hugs. I hope you have a local meeting? Nobody should have to deal with difficult family members without support. Take good care of yourself.
I like what you said about looking after your own corner but not much more. That's our job.
Keep coming back.
I am going to vent a bit more on this thread one week or so on from my initial post. I realise that I am wholeheartedly feeling sorry for myself. I have the 'poor me's, 'I didn't ask for this', no one seems to understand, I am so alone with this problem, stuck, stuck, stuck, blah, blah, blah ...
I am so stuck, in fact, that I can't be bothered to go to a meeting, read anything inspirational, reach out for Al Anon help (apart from venting here). I thought I had self-pitied myself into a solution from last week. My brother-in-law was the one with all the problems and this is how I will deal with him. He dropped around his two sons yesterday evening and the whole situation blew up again:
'I'm trying my best' 'my mother has not been well' 'these complications only occur with you' 'it was highly inappropriate for you to even suggest that'. All in all is was a very defensive, very uncomfortable exchange. I tried to point out his body language and he more or less said it was my fault as I had previously told him he was standing too close to me (this is true). So it continues to feel very tense and very stressed. I said I felt like I needed mediation. As usual he just agrees and says things like 'I'll look into that'. He also said he was trying to keep communication to a minimum with regards to organisation to avoid dealing with my pointing things out I presume.
I was wound up like a spring. I just HATE it!!! But ... I need to take action to get myself back on track. I had reached out to a couple of family supports last week but, despite being promised they would get back to me, it has so far amounted to nothing. So I will allow myself to feel a bit disappointed about that. However, it is time to move on and be proactive. There is a meeting tomorrow morning and I will go to that.
I apologize for being angry here last week. I was so in the 'poor me's' that I said slogans and higher powers were no good to me. That was not fair especially as many of you have offered gentle wisdom from these very things. But seething rage and resentment are obviously not good for me. I will find a way forward. Having to load three small children into a car early in the morning to leave the other to the school bus is something that I seem to enjoy wallowing in. It was not what I planned for myself. Nor is the confusion and uncertainty that seem to be part of arrangements. But when a mum dies and their dad is seemingly doing his best to keep it together you just have to shut up and put up. Yes, I'm clinging on to these last few moments of self-pity. But something has to change. I do not want to end up as a total stress ball or even worse, getting sick because of it. I need to take responsibility for the part that I play in my own life.
Thank you.
It sounds like a very sad situation for everyone. Children losing their Mother, you losing your sister and your brother in law losing his wife. Is he an alcoholic? If so then I can only imagine the chaos and no wonder your stressed. It sounds like you all need help. Is there any services you can apply for?
Maybe there are things you can do to help clarify things for him. Looking at your own responsibilities and how they come first, if childcare can fit in anywhere with your own responsibilities then maybe you can tell him the times, days that your available to help out. Otherwise he will need to take responsibility or make other arrangements either way that's his business. Maybe writing it out, like a list of your own needs, including time for yourself, looking after yourself is important or your own health could suffer. Also, do you have a partner because where does he fit in with all this? It might be time for you to put you and your children first then look at where and when you can help and place boundaries around that.
Your nieces and nephews may be seeing you as the go to person and that might suit their Dad so maybe its your own job to step out of that role and his family life may improve if hes forced to spend more time with his children.
It can be either clear cut, a list with your own responsibilities and needs and the times and days you can help which is very kind and loving to everyone including you or its the whole martyr thing that I know Im very capable of taking on everything and then im burnt out and resentments fester. Taking on other peoples job for me can only lead to resentment, anger self pity because its not fair or has no equality and its easy to make ourselves door mats but serenity cant be found here. Good luck and glad your going to meetings.